by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

A “friendly” divorce without lawyers could be right for you. If you have decided that getting a divorce is the best (and maybe only) option that will promote your future emotional and psychological well-being, and that of your spouse and children, your next step is to determine which of the four paths to a legal divorce is right for you and your circumstances.

To decide which path will serve you best, answer the following questions:

(1A) If you have children, what type of divorced parenting partnership is in the best interest of your children.  For most people, the answer to this question is either “Facilitating Friends” or “Accommodating Allies”, both of which involve high levels of goodwill and cooperative communication.  Read more about types of divorced Parenting Partnerships here.

(1B) If you don’t have children, would you and your spouse like to remain on friendly terms?

If you want a friendly divorce, you could select from among the Do It Yourself,  Pre-Suit Pro Se (without attorneys), or the Pre-Suit, with Attorneys.

(2) How complicated are your financial circumstances?

Do you have customary assets like a home, car, bank accounts, and retirement accounts, as well as typical liabilities like a mortgage, car payment, and credit card bills? Or are your finances more complicated, involving a family business, a trust, or a complex investment portfolio?

If you have simple finances and no children, the Do It Yourself may work for you. If you have children and simple/moderately complex assets and liabilities to equitably distribute, then you could choose between Pre-Suit Pro se (without attorneys), or Pre-Suit, with Attorneys. If you have a highly complex mix of assets and liabilities, you may best be served by an Attorney Driven divorce.

(3) What amount of family resources are you able or willing to invest in the divorce process?

The Do It Yourself divorce is the least expensive but comes with the need to complete complicated forms and work through emotional issues on your own.   If your finances are simple AND you and your spouse are detail-oriented, well organized, have a high level of goodwill for one another, and have excellent communication and conflict resolution skills, then the DYI option may work for you.

The Pre-Suit Pro Se path (a friendly divorce without lawyers) is also relatively inexpensive.  For example,  fees for a friendly, Pre-Suit, Pro Se divorce at Amity Mediation Workshop on Florida’s Emerald Coast range from $1,400 to $3,000, depending on the complexity of your assets and whether or not you have children.

For this moderate cost, in the Pre-Suit  Pro Se option, your mediator facilitates the emotional discussions and empowers you to reach mutual agreement on all of your current issues. The mediator also prepares your Marital Settlement Agreement, Parenting Plan, and Child Support Guidelines Worksheet.   Many mediators, like those at Amity Mediation Workshop, also include assistance with document preparation and Family Law Forms.  This type of one-stop-shop helps simplify and de-stress the divorce process.

The Pre-Suit with Attorneys path is more expensive than a divorce without lawyers, but also typically less expensive and less adversarial than an attorney-driven divorce.  Along this path to divorce, attorneys guide their clients’ decision making, but work in a collaborative manner with each other. The mediator works directly with the parties to help them resolve issues and create their Marital Settlement Agreement. The Attorney-Driven path to divorce is the most expensive and will vary by lawyer and region. According to Lawyers.Com, the average attorney fees for a divorce in Florida are $10,700, and the average total cost of a Florida divorce with attorneys is $13,500.   The costs range depending on whether or not children and complicated assets are involved, as well as how acrimonious and protracted the process becomes.

(4) How quickly would you like to complete the divorce process so you can start building a stable future for you and your children?

The DYI divorce could be the quickest, if you have limited/no assets, no children, no problem completing the forms, and high levels of goodwill and cooperation with one another.

The Pre-Suit Pro Se friendly divorce without lawyers typically involves a one-hour planning session and two weekly 2-to-3 hour mediation sessions.  This means that by utilizing a mediation practice like Amity Mediation Workshop you could resolve all of your issues and be ready to file for a non-contested divorce in about one month.

The Pre-Suit with Attorneys path stretches over a longer time period than the Pre Suit, Pro Se, in large part due to the attorneys’ scheduling and the time they need for advance consultation and preparation with their client.  Still, this path is much quicker than the Attorney Driven path.

The Attorney-Driven path to divorce takes the longest.  According to Lawyers.Com, the average duration of the attorney-driven divorce process in Florida is 15 months and ranges from 7 to 30 months, depending on attorney schedules, the complexity of the case, and the amount of acrimony that creeps into the process.

So you decide.

If you are like most (but certainly not all) people, a friendly divorce without lawyers may be your best option:

1. You want to remain friendly with your spouse, especially if you will continue being Parenting Partners.
2. You have typical assets and liabilities that can be equability distributed without complicated legal transactions.
3. You would rather reserve family resources so that you and your spouse have the money you need to start over and build a stable future for yourselves and your children.
4. You would rather move forward deliberately and begin building a happy, stable future rather than be stuck in limbo for a year or more rehashing the past.

At Amity, our guiding philosophy of civility and a friendly approach to facilitating conversations permeates our mediation work. And we embrace an optimism about what people can do with and for each other if they are simply willing to focus on finding solutions that are good for them AND for the others involved in their issues, especially children. 

We know that most couples and families truly value peaceful resolution of issues with as little hurt to those involved as possible.  We hope couples and families can stay together. But, our goal is to help people eliminate distress in their relationships and maintain peace, whether they stay together or not.

Our approach supports and guides individuals as they work to settle their differences and define for themselves the future of their relationships. If you have decided to divorce, share the Paths to Legal Divorce graphic with your spouse. Decide which option is best for you.  Then, start to Work it Out.

And, let me know if I can help.

P.S.   Deciding whether or not to get divorced is excruciatingly difficult. If you are struggling with that question, and need help working through the decision-making process, read my three-part series titled Should I Stay or Should I Go?

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Being lucky in love is more about action than chance.

Whether you are searching for your first love, building the courage to start a new relationship, or trying to get that “lucky in love” feeling back with your current partner, keep these two important actions in mind.

Be Deliberate in Your Search (or “re-search”)

First, you must take focused action to meet the person who will make you feel lucky to know and be known by them.  And that means looking for love in the right places.  Despite the popularity of the phrase “meet cute”, most romantic relationships don’t start from unpredictable happenstance.  Instead, they result from Propinquity:

It’s just so fun to say aloud.  Try it:  pro·pin·qui·ty

Propinquity refers to being physically or psychologically close to someone.  The Law of Propinquity explains that the greater the proximity (closeness) between people, the more often they interact with one another, the more likely they are to become friends or lovers. You meet.  You get to know each other.  You like each other.  You trust each other. Relationships develop because you have ongoing opportunities to interact.

Your best friends are likely your old school chums, roommates, current neighbors, work colleagues, committee members, or people you see often for other reasons.  And propinquity probably explains how you met (or will meet) your life partner, too.

Propinquity, not luck, pollinates your close relationships.  So, if you want to attract a partner who will make you feel “lucky in love”, decide what type of person you need, and then go where those types of people are likely to be.

And, most importantly, DO NOT keep going to the same places expecting to meet different kinds of people.  They won’t be there.

If you and your current partner love each other but want to regain that invigorating “lucky in love” feeling, then you can deliberately “re-search” for each other again, but this time in your own home.  Now that’s propinquity, for sure.

And the same Law of Propinquity applies.  But you will need to purposefully invest in meaningful conversations, share activities you enjoy, go on date nights, and actively show your appreciation for each other.  The more you turn toward each other, the deeper your trust and intimacy will be, and the more you both will feel lucky to know and be known by each other.  Soon you’ll start feeling “lucky in love” again.

Make Your Own Luck

Most of us want to appear “lucky in love” and to a lesser extent, have our friends and family see us that way, as well.

Ironically, luck is uncontrollable and unpredictable, and not at all what truly makes a long-lasting, satisfying love relationship.  The truth is that being “lucky in love” is only an illusion created by couples who master relationship work.

Couples truly “lucky in love” accept and are grateful for the good fortune that they experience.  However, they also have learned that sustaining relationship luck is a DIY project.  That is, when it comes to relationship luck, you make your own.

Initially, the “lucky in love” feeling creates a positive illusion that causes partners to overlook their differences and ignore each other’s flaws. Then, the newness wears off.  The longer the relationship lasts, the more partners learn about each other, and reality begins to erode the positive illusion.

Inevitably, the partners start focusing on their differences and each other’s weaknesses. So, of course, the predictable conflict ensures.

As this happens, the couples most successful at remaining “lucky in love” work hard at accenting their partner’s positive attributes.  They purposefully infuse their home and relationship with positive sentiments and an attitude of gratitude.

Partners who mutually express gratitude to each other strengthen their relationship, enhance the levels of perceived intimacy and mutual care, reinforce their sense of belonging, and bolster their levels of marital satisfaction.  That is, they make themselves feel “lucky in love”.

And that “lucky in love” feeling bolsters them against the unfortunate mistakes they both will inevitably make and helps them manage life’s stressors in a way that brings them closer together, rather than farther apart.

If you want to build a “lucky in love” relationship with a new partner, follow these basics and start making your own luck.  If you’re in a long-term relationship and want to get that “lucky in love” feeling back, talk to your partner about how you might start to turn your luck around.

Let me know if I can help.

I’m a FL Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and part of the Gottman Referral Network. You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we specialize in “friendly divorce” mediation and use the Gottman Method in our psycho-educational “Let’s Stay Together” private workshops, designed for couples who want to restore or enhance their marital happiness.  I also speak frequently on relationship topics and author the relationship blog  “Work it Out”.

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Loving relationships are essential for human well-being and happiness at all ages.  In fact, the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.

According to Robert Waldinger, director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, “Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period”.

A variety of social connections and close relationships can produce these health and well-being benefits. It’s not the number of family connections, close friends, or even whether you are in a committed romantic relationship that matters.

If you cultivate a few warm, satisfying, loving relationships, you’ll reap the benefits of a happy, healthier, longer life.

Loving-Liking Connection Promotes Well-Being

For the people who choose to be married or live in a committed relationship, the relationship-life happiness connection is more complicated.  The quality of this primary relationship has the greatest impact on the quality of their life. And it requires both liking and loving.

A satisfying love relationship where partners both love and like each other makes people happy, bolsters their ability to deal with outside stressors, and provides protection for their physical and mental health as they age.

But beware.  A dissatisfying, loving relationship has the opposite effect.

Dissatifsing Relationships Toxic to Well-Being

Marriages with high levels of unresolved, hostile conflict or those that lack intimacy, trust, and commitment erode the physical and psychological well-being of the partners involved.

Put another way, toxic or loveless relationships keep people unhappy and unhealthy. Period.  Some (like me) say this is worse than getting divorced.

Therefore, one of the most important skill sets people can learn involves how to prevent negativity or indifference from eroding their intimate connection and overriding what was once their warm loving bond.

Key Building Block More “Liking” Not more “Loving”  

The foundation of any loving committed relationship is the couple’s friendship, or how much they like each other. This friendship forms the foundation of what Gottman calls the Sound Relationship House and allows the relationship to stand firm when inevitable conflicts and stressors arise.

Specifically, the foundational level of the Sound Relationship House model accentuates three important aspects of friendship and liking in a romantic relationship:

1. Build Love Maps: A love map contains the intimate information you know about your partner that you can use as a guide to your partner’s inner world. What are your partner’s likes and dislikes? Who is your partner’s best friend? Did they have a happy childhood? How do they prefer to relax after a tense day?  In an ideal relationship, you and your partner know each other better than anyone else.
2. Share Fondness & Admiration: Sharing your fondness and admiration for your partner involves vocalizing the personal characteristics you appreciate. This can be something as simple as saying “thank you”.  Or you could comment on your partner’s good deeds to a neighbor, creative problem solving, intelligence, or good looks.  Let your partner know you are proud of them, especially in front of others. Compliments mean the most when they come from the person most important to us.
3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away: When partners need attention, support, or comfort from each other, they say or do something to let each other know about their needs. Gottman calls this gesture or request a “bid” for attention, affection, humor, or support.  Turning Toward your partner involves giving an affirming response to their bid.

How to Build a Foundation of Liking

To experience the health and well-being benefits of a romantic, committed relationship you must keep the sentiment of your relationship positive and the foundation of liking and friendship strong.  This requires that you:

1. Continually improve your Love Maps: Make time to connect and truly listen to each other and respond in ways that show that you care about each other’s interests and concerns.
2. Revisit the reasons you like and admire your partner: Think about your partner’s positive characteristics. Then look for opportunities to articulate the big and little reasons you appreciate your partner.  You may want to start by writing a love letter or Valentine that includes the top 5 reasons you admire your partner.
3. Respond favorably to your partner’s needs: To create a safe space where you and your partner both feel you can express yourselves and meet each other’s needs, be sure to “turn toward” each other when the other makes a bid for attention or support.

Let me know if I can help.

I’m a FL Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and Couples Counselor who is part of the Gottman Referral Network.  You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we specialize in “friendly divorce” mediation and psycho-educational “Let’s Stay Together” private workshops, designed for couples who want to restore or enhance their marital happiness.  I also speak frequently on relationship topics and author the relationship blog called “Work it Out”.

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

You may have heard the adage “Cheating is a symptom of relationship problems, not the cause of it”.   With notable exceptions for certain pathologies, this statement is generally accurate.

So, the time to protect your relationship from an affair is long before your partner feels the need to seek attention or support outside your relationship.

Extant research conducted over the last two decades shows that between 20 and 26 percent of married men cheat and between 10 and 19 percent of married women cheat.  As reported in Life Science Magazine, these numbers have remained consistent over the last twenty years.

The difference now is that relationship partners have a lower tolerance for cheating because attitudes about marriage have changed.  As more women earned higher education and entered the workforce, married couples began looking for their spouse to be their best friend, their confidante, their parenting partner, their homemaking partner, their wage-earning partner, and an amazing lover.

This is a lot to ask of one person. Even strong marriage partnerships can cascade downward to a betrayal if the couple is not vigilant about turning toward each other in response to daily bids for connection and, especially, when repairing their relationship after regrettable incidents.

Bolster Trust to Prevent Betrayal

Couples who successfully protect their relationship from an affair understand how to bolster trust to prevent a betrayal.  Trust is built on a solid, reciprocal foundation of predictability, dependability, and faith – the three building blocks of trust.  When trust is fully present in a relationship, partners perceive that they will behave in a consistently positive manner toward each other, that they will be reliable when it counts, and that they will continue to be responsive and caring to each other, which includes “turning toward” each other’s bids for attention AND not doing things that they know will hurt the other’s feelings.

Turn Toward Each Other When You Make Mistakes

Happily-married couples expect each other to work on maintaining relationship trust. However, they also accept that they will let each other down from time to time. When these regrettable incidents happen, happily married couples “turn toward” each other and work together to repair the damage.  This repair work involves fully processing the negative event and the feelings around it. As such, it lets the couple move past the incident, close their discussion about it, rebuild trust, and remain close.

Couples who “turn away” from each other after a regrettable incident don’t fare as well.  Instead of showing empathy, regret, and forgiveness, couples that turn away from each other place blame, become defensive, and hold a grudge.  As a result, the regrettable incident becomes an open sore between them and festers. This creates negative feelings that infect the couple’s reactions to other issues, and leads to flooded arguments, contempt, and “turning against”.

Sometimes the “turning away” is less obvious and involves simply avoiding any discussion of the incident.  Avoiding discussion of important negative incidents may initially seem to keep the peace, but soon the unprocessed negative feelings coalesce into either (a) surprisingly negative reactions to other unrelated issues or (b) avoidance of other issues, and eventually avoidance of the other partner, intimacy decay, and loneliness.

Keep Them from Asking “Would I be Happier With Someone Else?

Both types of “turning away” lead to relationship decline, create emotional distance within the relationship, and serve to justify the conclusion by one or both people that the other is “not there for me”.   This often prompts people to begin comparing their partner to real or imagined alternatives and asking, “Would I be happier with someone else”?  

And here is where the downward cascade from unrepaired broken trust to outright betrayal often begins.

It’s a long path from “turning away” from your partner when regrettable incidents occur to actively “turning toward” others to have your needs met or to find what is now missing from your relationship.  Nonetheless, the tumble to real betrayal begins when couples fail to “turn toward” each other, especially in the aftermath of a regrettable incident, large or small.

Turning toward each other to meet each other’s daily attempts to connect, especially after a regrettable incident, establishes trust and allows couples to remain close.  So, then, they never ask the question “Would I be happier with someone else”? Or if they do, the answer is a resounding “no way”.

If you and your partner have let each other down and need to repair the trust in your relationship, summon the courage to turn toward each other and fully process your negative feelings with all the honesty, empathy, regret, and forgiveness required to truly put the incident behind you.  Take action to stop cheating before it starts.

Let me know if I can help.

Jamie C. Williamson, PhD is a FL Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and Couples Counselor who is part of the Gottman Referral Network.  She is an owner and partner at Amity Mediation Workshop, a mediation practice specializing in “friendly divorce” mediation and psycho-educational sessions for couples and co-parents.  Dr. Jamie speaks frequently on relationship topics and authors the blog “Work it Out”.  You can find her online at amitymediationworkshop.com.

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Couples get what they expect.  One primary difference between couples who make it and those who don’t is that those who stay happy have high expectations for marriage and each other.

This may seem a bit counterintuitive.  I’m sure you’ve heard many relationship “experts” (or your own mom) say that the main cause of marital unhappiness and the high divorce rate is that couples have too high expectations for each other and their marriage.

However, relationship research suggests otherwise. According to clinical psychologist and creator of Cognitive-Behavioral couples therapy Donald Baucom, the couples with the greatest expectations for their relationship and each other usually create the highest quality marriage.

I think it works like this:  Couples with high expectations for marriage and the well-being of their relationship work hard to maintain positive feelings toward each other, and they stay optimistic about their relationship and are resilient in the face of inevitable relationship and life challenges.

Fortunately, all three of these characteristics can be learned.

Maintaining Positive Feelings

Positive feelings about each other form the foundation of relationship well-being.  John Gottman stipulates that fondness and admiration are two of the most important elements in maintaining a rewarding, long-lasting marriage and that, without them, couples will not thrive.

Most couples begin their marriage with positive feelings about one another and can easily maintain them until something goes wrong.  To guard against this, couples with high expectations for their relationship take action to maintain and increase their positive emotion about the present by turning toward each other for quality conversation and connection, physical pleasures, and enjoying activities together.

Equally, if not more important, these couples also know how to restore their positive feelings for each other after a negative relationship incident by cultivating forgiveness and gratitude. They have learned how to make meaningful apologies, which promotes trust. They have learned the value of true forgiveness, which comes easier because their overarching positive regard for one another promotes empathic understanding.  And they re-focus on the positive aspects of their partner and their relationship by adopting an attitude of gratitude.

The Optimism – Resilience Connection

High expectations inherently create a sense of optimism about the future. Positive psychologist Martin Seligman’s  PERMA theory of well-being stipulates that Optimism is one of the “key contributors” to individual well-being.  I believe that a couple’s Optimism about their relationship is also one of the “key contributors” to their relationship well-being because optimism promotes a couple’s belief that they can and will work together successfully to:

• cope with each other’s minor mistakes or relationship transgressions (e.g., everything from forgetting to pay the bills to lying about it);
• respond to negative external influences (e.g., challenging in-laws, unexpected home repairs);
• adapt to challenging life experiences (e.g., becoming parents, serious illness, job loss).

Relationship Resilience requires that couples have positive emotions, communication skills, and cognitive and behavioral flexibility.  Couples with high expectations and the associated optimism about their relationship, either have these qualities or use their combined resources to learn and master the skills needed to move through the challenge. These couples flourish as a result of the renewed relationship commitment their resilient effort required and the relationship pride they feel as a result of their success.

Couples who stay happily married aren’t happy with each other every day.

Like all couples, those who flourish experience the dynamic ups and downs of everyday family life, financial concerns, in-law issues, housework, work-life balance, and the stress of creating happy holiday experiences for their family.

Couples who flourish also have high positive expectations for the well-being of their relationship.  They work at maintaining positive feelings about one another, and their high positive expectations engender optimism that drives resilience in the face of internal or external challenges to their relationship.  As a result, these couples get what they expect.

If you’ve lost optimism for your relationship or are having difficulty mustering the relationship resistance you need to face your current challenges, share this article with your spouse. Then, together, decide how you will learn how to increase your positive regard for one another and capture the Teflon-like magic of the optimism-resilience connection.  That, my friends, will become your relationship superpower.

Let me know if I can help.

I’m a FL Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and Couples Counselor who is part of the Gottman Referral Network.  You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we specialize in “friendly divorce” mediation and psycho-educational “Let’s Stay Together” private workshops, designed for couples who want to restore or enhance their marital happiness.  I also speak frequently on relationship topics and author the relationship blog called “Work it Out”.    

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Six hours a week is all it takes to stay happily married.  If you follow this Magic Six-Hour formula, you can keep your marriage running smoothly and prevent a gradual growing apart or a dreaded relationship breakdown.

Relationship expert John Gottman and his colleagues have determined that for relationships to continue to grow, couples need to routinely invest time nourishing their bond. Gottman says “It’s all about priorities.”   And I agree.

Investing time in your marriage every day is the preventative maintenance couples need to stay on a positive trajectory.

Happy couples – and those determined to get happy and stay that way – understand this basic principle.  But when it comes to prioritizing their competing obligations and interests, they still sometimes struggle to find ways to put “couple time” first on the list.

Even for many couples who expressively want to stay happily married, there just doesn’t seem to be an additional six hours in the week.  For others, their normal routines are so habitual, that they have trouble seeing how they could change.

Finding those six hours a week does require developing some new routines.  But it isn’t as hard as it seems.   The ideas below constitute what Gottman calls the Magic Six Hours.

I’ll bet you could incorporate all of these ideas into your schedule.  It’s worth a try.

The Magic Six Hours

1. Parting: Develop a ritual to make saying goodbye extra special, even if you’re just running errands or going to work at your home office. Always include a kiss and be sure to spend at least two minutes a day, 5 days a week, for a total of 10 minutes.
2. Reunion: Have a stress-reducing conversation at the end of each workday.  In this conversation be sure to block out distractions so you can fully listen to and be understood by one another. This is the time to discuss what’s on your minds from outside your relationship and support each other emotionally.  Spend 20 minutes a day, 5 days a week, for a total of 1 hour and 40 minutes.
3. Admiration & Appreciation: Find a reason to communicate sincere appreciation for your partner.  Say “I love you” like you mean it. Invest at least 5 minutes a day, 7 days per week, for a total of 35 minutes.
4. Affection: Show physical affection throughout the day. Touch, hold, and kiss your partner (other than in bed).  Use your goodnight kiss (even if it is a short one) as the moment to let go of frustrations and show tenderness to each other. 5 minutes a day, 7 days a week, for a total of 35 minutes.
5. Date Night: Schedule a weekly date night, either at home or out at a restaurant.  This is a purposeful time for the two of you to stay connected. Plan a romantic, relaxing evening together that lasts at least 2 hours, once per week. These are 2 of your 6 magic hours.
6. State of the Union Meeting: Meet one hour a week to talk about your relationship.  Don’t let anything interfere with this time and focus only on what happened this week.  First, review what went well and what you appreciated about each other this week.  Then gently discuss any problems you experienced.  If there was a regrettable incident process it, recognizing that you both have valid perspectives that should be mutually understood. End by asking “What can I do to make you feel loved this coming week?”    This works best if it is a standing meeting on the same day each week.  Friday nights, Saturday mornings, Sunday nights…whatever works for you.  But make it a sacred ritual.  Invest 1 hour, once per week. 

The couples I work with who incorporate these six ideas into their relationship routines, maintain a positive momentum and stay on the happily married track.  So, if you have noticed a little drifting apart, use the handout at Gottman’s Magic Six Hours link, and talk to your partner about how to start incorporating these new routines into your daily life.

If you are experiencing a bigger chasm separating you and your partner, start with a State of the Union meeting, discuss how adding these magic moments back into your routine could improve your relationship, and “work it out”.   Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop where we facilitate divorce, family, and civil mediation. We also use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative, psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses for groups or individual couples who want to stay happily married, restore the joy in their relationship, and are willing to learn something new to make it happen. We call the class “Let’s Stay Together!”  Give it a try!

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

People in long-term relationships make mistakes. The impact your partner’s mistakes have on your relationship depends largely on how you make sense of why they behave as they did.  We call this an “attribution” of cause.

And, what you see as the cause when your partner makes mistakes depends mostly on what you look for.

Attributions for Simple Everyday Mistakes

Let’s say your partner made a simple, everyday life kind of mistake like arriving late to pick you up.  There are four basic casual attributions you could make for this mistake, and they vary as having resulted from Internal vs External causes and from Stable versus Temporary causes.

My Partner was late because:

1. …he is an inconsiderate jerk (Internal, Stable attribution)
2. …he forgot to set his alarm (Internal, Temporary attribution)
3. …his old car broke down again (External, Stable attribution)
4. …he got stuck in traffic (External, Temporary attribution)

People in healthy, satisfying relationships routinely make External, Temporary attributions (#4 – a temporary situation he did not cause) for their partner’s mistakes.  These attributions reduce distress about the mistake and promote the well-being of the relationship over time.

People in distressed relationships are more likely to make Internal, Stable attributions (#1 – a negative character trait) for their partner’s mistakes.  These attributions exacerbate the stress about the mistake and erode relationship satisfaction over time.

Attributions for a Serious Mistake 

Let’s consider a serious life-event stressor:  Scott gets fired from his high-paying, work-from-home job because he is not actually working the hours he reports on his timesheet.  Lori, who works outside the home, is upset because Scott lost his job (and income) and because he lied to his boss and her about the amount of time he was working.  Scott has profusely apologized.

Lori contacted me for help in deciding what to do.  First, I acknowledged that it was wrong for Scott to submit a false timesheet to his boss and that his apology seems heartfelt.  Then, I explained that the relationship impact of this mistake will depend largely on Lori’s attribution for the cause of the mistake.

I created a diagram showing four different explanatory attributions and asked her which one best explained why she thought Scott was working fewer hours than he reported to his boss and to her.

My partner filed a false timesheet because:

1. …he is lazy and always tries to cut corners. (an Internal, Stable Attribution)
2. …he didn’t pay close attention to the rules and assumed that when working remotely if he got the job done, he should report full-time hours. (an Internal Temporary Attribution)
3. …his stupid company didn’t provide written instructions to the remote sales force. (an External, Stable Attribution)
4. …to camouflage the fact that he was stuck chauffeuring the kids around and taking care of more responsibilities at home while things were crazy for us (an External, Temporary Attribution)

If Lori believed that Scott filed a false timesheet because he is lazy and always tries to cut corners, and she reacts to Scott’s job loss through that lens, then Scott’s mistake will likely lead to severe relationship distress, regardless of how many times he apologizes. Lori won’t hear his apology, because, in her view, the job loss is due to Scott’s negative character trait – laziness.

But what if Lori chose to believe that Scott had good intentions, even though he did the wrong thing?  She could attribute his mistake to an External, Temporary cause (#4) and determine that he was just trying to keep too many balls in the air – to keep his compensation high, while taking on more family responsibilities, ultimately to make things easier for Lori.

Bottom line: 

When your partner makes mistakes, what you see depends on what you look for.

If you find yourself looking for external, temporary causes for your partner’s mistakes, then you will see the positive intentions in your partner’s behavior, even though you acknowledge the mistake. This will make it easier for you to accept your partner’s apology and to cooperate in finding a solution to a serious mistake.

This pattern signals a healthy relationship, likely to survive the mistake and make you closer once you’ve worked together on the solution.

If you find yourself looking for internal, stable causes for your partner’s mistakes, you will see selfish motives for your partner’s behavior, blame your partner for the negative impact on you and your relationship, and resist cooperating in finding a solution.

This pattern signals relationship distress that needs to be addressed.  You’ll have several options, depending on your level of overall relationship dissatisfaction.

Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, LLC, where we specialize in “friendly divorce” mediation and marriage revitalization sessions and programs using a practical, psycho-educational approach grounded in the Gottman Method. I also speak frequently on relationship topics and author the blog “Work it Out”  and write a monthly column for PCB Life Community Newspaper. 

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we facilitate Divorce, Family, and Civil Meditations.  We also conduct co-parenting psycho-educational sessions that provide divorced co-parents with a tool kit for handling conflict and a safe place to learn new ways to communicate with each other. We help co-parents discover the Co-Parenting Partnership Type that is right for their circumstances and set them on a path toward building a stable future, rather than be stuck rehashing the past.

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhDCheers!  This month my husband Larry and I celebrated our 25^th wedding anniversary.  Ours is a second marriage for both of us.  And, even though the 25th is traditionally considered the silver anniversary, we feel “golden” pretty much every day.

Younger couples often tell us that they want to know our secrets to staying happily married.   They are painfully aware that one of every four divorces in the U.S. is a “gray divorce” involving people over 50 ending a long-term marriage. They don’t want to be one of those statistics.

I am always eager to explain the secrets to our happy 25-year marriage with younger couple friends (when asked, of course).  And, in honor of our 25th Anniversary, it seems appropriate to share our approach more broadly.  We learned from social science research and our own personal experience that couples can stay close and protect their marriage against the “gray divorce” phenomenon by adopting these four practices.

Our Four Secrets to Staying Happily Married  

(1) Treat your marriage as the foundation of your family.

If you allow your marriage to erode in the early years, you, your spouse, and your children will feel insecure, unsettled, and tense. Without deliberate care and attention, a once intimate, loving marriage could become conflictual and distant. Even if a distressed marriage survives until children are launched or careers have ended, the kids will likely be troubled, and the couple will likely opt for divorce as a relief from their unfulfilling relationship.

When it comes to family priorities, put marriage stability first, whether you are a family with children or without.  Make time for date nights out or at home each week.  Have relationship talks and routinely kiss each other goodbye and hello.   Show affection often, voice your genuine appreciation for each other’s contribution to your daily life together, and sincerely say “I love you” at least once every single day.  And, if you start drifting apart, double down on these important habits of connection. 

(2) Create a long-term goal and work toward it together.

Young adult couples are less likely to divorce if they are well educated.   Older adult couples, however, are less likely to divorce if they are financially secure. 

It’s not because they have money.  It’s because financial security typically results from a shared commitment to a long-range plan. To achieve financial security couples must define their financial goals and form a joint commitment toward them. Working toward shared goals requires constructive discussions about conflicting priorities. However, establishing shared goals also creates shared interests, a joint commitment, mutual respect for each other’s contribution, and reasons to celebrate your success – all components of a satisfying marriage. 

Whether your goal is to buy a beach house, start a business together as we did, pay off your debt, save for college, or take a dream vacation, once you set a shared goal and start working toward it, you will grow closer, feel proud of your joint progress, and enjoy celebrating your success together. 

(3) Be your best physical self.  

Despite the stereotype, divorce for older couples is rarely connected to male sex enhancement drugs that allow men to satisfy younger women.  But physical appearance is still important to keeping sexual intimacy alive for couples in long-term marriages.

Fortunately, satisfied older married couples don’t expect their partners to conform to an unrealistic, unnatural standard. Instead, they expect each other to show affection and make the most of what they’ve got.

So, work toward a shared goal to stay fit and healthy, clean up each day even when you’re just hanging out at home, hold hands, kiss regularly, and occasionally, share physical intimacy any way you still can, whether that’s dancing on the kitchen floor, rolling like thunder under the covers…or anything in-between.

(4)  Be your partner’s best friend. A romantic spark ignites initial attraction and typically only continues to burn through the first few years of marriage. Couples who have shared interests and a true friendship are the ones most likely to stay married and thrive when that romantic flame becomes embers.

The single most distinguishing characteristic between happy couples and distressed couples is that happy couples are more likely to be best friends.

These married friends truly enjoy each other’s company and embrace their partner’s interests. They routinely create opportunities to do activities they both enjoy and alternate between each other’s favorites. So, if your husband loves to watch football, get excited about the game. If your wife loves musicals, take her to the theater.

Take exercise walks. Ride bikes. Cook together. Plan trips and travel together. Or try something new like a UTV Mountain Experience!

To sustain a happy long marriage, show an interest in what interests your spouse and treat each other with mutual respect. When you are upset by something your spouse has done, focus on the friendship and not the incident. Talk to your spouse as you would your best friend. That is the single most important habit of couples who remain golden, until their silver anniversary and beyond. 

So, the next time you worry whether your marriage will last your lifetime, remember these four habits of couples who stay golden up to and beyond their silver anniversary and “Work it Out”.

Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop where we facilitate divorce, family, and civil mediation. We also use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative, psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses for groups or individual couples who want to stay happily married ’til their silver anniversary and beyond. We call this class “Let’s Stay Together!”

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Most couples know they are supposed to have a regular “Date Night”.

Unfortunately, along the way, they let familiar routines and their life partner/parenting roles overshadow their ongoing need for novel activities and their role as romantic partners.  They just can’t seem to have a night out that doesn’t involve talking about the kids, household tasks, scheduling logistics, and, worse yet, complaints about one another.

Still, most women and men alike, long to recapture the pre-marriage, mid-courtship “date-night feeling”.  They remember when their conversation was comfortable and captivating, their mutual attraction was electric and palatable, and the night was filled with the promise of deepening their intimacy and providing a delightful escape from their daily routines and stressors.

Never thought date night was so important.  Think again.

This longing to recreate date-night intimacy could be related to a primal urge for survival.  There is a well-documented connection between the support that comes from a well-functioning intimate relationship and the personal well-being of the relationship partners.  Intimate relationships buffer partners from the negative outcomes associated with the stress due to life events like pregnancy, the birth of a child, job loss, illness, retirement, and, of course, routine daily stressors, as well.

It’s not just that intimacy adds to a marriage.  Lack of marital intimacy and satisfaction actually causes harm to the marriage and the marital partners.  Marriages (and other similar relationships) that lack intimacy and closeness tend to be unsatisfying, unstable, and highly conflictual. These relationships are associated with an increased risk of distress, physical illness, and poor psychological adjustment.

So, institutionalizing “date night” is not only fun, it can protect your marriage from deterioration and it can keep you and your spouse healthy, happy, and able to manage your life stressors.

If you think you are too busy for date night, then, according to relationship experts John and Julie Gottman, “you’re too busy”. 

Follow these 6 Tips for Successful Date Nights

1. Make “Date Night” affordable. Don’t allow date night to add financial stress.  Decide how much you can budget for your weekly date nights.  Your budget will determine the frequency and location of your dates.  Most budgets don’t allow for a weekly night out at a special occasion restaurant.  But, most budgets do allow for a weekly Date-Night dinner, late-night dessert, or glass of wine at home and a once-a-month Date Night out at a favorite restaurant for dinner or dessert.  Or, if you prefer, a picnic at a picturesque spot.

2.  Decide when you will schedule Date Night. For at-home Date Nights, examine your weekly routine, and find the time when a Date Night activity at home can be added to the routine.  Do NOT let other activities get in the way of this intimate time together.  For monthly Date Nights out, set a routine night (e.g. the last Saturday of the month) and get it on the calendar.  Only make adjustments to your Date Night schedule for important events that cannot be scheduled on another day.

 Note:  Date Night may also be at lunch rather than dinner, depending on work and family schedules.  It’s the time for intimate conversation, not the time of day that matters.

3.  Decide who is in charge of planning  There are as many ways to divide the planning as there are types of marriages.  Here are some ideas to stimulate your thinking:

Planning monthly Date Night  

Work together to generate a list of restaurants that fit your budget and that you would both enjoy, then take turns picking a restaurant from the list and making the reservations, etc.  Be sure not to use this as a “gotcha” opportunity.  If you know your spouse is habitually forgetful about these kinds of things, then volunteer to be the one who always makes the reservation.  Or, if you have historically been forgetful about reservations, then you could use this as an opportunity to show your commitment to “date night”, your marriage, and your spouse.

When you generate the list of restaurants, also include other activities you could enjoy before or after dinner, such as a movie, a play, a concert, or a walk on the beach.   The secret is to always include a meal in a sit-down restaurant in order to create an atmosphere conducive to conversation.

Planning weekly Date Nights at home  

Generate a list of ideas that work for you, depending on the time of your Date Night (dinner, dessert, nightcap).  Then take turns executing your at-home date.  That is, take turns shopping for and making (or bringing in) dinner/dessert. Take turns setting the table or the cozy nightcap atmosphere.  Use the good dishes, play music, and, most importantly, turn off the television.  When it is your turn, avoid being too contrived, but do behave as if you have invited your spouse over to your place and take the lead, while allowing your spouse to help a bit.

Be sure not to use this as a “gotcha” opportunity.  If you know your spouse is habitually clumsy in the kitchen or very busy at a new job, let it be ok for him to bring in takeout.  You might volunteer to pick up something from the store or help a bit with the cooking.   And, if you’re the one known to stay out of the kitchen, then you could get out of your comfort zone and use this as an opportunity to show your commitment to “date night”, your marriage, and your spouse.

When you decide on the best format for your Date Night at home, be sure to make it doable, without much negative stress.  The point is to create a time for just the two of you to talk, relax, and show love and support for one another.

4.  Make a Special Effort to Get Ready for Date Night. It’s a date.  So, whether it is your at-home Date Night or your monthly Date Night out, invest some time in refreshing your personal appearance.  At home, take a few minutes to wash up, spruce up and present your best “at home, relaxed” self.  For going out, do a full date-night primp routine and have fun with it.

For example, have the husband get ready first, then he can take care of the dog, settle the kids, and/or go get the babysitter while the wife finishes getting ready, undisturbed.  You’ll be surprised how luxurious that can feel to a busy wife and how transformative it can be for her.  Whatever your relationship configuration, make sure Date Night preparation adds anticipation, not anxiety to your date.

5. Turn off your cell phone during Date Night. (except maybe to have the waiter take your picture).   If you have small children and are truly (not artificially) worried about your babysitter being able to contact you, then put your phone on Do Not Disturb and only let the babysitter call come through.  I repeat:  Turn off your cell phone during Date Night.

6. The most important tip of all is to plan your Date Night conversation. If you want to avoid slipping into a night of talk about the kid’s antics, the household chores, and other logistics, you must have conversational starters at the ready.  You also need to be adept at gently changing the subject when your spouse starts talking about laundry, carpooling, home maintenance, or grocery lists.

So, make a list.  And, yes, write it down.  Write it down and then either commit it to memory or have a cheat sheet in your pocket.  (You can’t put your list in your phone, because your phone is off, remember?)   You’ll find a full dinner’s worth of conversational ideas here.

After a while, inventive Date Night conversation will come more naturally.

Bottom line:  If you want to start dating your spouse….that is,  if you want to improve the level of intimacy in your marriage, then share this post with your spouse.  Talk about the importance of instituting or enhancing your Date Nights plans, and work it out.

And, Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop where we facilitate divorce, family, and civil mediation. We also use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative, psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses for groups or individual couples who want to stay married, restore the joy in their marriage, and keep date nights going forever!  We call this class “Let’s Stay Together!”

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

If you want to improve your relationship and think making New Year’s Resolutions as a couple is a good idea, think again.  Relationship-based resolutions can’t lead to sustainable increases in happiness because they are worded like wishful thinking instead of like SMART relationship goals that ignite motivation and turn it into action and behavior change.

Sure, relationship resolutions are paved with good intentions.  Bridal Guide magazine even suggests eight New Year’s Resolutions that couples should make, including ideas like “spend more time together”, “go on dates”, “try new experiences”, and “do nice things for each other”.  

These Resolutions sound like ways to strengthen a relationship…until we acknowledge the studies that show that only 8% of Americans who make a New Year’s resolution keep them all year and 80% have failed by the start of February.  

Why New Year’s Resolutions Fail

Clinical Psychologist and self-coaching expert Joseph J. Luciani, Ph.D. says most resolutions fail due to a lack of self-discipline. But I think people fail to keep their New Year’s Resolutions because their wishful thinking is not backed up by sustainable action plans. 

Whether trying to avoid something detrimental to your relationship (like too much screen time) or trying something new that will be good for your relationship (like date nights), the change will be difficult because your current patterns likely evolved gradually, outside of your awareness. And, the status quo is at least predictable and comfortable in the short term, even if you know it isn’t producing the kind of relationship you want for the long term.

Make SMART Relationship Goals, Not Lofty Resolutions

I encourage couples to break current patterns by making optimistic challenges for their relationship in the form of SMART goals, galvanized by action plans. SMART goals are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Bound. 

Unlike New Year’s Resolutions, SMART goals produce success because the process of achieving them is segmented into small steps that can be taken one at a time. This makes the goal much less overwhelming and lets you plan clearly toward achieving it.

Here’s an example of a SMART relationship goal:

We will have out-of-the-house date nights (specific), once per month (achievable, measurable), so that we have more couple time to restore intimacy (relevance), between now and our 10th-anniversary trip (time-bound).

How to Transform New Year’s Resolutions into SMART Relationship Goals

Couples can transform their New Year’s Resolutions into Relationship SMART Goals following these five steps:  

1. Reflect on your relationship and determine how you want your relationship to change. You can do this individually and then share your ideas or do it as a couple from the start.  Just be sure you are future-focused and don’t let the conversation lead to fault-finding or blame.
2. Write down your SMART goals for the areas in your relationship that you both are committed to changing.  Be specific. Your goals should describe what you want to accomplish and why it is important to you. Make sure your goal is measurable in a way that you have control.  Make sure your goal is achievable – a stretch, but not practically impossible to reach. And, set a specific deadline for accomplishment to be sure your goal is timebound.
3. Post your relationship goals so that you both can see them every day.
4. Share your goals with family or friends that you trust.  Research shows that you will be more likely to achieve your goals if you tell the right people (not everyone) about them and keep those people informed of your progress.
5. Be flexible. If your goals become outdated or irrelevant, tweak them or replace them.

Close relationships are fragile.  A small crack that goes untended can easily become a larger break that leads to patterns of more distant interaction (or fighting) that slowly erode intimacy. Unless couples resolve to repair the damage, they will eventually reach a point of no return. 

Despite good intentions, however, a couple’s New Year’s Resolution to “spend more time together” or “go on dates” will likely fail by February if they don’t create SMART goals and a sustainable action plan.

Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, LLC, where we specialize in “friendly divorce” mediation and psycho-educational marriage revitalization sessions and programs using a practical, psycho-educational approach grounded in the Gottman Method. I also speak frequently on relationship topics and author the blog “Work it Out”.   

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD 

This time of year most of us are more intentional about having an “attitude of gratitude”. We ought to do this all year long, however, because feeling and expressing gratefulness makes us happier and more resilient, improves our relationships, and even boosts our psychological and physical health. 

Adopting an “attitude of gratitude” in your marriage also has positive effects. Couples who practice gratitude together have happier marriages than those who do not practice gratitude.  Research shows that couples who mutually express gratitude to each other strengthen their relationship, enhance the levels of perceived intimacy and mutual care, reinforce their sense of belonging, and bolster their levels of marital satisfaction.

Conversely, people who initiate divorce often do so because their spouse is overly critical, takes their contributions to their marriage and homelife for granted, and doesn’t seem to value who they are as a person, outside of the tasks they perform in the relationship. 

You and your partner can protect your marriage from this type of erosion by adopting an “attitude of gratitude” and practicing the following four reciprocal expressions of gratitude.

1. Look for reasons to say “thank you”.   

Pay attention to the contributions your partner makes to your daily routine such as cooking, making the bed, paying the bills, grocery shopping, loading the dishwasher, house cleaning, laundry, yard work, gassing up the car, and all the other little favors that make your day easier.

Stop taking these contributions for granted and instead acknowledge, value, and appreciate your partner’s role in making your life together work well.  It’s as easy as saying “thank you” sincerely and frequently.

2. Show that you appreciate who your partner is to you, not just what your partner does for you. 

Compliments are meaningful when they focus on behaviors and even more meaningful when they highlight the receiver’s core values.  So, of course, it is important to be thankful for your partner’s hard work and acts of service to your relationship, but it is even more important to praise your partner’s virtues. 

Is your partner smart, well-organized, a good storyteller, patient, empathetic, honest, funny, or a good friend?  Pay attention to how your partner lives out important values and express appreciation for the kind of person your partner is to you and others.

3. Avoid public criticism and give public praise.

One of the fundamental rules in relationship communication is never to criticize your partner in public. To do so is disrespectful, embarrasses and demoralizes your partner, and erodes relational trust, intimacy, and satisfaction. 

Praising your partner in public has the opposite effect.  Expressing appreciation for your partner publicly shows respect and pride, and will make your partner feel appreciated, important, and loved.  As a happy by-product, your partner will feel enhanced warmth toward you and your relationship.

So, take advantage of opportunities to thank or congratulate your partner in front of your children, extended family, and friends.  You might even create a social media post showing your partner’s good qualities or sharing news of your partner’s success.

4. Act grateful and show appreciation every day. 

Do small things often, rather than just isolated grand gestures. These small loving actions speak louder than words when it comes to making your partner feel loved and appreciated.  

Bring your partner a cup of coffee. Make her favorite meal.  Send a text message of encouragement when you know your partner has a presentation, an important meeting, or a long day. Send heart emojis when you text the grocery list. Draw a heart on a post-it and leave it on your partner’s windshield or stick it on the bathroom mirror.  Look for ways to do little favors for your partner every day.

Small, from-the-heart expressions of love and support send consistently authentic messages of love and appreciation and so they mean much more than a once-a-year candlelit dinner or perfunctory bouquet of roses on special occasions.

These four approaches to practicing gratitude will help you and your partner avoid taking each other for granted and keep you on a satisfying relationship path.  So, as you begin the season of love and joy this year, why not adopt an “attitude of gratitude” and incorporate these acts into your holiday preparations? If you do, you’ll more likely experience the true measure of the Season.

Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, LLC, where we specialize in “friendly divorce” mediation and Let’s Stay Together couples counseling workshops using a practical, psycho-educational approach grounded in the Gottman Method. I also speak frequently on relationship topics and author the blog “Work it Out”.   

By  Jamie C. Williamson, Ph

Spring symbolizes rebirth and reminds us of the opportunity to refresh and renew our lives and improve our relationships.  These 3 R’s guide the relationship improvement process.

If couples don’t get too caught up in “making” themselves seem happy, they can use these longer spring days to relax and reflect on how to refresh their daily priorities, renew their relationships, and let their  “happy”  bloom naturally.

The 3 R’s of Relationship Improvement

Despite what you may think, people don’t really learn from experience. Instead, we learn from reflecting on our experience. And, the same goes for couples, too.

Think about it.   Unless they reflect on their experiences, couples just rehash the same arguments and make the same mistakes over and over again.

To renew their relationship, couples have to truly think about how their life could flow more easily and be filled with the simple pleasures that constitute true happiness, not the manufactured kind. This type of reflection usually begins with one person, who later shares it with the other.

So, this spring try to capture some private time for yourself so that you can truly reflect on your relationship. Does your marriage seem routine?  Does your spouse seem like your roommate and not your best friend and the love of your life?  Do you fight about things that don’t really matter and avoid talking about the things that do?  Have you let the kids’ activities monopolize all your discretionary time?  Have you let your own interests take away from the time you could (and probably should) be spending with your partner?  Have you let financial concerns keep you from finding creative ways to bring simple joys into your relationship?

In order to to let your “happy” bloom naturally again, you first have to identify the patterns you would like to improve.  So whatever life stage or circumstance you are in, think honestly about what small changes would make a big difference, and keep in mind, that it might be YOUR approach that needs to change.

Once you have identified the existing patterns that interfere with the easy flow of happiness in your relationships, select the one non-threatening pattern that you believe — if changed — would bring a sense of renewal to the daily life of your relationship.  Later, you can address the other issues you identified.

Make one change at a time, because the increased happiness you feel from the first change, makes subsequent changes easier to implement.

Begin to change the interfering pattern by refreshing the way you and your spouse/partner approach the issue involved. This will, of course, require you to disclose what you’ve been thinking about to your partner.

The trick is to initiate the conversation with what’s called a “soft start-up”.  A “soft start-up” addresses the issue directly and head-on, but does NOT include criticism or blame. Begin with an “I” statement and say, for example, “Things are so hectic for us these days, I really miss having time to just hang out with you.  Will you help me figure out some small changes we could make in our routines so that there is more time for us to just be together?”

This refreshed approach will not work if your partner feels blamed for your discontent. Be sure to use the soft start-up and take the time needed to create a safe conversational zone. Then, don’t be surprised if you learn that your partner has been feeling the same way.

When couples refresh their approach to managing the daily patterns in their lives, they are able to reprioritize the allocation of their time, energy, and finances; recapture time to invest in their relationship; and, create a sense of renewal and base-line happiness in their relationship.  When this happens, couples don’t even think about how to make happiness, it just blooms naturally, like spring, every day.

So, share this post with your partner, grab some couple time, and brush up on the 3 R’s that let happy relationships bloom naturally.

And, Let me know if I can help.

 You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we facilitate divorce, family, and civil mediations.  We also are authorized to use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative, psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses  with our clients who want to stay together, but restore the joy in their marriage.

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

 ‘tis the season.  But how do you know the right gift to give your partner? 

Most gift givers assume that a more expensive present will be more appreciated, yet, receivers don’t appreciate expensive gifts more than other less expensive gifts.  And, that goes for gifts of clothes, wine, home décor, jewelry, and even the price of an engagement ring.

Research clearly shows that money can’t buy you love.  Instead, when it comes to gift giving, it truly is the thought (and effort) that counts.  

Or, said differently, expensive gifts can’t buy you love, but the right gift can.

So, how do you select the “right” gift? 

Selecting the right gift begins with the understanding that the gift you give – no matter the cost – communicates how you feel about the receiver and the relationship you share.  If you want your partner to receive a message of love, appreciation, admiration, and commitment, then you need a gift that makes that statement.

A good gift is tailored to the needs and desires of the receiver and also communicates a commitment to the relationship.

But the best gifts do all of that and more.  The best gifts also reflect effort and high levels of involvement.

For example, if your husband dreams of owning a sailboat and, like most of us, you can’t afford it, don’t buy him a toolbox or a new pair of running shoes.  Show him you want his dreams to come true.  Buy him a sailboat (and captain) for a day. Arrange with his boss for a day off, schedule child care, and buy him a pair of deck shoes.  Then, the two of you go for a day of sailing. Include a night sleeping on the boat, if your budget allows.   If that is too much, buy him a subscription to Sailing magazine, open a special “sailing” savings account, and start saving for next year’s rental or even boat ownership.  Just let him know his dream is your dream, too.

Or if your wife is a busy mother who longs for the romance and excitement of your early marriage but barely has time to blow dry her hair, don’t buy her a gold bracelet or the truly forbidden food processor (unless it comes with a cooking class in Italy).   If she longs to feel passionate again, show her she is still the woman you married. Buy her a day of luxury and romance.

Do all the planning. Book her into a resort spa, arrange for her to have a day off, arrange childcare, and schedule a massage, mani-pedi, facial, and blow-out (or whichever services you can afford).  Give her a new sexy top to wear with her black pants, and end with an overnight “date night” at the resort.  If that’s too much, give her the mani-pedi, send the kids to grandma’s, and prepare a romantic dinner at home.  Just let her know for sure that, to you, she’s not just a mom, she’s the love of your life.

If you can follow the spirit of these examples and create a gift tailored to your partner’s unique needs and desires, you should be able to send a strong message of love, appreciation, and commitment to your partner.  These types of gifts truly have a long-lasting “wow” effect and create wonderful holiday memories.

It truly is the thought and effort that counts.

Here’s another, less extravagant but still effective example.  Last year around Thanksgiving, my husband broke his favorite reading glasses.  He had a backup pair and could get along fine for a few weeks.  I could have easily ordered him a new pair of readers. But, I knew they wouldn’t be the same.  So, instead, I searched until I found an optometrist’s office willing to repair the old ones, wrapped the repaired glasses in tissue, and put them in his Christmas stocking.

When he unwrapped his repaired favorite glasses on Christmas morning, he said “This is way better than a new pair….how did you do it?”  And, I replied, “That’s the real present”.

Getting the glasses repaired was tailored to his needs and the effort showed my commitment to him and our relationship.  The effort also showed a high level of involvement (I had to do a lot of running around rather than just order something online).

Although my husband received other more expensive gifts last year, the repaired readers were his favorite because they told him the lengths I would go to make him happy.   In turn, he was happy with me.

Money didn’t buy that all-around happy feeling.  It truly was the thought and effort that counted.

Love is, after all, an action word.

Give all of this some thought and get creative. Make this the year you give your spouse (and anyone else) the best Christmas present ever.

Try sharing this post with your spouse to start a discussion about what you both might want most for yourselves and your relationship this year.  Talk about what it means to recognize that the best gifts are not the most expensive.  The best gifts are tailored to the receiver’s unique needs and desires, reflect effort and involvement on your part, and demonstrate your commitment to the person and the relationship you share. Then work it out so you have the best (and perhaps, least expensive) Christmas ever.

If you would like to give your spouse a private and fun marriage enhancement course, contact me and I’ll set it up for you. You’ll find me at Amity Mediation and Relationship Workshop, where we offer psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Sessions grounded in the Gottman Method. We call these “Let’s Stay Together” and offer them to happy couples who want to stay together forever.

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By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Most marital conflict is unsolvable.  In fact, according to renowned relationship researcher John Gottman, 69% of marital conflicts are perpetual problems that couples will never resolve. Only 31% of the problems in marriage are solvable. This is true for both happy couples and unhappy couples.

So, it is not the presence of on-going problems that makes couples unhappy.  It is the way the couples talk about perpetual problems that distinguishes between happy and distressed couples.  Happy couples learn to cope with perpetual problems rather than let the on-going issues infect their relationship.  Distressed couples rehash the same issue over and over again and allow those conflicts to erode their relationship.

This does not mean that couples should ignore or avoid perpetual problems. Ignoring the issues will not make them go away.  If the issue is important, pretending that it doesn’t matter will eventually create emotional distance between you and your partner, lead to resentment, and begin to negatively impact your entire relationship.

The good news is that most couples can learn to manage their perpetual problems once they recognize them as unresolvable on-going issues that they need to cope with rather than situational conflicts that can be resolved.

So, what’s the difference between Solvable Problems and unsolvable, Perpetual Problems?

In the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman explains that Solvable Problems are situational and tied to specific circumstances where a solution to the problem is possible.  Once the problem is resolved, couples can move on and not have to address it again.  In contrast, Perpetual Problems are on-going because they are rooted in differences in personality, beliefs, values, and hidden feelings.

Examples of perpetual, unsolvable problems include:

• One person is neat, the other is messy.
• One person is a spender, the other a saver
• One person is punctual, the other typically runs late
• One person wants to spend more time with friends, the other wants more couple time.

How do couples cope with Perpetual Problems?

First, accept the fact that problems, differences of opinion, and mismatched expectations are normal and inevitable in couple relationships. This realization helps couples keep the issue in perspective, rather than blow it out of proportion.

Second, look for the hidden feelings behind your partner’s behavior or point of view.  For example, if Tyler routinely fails to help with the housework, Maria might feel abandon – left on her own to take care of their home, like her single Mother was.  When Maria complains to Tyler about his laziness or lack of support, he might feel like she is trying to control him, which makes him feel like a scolded child instead of the man of the house.  

Third, have a conversation (not a fight) about the issue.  Pick the right time, the right place, and start with soft, respectful tone. Ask your partner to please listen because this is important to you. Speak honestly about your position and what it means to you. Describe your feelings and where they come from. Discuss your position and explanation for it, without criticizing your partner or blaming your partner for your feelings.

If you are the listener, seek to understand your partner rather than think about your rebuttal. Encourage your partner to explore his/her feelings and preferences. Do not evaluate your partners’ feelings and desires or mention any reason why they are impractical or unimportant.  Show empathy and truly try to understand. Then, switch roles so that the listener now describes his/her position and the feelings behind it.

Fourth, use your new understanding to find ways to cope with the issue with respect, cooperation, and humor.  In the Tyler-Maria example, this might include jointly making a list of the chores that need to be done over the weekend. Divide the chores and agree to do those allocated to you. Praise each other for what got done. Tease each other about what didn’t get done. And, set another deadline for what didn’t get done.  Do not do each other’s chores unless the other sincerely requests help due to unexpected circumstances.

If you can follow this approach to coping with inevitable Perpetual Problems you will be much more likely to retain (or regain) and stable, happy marriage.

Let me know if I can help.  

Want to talk about it?

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, LLC, where we specialize in “friendly divorce” mediation and marriage revitalization sessions and programs using a practical, psycho-educational approach grounded in the Gottman Method.  I also speak frequently on relationship topics and author the blog “Work it Out”.   

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

The secret to long-lasting romance in marriage is simple, inexpensive, and fool proof.

You’ve probably figured out that it isn’t a candlelit dinner on your anniversary or the obligatory sex that followed.  And, unless you learn this one simple secret it won’t be your long-anticipated romantic get-away either.

Events designed to be romantic flop when you aren’t already lovingly connected to your partner. Instead of helping you reconnect, the contrived candlelit dinner becomes a struggle for conversation topics and that romantic “get-away” reveals that you don’t really know what you enjoy doing together anymore. The empty feeling and disappointment these realizations produce lead, at best, to awkward silences and, at worst, to frustration, angry accusations, and harsh criticism. Either way, they don’t enhance that loving feeling.  You can’t purchase togetherness.

So, how do you prime your marriage for romance and lasting love?  

You do small things often. You turn to each other in little ways, every day.

According to Dr. John Gottman, it’s that simple. In The Relationship Cure, Gottman explains that small, intentional moments of kindness and connection have a more positive impact on creating and sustaining marital romance than isolated, grand gestures.

These small loving actions also speak louder than words, when it comes to making your partner feel loved.   In a 2017 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Saeideh Heshmati and his Penn State colleagues found an American cultural consensus that showing compassion and displaying affection (e.g. snuggling) on a daily basis rank higher on the list of what makes people feel loved then typical romantic scenarios or grand verbal declarations of love.

Ready to put this one simple action to the test?  Every day, just try another small way of turning toward your spouse, instead of away. For example:

Pay attention and respond with interest.

Notice when your partner subtly asks for your attention, affection, or support and give it. Look at the hummingbird and comment on it when she calls it to your attention. Take his side when he shares a work concern. Show that you are glad (really glad) to see your partner at the end of the day. Respond with curiosity when your partner talks about family, friends, and other interests. Theses mundane moments of connection truly matter.

When you don’t have time to respond, express regret and take the time to explain.  Don’t say “I don’t have time”. Instead, say you wish you had time, clarify why you don’t have time, and set up a plan to talk about it “when I get home tonight” or “after the kids are in bed” or “when I get home from my meeting”.

Voluntarily (and routinely) take action to support and connect with your partner.

Fold the laundry or take out the garbage, when it’s not your turn. Run errands for each other. Make dinner together. Pay the bills together. Plan and host a dinner for friends together. Share each other’s burdens and you become more interdependent. Support each other’s contributions and you create a shared sense of purpose. These small, day-to-day gestures go a long way toward deepening your marital connection, helping your partner feel loved, and prime you for marital romance.

Look for small ways to send messages of love.

Send a text message of encouragement when you know your partner has a presentation, an important meeting, or a long day. Send heart emojis when you text the grocery list.  Pack a love note in your partner’s suitcase, briefcase or lunch box. These notes don’t have to be poetic, or long, or even include words at all. Put on lipstick, kiss a napkin, and tuck it in the bag. Draw a heart on a post-it and leave it on your partner’s windshield or sitck it on the bathroom mirror. These small, from-the-heart expressions of love and support send consistently authentic messages of love and so they mean much more than a once-a-year candlelit dinner or perfunctory bouquet of roses on special occasions.

How does this one simple action create more romance in your marriage?

If you’re like most people, you are surprised that the single most essential action that grounds your marital stability and contributes to your on-going romance is the simple act of turning toward your spouse in many small, routine ways every day.

It works because these gestures solidify your marital connection and promote positive feelings that will sustain your marriage during stressful times and grow the loving feeling of togetherness you share.

Take this loving connection and your positive feelings out to a candlelit dinner or on vacation, and the romantic spark you’re hoping for will ignite. But, chances are, if you adopt this one simple action – and turn towards your spouse in small ways every day – you won’t need expensive dinners or exotic vacations to stir up romance. You’ll have that at home every day.

If you engage in these small gestures every day, you’ll be going on date nights or vacation to enjoy each other. Not to save your marriage.

How do you begin turning toward each other?

If you want to strengthen your relationship and create more romance in your marriage, share this post with your partner. Then, start a conversation about the importance of being truly engaged in your routine interactions. Discuss the value of tuning into each other’s daily needs for attention, support, and encouragement. And, then imagine the difference that doing “small things often” can make in your feelings toward each other and the quality of your life together. Do your best to “work it out”.

Let me know if I can help.

 You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we facilitate divorce, family and civil mediations.  We also are authorized to use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative Let’s Stay Together private workshop sessions with our client who want to stay together, but refresh and restore the joy in their marriage.

Sign UpNow  to receive Dr.  Jamie’s “Work it Out – Relationship Tips”  emails packed with practical, helpful, and fun relationship improvement tips.

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by Jamie C.  Williamson, PhD

Married couples who play together, stay together.  

But that doesn’t mean you should treat your marriage like a game.  If you treat your marriage like a game, you’ll get played and lose every time.

What this does mean is that couples who “play together” by engaging in fun, novel activities grow closer to each other, experience more positive emotions toward each other and their relationship, and as a result are happier and want to stay together.

Can it really be that easy?   Yes, it can.

Why Playing Together Helps You Stay Together

First, playing together in novel and arousing activities keeps you (and your spouse) from getting bored and your relationship from becoming a boring routine.

Boredom sacks the current joy out of your relationship and, if not addressed, leads to increasing dissatisfaction over time, the temptation to seek excitement outside the relationship, and/or ultimately the “we’ve just grown apart” explanation for divorce.

Second, playing together also helps you and your spouse connect the good feelings you experience during the activity to your overall relationship.

Third, participating in novel and arousing activities makes people feel happier in general, and when you are a happier person, you are more likely to be a happy partner and extend that positive emotion to your marriage and spouse.

How far do you have to go to keep you and your spouse out of a boring routine?

Off the couch, maybe.  But, not that far.

Go for a bike ride. Throw a football around. Take a walk on the beach or a canoe ride. Try a Stand-Up Paddle board.  A new restaurant.  Get to know other couples — new friends you make together.

Remember, marriage is not a game.  Both husband and wife are on the same side.

So be sure you aren’t keeping score.  If your wife “wins” because you agree to try something new that she recommended, you both win.

And, if your husband “wins” because you agree to try something new that he likes, you also both win.

Here’s a common example for football season (just remember, the point of the story is gender neutral)

If your husband really enjoys watching college football, learn to like it, too, rather than pout and try to make him feel guilty.  (You might have to pretend at first).  This will add a new activity for you to enjoy together.

In turn, he will naturally connect the fun he has watching the game with you to positive feelings about you.  As a result, he will be more likely to want to make you happy and will look for ways to do that – like take a cooking class, or run a 5-K, go with you to church, or start a weekly date night.

Husbands, keep in mind that if you initiate the weekly date night (for example), your wife will transfer her good feeling about that to you and, as a result, be more likely to want to look for novel ways to make you happy, as well.

The point is that if you want to avoid (or get out of) the rut of relationship boredom, you have to play together by engaging in novel and arousing activities.  It doesn’t matter who is ahead at the end of the first quarter.  You’re both on the home team.

Can the novel and arousing activities involve sex?

Sure.

But, you are unlikely to be any good at sex play, if you aren’t fully engaged with each other out of the bedroom.  And, if you suggest novel sex before you’ve shown a willingness to “get off the couch”, your effort will backfire.   First things first.

If you are starting to feel bored in your marriage, share this post with your spouse and talk about ways you can add some new activities or people to your life.   Discuss how the positive feelings you get from these new experiences will help you grow closer again, increase your relationship satisfaction, and decrease the likelihood that you will “grow apart” (or be tempted to find excitement elsewhere).

Pick a new activity and begin to work it out.  If your spouse won’t go along at first, try learning to like something your spouse already enjoys so you can do it together. Then, try to add something novel to you both.

And, let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we facilitate divorce, family and civil mediations.  We also use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative, psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses for individal couples who want to stay together, but restore the joy in their marriage.

Sign Up Now  to receive Dr.  Jamie’s “Work it Out – Relationship Tips”  emails packed with practical, helpful, and fun relationship improvement tips.

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by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

A new school year is a perfect time to refresh your approach to parenting and renew the way you interact with your kids. As kids grow and change, your family communication patterns should change, too.

Back-to-school means back-to-routines for children and their parents or caregivers. In anticipation of this annual change, insightful parents adjust their family routines based on their children’s age, disposition, and learning needs. Bedtimes, homework, extracurricular activities, chores, screen time, friend time, meal times, and family time all get adjusted to match a growing child’s needs.

Establishing routines and expectations helps to decrease stress and create a smooth, predictable family life. So, this is all good….Probably even necessary for healthy child development and parental sanity.

Families also benefit when parents and caregivers review the way they interact with their children and make similar age-appropriate adjustments in family communication patterns involving parental encouragement of two-way conversation and parental expectations for conformity of attitudes and values.

Family Communication Patterns

Conformity Orientation denotes the degree to which children are expected to obey their parents without question and express similar attitudes, beliefs, and values. High Conformity families express similar attitudes, beliefs, and values and try to avoid conflict. So, they seem harmonious. But, may not be under the surface. Low Conformity family members express highly divergent attitudes, beliefs, and values and do not shy away from conflict. So, these families seem discordant. But, may actually be more supportive of each other differences than high conformity family members.

Conversation Orientation designates the degree to which parents and children openly express their differing points of view and remain supportive of each other in the process. High Conversation families encourage members to discuss issues and alternative attitudes, beliefs, and values. Low Conversation families discourage (and often sanction) voicing divergent opinions and refrain from open discussion. Instead, children are expected to think like their parents and do as they are told, without question.

With Conversation Orientation and Conformity Orientation in mind, Ascan Koerner and Mary Ann Fitzpatrick identified four types of families, which I have depicted in the “Types of Families” graphic below.

1. Protective Families are low in conversation and high in conformity. They avoid conflict and emphasize the importance of agreement among members, but engage in little communication about issues. They expect children to obey their parents without asking challenging questions (except the ubiquitous “why”, of course).
2. Consensual Families are high in conversation and high in conformity. They encourage (or at least tolerate) open communication about issues but parents still seek (and often expect) their child’s agreement on important values.
3. Pluralistic Families are high in conversation and low in conformity. They encourage members to appropriately express different points of view and openly engage in communication, while remaining supportive of each other.
4. Laisser-faire Families are low in conversation and low in conformity. They avoid communicating with each other, encourage privacy, and adopt a “do what you want” approach to conflict resolution.

Create Age-Appropriate Family Communication Patterns

Some relationship scholars argue that none of these four family communication patterns are better or more productive than the other types, saying “what works for some families will not work for another family”.

But I disagree.

My research on family conflict, my experience helping families solve problems, and my university-level teaching have convinced me that children need to learn how to formulate their own attitudes, beliefs, and values and express their opinions in a civilized manner before becoming adults.

And, I believe the best way for children to develop moral reasoning and learn to express themselves appropriately and effectively is through age-appropriate interaction at home

In fact, I’ve numbered the Family Communication Patterns 1-2-3 in the order that is likely to work best for most children as they move from pre-school through high school, with parents determining the appropriate pace of skill development for their child.

(Please note that I have intentionally left out #4 Laisser-fair Families because this family structure seems inappropriate for school-age children. The Laisser-fair approach ignores the interdependence of people who share a history, space, and life together, so it is likely to be dysfunctional for an all-adult family, as well).

Here is your challenge:

As part of crafting your new back-to-school routines, review these Family Communication Patterns with your parenting partner, whether you live together or not. Think about which combination of conversation and conformity is appropriate for your child’s age, temperament, and learning needs. Then plan time in your new routines that encourage the family interaction you believe is appropriate for you and your child. If your children are old enough, let them participate in the decisions about how your family will balance conversation and conformity this school year.

You can “work it out” together. Let me know if I can help.

I am a Florida Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and Gottman Methods Couples Counselor.  You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, a mediation practice specializing in “friendly divorce” mediation and family mediation, as well as Marriage Revitalization and Family Dynamics Mediation for families of all configurations.  Family Dynamics Mediation re-calibrates communication among family members in a way that restores amity in your home.

If you liked this blog post, SIGN UP NOW for my “Work it Out – Relationship Tips” emails packed with practical, helpful, and fun relationship guidance that you can really use to help your relationship work.

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By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

The secret to long-lasting romance in marriage is surprisingly simple, inexpensive, and fool proof.

It isn’t  a “romantic” candlelit dinner on Valentine’s Day.  And, unless you learn this simple secret and get primed for romance soon, it won’t be your Spring Break get-away to the beach (or the mountains), either.

You can’t purchase that loving feeling.

Events designed to be romantic flop when you aren’t already lovingly connected to your partner. Instead of helping you reconnect, the contrived candlelit dinner becomes a struggle for conversation topics and that romantic “get-away” reveals that you don’t really know what you enjoy doing together anymore. The empty feeling and disappointment these realizations produce lead, at best, to awkward silences and, at worst, to frustration, angry accusations, and harsh criticism. Either way, they don’t enhance that loving feeling.

You can’t purchase that loving feeling.  You just can’t.

But you can create it.

So, what’s the secret to long-lasting romance in marriage?  

You do small things often. You turn to each other in little ways, every day.

According to Dr. John Gottman, it’s that simple. In The Relationship Cure, Gottman explains that small, intentional moments of kindness and connection have a more positive impact on creating and sustaining marital romance than isolated, grand gestures.

These small loving actions also speak louder than words, when it comes to making your partner feel loved.   In a 2017 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Saeideh Heshmati and his Penn State colleagues found an American cultural consensus that showing compassion and displaying affection (e.g. snuggling) on a daily basis rank higher on the list of what makes people feel loved than typical romantic scenarios or grand verbal declarations of love.

Convinced?     Ready to put this one simple action to the test?

Then, every day (yes every day) just try another small way of turning toward your spouse, instead of away.  For example:

Pay attention and respond with interest.

Notice when your partner subtly asks for your attention, affection, or support and give it. Look at the butterfly and comment on it when she calls it to your attention. Take his side when he shares a work concern. Show that you are glad (really glad) to see your partner at the end of the day. Respond with curiosity when your partner talks about family, friends, and other interests. Theses mundane moments of connection truly matter.

When you don’t have time to respond, express regret and take the time to explain.  Don’t say “I don’t have time”. Instead, say you wish you had time, clarify why you don’t have time, and set up a plan to talk about it “when I get home tonight” or “after the kids are in bed” or “when I get home from my meeting”.

Voluntarily (and routinely) take action to support and connect with your partner.

Fold the laundry or take out the garbage, when it’s not your turn. Run errands for each other. Make dinner together. Pay the bills together. Plan and host a dinner for friends together. Share each other’s burdens and you become more interdependent. Support each other’s contributions and you create a shared sense of purpose. These small, day-to-day gestures go a long way toward deepening your marital connection, helping your partner feel loved, and prime you for marital romance.

Look for small ways to send messages of love.

Send a text message of encouragement when you know your partner has a presentation, an important meeting, or a long day. Send heart emojis when you text the grocery list.  Pack a love note in your partner’s suitcase, briefcase, back pack, or lunch box. These notes don’t have to be poetic, or long, or even include words at all. Put on lipstick, kiss a napkin, and tuck it in the bag. Draw a heart on your business card and leave it on your partner’s windshield. Stick a post-it on the bathroom mirror. These small, from-the-heart expressions of love and support send consistently authentic messages of love and so they mean much more than a once-a year candlelit dinner or perfunctory bouquet of roses on special occasions.

How does this one simple action create more romance in your marriage?

If you’re like most people, you are surprised that the single most essential action that grounds your marital stability and contributes to your on-going romance is the simple act of turning toward your spouse in many small, routine ways every day.

Turning toward each other works because these repeated small gestures solidify your marital connection and promote positive feelings that will sustain your marriage during stressful times and grow the loving feeling of togetherness you share.

Take this loving connection and your positive feelings out to a candlelit dinner or on vacation, and the romantic spark you’re hoping for will ignite. But, chances are, if you adopt this one simple action – and turn towards your spouse in small ways every day – you won’t need expensive dinners or exotic vacations to stir up romance. You’ll have that at home every day.

If you engage in these small gestures every day, you’ll be going on date nights or vacation to enjoy each other. Not to save your marriage.

How do you begin turning toward each other?

If you want to strengthen your relationship and create more romance in your marriage, share this post with your partner. Then, start a conversation about the importance of being truly engaged in your routine interactions. Discuss the value of tuning into each other’s daily needs for attention, support, and encouragement. And, then imagine the difference that doing “small things often” can make in your feelings toward each other and the quality of your life together. Do your best to “work it out”.

Let me know if I can help.

 You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we facilitate divorce, family and civil mediations.  We also use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative, psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses for our clients who want to stay together, but restore the joy in their marriage.

Sign Up Now  to receive Dr.  Jamie’s “Work it Out – Relationship Tips”  emails packed with practical, helpful, and fun relationship improvement tips.

SIGN UP NOW

By Jamie C Williamson, PhD

I’ve been working with couples who resolved to make one final effort to restore the happiness in their marriage. They sincerely want to try, but also don’t want to prolong the pain or keep rehashing the same tired arguments.

So, they begin by asking “How do we know if it is too late for us to save our marriage?”

That question can’t be answered in generalities because the “too late” threshold varies depending on the DNA of each individual marriage. But, certain types of negative interactions produce telltale signs that a couple is headed for relationship demise. These negative patterns are so toxic that they can (and often do) destroy a relationship.

John Gottman refers to these negative interactions as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. The worst of these is contempt.

Are these toxic interactions present in your marriage?

1. Criticism

Criticism is best understood when compared to a complaint. Complaints address a specific behavior, while criticism attacks a person’s character or personality.

Complaint: “I’m glad you’re home. But, the last hour has been hard on me. I get scared when you’re running late and don’t let me know. Can we agree that we won’t do that to each other?”

Criticism: “Well, you’re finally home…an hour late. You do your job. But, you can’t even show me the courtesy you would show one of your customers if you were running late. You’re selfish, self-centered, and never think of me.”

Don’t worry too much if this example of criticism strikes a familiar tone for you. A smattering of critical exchanges is common in marital relationships. But, criticism does leave your partner feeling rejected and hurt, which easily leads to a reciprocal negative response and the possibility of increased frequency of criticism between the two of you. And, if criticism becomes pervasive, it leads to other more toxic negative interaction patterns.

If you find that you and your spouse are starting to be more critical of each other, do the relationship work required to assess the source of your critical interactions and make the changes needed to reverse the negativity in your tone.

2. Contempt

Contempt is criticism on steroids. Contemptuous comments convey disgust and are truly mean. People who communicate with contempt treat their partner with disrespect and mock their partner with sarcasm, hostile joking, name-calling, or mimicking. These verbal insults are often accompanied by eye-rolling and sneering.

Contempt grows out of long-simmering negative thoughts about your partner, which often result from unresolved conflict.  What starts out as a simple complaint, sometimes repeatedly recurs and evolves into criticism. If the issue continues to surface and remain unresolved, partners get fed up. These feelings can fester and grow into generalized contempt – which shows up as an aggressive attack from a sense of superiority, with the purpose to demean the accused person.

Contempt: “Welcome home Hot Shot! You’re so important that you don’t have to follow the rules. You work late, hit happy hour after, and leave your family wondering if you’re dead or alive. What kind of example are you setting for our boys? You want them to think that this is how a “real man” treats his wife and family? I could use a “real man” around here.”

Contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. According to Gottman, it must be eliminated if a couple wants to avoid divorce.

3. Defensiveness

Defensiveness is a common response during conflict, particularly when people feel unjustly accused or when they want to provide an explanation or excuse for their behavior. Unfortunately, defensiveness rarely leads to conflict resolution because, rather than acknowledging that your spouse has a legitimate complaint, defensiveness devalues your spouse’s concern and shifts the blame to your spouse, as well.

Defensiveness: “You know I’m crazy busy. I didn’t text because you’re always on me not to text and drive. And, I didn’t call because I’d just get voice mail – you’re always “too busy” to answer my calls.”

This defensive response shifts the blame to the wife and will likely escalate, rather than defuse the conflict. On the other hand, a non-defensive response shows respect for the wife’s concerns and will likely quell the conflict.

Non-defensive Response: “Sweetheart, I’m so sorry. You are right. I should have texted as soon as I realized I was going to be late. I love that you worry about me, but you shouldn’t have to. I know this isn’t the first time and I promise I’ll do better.”

People often react defensively when they feel challenged or threatened. Keep in mind that
a soft complaint is more likely to produce a non-defensive response while harsh criticism is more likely to produce a defensive response and a negative spiral of more criticism and defensiveness.

If your spouse reacts defensively to what you meant as a complaint, your spouse probably heard the complaint as criticism. If this starts happening regularly in your relationship and you know there are outside pressures affecting one or both of you, just try to be patient and forgiving with one another. If there is no outside stressor affecting you or your spouse’s reactions to each other, then defensive reactions to a simple criticism could be a signal that the criticism is not as soft as you think or that there is an unresolved issue festering between the two of you. Try softening your criticism. If that doesn’t work, figure out what the issue is, and don’t let it fester too long.

4. Stonewalling

Stonewalling involves a lack of responsiveness designed to avoid repeated conflict and negative interactions. Rather than confront an issue or respond to their partner’s concerns, people who stonewall withdraw from interactions by tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or otherwise disengaging in the conflict.

Stonewalling rarely occurs in the early stages of a marriage. Instead, stonewalling emerges after criticism, contempt, and defensiveness become overwhelmingly negative enough to make stonewalling an understandable response. Once stonewalling emerges as a strategy to escape feeling flooded by negativity, it often becomes a self-protective habit that leads to emotional disengagement from the relationship.

Ironically, the more one spouse stonewalls in an effort to protect themselves against turbulent criticism and contempt, the more hostile the critical spouse becomes. When one spouse shuts down, the other becomes frustrated and tries even harder to be heard.

If they reach this stage, some couples start living lonely, parallel lives characterized by emotional indifference, peppered with occasional bouts of toxic negativity. Others experience a fiery meltdown and then divorce.  Hard to say which is more painful.

So, is it too late to save your marriage?

Think about the recent times you and your spouse had a disagreement. Did any of the Four Horsemen show their ugly heads?

Recognizing criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling is the first step toward eliminating them. But, to remove these negative communication patterns from your marriage you must learn and adopt new, productive communication patterns to use instead.

To get started, share this post with your spouse and have a calm, non-judgmental conversation about the lethal effect that criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling will have on your marriage if left unchecked. As you can see from this explanation, it takes two to create toxic communication patterns. It’s not about blame. Accept your part of the responsibility so your spouse will be more likely to do the same. Make a meaningful effort to “work it out”.

And, let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we are now authorized to use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses for couples who want to stay together and restore the warmth and friendship in their marriage.