You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we facilitate Divorce, Family, and Civil Meditations.  We also conduct co-parenting psycho-educational sessions that provide divorced co-parents with a tool kit for handling conflict and a safe place to learn new ways to communicate with each other. We help co-parents discover the Co-Parenting Partnership Type that is right for their circumstances and set them on a path toward building a stable future, rather than be stuck rehashing the past.

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

A “friendly” divorce without lawyers could be right for you. If you have decided that getting a divorce is the best (and maybe only) option that will promote your future emotional and psychological well-being, and that of your spouse and children, your next step is to determine which of the four paths to a legal divorce is right for you and your circumstances.

To decide which path will serve you best, answer the following questions:

(1A) If you have children, what type of divorced parenting partnership is in the best interest of your children.  For most people, the answer to this question is either “Facilitating Friends” or “Accommodating Allies”, both of which involve high levels of goodwill and cooperative communication.  Read more about types of divorced Parenting Partnerships here.

(1B) If you don’t have children, would you and your spouse like to remain on friendly terms?

If you want a friendly divorce, you could select from among the Do It Yourself,  Pre-Suit Pro Se (without attorneys), or the Pre-Suit, with Attorneys.

(2) How complicated are your financial circumstances?

Do you have customary assets like a home, car, bank accounts, and retirement accounts, as well as typical liabilities like a mortgage, car payment, and credit card bills? Or are your finances more complicated, involving a family business, a trust, or a complex investment portfolio?

If you have simple finances and no children, the Do It Yourself may work for you. If you have children and simple/moderately complex assets and liabilities to equitably distribute, then you could choose between Pre-Suit Pro se (without attorneys), or Pre-Suit, with Attorneys. If you have a highly complex mix of assets and liabilities, you may best be served by an Attorney Driven divorce.

(3) What amount of family resources are you able or willing to invest in the divorce process?

The Do It Yourself divorce is the least expensive but comes with the need to complete complicated forms and work through emotional issues on your own.   If your finances are simple AND you and your spouse are detail-oriented, well organized, have a high level of goodwill for one another, and have excellent communication and conflict resolution skills, then the DYI option may work for you.

The Pre-Suit Pro Se path (a friendly divorce without lawyers) is also relatively inexpensive.  For example,  fees for a friendly, Pre-Suit, Pro Se divorce at Amity Mediation Workshop on Florida’s Emerald Coast range from $1,400 to $3,000, depending on the complexity of your assets and whether or not you have children.

For this moderate cost, in the Pre-Suit  Pro Se option, your mediator facilitates the emotional discussions and empowers you to reach mutual agreement on all of your current issues. The mediator also prepares your Marital Settlement Agreement, Parenting Plan, and Child Support Guidelines Worksheet.   Many mediators, like those at Amity Mediation Workshop, also include assistance with document preparation and Family Law Forms.  This type of one-stop-shop helps simplify and de-stress the divorce process.

The Pre-Suit with Attorneys path is more expensive than a divorce without lawyers, but also typically less expensive and less adversarial than an attorney-driven divorce.  Along this path to divorce, attorneys guide their clients’ decision making, but work in a collaborative manner with each other. The mediator works directly with the parties to help them resolve issues and create their Marital Settlement Agreement. The Attorney-Driven path to divorce is the most expensive and will vary by lawyer and region. According to Lawyers.Com, the average attorney fees for a divorce in Florida are $10,700, and the average total cost of a Florida divorce with attorneys is $13,500.   The costs range depending on whether or not children and complicated assets are involved, as well as how acrimonious and protracted the process becomes.

(4) How quickly would you like to complete the divorce process so you can start building a stable future for you and your children?

The DYI divorce could be the quickest, if you have limited/no assets, no children, no problem completing the forms, and high levels of goodwill and cooperation with one another.

The Pre-Suit Pro Se friendly divorce without lawyers typically involves a one-hour planning session and two weekly 2-to-3 hour mediation sessions.  This means that by utilizing a mediation practice like Amity Mediation Workshop you could resolve all of your issues and be ready to file for a non-contested divorce in about one month.

The Pre-Suit with Attorneys path stretches over a longer time period than the Pre Suit, Pro Se, in large part due to the attorneys’ scheduling and the time they need for advance consultation and preparation with their client.  Still, this path is much quicker than the Attorney Driven path.

The Attorney-Driven path to divorce takes the longest.  According to Lawyers.Com, the average duration of the attorney-driven divorce process in Florida is 15 months and ranges from 7 to 30 months, depending on attorney schedules, the complexity of the case, and the amount of acrimony that creeps into the process.

So you decide.

If you are like most (but certainly not all) people, a friendly divorce without lawyers may be your best option:

1. You want to remain friendly with your spouse, especially if you will continue being Parenting Partners.
2. You have typical assets and liabilities that can be equability distributed without complicated legal transactions.
3. You would rather reserve family resources so that you and your spouse have the money you need to start over and build a stable future for yourselves and your children.
4. You would rather move forward deliberately and begin building a happy, stable future rather than be stuck in limbo for a year or more rehashing the past.

At Amity, our guiding philosophy of civility and a friendly approach to facilitating conversations permeates our mediation work. And we embrace an optimism about what people can do with and for each other if they are simply willing to focus on finding solutions that are good for them AND for the others involved in their issues, especially children. 

We know that most couples and families truly value peaceful resolution of issues with as little hurt to those involved as possible.  We hope couples and families can stay together. But, our goal is to help people eliminate distress in their relationships and maintain peace, whether they stay together or not.

Our approach supports and guides individuals as they work to settle their differences and define for themselves the future of their relationships. If you have decided to divorce, share the Paths to Legal Divorce graphic with your spouse. Decide which option is best for you.  Then, start to Work it Out.

And, let me know if I can help.

P.S.   Deciding whether or not to get divorced is excruciatingly difficult. If you are struggling with that question, and need help working through the decision-making process, read my three-part series titled Should I Stay or Should I Go?

By Jamie C Williamson, PhD

I’ve been working with couples who resolved to make one final effort to restore the happiness in their marriage. They sincerely want to try, but also don’t want to prolong the pain or keep rehashing the same tired arguments.

So, they begin by asking “How do we know if it is too late for us to save our marriage?”

That question can’t be answered in generalities because the “too late” threshold varies depending on the DNA of each individual marriage. But, certain types of negative interactions produce telltale signs that a couple is headed for relationship demise. These negative patterns are so toxic that they can (and often do) destroy a relationship.

John Gottman refers to these negative interactions as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. The worst of these is contempt.

Are these toxic interactions present in your marriage?

1. Criticism

Criticism is best understood when compared to a complaint. Complaints address a specific behavior, while criticism attacks a person’s character or personality.

Complaint: “I’m glad you’re home. But, the last hour has been hard on me. I get scared when you’re running late and don’t let me know. Can we agree that we won’t do that to each other?”

Criticism: “Well, you’re finally home…an hour late. You do your job. But, you can’t even show me the courtesy you would show one of your customers if you were running late. You’re selfish, self-centered, and never think of me.”

Don’t worry too much if this example of criticism strikes a familiar tone for you. A smattering of critical exchanges is common in marital relationships. But, criticism does leave your partner feeling rejected and hurt, which easily leads to a reciprocal negative response and the possibility of increased frequency of criticism between the two of you. And, if criticism becomes pervasive, it leads to other more toxic negative interaction patterns.

If you find that you and your spouse are starting to be more critical of each other, do the relationship work required to assess the source of your critical interactions and make the changes needed to reverse the negativity in your tone.

2. Contempt

Contempt is criticism on steroids. Contemptuous comments convey disgust and are truly mean. People who communicate with contempt treat their partner with disrespect and mock their partner with sarcasm, hostile joking, name-calling, or mimicking. These verbal insults are often accompanied by eye-rolling and sneering.

Contempt grows out of long-simmering negative thoughts about your partner, which often result from unresolved conflict.  What starts out as a simple complaint, sometimes repeatedly recurs and evolves into criticism. If the issue continues to surface and remain unresolved, partners get fed up. These feelings can fester and grow into generalized contempt – which shows up as an aggressive attack from a sense of superiority, with the purpose to demean the accused person.

Contempt: “Welcome home Hot Shot! You’re so important that you don’t have to follow the rules. You work late, hit happy hour after, and leave your family wondering if you’re dead or alive. What kind of example are you setting for our boys? You want them to think that this is how a “real man” treats his wife and family? I could use a “real man” around here.”

Contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. According to Gottman, it must be eliminated if a couple wants to avoid divorce.

3. Defensiveness

Defensiveness is a common response during conflict, particularly when people feel unjustly accused or when they want to provide an explanation or excuse for their behavior. Unfortunately, defensiveness rarely leads to conflict resolution because, rather than acknowledging that your spouse has a legitimate complaint, defensiveness devalues your spouse’s concern and shifts the blame to your spouse, as well.

Defensiveness: “You know I’m crazy busy. I didn’t text because you’re always on me not to text and drive. And, I didn’t call because I’d just get voice mail – you’re always “too busy” to answer my calls.”

This defensive response shifts the blame to the wife and will likely escalate, rather than defuse the conflict. On the other hand, a non-defensive response shows respect for the wife’s concerns and will likely quell the conflict.

Non-defensive Response: “Sweetheart, I’m so sorry. You are right. I should have texted as soon as I realized I was going to be late. I love that you worry about me, but you shouldn’t have to. I know this isn’t the first time and I promise I’ll do better.”

People often react defensively when they feel challenged or threatened. Keep in mind that
a soft complaint is more likely to produce a non-defensive response while harsh criticism is more likely to produce a defensive response and a negative spiral of more criticism and defensiveness.

If your spouse reacts defensively to what you meant as a complaint, your spouse probably heard the complaint as criticism. If this starts happening regularly in your relationship and you know there are outside pressures affecting one or both of you, just try to be patient and forgiving with one another. If there is no outside stressor affecting you or your spouse’s reactions to each other, then defensive reactions to a simple criticism could be a signal that the criticism is not as soft as you think or that there is an unresolved issue festering between the two of you. Try softening your criticism. If that doesn’t work, figure out what the issue is, and don’t let it fester too long.

4. Stonewalling

Stonewalling involves a lack of responsiveness designed to avoid repeated conflict and negative interactions. Rather than confront an issue or respond to their partner’s concerns, people who stonewall withdraw from interactions by tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or otherwise disengaging in the conflict.

Stonewalling rarely occurs in the early stages of a marriage. Instead, stonewalling emerges after criticism, contempt, and defensiveness become overwhelmingly negative enough to make stonewalling an understandable response. Once stonewalling emerges as a strategy to escape feeling flooded by negativity, it often becomes a self-protective habit that leads to emotional disengagement from the relationship.

Ironically, the more one spouse stonewalls in an effort to protect themselves against turbulent criticism and contempt, the more hostile the critical spouse becomes. When one spouse shuts down, the other becomes frustrated and tries even harder to be heard.

If they reach this stage, some couples start living lonely, parallel lives characterized by emotional indifference, peppered with occasional bouts of toxic negativity. Others experience a fiery meltdown and then divorce.  Hard to say which is more painful.

So, is it too late to save your marriage?

Think about the recent times you and your spouse had a disagreement. Did any of the Four Horsemen show their ugly heads?

Recognizing criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling is the first step toward eliminating them. But, to remove these negative communication patterns from your marriage you must learn and adopt new, productive communication patterns to use instead.

To get started, share this post with your spouse and have a calm, non-judgmental conversation about the lethal effect that criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling will have on your marriage if left unchecked. As you can see from this explanation, it takes two to create toxic communication patterns. It’s not about blame. Accept your part of the responsibility so your spouse will be more likely to do the same. Make a meaningful effort to “work it out”.

And, let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we are now authorized to use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses for couples who want to stay together and restore the warmth and friendship in their marriage.

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

There are four signs that signal a progressive, downward relationship spiral leading to divorce.   But, you can learn to recognize these cautionary signals and take a detour that will put you back on the path to a long, satisfying marriage.

Which couple are you?

This week I met two young couples.  Both couples have been married for about four years.  Both couples are loving parents of a toddler.   Both parents in both couples are gainfully employed in professional jobs that provide health insurance and retirement benefits.  Both couples seem to “have it all”.

But yet, they are distressed.

Amy and Brian are heartbroken because no matter how hard they both try, they can’t seem to stop having the same fights over and over again.  In contrast, Lisa and Mike feel angry because they each see their marital problems as the other’s fault and they have given up trying to talk about it because talking just leads to another fight.

From the outside looking in, these couples seem similar. Both couples experience a lot of conflict and feel distressed.  But for Amy and Brian there is still a high likelihood that they can bring the joy back to their marriage if they quickly take steps to turn their relationship around.  For Lisa and Mike, the chances are slim because they’ve gone too far down the wrong road.

Four Signs You Could Be Headed for Divorce

1. You view your relationship problems as severe.  You started out as flovers (lovers who are also best friends).  But, now you notice that conflict is more frequent and has taken on a negative tone, especially for major issues that keep recurring.  This negativity then begins to bleed over into other aspects of your life, as well.  But, still you are turning toward each other to work things out.
2. Talking things over seems useless. You begin to blame the other for your relationship problems and your relationship talk is characterized by complaints, sarcasm, reciprocated negative feelings, and problem escalation or flooding the conversation with multiple criticisms.  You start to turn away from each other and try to solve the problems individually, rather than as a couple.
3. Spouses start leading parallel, but separate lives. To reduce conflict and tension, and to get some perspective on the relationship, spouses avoid talking about their relationship or issues other than those topics that surround their daily routines.  When other issues do come up, the intense conflict, criticism, and even contempt return.  So, you and your spouse begin to keep your distance and to live more like polite roommates than the intimate flovers you once were.
4. You feel alone in your own home. When communication is restricted to routine matters peppered with the inevitable eruptions of intense conflict, there is little intimacy exchanged between spouses.   You may go through the motions of your daily routine and family life, and may even continue to have sex.  But, your marital intimacy has been replaced, at best, by cordial indifference or, at worst, controlled hostility that lies barely under the surface and frequently erupts.

Where is the Point of No Return?

Couples like Amy and Brian can more easily reverse the downward trajectory because they noticed the first warning signs of relationship distress.  Either on their own, or with the help of a psycho-education course like “Let’s Stay Together”, they have a good chance of restoring the intimacy and happiness in their marriage.

Couples like Lisa and Mike, who continued to ignore the warning signs, have likely reached a “point of no return” or will have a rougher road back to each other than they would have if they had noticed the early warning signs that they were possibly headed to divorce.

If you’ve been seeing the early signs that you are on the road to divorce, try starting a conversation about how to become flovers again.

If you think you might have reached the “point of no return” in your marriage, try starting a civil conversation about your choices:  Are you both willing to try the rough road back to each other or, if not, can you dissolve your marriage amicably before you hurt each other and your children even more.  Granted…that’s a hard conversation to have.  But, I’ve seen couples who thought divorce was inevitable find their way back to each other.  And, ironically, I’ve also seen many miserable couples build a better life for themselves and their children through divorce.

Whether you are seeing the early warning signs or afraid you are reaching the point of no return, share this post with your spouse, start a conversation to discover the right road for you,  and work it out.

Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we (a) deliver our own “Let’s Stay Together – Marriage Refresher Course” – a private psycho-educational course delivered in a workshop-for-two format that serves couples who want to stay married, but also improve their relationship and (b) Divorce Mediation for couples that have decided to divorce but want to remain friendly and reach an agreement that serves the needs of all involved, especially the children.   If you aren’t sure, we can help you figure that out, too.

I’m a Gottman Leader authorized to deliver the Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work Couples Program and to use the Gottman Relationship Checkup when working with couples trying to decide if they have reached a “point of no return”.    I’ll help you work it out. 

If you liked this blog post, SIGN UP NOW for Dr. Jamie’s “Work it Out – Relationship Tips” emails packed with practical, helpful, and fun relationship guidance that you can use to make your relationships work. 

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by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Many people started out the New Year thinking about getting a divorce, even if they didn’t realize it at first.

People rarely include “get a divorce” on their list of resolutions. Instead, divorce becomes the unhappy (but necessary) by-product of resolutions like “This is the year I’m going to have the courage to change the things I can”…..  Or  “This is the year I’m going to start taking care of my own needs and quit trying to get my spouse to change”….Or “This is the year I’m going to stop playing these games and start a new  life — before it’s too late. ”  …or some other version of:  “This is the year I’m going to find a way to be happy”.

These are familiar resolutions, with the thought of divorce often hidden by the worthy intentions to make a better life. So, it follows that divorce filings peak during the post-holiday season, particularly in January and March.  The January spike derives from couples who do their best to get through the holidays for the children’s sake, and then act on their joint decision to divorce after the holidays.  The March uptick can be traced to individuals who decide they want a divorce before or during the holiday period but choose not to tell their spouse until after the holidays.

Sometimes, of course, people hang on to their last bit of optimism and believe that the holiday magic will rekindle their marriage flame. But, that rarely happens.  Instead, fake holiday warmth and cheer provides a stark contrast to true holiday joy.

And, by mid-January many distressed people decide to either stick with their resolve to take action or to resign themselves (and their spouse and children) to another game of charades or worse yet, family feud.

If you have resolved that “this is the year you create a better life for yourself and your family” you may have also reached the painful conclusion that getting a divorce is the best (and maybe only) option that will promote your future emotional and psychological well-being, and that of your spouse and children.

If so, your next step is to determine which of the four paths to a legal divorce is right for you and your circumstances: You can choose the Do it Yourself Divorce, the Pre-Suit Pro Se Divorce (with a mediator, but not attorneys), the Pre-Suit Divorce (with attorneys and a mediator), or the Attorney Driven Divorce.

To decide which path will serve you best, answer the following questions:

(1A) If you have children, what type of divorced parenting partnership is in the best interest of your children.  For most people, the answer to this question is either “Facilitating Friends” or “Accommodating Allies”, both of which involved high levels of good will and cooperative communication.  Read more about type of Divorced Parenting Partnerships here.

(1B) If you don’t have children, would you and your spouse like to remain on friendly terms?

If you want a friendly divorce, you could select from among the Do It Yourself, Pre-Suit Pro Se (without attorneys), or the Pre-Suit, with Attorneys.

(2) How complicated are your financial circumstances?

Do you have customary assets like a home, car, bank accounts, and retirement accounts, as well as typical liabilities like a mortgage, car payment, and credit card bills? Or are your finances more complicated, involving a family business, a trust, or a complex investment portfolio?

If you have simple finances and no children, the Do It Yourself may work for you. If you have children and simple/moderately complex assets and liabilities to equitably distribute, then you could choose between Pre-Suit Pro se (without attorneys), or Pre-Suit, with Attorneys. If you have a highly complex mix of assets and liabilities, you may best be served by an Attorney Driven divorce.

(3) What amount of family resources are you able or willing to invest in the divorce process?

The Do It Yourself divorce is the least expensive, but comes with the need to complete complicated forms and work through emotional issues on your own.   If your finances are simple AND you and your spouse are detail oriented, well organized, have a high level of good will for one another and excellent communication and conflict resolution skills, then the DYI option may work for you.

The Pre-Suit Pro Se path (a friendly divorce without lawyers) is also relatively inexpensive.  For example, Pre-Suit, Pro Se fees at Amity Mediation Workshop on Florida’s Emerald Coast range from $1,400 to $3,000, depending on the complexity of your assets and whether or not you have children. The fees may be even less if you qualify for the Court Sponsored mediation program.

For this moderate cost, in the Pre-Suit  Pro Se option your mediator facilitates the emotional discussions and empowers you to reach mutual agreement on all of your current issues. The mediator also prepares your Marital Settlement Agreement , Parenting Plan, and Child Support Guidelines Worksheet.   Many mediators, like those at Amity Mediation Workshop, also include assistance with document preparation and Family Law Forms.  This type of one-stop shop helps simplify and de-stress the divorce process.

The Pre-Suit with Attorneys path is more expensive than a divorce without lawyers, but also typically less expensive and less adversarial than an attorney driven divorce.  Along this path to divorce, attorneys guide their clients’ decision making, but work in a collaborative manner with each other. The mediator works directly with the parties to help them resolve issues and create their Marital Settlement Agreement.

The Attorney-Driven path to divorce is the most expensive and will vary by lawyer and region. According to Lawyers.Com , the average attorney fees for a divorce in Florida are $10,700 and the average total cost of a Florida divorce with attorneys $13,500.   The costs range depending on whether or not children and complicated assets are involved, as well as how acrimonious and protracted the process becomes.

(4) How quickly would you like to complete the divorce process so you can start building a stable future for you and your children?

The DYI divorce could be the quickest, if you have limited/no assets, no children, no problem completing the forms, and high levels of good will and cooperation with one another.

The Pre-Suite Pro Se friendly divorce without lawyers typically involves a one-hour planning session and two weekly 2-to-3 hour mediation sessions.  This means that by utilizing a mediation practice like Amity Mediation Workshop you could resolve all of your issues and be ready to file for a non-contested divorce in about one month.

The Pre-Suite with Attorneys path stretches over a longer time period than the Pre Suit, Pro Se, in large part due to the attorneys’ scheduling and the time they need for advance consultation and preparation with their client.  Still, this path is much quicker than the Attorney Driven path.

The Attorney-Driven path to divorce takes the longest.  According to Lawyers.Com, the average duration of the attorney-driven divorce process in Florida is 15 months and ranges from 7 to 30 months, depending on attorney schedules, the complexity of the case, and the amount of acrimony that creeps into the process.

So you decide.

If you are like most (but certainly not all) people, a Pre-Suit, Pro Se divorce may be your best option:

1. You want to remain friendly with your spouse, especially if you will continue being Parenting Partners.
2. You have typical assets and liabilities that can be equability distributed without complicated legal transactions.
3. You would rather reserve family resources so that you and your spouse have the money you need to start over and build a stable future for yourselves and your children.
4. You would rather move forward deliberately and begin building a happy, stable future rather than be stuck in limbo for a year or more rehashing the past.

At Amity, our guiding philosophy of civility and a friendly approach to facilitating conversations permeates our mediation work. And we embrace an optimism about what people can do with and for each other if they are simply willing to focus on finding solutions that are good for them AND for the others involved in their issues, especially children.  

We know that most couples and families truly value peaceful resolution of issues with as little hurt to those involved as possible.  We hope couples and families can stay together. But, our goal is to help people eliminate distress in their relationships and maintain at peace, whether they stay together or not.

Our approach supports and guides individuals as they work to settle their differences and define for themselves the future of their relationships. If you have decided to divorce, share the Paths to Legal Divorce graphic with your spouse. Decide which option is best for you.  Then, start to Work it Out.

And, let me know if I can help. You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop where we conduct Pre-Suit, Pro Se Divorces in an amicable environment.  Our approach to Divorce Mediation helps you to resolve your issues without another fight and to build a stable future for all involved, especially the children.

P.S.   Deciding whether or not to get divorced is excruciatingly difficult. If you are struggling with that question, and need help working through the decision-making process, read my three-part series titled Should I Stay or Should I Go?    And, let me know if I can help you and your spouse work through the decision together.

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Divorcing couples do move through predictable and understandable stages of divorce, each associated with different practical concerns, emotions, and typical behavior patterns.

But, divorce initiation often begins with a seemingly calm, barely detectable phase.   You have to pay close attention or it will catch you by surprise.

Most explanations of the phases of divorce ignore this all important first phase experienced by the person initiating the divorce.   Instead, the typical list of divorce phases focuses on the emotional phases experienced by the person responding to their spouse’s request for a divorce.

A common explanation of the stages of divorce characterizes the divorce as the “death” of the relationship and draws on Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s well known writing about the Stages of Grief to explain that people typically go through 5 stages of loss and recovery as a result of the divorce: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

You’ve likely read these models before.  And, because they can be useful when helping individuals understand their reactions to the divorce, I created and use one of these grief models, too.

My explanation of the phases of divorce includes the following 7 Stages of Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce.  (Notice this model focuses on the final outcome (recovery) not the initial feeling (grief).

Depicting the life-rebuilding process in linear stages can help people know what to expect to experience when they go through a divorce and it can help people understand their own and their partner’s feelings and behavior.  These stage models help people realize that they are experiencing a normal response to a major life-changing event.

Do people go through the stages sequentially? 

Not typically.  Individuals generally move through all of the Stages of Rebuilding After Divorce over time; but, during this challenging time of transition individuals often move in, out, and around the stages as they work toward the process of acceptance and rebuilding their lives.   If individuals get “stuck” in one of the stages, they can seek help from a therapist or family mediator in order to move beyond that stage.

Do spouses experiences the stages at the same time?

Not often.  Usually the initiating spouse is ready to divorce and the responding spouse is reluctant to give up on the marriage.  Some are unwilling to divorce unless forced to do so.

The responding spouse often perceives the initiating spouse as indifferent or unfeeling, with comments as “you don’t seem so sad….you don’t seem to care at all”.  And, in some cases that could be accurate.

More often, however, the initiating spouse has actually cautiously contemplated divorce for some time and, as such, worked through most of the initial emotional stages of divorce BEFORE overtly introducing the topic of divorce to the responding spouse.  This happens in the relatively calm, Contemplative Phase of divorce that often goes unnoticed by the responding spouse.  Yet, it also often leads to divorce initiation and engenders the emotional stages of divorce and rebuilding.

The Calm, Undetectable Contemplative Phase of Divorce

When basically well-adjusted people begin to think about divorce, they typically experience a great deal of cognitive dissonance associated with balancing their personal needs and desires with their competing desire to uphold their commitment to their spouse, their marriage, and for some, their children, as well.

So, they do a lot of thinking.   They have moved beyond denial and experienced anger and sadness.  They assess what they appreciate and dislike about their marriage, their spouse, and how their spouse treats them.  They consider whether or not they would be justified in ending the marriage.  They consider how life would actually be better (or worse) if they were divorced.

Paradoxically, when people truly begin to contemplate divorce, they often are on their best behavior.  They haven’t decided what they want and realize that in the end, they could decide they truly want to stay married.  So, they don’t want to initiate conflict or degrade the marriage relationship, and they don’t want to send the signal that they are contemplating divorce, in case they change their mind.

When an individual moves out of the Contemplative Phase of Divorce and actually introduces divorce as a topic of conversation, the responding spouse is often, understandably shocked.  After all, the initiating spouse seemed happy, they weren’t having much conflict, and their day-to-day routine was running smoothly.  The initiating spouses did a good job covering up while contemplating divorce.  But, this left the responding spouse with little reason to suspect that divorce was on the horizon.  In addition, the initiating spouse seems unfeeling or indifferent to the responding spouse because the initiating spouse has already worked through anger and sadness to determine, although reluctantly, that divorce is inevitable, perhaps even desirable under the circumstances.

Transformative divorce mediation can help the responding spouse understand the Contemplative Phase, reflect back on the initiating spouse’s behavior, and retrospectively recognize when their spouse moved through the initial emotional stages of divorce.  That realization makes it easier for the responding spouse to work cooperatively with the initiating spouse through the acceptance and rebuilding phase of life after divorce.

If you and your spouse are struggling with the emotional Stages of Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce, share this post and try to work it out.   You may want to consider transformative, divorce mediation that will help you remain amicable while you work through your issues and reach agreement on how you will build a stable, but separate future for yourselves.

If you think your spouse might be in the Contemplative Phase of Divorce, share this post as a way to initiate a conversation about whether or not you are both happy in your marriage.  You might be surprised how often, with an early intervention, couples can work it out.

Either way, let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we provide the “Lets Stay Together” Marriage Refresher Course for couples who want to try to make their marriage work again and Divorce Mediation for couples who have decided to divorce, but want to do so amicably.

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

If you have decided that getting a divorce is the best (and maybe only) option that will promote your future emotional and psychological well-being, and that of your spouse and children, your next step is to determine which of the four paths to a legal divorce is right for you and your circumstances.

To decide which path will serve you best, answer the following questions:

(1A) If you have children, what type of divorced parenting partnership is in the best interest of your children.  For most people, the answer to this question is either “Facilitating Friends” or “Accommodating Allies”, both of which involve high levels of good will and cooperative communication.  Read more about types of divorced Parenting Partnerships here.

(1B) If you don’t have children, would you and your spouse like to remain on friendly terms?

If you want a friendly divorce, you could select from among the Do It Yourself,  Pre-Suit Pro Se (without attorneys), or the Pre-Suit, with Attorneys.

(2) How complicated are your financial circumstances?

Do you have customary assets like a home, car, bank accounts, and retirement accounts, as well as typical liabilities like a mortgage, car payment, and credit card bills? Or are your finances more complicated, involving a family business, a trust, or a complex investment portfolio?

If you have simple finances and no children, the Do It Yourself may work for you. If you have children and simple/moderately complex assets and liabilities to equitably distribute, then you could choose between Pre-Suit Pro se (without attorneys), or Pre-Suit, with Attorneys. If you have a highly complex mix of assets and liabilities, you may best be served by an Attorney Driven divorce.

(3) What amount of family resources are you able or willing to invest in the divorce process?

The Do It Yourself divorce is the least expensive, but comes with the need to complete complicated forms and work through emotional issues on your own.   If your finances are simple AND you and your spouse are detail oriented, well organized, have a high level of good will for one another and excellent communication and conflict resolution skills, then the DYI option may work for you.

The Pre-Suit Pro Se path (a friendly divorce without lawyers) is also relatively inexpensive.  For example,  fees for a friendly, Pre-Suit, Pro Se divorce at Amity Mediation Workshop on Florida’s Emerald Coast range from $1,400 to $3,000, depending on the complexity of your assets and whether or not you have children.

For this moderate cost, in the Pre-Suit  Pro Se option your mediator facilitates the emotional discussions and empowers you to reach mutual agreement on all of your current issues. The mediator also prepares your Marital Settlement Agreement , Parenting Plan, and Child Support Guidelines Worksheet.   Many mediators, like those at Amity Mediation Workshop, also include assistance with document preparation and Family Law Forms.  This type of one-stop shop helps simplify and de-stress the divorce process.

The Pre-Suit with Attorneys path is more expensive than a divorce without lawyers, but also typically less expensive and less adversarial than an attorney driven divorce.  Along this path to divorce, attorneys guide their clients’ decision making, but work in a collaborative manner with each other. The mediator  works directly with the parties to help them resolve issues and create their Marital Settlement Agreement.

The Attorney-Driven path to divorce is the most expensive and will vary by lawyer and region. According to Lawyers.Com , the average attorney fees for a divorce in Florida are $10,700 and the average total cost of a Florida divorce with attorneys $13,500.   The costs range depending on whether or not children and complicated assets are involved, as well as how acrimonious and protracted the process becomes.

(4) How quickly would you like to complete the divorce process so you can start building a stable future for you and your children?

The DYI divorce could be the quickest, if you have limited/no assets, no children, no problem completing the forms, and high levels of good will and cooperation with one another.

The Pre-Suit Pro Se friendly divorce without lawyers typically involves a one-hour planning session and two weekly 2-to-3 hour mediation sessions.  This means that by utilizing a mediation practice like Amity Mediation Workshop you could resolve all of your issues and be ready to file for a non-contested divorce in about one month.

The Pre-Suit with Attorneys path stretches over a longer time period than the Pre Suit, Pro Se, in large part due to the attorneys’ scheduling and the time they need for advance consultation and preparation with their client.  Still, this path is much quicker than the Attorney Driven path.

The Attorney-Driven path to divorce takes the longest .  According to Lawyers.Com, the average duration of the attorney-driven divorce process in Florida is 15 months and ranges from 7 to 30 months, depending on attorney schedules, the complexity of the case, and the amount of acrimony that creeps into the process.

So you decide.

If you are like most (but certainly not all) people, a Friendly, Pre-Suit Pro Se divorce may be your best option:

1. You want to remain friendly with your spouse, especially if you will continue being Parenting Partners.
2. You have typical assets and liabilities that can be equability distributed without complicated legal transactions.
3. You would rather reserve family resources so that you and your spouse have the money you need to start over and build a stable future for yourselves and your children.
4. You would rather move forward deliberately and begin building a happy, stable future rather than be stuck in limbo for a year or more rehashing the past.

At Amity, our guiding philosophy of civility and a friendly approach to facilitating conversations permeates our mediation work. And we embrace an optimism about what people can do with and for each other if they are simply willing to focus on finding solutions that are good for them AND for the others involved in their issues, especially children.  

We know that most couples and families truly value peaceful resolution of issues with as little hurt to those involved as possible.  We hope couples and families can stay together. But, our goal is to help people eliminate distress in their relationships and maintain peace, whether they stay together or not.

Our approach supports and guides individuals as they work to settle their differences and define for themselves the future of their relationships. If you have decided to divorce, share the Paths to Legal Divorce graphic with your spouse. Decide which option is best for you.  Then, start to Work it Out.

And, let me know if I can help.

P.S.   Deciding whether or not to get divorced is excruciatingly difficult. If you are struggling with that question, and need help working through the decision-making process, read my three-part series titled Should I Stay or Should I Go?

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

One of the main reasons people in contemporary western culture get stuck in what I call the Contemplative Phase of divorce is that the purpose of marriage itself has evolved over the last few decades, leaving people confused about what they value most from what should be the most valuable relationship in their life.

They can’t distinguish their sense of obligation from their once loving commitment. They can’t figure out how their best friend became a stranger.  They desperately want to be happy AND do the right thing.  So, they are left wondering, “how unhappy do I have to be in order to justify divorce?”

Ideal marriage is no longer characterized as a traditional (and very practical) exchange relationship, where the husband is head of the household and provides for the economic well being of the wife who keeps the home fires burning.   Instead, as more women earned college degrees, developed careers, and exercised their family planning options, men and women began to marry primarily for love, along with mutual interests, dual incomes (unless they decide otherwise), and shared decision making, parenting and household responsibilities.   

Today, the fairy tale marriage includes spouses who are lovers, friends, and committed equal partners.

Most couples know to expect temporary changes in their relationship due to work pressure, the introduction of children to the relationship, and other life events.  However, when couples experience a serious, long-lasting deficiency in the intimacy, passion, or commitment they once shared, they sense that their marriage love style has changed, prompting either or both of them to contemplate divorce.

Imagine it…..you took a vow. Made a commitment.  And, likely married someone who was once your best friend.  Things changed. You miss the loving relationship you once shared.  And, you have done all you know how to do to revitalize your marriage.   The improvements didn’t last.

So, now you wonder….

“How unhappy do I have to be in order to justify initiating a divorce?”

This post is the third and final post in a three-part series focused the way you and your spouse display intimacy, commitment and passion to create your Marriage Love Style, which can evole over time.  For more detail and the questions that help you assess your own relationship, read the first two posts in the Should I Stay or Should I Go series.

Robert Sternberg used the concepts of intimacy, commitment, and passion to articulate his powerfully descriptive Triangle Theory of Love, which illustrates eight Love Styles. I expand his theory by using the three dimensions of love and the Love Styles as a guide for making decisions about marriage and divorce.

Let’s review the Love Styles below, keeping in mind that each of the dimensions run along a continuum from low to high.  You can mark your level on a triangle, create your own unique marriage Love Style, and use the diagrams below to determine the Love Style that most closely matches your marriage.

Now, reflect back on your wedding day and the early stage of your marriage. What Love Style best characterized your marriage at that time?

What Love Style best characterizes your marriage now?

How has your marriage Love Style changed over time? (If you haven’t already done these assessments, you can find the questions here).

And, now the hard part.

First: Determine how your current Marriage Love Style impacts your level of satisfaction with your marriage. On a scale of 1 (very dissatisfied) to 7 (very satisfied). How satisfied are you with the current state of your marriage love style?

Second: Distinguish between your satisfaction with your Marriage Love Style and your own personal level of happiness.  For example, you could be experiencing a lower level of intimacy and passion than optimal, but you just adopted a baby and so, despite the change in love style, you are personally happy. Or your spouse just got a new job, so you understand why she is preoccupied and are happy being supportive during this change.   On the other hand, you could be experiencing a much lower level of intimacy and passion that has lasted a few years without a reasonable explanation. You’re married, but feel alone in your own home. As a result, you are personally very unhappy.

Third:  Identify the problem (even if it is you) and make changes. Make sincere attempts to reconcile differences and do all you know how to do to improve the relationship and prevent its failure. (Stay tuned for future blogs on this critically important step.)

Four: Revisit your satisfaction meter. Did your attempts to improve the relationship have a meaningful impact? Or does the relationship continue to cause you distress? Prevent you from growing? Demoralize you?

Five:  Decide and take deliberate action either way. If you are knowingly stuck in failed relationship, you are voluntarily choosing not to be as happy as you could be. And, be assured, you are selfishly keeping your spouse from being truly happy, as well. You’re both living the marriage equivalent of a glass half empty.  If you stay, know you have to commit to being  “all in”  or there is little chance you will restore the joy in your marriage or reach the red line on your own happiness meter.

This concludes our three-part “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” series. Please take the time to read all three posts and reflect carefully on the concepts and questions asked.  And, then decide what is best for you, your spouse, and your children, if you have them.

As you finalize  your decision, let me leave you with one of my favorite commentaries how to decide whether or not to end a marriage.  Leo Buscaglia penned it over 30 years ago, but it is timeless:

“The very measure of a good relationship is in how much it encourages optimal intellectual, emotional and spiritual growth. So, if a relationship becomes destructive, endangers our human dignity, prevents us from growing, continually depresses and demoralizes us — then, unless we are masochists and enjoy misery, we must eventually terminate it.  We are not for everyone and everyone is not for us.  The question is,  

“if we cannot be with another, can we at least not hurt them? Can we, at least, find a way to coexist?”

At Amity, we adopted a guiding philosophy of civility and a friendly approach to facilitating conversations that permeates our work. And we embrace an optimism about what people can do with and for each other, if they are simply willing to focus on finding solutions that are good for them AND for the others involved in their issues, especially children.  

We know that most couples and families truly value peaceful resolution of issues with as little hurt to those involved as possible.  We hope couples can stay together. But, our goal is to help people eliminate distress in their relationships and maintain peace, whether they stay together or not.

Our approach supports and guides individuals as they work to settle their differences and define for themselves the future of their relationships. If you are ready, share all of this with your spouse.   Then, start to Work it Out.

And, let me know if I can help.

Like our Facebook page to receive notices of future blog posts.

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Marriages have Love Styles. Some lead to fulfilling happy marriages.  Some lead to distress and divorce.   To understand these Marriage Love Styles, you have to first understand that love is an action word, not an emotion.  You and your spouse create patterns of action and inaction that constitute the character of your marriage and define the love you share.

This post is the second in a three-part weekly series focused on applying the concepts of intimacy, commitment and passion to decide whether or not you should initiate actions to rejuvenate your marriage or initiate actions to dissolve it.   The first post, Should I Stay or Should I Go? Part 1: Using a Love Triangle to Assess Your Relationship, introduced the concepts of intimacy, commitment, and passion, laying the ground work you need to assess your marriage.

Robert Sternberg used these concepts to articulate his powerfully descriptive Triangle Theory of Love, which illustrates 8 Love Styles. I expand his theory by using the three dimensions of love and the Love Styles as a guide for making decisions about marriage and divorce.

Let’s review the three dimensions of love that form the love triangle.

The Intimacy Dimension of Love represents the depth of the friendship you share with your spouse, how much you know about each other, support each other, and actually like each other.

The Commitment Dimension of Love represents the degree of dedication and/or obligation you feel toward your marriage, keeping in mind that dedication feels more voluntary to you than obligation, but they may look the same to others.

The Passion Dimension of Love represents the romantic affection you share with your spouse.  This romantic affection takes different forms, depending on age, physical capabilities, and length of relationship.  Nonetheless, physical passion remains an important dimension of marital love at all ages and stages of marriage.

For more detail and the questions that help you assess your own relationship, read the first post in the Should I Stay or Should I Go series.

The degree to which your marriage is characterized by Intimacy, Commitment, and Passion combine to illustrate your relationship’s Love Style.  In Western Culture, the ideal new marriage relationship has a Consummate Love style, which contains high levels of Intimacy, Commitment, and Passion.  Marriages that begin this way have the potential to be fulfilling, long-lasting relationships.

But, then life happens. The typical things: Kids, work obligations and stress, financial worries, no time or money for a date night, no time for your own interests.   Or more serious things: An illness, accident, or affair.

And, then, your ideal Consummate Love relationship changes.

For some, this evolution is a natural artifact of a maturing relationship.  Commitment remains.  But, intimacy and passion wane a bit while the couple works through the typical struggles associated with parenting, career building, and aging.  For others, the evolution results in a more dramatic change in their marriage relationship, represented by a substantial and distressing decrease in one or more of the love dimensions.

Review the Love Styles below, keeping in mind that each of the dimensions run along a continuum from low to high.  You can mark your level on a triangle, create your own unique marriage Love Style, and use the diagrams below to determine the Love Style that most closely matches your marriage.

Now, reflect back on your wedding day and the early stage of your marriage. What Love Style best characterized your marriage at that time?

What Love Style best characterizes your marriage now? (If you haven’t already done this, you can find the assessment questions here).

Then ask yourself:

Did your marriage begin as Consummate Love, with high levels of all three dimensions of love in operation? If not, why did you proceed with your marriage? Pregnancy?  Parental Pressure? All your friends were doing it?  What was your actual love style at the beginning of your marriage?

How has your marriage’s Love Style changed from the early days?

Did you move from Romantic Love to Consummate Love? ….which would likely mean your marriage is happier and more fulfilling than it was at the beginning, as it is for many couples?

Did you move from Consummate Love to Companionate Love?….which happens a lot to busy younger couples and also in mature marriages…..and indicates that you are married to your best friend, have enduring positive regard for one another, and enjoy sharing affection and regular sex, but not the intensely passionate “benefits” of the early days.

As explained in The Most Important F-word in Marriage May Surprise You, what allows married friends to remain happy through the inevitable ups and downs of marriage is that they treat each other as they would their best friend. They respectfully and directly address their solvable issues, seek to understand one another, and are willing to cooperate in having the difficult conversations needed to identify the hidden issues disguised by their conflicts.

Or, have you discovered that the degree to which your marriage includes one or two of these key dimensions is so low, that it actually seems completely missing? For example:

• Romantic Love is missing enduring commitment, but can still feel good in a marriage …for the moment. You are married to your lover, but he doesn’t do his part to uphold the daily commitments and obligations of your married life together. This is how serious dating relationships start…but a successful married life takes two people working together.
• Empty Love includes commitment, but is missing intimacy and passion. This is the most unfulfilling of all types of marital love and represents the difference between commitment and obligation. You and your spouse stay married, because you feel obligated, you see no viable financial alternative, or “for the children”. You’re married but you don’t share your thoughts and feelings and rarely, if ever, have sex. You stay married for all the wrong reasons and have likely been contemplating (or even plotting) divorce for quite some time.

Over the next week, keep thinking about the Intimacy, Commitment, and Passion dimensions of love.  Determine your Marriage’s Love Style. How does your Marriage Love Style impact your level of happiness?  Level of distress?  Check in next week to learn how you can put this assessment to use.

If you are ready, share your Love Style assessment with your spouse. Then, start to Work it Out.

And, let me know if I can help.

Like our Facebook page to receive notices of future blog posts, including Part Three of this three-part series.

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By  Jamie C.  Williamson, PhD

The most frequently asked question for me these days is “How do I know whether I should get divorced, or keep trying?” Sadly, many married people remain in this ambivalent “Should I Stay or Should I go” state for years.

During this time — which I call the Contemplative Phase of divorce – people go through the motions of their married life, but are not fully committed to investing in their marriage. It’s not rational, but to the person trying to figure out what to do, this state of ambivalence seems more comfortable (and preferable) than doing either the work needed to improve the marriage or mustering the courage to end it.

They just don’t know how to decide what to do. And, often they end up doing something to make their spouse miserable enough to initiate a divorce.

Problem solved, right? ……But, not really.

What if in the end, they figure out they didn’t really want a divorce? What if guilt haunts them because they know it is not appropriate or fair to make their spouse miserable so that they don’t have to take responsibility for their part of an unhappy marriage.

Don’t you just love third person pronouns? “They” might do this, but YOU wouldn’t….until you find your own confused, ambivalent, unhappy self wondering “should I stay or should I go”.

This post is the first in a three-part weekly series focused on applying the concepts of intimacy, commitment and passion to decide whether or not you should initiate actions to rejuvenate your marriage or initiate actions to dissolve it.

Robert Sternberg used these concepts to articulate his powerfully descriptive Triangle Theory of Love. I expand his theory by using the three dimensions of love as a guide for making decisions about marriage and divorce.

To get started, let’s examine the three dimensions of love that form the love triangle.

The Intimacy Dimension of Love represents the depth of the friendship you share with your spouse, how much you know about each other, support each other, and actually like each other.  Specifically, the Intimacy Dimensions emphasizes:

• Do you and your spouse share mutual support?
• Do you feel comfortable in your marriage relationship? Or do you feel alone in your own home?
• Can you and your spouse automatically count on each other in time of need?
• What is the breadth and depth of your communication with each other? Do you discuss a narrow or broad range of topics? Do you stay on safe, routine, task-oriented topics? Or do you talk about your feelings, ideas, hopes and dreams?
• Do you understand each other? Do you try to understand your spouse? Do you share enough so your spouse can truly understand you?
• Do you trust your spouse? Does your spouse trust you? Should your spouse trust you?

The Commitment Dimension of Love represents the degree of dedication and/or obligation you feel toward your marriage, keeping in mind that dedication feels more voluntary to you than obligation, but they may look the same to others. Specifically, the Commitment Dimension emphasizes:

• Do you have confidence in the stability of your marriage?
• To what degree are you committed to maintaining your marriage?
• How strong is your sense of responsibility to your spouse?
• Do you feel that your marriage is permanent, no matter what?
• Do you feel that getting married was a good decision?
• Do you devote ample time to your marriage?
• Do you make future plans for your marriage and family?
• Do you speak favorably about your spouse to your friends and family?

The Passion Dimension of Love represents the romantic affection you share with your spouse. This romantic affection takes different forms, depending on age, physical capabilities, and length of relationship. Nonetheless, physical passion remains an important dimension of marital love at all ages and stages of marriage. The Passion Dimension of Love emphasizes:

• Are you physically attracted to your partner? Is your partner physically attracted to you? Do you make an effort to be physically attractive to your partner?
• Do you want to be with your spouse sexually more than you want to be with anyone else?
• Do you feel that your partner is good sexually? Does your partner think you are good sexually?
• Does your partner stimulate you sexually?
• Are you and your spouse sexually close? Do you talk about your sexual relationship?
• When you talk about any difficulties in your sexual relationship, are you warm, compassionate, and supportive? Is your spouse?

If you are knowingly stuck in a state of ambivalence about your marriage, you are voluntarily choosing not to be as happy as you could be. And, be assured, you are keeping your spouse from being truly happy, as well. Unless you are “all in”, you condemn you and your spouse to the marriage equivalent of a glass half empty.

Over the next week, try thinking about the Intimacy, Commitment, and Passion dimensions of love. Rate your relationship on a scale of 1(low) to 10 (high) on each of the dimensions. And, check in next week to learn how you can put this assessment to use.

If you are ready, share the Intimacy, Commitment, and Passion questions with your spouse. Then, start to Work it Out.

Sign up to receive future blog posts, including Part Two of this three-part series.

And, let me know if I can help.