A New Way to Discover the Best Co-Parenting Partnership Type

 
 
 

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Coparenting the Amity Way with Jamie C. WilliamsonDivorce should not be entered into lightly, especially if you are a parent. Marriages may dissolve. But co-parenting is truly a “to death do us part” commitment. Parents must choose (and it is a choice) whether they will have a friendly divorce or an acrimonious one.  The decision has a lasting impact on the parents, and especially their children.

This obvious reality may come as a shock to even the best parents who are wrapped up in the early stages of divorce. Parents contemplating divorce or dealing with the emotional, psychological, and financial aspects of divorce often require a reminder that children need a safe, secure, and happy family environment to become well-adjusted emotionally and psychologically. Children need their parents to be partners, to like each other, and to be friends at best or, at least, to co-exist peacefully.  And children need this, whether their parents stay married or not.

Fortunately, co-parents are not hostages to their old emotions or patterns of interaction that lead to their divorce. They can build an entirely new relationship based on their mutual love for their children and their interest in building a stable future for the kids and for themselves.  To do so, they must agree to be both physically and emotionally divorced so they can focus on the future, not the past. Co-Parenting Partnership Types by Jamie C. Williamson

I call this approach a “friendly divorce”.   The families of these friendly divorces continue to be just that — families”.     

As a social psychologist specializing in relationship communication counseling and working as a family mediator, I encourage separated or divorced co-parenting couples to assess their Co-Parenting Partnership Type by focusing on the expected frequency of their contact and tone of their interaction, both with one another and in front of their children. 

Of course, the ideal co-parenting partnership is characterized by Good Will, balanced by the appropriate Amount of Communication given the age of the children. 

Co-parents can answer the following questions to discover the best co-parenting partnership type for their post-divorce parenting relationship. 

  1. Given the age of your children, how often will the two of you need to communicate to coordinate shared parenting now, and as your children grow older? How willing are you to let hostile communication with each other impact your children’s development and detract from your ability to build a stable and happy future for yourself?  
  2.  Considering the holidays, extended-family events, your children’s birthdays, school and extracurricular activities, how often will you both be in the same public place at the same time now and as your children come of age? How willing are you to let the distress associated with seeing one another detract from your and especially your children’s ability to enjoy school and extracurricular activities?
  3. As married parents, how often did you show negative feelings toward each other in front of your children?   How did you feel about it on those occasions that you did show negative feelings toward each other in front of your children? How did your children react?
  4. Did you try to refrain from displaying hostility with each other in front of the children because you were married or because you didn’t want to upset your children? Why would your motivation change now that you are separating?
  5. On the Co-Parenting Partnership Types diagram, which type of divorced parenting would characterize your current co-parenting relationship?
  6. Which type of divorced parenting partnership do you believe will support the physical, social, intellectual, and spiritual well-being of your children?
  7. What do you have to change about the frequency and tone of your interaction to become that type of divorced parenting team? How might your co-parenting style naturally change as your children come of age?

If you are thinking about separating or are already divorced, talk through these questions seriously with your parenting partner.  Decide together which Co-Parenting Partnership Type supports your children’s social, emotional, and intellectual well-being, and focus on their needs, rather than your own hurt, anger, or regret. Then, “work it out”.

And, let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we facilitate Divorce, Family, and Civil Meditations.  We also conduct co-parenting psycho-educational sessions that provide divorced co-parents with a tool kit for handling conflict and a safe place to learn new ways to communicate with each other. We help co-parents discover the Co-Parenting Partnership Type that is right for their circumstances and set them on a path toward building a stable future, rather than be stuck rehashing the past.



Co-parenting in the Best Interest of the Children

by Jamie C.  Williamson, PhD

Best Interest of the Children - Amity Mediation WorkshopSometimes divorced parents must sacrifice their own desires to act in “the best interest of the children”. 

Here’s an example.  My neighbor is a divorced Mother in an exemplary co-parenting relationship with the Father of her children.  This is his week to be with their kids.  He’ll have them all week until Saturday at 6 p.m. when he will take them to their mom’s house so they can wake up with her on Mother’s Day. That’s his Mother’s Day gift to her and to his children.

This is an obvious, appropriate choice for most of us. And, of course, she does the same for him when Father’s Day falls on her weekend.

Do they want to cut their parenting time short? Of course not!  But they will because they know it is in the best interest of their children to have a strong, loving relationship with both their Mom and their Dad.

And they are right.   In most cases (and there are obvious exceptions) the “best interests of the child” include having a close, loving relationship with both parents.

Ideally, all children would grow up with parents who worked together (whatever the family configuration) to ensure and encourage their child’s physical and mental well-being, happiness, security, intellectual growth, and socio-emotional development.

But, accomplishing this ideal requires a great deal of effort and self-sacrifice in the best of circumstances.  And it can be particularly difficult for parents who are contemplating divorce, in the middle of a divorce, or already living separate lives.  How do these parents balance their own happiness and well-being with their children’s best interests?

Florida Family Law Statutes 61.13(3) codify the factors that determine “the best interest of the child” in child custody disputes and the courts consider an amalgamation of these factors when making decisions about custody.  One key example is the demonstrated capacity and disposition of each parent to facilitate and encourage a close relationship with the other parent.  And there are 19 other considerations including, the developmental needs of the child, the parent’s capacity to be involved in the child’s school and extracurricular activities, and the demonstrated capacity of each parent to act on the needs of the child as opposed to the needs of the parent.

Fortunately, parents can also consider these criteria on their own or during mediation to work out a parenting arrangement that is in the best interest of their children based on their own unique circumstances.

This week I learned of a divorced mother who agreed to relocate to where her children’s Father was being transferred so that her children could have a meaningful relationship with their Dad.  I also learned of a divorced mother who plans to remain living near her children’s dad, rather than move out-of-state with her fiancé.  She’ll have a long-distance new marriage so that her children won’t lose regular and frequent contact with either of their parents.

These are exemplary Mothers, who — without a court order — agreed to sacrifice their own self-interest to do what they know is in the long-term best interest of their children.  And, of course, there are many other divorced mothers whose choices were less dramatic, but the outcome is still the same.  These Moms cooperatively adjust their own schedules to share parenting with their children’s Fathers in various arrangements that serve the best interest of their children.

Let’s applaud all parents (and parent surrogates) who make sacrifices on behalf of their children every day.   Let’s give a special ovation to those divorced parents who sacrifice their own self-interests so that their children can have a relationship with both of their parents.

If you’re struggling to decide what type of parenting plan is in the best interest of your children, you might find mediation as an amicable way to “work it out”.   Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we facilitate Divorce, Family, and Civil Meditations.  We also conduct co-parenting psycho-educational sessions that provide divorced co-parents with a tool kit for handling conflict and a safe place to learn new ways to communicate with each other. We help co-parents discover the Co-Parenting Partnership Type that is right for their circumstances and set them on a path toward building a stable future, rather than be stuck rehashing the past.