By Jamie C. Williamson, PhDCheers!  This month my husband Larry and I celebrated our 25^th wedding anniversary.  Ours is a second marriage for both of us.  And, even though the 25th is traditionally considered the silver anniversary, we feel “golden” pretty much every day.

Younger couples often tell us that they want to know our secrets to staying happily married.   They are painfully aware that one of every four divorces in the U.S. is a “gray divorce” involving people over 50 ending a long-term marriage. They don’t want to be one of those statistics.

I am always eager to explain the secrets to our happy 25-year marriage with younger couple friends (when asked, of course).  And, in honor of our 25th Anniversary, it seems appropriate to share our approach more broadly.  We learned from social science research and our own personal experience that couples can stay close and protect their marriage against the “gray divorce” phenomenon by adopting these four practices.

Our Four Secrets to Staying Happily Married  

(1) Treat your marriage as the foundation of your family.

If you allow your marriage to erode in the early years, you, your spouse, and your children will feel insecure, unsettled, and tense. Without deliberate care and attention, a once intimate, loving marriage could become conflictual and distant. Even if a distressed marriage survives until children are launched or careers have ended, the kids will likely be troubled, and the couple will likely opt for divorce as a relief from their unfulfilling relationship.

When it comes to family priorities, put marriage stability first, whether you are a family with children or without.  Make time for date nights out or at home each week.  Have relationship talks and routinely kiss each other goodbye and hello.   Show affection often, voice your genuine appreciation for each other’s contribution to your daily life together, and sincerely say “I love you” at least once every single day.  And, if you start drifting apart, double down on these important habits of connection. 

(2) Create a long-term goal and work toward it together.

Young adult couples are less likely to divorce if they are well educated.   Older adult couples, however, are less likely to divorce if they are financially secure. 

It’s not because they have money.  It’s because financial security typically results from a shared commitment to a long-range plan. To achieve financial security couples must define their financial goals and form a joint commitment toward them. Working toward shared goals requires constructive discussions about conflicting priorities. However, establishing shared goals also creates shared interests, a joint commitment, mutual respect for each other’s contribution, and reasons to celebrate your success – all components of a satisfying marriage. 

Whether your goal is to buy a beach house, start a business together as we did, pay off your debt, save for college, or take a dream vacation, once you set a shared goal and start working toward it, you will grow closer, feel proud of your joint progress, and enjoy celebrating your success together. 

(3) Be your best physical self.  

Despite the stereotype, divorce for older couples is rarely connected to male sex enhancement drugs that allow men to satisfy younger women.  But physical appearance is still important to keeping sexual intimacy alive for couples in long-term marriages.

Fortunately, satisfied older married couples don’t expect their partners to conform to an unrealistic, unnatural standard. Instead, they expect each other to show affection and make the most of what they’ve got.

So, work toward a shared goal to stay fit and healthy, clean up each day even when you’re just hanging out at home, hold hands, kiss regularly, and occasionally, share physical intimacy any way you still can, whether that’s dancing on the kitchen floor, rolling like thunder under the covers…or anything in-between.

(4)  Be your partner’s best friend. A romantic spark ignites initial attraction and typically only continues to burn through the first few years of marriage. Couples who have shared interests and a true friendship are the ones most likely to stay married and thrive when that romantic flame becomes embers.

The single most distinguishing characteristic between happy couples and distressed couples is that happy couples are more likely to be best friends.

These married friends truly enjoy each other’s company and embrace their partner’s interests. They routinely create opportunities to do activities they both enjoy and alternate between each other’s favorites. So, if your husband loves to watch football, get excited about the game. If your wife loves musicals, take her to the theater.

Take exercise walks. Ride bikes. Cook together. Plan trips and travel together. Or try something new like a UTV Mountain Experience!

To sustain a happy long marriage, show an interest in what interests your spouse and treat each other with mutual respect. When you are upset by something your spouse has done, focus on the friendship and not the incident. Talk to your spouse as you would your best friend. That is the single most important habit of couples who remain golden, until their silver anniversary and beyond. 

So, the next time you worry whether your marriage will last your lifetime, remember these four habits of couples who stay golden up to and beyond their silver anniversary and “Work it Out”.

Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop where we facilitate divorce, family, and civil mediation. We also use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative, psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses for groups or individual couples who want to stay happily married ’til their silver anniversary and beyond. We call this class “Let’s Stay Together!”

By  Jamie C. Williamson, Ph

Spring symbolizes rebirth and reminds us of the opportunity to refresh and renew our lives and improve our relationships.  These 3 R’s guide the relationship improvement process.

If couples don’t get too caught up in “making” themselves seem happy, they can use these longer spring days to relax and reflect on how to refresh their daily priorities, renew their relationships, and let their  “happy”  bloom naturally.

The 3 R’s of Relationship Improvement

Despite what you may think, people don’t really learn from experience. Instead, we learn from reflecting on our experience. And, the same goes for couples, too.

Think about it.   Unless they reflect on their experiences, couples just rehash the same arguments and make the same mistakes over and over again.

To renew their relationship, couples have to truly think about how their life could flow more easily and be filled with the simple pleasures that constitute true happiness, not the manufactured kind. This type of reflection usually begins with one person, who later shares it with the other.

So, this spring try to capture some private time for yourself so that you can truly reflect on your relationship. Does your marriage seem routine?  Does your spouse seem like your roommate and not your best friend and the love of your life?  Do you fight about things that don’t really matter and avoid talking about the things that do?  Have you let the kids’ activities monopolize all your discretionary time?  Have you let your own interests take away from the time you could (and probably should) be spending with your partner?  Have you let financial concerns keep you from finding creative ways to bring simple joys into your relationship?

In order to to let your “happy” bloom naturally again, you first have to identify the patterns you would like to improve.  So whatever life stage or circumstance you are in, think honestly about what small changes would make a big difference, and keep in mind, that it might be YOUR approach that needs to change.

Once you have identified the existing patterns that interfere with the easy flow of happiness in your relationships, select the one non-threatening pattern that you believe — if changed — would bring a sense of renewal to the daily life of your relationship.  Later, you can address the other issues you identified.

Make one change at a time, because the increased happiness you feel from the first change, makes subsequent changes easier to implement.

Begin to change the interfering pattern by refreshing the way you and your spouse/partner approach the issue involved. This will, of course, require you to disclose what you’ve been thinking about to your partner.

The trick is to initiate the conversation with what’s called a “soft start-up”.  A “soft start-up” addresses the issue directly and head-on, but does NOT include criticism or blame. Begin with an “I” statement and say, for example, “Things are so hectic for us these days, I really miss having time to just hang out with you.  Will you help me figure out some small changes we could make in our routines so that there is more time for us to just be together?”

This refreshed approach will not work if your partner feels blamed for your discontent. Be sure to use the soft start-up and take the time needed to create a safe conversational zone. Then, don’t be surprised if you learn that your partner has been feeling the same way.

When couples refresh their approach to managing the daily patterns in their lives, they are able to reprioritize the allocation of their time, energy, and finances; recapture time to invest in their relationship; and, create a sense of renewal and base-line happiness in their relationship.  When this happens, couples don’t even think about how to make happiness, it just blooms naturally, like spring, every day.

So, share this post with your partner, grab some couple time, and brush up on the 3 R’s that let happy relationships bloom naturally.

And, Let me know if I can help.

 You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we facilitate divorce, family, and civil mediations.  We also are authorized to use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative, psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses  with our clients who want to stay together, but restore the joy in their marriage.

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

The secret to long-lasting romance in marriage is surprisingly simple, inexpensive, and fool proof.

It isn’t  a “romantic” candlelit dinner on Valentine’s Day.  And, unless you learn this simple secret and get primed for romance soon, it won’t be your Spring Break get-away to the beach (or the mountains), either.

You can’t purchase that loving feeling.

Events designed to be romantic flop when you aren’t already lovingly connected to your partner. Instead of helping you reconnect, the contrived candlelit dinner becomes a struggle for conversation topics and that romantic “get-away” reveals that you don’t really know what you enjoy doing together anymore. The empty feeling and disappointment these realizations produce lead, at best, to awkward silences and, at worst, to frustration, angry accusations, and harsh criticism. Either way, they don’t enhance that loving feeling.

You can’t purchase that loving feeling.  You just can’t.

But you can create it.

So, what’s the secret to long-lasting romance in marriage?  

You do small things often. You turn to each other in little ways, every day.

According to Dr. John Gottman, it’s that simple. In The Relationship Cure, Gottman explains that small, intentional moments of kindness and connection have a more positive impact on creating and sustaining marital romance than isolated, grand gestures.

These small loving actions also speak louder than words, when it comes to making your partner feel loved.   In a 2017 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Saeideh Heshmati and his Penn State colleagues found an American cultural consensus that showing compassion and displaying affection (e.g. snuggling) on a daily basis rank higher on the list of what makes people feel loved than typical romantic scenarios or grand verbal declarations of love.

Convinced?     Ready to put this one simple action to the test?

Then, every day (yes every day) just try another small way of turning toward your spouse, instead of away.  For example:

Pay attention and respond with interest.

Notice when your partner subtly asks for your attention, affection, or support and give it. Look at the butterfly and comment on it when she calls it to your attention. Take his side when he shares a work concern. Show that you are glad (really glad) to see your partner at the end of the day. Respond with curiosity when your partner talks about family, friends, and other interests. Theses mundane moments of connection truly matter.

When you don’t have time to respond, express regret and take the time to explain.  Don’t say “I don’t have time”. Instead, say you wish you had time, clarify why you don’t have time, and set up a plan to talk about it “when I get home tonight” or “after the kids are in bed” or “when I get home from my meeting”.

Voluntarily (and routinely) take action to support and connect with your partner.

Fold the laundry or take out the garbage, when it’s not your turn. Run errands for each other. Make dinner together. Pay the bills together. Plan and host a dinner for friends together. Share each other’s burdens and you become more interdependent. Support each other’s contributions and you create a shared sense of purpose. These small, day-to-day gestures go a long way toward deepening your marital connection, helping your partner feel loved, and prime you for marital romance.

Look for small ways to send messages of love.

Send a text message of encouragement when you know your partner has a presentation, an important meeting, or a long day. Send heart emojis when you text the grocery list.  Pack a love note in your partner’s suitcase, briefcase, back pack, or lunch box. These notes don’t have to be poetic, or long, or even include words at all. Put on lipstick, kiss a napkin, and tuck it in the bag. Draw a heart on your business card and leave it on your partner’s windshield. Stick a post-it on the bathroom mirror. These small, from-the-heart expressions of love and support send consistently authentic messages of love and so they mean much more than a once-a year candlelit dinner or perfunctory bouquet of roses on special occasions.

How does this one simple action create more romance in your marriage?

If you’re like most people, you are surprised that the single most essential action that grounds your marital stability and contributes to your on-going romance is the simple act of turning toward your spouse in many small, routine ways every day.

Turning toward each other works because these repeated small gestures solidify your marital connection and promote positive feelings that will sustain your marriage during stressful times and grow the loving feeling of togetherness you share.

Take this loving connection and your positive feelings out to a candlelit dinner or on vacation, and the romantic spark you’re hoping for will ignite. But, chances are, if you adopt this one simple action – and turn towards your spouse in small ways every day – you won’t need expensive dinners or exotic vacations to stir up romance. You’ll have that at home every day.

If you engage in these small gestures every day, you’ll be going on date nights or vacation to enjoy each other. Not to save your marriage.

How do you begin turning toward each other?

If you want to strengthen your relationship and create more romance in your marriage, share this post with your partner. Then, start a conversation about the importance of being truly engaged in your routine interactions. Discuss the value of tuning into each other’s daily needs for attention, support, and encouragement. And, then imagine the difference that doing “small things often” can make in your feelings toward each other and the quality of your life together. Do your best to “work it out”.

Let me know if I can help.

 You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we facilitate divorce, family and civil mediations.  We also use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative, psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses for our clients who want to stay together, but restore the joy in their marriage.

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