by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

A “friendly” divorce without lawyers could be right for you. If you have decided that getting a divorce is the best (and maybe only) option that will promote your future emotional and psychological well-being, and that of your spouse and children, your next step is to determine which of the four paths to a legal divorce is right for you and your circumstances.

To decide which path will serve you best, answer the following questions:

(1A) If you have children, what type of divorced parenting partnership is in the best interest of your children.  For most people, the answer to this question is either “Facilitating Friends” or “Accommodating Allies”, both of which involve high levels of goodwill and cooperative communication.  Read more about types of divorced Parenting Partnerships here.

(1B) If you don’t have children, would you and your spouse like to remain on friendly terms?

If you want a friendly divorce, you could select from among the Do It Yourself,  Pre-Suit Pro Se (without attorneys), or the Pre-Suit, with Attorneys.

(2) How complicated are your financial circumstances?

Do you have customary assets like a home, car, bank accounts, and retirement accounts, as well as typical liabilities like a mortgage, car payment, and credit card bills? Or are your finances more complicated, involving a family business, a trust, or a complex investment portfolio?

If you have simple finances and no children, the Do It Yourself may work for you. If you have children and simple/moderately complex assets and liabilities to equitably distribute, then you could choose between Pre-Suit Pro se (without attorneys), or Pre-Suit, with Attorneys. If you have a highly complex mix of assets and liabilities, you may best be served by an Attorney Driven divorce.

(3) What amount of family resources are you able or willing to invest in the divorce process?

The Do It Yourself divorce is the least expensive but comes with the need to complete complicated forms and work through emotional issues on your own.   If your finances are simple AND you and your spouse are detail-oriented, well organized, have a high level of goodwill for one another, and have excellent communication and conflict resolution skills, then the DYI option may work for you.

The Pre-Suit Pro Se path (a friendly divorce without lawyers) is also relatively inexpensive.  For example,  fees for a friendly, Pre-Suit, Pro Se divorce at Amity Mediation Workshop on Florida’s Emerald Coast range from $1,400 to $3,000, depending on the complexity of your assets and whether or not you have children.

For this moderate cost, in the Pre-Suit  Pro Se option, your mediator facilitates the emotional discussions and empowers you to reach mutual agreement on all of your current issues. The mediator also prepares your Marital Settlement Agreement, Parenting Plan, and Child Support Guidelines Worksheet.   Many mediators, like those at Amity Mediation Workshop, also include assistance with document preparation and Family Law Forms.  This type of one-stop-shop helps simplify and de-stress the divorce process.

The Pre-Suit with Attorneys path is more expensive than a divorce without lawyers, but also typically less expensive and less adversarial than an attorney-driven divorce.  Along this path to divorce, attorneys guide their clients’ decision making, but work in a collaborative manner with each other. The mediator works directly with the parties to help them resolve issues and create their Marital Settlement Agreement. The Attorney-Driven path to divorce is the most expensive and will vary by lawyer and region. According to Lawyers.Com, the average attorney fees for a divorce in Florida are $10,700, and the average total cost of a Florida divorce with attorneys is $13,500.   The costs range depending on whether or not children and complicated assets are involved, as well as how acrimonious and protracted the process becomes.

(4) How quickly would you like to complete the divorce process so you can start building a stable future for you and your children?

The DYI divorce could be the quickest, if you have limited/no assets, no children, no problem completing the forms, and high levels of goodwill and cooperation with one another.

The Pre-Suit Pro Se friendly divorce without lawyers typically involves a one-hour planning session and two weekly 2-to-3 hour mediation sessions.  This means that by utilizing a mediation practice like Amity Mediation Workshop you could resolve all of your issues and be ready to file for a non-contested divorce in about one month.

The Pre-Suit with Attorneys path stretches over a longer time period than the Pre Suit, Pro Se, in large part due to the attorneys’ scheduling and the time they need for advance consultation and preparation with their client.  Still, this path is much quicker than the Attorney Driven path.

The Attorney-Driven path to divorce takes the longest.  According to Lawyers.Com, the average duration of the attorney-driven divorce process in Florida is 15 months and ranges from 7 to 30 months, depending on attorney schedules, the complexity of the case, and the amount of acrimony that creeps into the process.

So you decide.

If you are like most (but certainly not all) people, a friendly divorce without lawyers may be your best option:

1. You want to remain friendly with your spouse, especially if you will continue being Parenting Partners.
2. You have typical assets and liabilities that can be equability distributed without complicated legal transactions.
3. You would rather reserve family resources so that you and your spouse have the money you need to start over and build a stable future for yourselves and your children.
4. You would rather move forward deliberately and begin building a happy, stable future rather than be stuck in limbo for a year or more rehashing the past.

At Amity, our guiding philosophy of civility and a friendly approach to facilitating conversations permeates our mediation work. And we embrace an optimism about what people can do with and for each other if they are simply willing to focus on finding solutions that are good for them AND for the others involved in their issues, especially children. 

We know that most couples and families truly value peaceful resolution of issues with as little hurt to those involved as possible.  We hope couples and families can stay together. But, our goal is to help people eliminate distress in their relationships and maintain peace, whether they stay together or not.

Our approach supports and guides individuals as they work to settle their differences and define for themselves the future of their relationships. If you have decided to divorce, share the Paths to Legal Divorce graphic with your spouse. Decide which option is best for you.  Then, start to Work it Out.

And, let me know if I can help.

P.S.   Deciding whether or not to get divorced is excruciatingly difficult. If you are struggling with that question, and need help working through the decision-making process, read my three-part series titled Should I Stay or Should I Go?

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

So, you’ve been thinking that if you made it through the seven-year-itch, a mid-life crisis (or two), and your kids’ teenage years, you’d be golden, right?

Probably…. but maybe not.

Although the divorce rate is declining for couples under 40, the divorce rate is on the rise for older adults. These days, one of every four divorces in the U.S. is a “gray divorce” – a divorce involving people over 50+ ending a long-term marriage.

According to the Pew Research Center, for adults 50 and older the divorce rate has roughly doubled since 1990 and for those 65 and older the divorce rate has nearly tripled. As a divorce and family mediator at Amity Mediation Workshop, I’ve gotten to know many “gray divorce” couples. They often seek a pre-suit, pro se divorce without lawyers because they want minimal drama, minimal expense, and minimal heartache for themselves and their partner, who they still care for deeply.

When the nest becomes empty, older couples with children often find they have very little in common. They focused on their children’s lives to the detriment of their marriage relationship and wake up one day realizing that they relate well together as Mom and Dad, but are not in tune with each other as Husband and Wife. For older couples without children, the similar realization that they are basically living like “roommates with benefits” is often delayed until they both retire.

Clearly, some long-term married couples seem immune to the dynamics of married life and steadfastly retain a healthy relationship throughout all the changes and challenges that naturally come to a long-term couple. Others experience the ups and downs and even consider divorce, but find a way to re-ignite the feelings that brought them together as a couple and they, too, stay together.

Still others look across the breakfast table at their spouse (who seems like a relative stranger) and think “how did this happen to us?”.

They aren’t angry. They are sad. They simply don’t want to live the next 20-30 years in an unsatisfying marriage that does not meet their emotional needs. With great reluctance, they conclude that divorce – and the fresh chance it offers – seems like the better option.

Stay Golden with These 4 Habits 

Protect your marriage against this “gray divorce” phenomenon by adopting these four habits that will to keep your marriage golden, even when you’re gray.

(1) Treat your marriage as the foundation of your family. If you allow your marriage relationship to erode in the early years, you, your spouse, and your children will feel insecure, unsettled, and tense. Without deliberate care and attention, a once intimate, loving marriage could become conflictual and distant. Even if this type of distressed marriage survives until children are launched or careers have ended, the kids will likely be troubled and the couple will likely opt for divorce as a relief from their unfulfilling relationship.

When it comes to family priorities, put marriage stability first, whether you are a family with children or without.

(2) Create a long-term goal and work toward it together. Young adult couples are less likely to divorce if they are well educated. So, it makes sense for you both to earn a degree or a trade specialization. Older adult couples, however, are less likely to divorce if they are financially secure. This means that unhappy older couples who can least afford to establish two households in their later years, are the ones most likely to separate.

This trend seems counter-intuitive at first. But, it makes sense when considering that financial security typically results from shared commitment to a long-rang plan. Unless one or both members of a couple come from wealth or receive a substantial inheritance, to achieve financial security they must define their financial goals and form a joint commitment toward them, whether the goal be home ownership, college funds, debt reduction, a beach house, a 5th wheel, or a dream retirement. Enthusiastically working toward shared goals like these requires constructive discussions about conflicting priorities. But, at the same time, establishing shared goals creates shared interests, a joint commitment, mutual respect for each other’s effort and contribution, and reasons to celebrate your success – all components of a satisfying marriage…all something worth striving for and holding on to.

(3) Be your best physical self. Contrary to popular belief, gray divorce is rarely connected to male sex enhancement drugs that allow men to satisfy younger women. But, this doesn’t mean that physical appearance isn’t important to physical intimacy for older husbands and wives. According to research conducted by Karl Pillemer, author of “30 Lessons for Loving: Advice from the Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships and Marriage”, taking care of your physical appearance is important to keeping sexual intimacy alive in your marriage.

Fortunately, satisfied older married couples don’t expect their partners to conform to an unrealistic, unnatural standard. Instead, they expect each other to show affection and make the most of what they’ve got. So, create and work toward a shared goal to stay fit and healthy, clean up each day even when you’re just hanging out at home, hold hands, kiss regularly, and every once in a while, share passion and physical pleasure any way you still can, whether that’s dancing on the kitchen floor, rolling like thunder under the covers…or anything in-between.

(4)  Be your partner’s best friend. A romantic spark ignites initial attraction and typically continues to burn through courtship and only the first few years of marriage. Couples who have shared interests and a true friendship are the ones most likely to stay married and thrive when that romantic flame becomes embers and then, eventually only fades.

The single most distinguishing characteristic between happy couples and distressed couples is that happy couples are more likely to be best friends and actually treat each other as best friends would.

These married friends truly enjoy each other’s company and embrace their partner’s interests. They routinely create opportunities to be together doing activities they both enjoy and alternate between each other’s favorite activities. So, if your husband loves to watch college football, get excited about the game. If your wife loves musicals, buy her a season pass to the local Broadway series. Take exercise walks. Ride bikes. Plan trips and travel together.

Do everything together? Of course not. But, develop some shared interests that you both enjoy, even if you must fake it at first.

To sustain a life-long marriage, show an interest in what interests your spouse and treat each other with mutual respect. When you are upset by something your spouse has done, focus on the friendship and not the incident. Talk to your spouse as you would your best friend. That is the single most important habit of couples who remain golden, even when they are gray.

So, the first moment you begin to feel alone in your own home…. or the next time you worry whether your marriage will last your lifetime, remember these four habits of couples who stay golden, even when they are gray. Ask yourself if you have adopted these habits. Then, share this post with your partner and focus on the changes you both need to make in order to stay golden and “Work it Out”.

Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation and Relationship Workshop, where we now offer psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses for couples who want to stay together and restore the warmth and friendship in their marriage.

We also conduct Divorce Mediation for couples who have decided that divorce is their best (and maybe only) option, but want an amicable process that allows them to remain friendly and avoid expensive litigation.

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

There are four signs that signal a progressive, downward relationship spiral leading to divorce.   But, you can learn to recognize these cautionary signals and take a detour that will put you back on the path to a long, satisfying marriage.

Which couple are you?

This week I met two young couples.  Both couples have been married for about four years.  Both couples are loving parents of a toddler.   Both parents in both couples are gainfully employed in professional jobs that provide health insurance and retirement benefits.  Both couples seem to “have it all”.

But yet, they are distressed.

Amy and Brian are heartbroken because no matter how hard they both try, they can’t seem to stop having the same fights over and over again.  In contrast, Lisa and Mike feel angry because they each see their marital problems as the other’s fault and they have given up trying to talk about it because talking just leads to another fight.

From the outside looking in, these couples seem similar. Both couples experience a lot of conflict and feel distressed.  But for Amy and Brian there is still a high likelihood that they can bring the joy back to their marriage if they quickly take steps to turn their relationship around.  For Lisa and Mike, the chances are slim because they’ve gone too far down the wrong road.

Four Signs You Could Be Headed for Divorce

1. You view your relationship problems as severe.  You started out as flovers (lovers who are also best friends).  But, now you notice that conflict is more frequent and has taken on a negative tone, especially for major issues that keep recurring.  This negativity then begins to bleed over into other aspects of your life, as well.  But, still you are turning toward each other to work things out.
2. Talking things over seems useless. You begin to blame the other for your relationship problems and your relationship talk is characterized by complaints, sarcasm, reciprocated negative feelings, and problem escalation or flooding the conversation with multiple criticisms.  You start to turn away from each other and try to solve the problems individually, rather than as a couple.
3. Spouses start leading parallel, but separate lives. To reduce conflict and tension, and to get some perspective on the relationship, spouses avoid talking about their relationship or issues other than those topics that surround their daily routines.  When other issues do come up, the intense conflict, criticism, and even contempt return.  So, you and your spouse begin to keep your distance and to live more like polite roommates than the intimate flovers you once were.
4. You feel alone in your own home. When communication is restricted to routine matters peppered with the inevitable eruptions of intense conflict, there is little intimacy exchanged between spouses.   You may go through the motions of your daily routine and family life, and may even continue to have sex.  But, your marital intimacy has been replaced, at best, by cordial indifference or, at worst, controlled hostility that lies barely under the surface and frequently erupts.

Where is the Point of No Return?

Couples like Amy and Brian can more easily reverse the downward trajectory because they noticed the first warning signs of relationship distress.  Either on their own, or with the help of a psycho-education course like “Let’s Stay Together”, they have a good chance of restoring the intimacy and happiness in their marriage.

Couples like Lisa and Mike, who continued to ignore the warning signs, have likely reached a “point of no return” or will have a rougher road back to each other than they would have if they had noticed the early warning signs that they were possibly headed to divorce.

If you’ve been seeing the early signs that you are on the road to divorce, try starting a conversation about how to become flovers again.

If you think you might have reached the “point of no return” in your marriage, try starting a civil conversation about your choices:  Are you both willing to try the rough road back to each other or, if not, can you dissolve your marriage amicably before you hurt each other and your children even more.  Granted…that’s a hard conversation to have.  But, I’ve seen couples who thought divorce was inevitable find their way back to each other.  And, ironically, I’ve also seen many miserable couples build a better life for themselves and their children through divorce.

Whether you are seeing the early warning signs or afraid you are reaching the point of no return, share this post with your spouse, start a conversation to discover the right road for you,  and work it out.

Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we (a) deliver our own “Let’s Stay Together – Marriage Refresher Course” – a private psycho-educational course delivered in a workshop-for-two format that serves couples who want to stay married, but also improve their relationship and (b) Divorce Mediation for couples that have decided to divorce but want to remain friendly and reach an agreement that serves the needs of all involved, especially the children.   If you aren’t sure, we can help you figure that out, too.

I’m a Gottman Leader authorized to deliver the Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work Couples Program and to use the Gottman Relationship Checkup when working with couples trying to decide if they have reached a “point of no return”.    I’ll help you work it out. 

If you liked this blog post, SIGN UP NOW for Dr. Jamie’s “Work it Out – Relationship Tips” emails packed with practical, helpful, and fun relationship guidance that you can use to make your relationships work. 

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by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Many people started out the New Year thinking about getting a divorce, even if they didn’t realize it at first.

People rarely include “get a divorce” on their list of resolutions. Instead, divorce becomes the unhappy (but necessary) by-product of resolutions like “This is the year I’m going to have the courage to change the things I can”…..  Or  “This is the year I’m going to start taking care of my own needs and quit trying to get my spouse to change”….Or “This is the year I’m going to stop playing these games and start a new  life — before it’s too late. ”  …or some other version of:  “This is the year I’m going to find a way to be happy”.

These are familiar resolutions, with the thought of divorce often hidden by the worthy intentions to make a better life. So, it follows that divorce filings peak during the post-holiday season, particularly in January and March.  The January spike derives from couples who do their best to get through the holidays for the children’s sake, and then act on their joint decision to divorce after the holidays.  The March uptick can be traced to individuals who decide they want a divorce before or during the holiday period but choose not to tell their spouse until after the holidays.

Sometimes, of course, people hang on to their last bit of optimism and believe that the holiday magic will rekindle their marriage flame. But, that rarely happens.  Instead, fake holiday warmth and cheer provides a stark contrast to true holiday joy.

And, by mid-January many distressed people decide to either stick with their resolve to take action or to resign themselves (and their spouse and children) to another game of charades or worse yet, family feud.

If you have resolved that “this is the year you create a better life for yourself and your family” you may have also reached the painful conclusion that getting a divorce is the best (and maybe only) option that will promote your future emotional and psychological well-being, and that of your spouse and children.

If so, your next step is to determine which of the four paths to a legal divorce is right for you and your circumstances: You can choose the Do it Yourself Divorce, the Pre-Suit Pro Se Divorce (with a mediator, but not attorneys), the Pre-Suit Divorce (with attorneys and a mediator), or the Attorney Driven Divorce.

To decide which path will serve you best, answer the following questions:

(1A) If you have children, what type of divorced parenting partnership is in the best interest of your children.  For most people, the answer to this question is either “Facilitating Friends” or “Accommodating Allies”, both of which involved high levels of good will and cooperative communication.  Read more about type of Divorced Parenting Partnerships here.

(1B) If you don’t have children, would you and your spouse like to remain on friendly terms?

If you want a friendly divorce, you could select from among the Do It Yourself, Pre-Suit Pro Se (without attorneys), or the Pre-Suit, with Attorneys.

(2) How complicated are your financial circumstances?

Do you have customary assets like a home, car, bank accounts, and retirement accounts, as well as typical liabilities like a mortgage, car payment, and credit card bills? Or are your finances more complicated, involving a family business, a trust, or a complex investment portfolio?

If you have simple finances and no children, the Do It Yourself may work for you. If you have children and simple/moderately complex assets and liabilities to equitably distribute, then you could choose between Pre-Suit Pro se (without attorneys), or Pre-Suit, with Attorneys. If you have a highly complex mix of assets and liabilities, you may best be served by an Attorney Driven divorce.

(3) What amount of family resources are you able or willing to invest in the divorce process?

The Do It Yourself divorce is the least expensive, but comes with the need to complete complicated forms and work through emotional issues on your own.   If your finances are simple AND you and your spouse are detail oriented, well organized, have a high level of good will for one another and excellent communication and conflict resolution skills, then the DYI option may work for you.

The Pre-Suit Pro Se path (a friendly divorce without lawyers) is also relatively inexpensive.  For example, Pre-Suit, Pro Se fees at Amity Mediation Workshop on Florida’s Emerald Coast range from $1,400 to $3,000, depending on the complexity of your assets and whether or not you have children. The fees may be even less if you qualify for the Court Sponsored mediation program.

For this moderate cost, in the Pre-Suit  Pro Se option your mediator facilitates the emotional discussions and empowers you to reach mutual agreement on all of your current issues. The mediator also prepares your Marital Settlement Agreement , Parenting Plan, and Child Support Guidelines Worksheet.   Many mediators, like those at Amity Mediation Workshop, also include assistance with document preparation and Family Law Forms.  This type of one-stop shop helps simplify and de-stress the divorce process.

The Pre-Suit with Attorneys path is more expensive than a divorce without lawyers, but also typically less expensive and less adversarial than an attorney driven divorce.  Along this path to divorce, attorneys guide their clients’ decision making, but work in a collaborative manner with each other. The mediator works directly with the parties to help them resolve issues and create their Marital Settlement Agreement.

The Attorney-Driven path to divorce is the most expensive and will vary by lawyer and region. According to Lawyers.Com , the average attorney fees for a divorce in Florida are $10,700 and the average total cost of a Florida divorce with attorneys $13,500.   The costs range depending on whether or not children and complicated assets are involved, as well as how acrimonious and protracted the process becomes.

(4) How quickly would you like to complete the divorce process so you can start building a stable future for you and your children?

The DYI divorce could be the quickest, if you have limited/no assets, no children, no problem completing the forms, and high levels of good will and cooperation with one another.

The Pre-Suite Pro Se friendly divorce without lawyers typically involves a one-hour planning session and two weekly 2-to-3 hour mediation sessions.  This means that by utilizing a mediation practice like Amity Mediation Workshop you could resolve all of your issues and be ready to file for a non-contested divorce in about one month.

The Pre-Suite with Attorneys path stretches over a longer time period than the Pre Suit, Pro Se, in large part due to the attorneys’ scheduling and the time they need for advance consultation and preparation with their client.  Still, this path is much quicker than the Attorney Driven path.

The Attorney-Driven path to divorce takes the longest.  According to Lawyers.Com, the average duration of the attorney-driven divorce process in Florida is 15 months and ranges from 7 to 30 months, depending on attorney schedules, the complexity of the case, and the amount of acrimony that creeps into the process.

So you decide.

If you are like most (but certainly not all) people, a Pre-Suit, Pro Se divorce may be your best option:

1. You want to remain friendly with your spouse, especially if you will continue being Parenting Partners.
2. You have typical assets and liabilities that can be equability distributed without complicated legal transactions.
3. You would rather reserve family resources so that you and your spouse have the money you need to start over and build a stable future for yourselves and your children.
4. You would rather move forward deliberately and begin building a happy, stable future rather than be stuck in limbo for a year or more rehashing the past.

At Amity, our guiding philosophy of civility and a friendly approach to facilitating conversations permeates our mediation work. And we embrace an optimism about what people can do with and for each other if they are simply willing to focus on finding solutions that are good for them AND for the others involved in their issues, especially children.  

We know that most couples and families truly value peaceful resolution of issues with as little hurt to those involved as possible.  We hope couples and families can stay together. But, our goal is to help people eliminate distress in their relationships and maintain at peace, whether they stay together or not.

Our approach supports and guides individuals as they work to settle their differences and define for themselves the future of their relationships. If you have decided to divorce, share the Paths to Legal Divorce graphic with your spouse. Decide which option is best for you.  Then, start to Work it Out.

And, let me know if I can help. You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop where we conduct Pre-Suit, Pro Se Divorces in an amicable environment.  Our approach to Divorce Mediation helps you to resolve your issues without another fight and to build a stable future for all involved, especially the children.

P.S.   Deciding whether or not to get divorced is excruciatingly difficult. If you are struggling with that question, and need help working through the decision-making process, read my three-part series titled Should I Stay or Should I Go?    And, let me know if I can help you and your spouse work through the decision together.

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Divorcing couples do move through predictable and understandable stages of divorce, each associated with different practical concerns, emotions, and typical behavior patterns.

But, divorce initiation often begins with a seemingly calm, barely detectable phase.   You have to pay close attention or it will catch you by surprise.

Most explanations of the phases of divorce ignore this all important first phase experienced by the person initiating the divorce.   Instead, the typical list of divorce phases focuses on the emotional phases experienced by the person responding to their spouse’s request for a divorce.

A common explanation of the stages of divorce characterizes the divorce as the “death” of the relationship and draws on Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s well known writing about the Stages of Grief to explain that people typically go through 5 stages of loss and recovery as a result of the divorce: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

You’ve likely read these models before.  And, because they can be useful when helping individuals understand their reactions to the divorce, I created and use one of these grief models, too.

My explanation of the phases of divorce includes the following 7 Stages of Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce.  (Notice this model focuses on the final outcome (recovery) not the initial feeling (grief).

Depicting the life-rebuilding process in linear stages can help people know what to expect to experience when they go through a divorce and it can help people understand their own and their partner’s feelings and behavior.  These stage models help people realize that they are experiencing a normal response to a major life-changing event.

Do people go through the stages sequentially? 

Not typically.  Individuals generally move through all of the Stages of Rebuilding After Divorce over time; but, during this challenging time of transition individuals often move in, out, and around the stages as they work toward the process of acceptance and rebuilding their lives.   If individuals get “stuck” in one of the stages, they can seek help from a therapist or family mediator in order to move beyond that stage.

Do spouses experiences the stages at the same time?

Not often.  Usually the initiating spouse is ready to divorce and the responding spouse is reluctant to give up on the marriage.  Some are unwilling to divorce unless forced to do so.

The responding spouse often perceives the initiating spouse as indifferent or unfeeling, with comments as “you don’t seem so sad….you don’t seem to care at all”.  And, in some cases that could be accurate.

More often, however, the initiating spouse has actually cautiously contemplated divorce for some time and, as such, worked through most of the initial emotional stages of divorce BEFORE overtly introducing the topic of divorce to the responding spouse.  This happens in the relatively calm, Contemplative Phase of divorce that often goes unnoticed by the responding spouse.  Yet, it also often leads to divorce initiation and engenders the emotional stages of divorce and rebuilding.

The Calm, Undetectable Contemplative Phase of Divorce

When basically well-adjusted people begin to think about divorce, they typically experience a great deal of cognitive dissonance associated with balancing their personal needs and desires with their competing desire to uphold their commitment to their spouse, their marriage, and for some, their children, as well.

So, they do a lot of thinking.   They have moved beyond denial and experienced anger and sadness.  They assess what they appreciate and dislike about their marriage, their spouse, and how their spouse treats them.  They consider whether or not they would be justified in ending the marriage.  They consider how life would actually be better (or worse) if they were divorced.

Paradoxically, when people truly begin to contemplate divorce, they often are on their best behavior.  They haven’t decided what they want and realize that in the end, they could decide they truly want to stay married.  So, they don’t want to initiate conflict or degrade the marriage relationship, and they don’t want to send the signal that they are contemplating divorce, in case they change their mind.

When an individual moves out of the Contemplative Phase of Divorce and actually introduces divorce as a topic of conversation, the responding spouse is often, understandably shocked.  After all, the initiating spouse seemed happy, they weren’t having much conflict, and their day-to-day routine was running smoothly.  The initiating spouses did a good job covering up while contemplating divorce.  But, this left the responding spouse with little reason to suspect that divorce was on the horizon.  In addition, the initiating spouse seems unfeeling or indifferent to the responding spouse because the initiating spouse has already worked through anger and sadness to determine, although reluctantly, that divorce is inevitable, perhaps even desirable under the circumstances.

Transformative divorce mediation can help the responding spouse understand the Contemplative Phase, reflect back on the initiating spouse’s behavior, and retrospectively recognize when their spouse moved through the initial emotional stages of divorce.  That realization makes it easier for the responding spouse to work cooperatively with the initiating spouse through the acceptance and rebuilding phase of life after divorce.

If you and your spouse are struggling with the emotional Stages of Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce, share this post and try to work it out.   You may want to consider transformative, divorce mediation that will help you remain amicable while you work through your issues and reach agreement on how you will build a stable, but separate future for yourselves.

If you think your spouse might be in the Contemplative Phase of Divorce, share this post as a way to initiate a conversation about whether or not you are both happy in your marriage.  You might be surprised how often, with an early intervention, couples can work it out.

Either way, let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we provide the “Lets Stay Together” Marriage Refresher Course for couples who want to try to make their marriage work again and Divorce Mediation for couples who have decided to divorce, but want to do so amicably.

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

If you have decided that getting a divorce is the best (and maybe only) option that will promote your future emotional and psychological well-being, and that of your spouse and children, your next step is to determine which of the four paths to a legal divorce is right for you and your circumstances.

To decide which path will serve you best, answer the following questions:

(1A) If you have children, what type of divorced parenting partnership is in the best interest of your children.  For most people, the answer to this question is either “Facilitating Friends” or “Accommodating Allies”, both of which involve high levels of good will and cooperative communication.  Read more about types of divorced Parenting Partnerships here.

(1B) If you don’t have children, would you and your spouse like to remain on friendly terms?

If you want a friendly divorce, you could select from among the Do It Yourself,  Pre-Suit Pro Se (without attorneys), or the Pre-Suit, with Attorneys.

(2) How complicated are your financial circumstances?

Do you have customary assets like a home, car, bank accounts, and retirement accounts, as well as typical liabilities like a mortgage, car payment, and credit card bills? Or are your finances more complicated, involving a family business, a trust, or a complex investment portfolio?

If you have simple finances and no children, the Do It Yourself may work for you. If you have children and simple/moderately complex assets and liabilities to equitably distribute, then you could choose between Pre-Suit Pro se (without attorneys), or Pre-Suit, with Attorneys. If you have a highly complex mix of assets and liabilities, you may best be served by an Attorney Driven divorce.

(3) What amount of family resources are you able or willing to invest in the divorce process?

The Do It Yourself divorce is the least expensive, but comes with the need to complete complicated forms and work through emotional issues on your own.   If your finances are simple AND you and your spouse are detail oriented, well organized, have a high level of good will for one another and excellent communication and conflict resolution skills, then the DYI option may work for you.

The Pre-Suit Pro Se path (a friendly divorce without lawyers) is also relatively inexpensive.  For example,  fees for a friendly, Pre-Suit, Pro Se divorce at Amity Mediation Workshop on Florida’s Emerald Coast range from $1,400 to $3,000, depending on the complexity of your assets and whether or not you have children.

For this moderate cost, in the Pre-Suit  Pro Se option your mediator facilitates the emotional discussions and empowers you to reach mutual agreement on all of your current issues. The mediator also prepares your Marital Settlement Agreement , Parenting Plan, and Child Support Guidelines Worksheet.   Many mediators, like those at Amity Mediation Workshop, also include assistance with document preparation and Family Law Forms.  This type of one-stop shop helps simplify and de-stress the divorce process.

The Pre-Suit with Attorneys path is more expensive than a divorce without lawyers, but also typically less expensive and less adversarial than an attorney driven divorce.  Along this path to divorce, attorneys guide their clients’ decision making, but work in a collaborative manner with each other. The mediator  works directly with the parties to help them resolve issues and create their Marital Settlement Agreement.

The Attorney-Driven path to divorce is the most expensive and will vary by lawyer and region. According to Lawyers.Com , the average attorney fees for a divorce in Florida are $10,700 and the average total cost of a Florida divorce with attorneys $13,500.   The costs range depending on whether or not children and complicated assets are involved, as well as how acrimonious and protracted the process becomes.

(4) How quickly would you like to complete the divorce process so you can start building a stable future for you and your children?

The DYI divorce could be the quickest, if you have limited/no assets, no children, no problem completing the forms, and high levels of good will and cooperation with one another.

The Pre-Suit Pro Se friendly divorce without lawyers typically involves a one-hour planning session and two weekly 2-to-3 hour mediation sessions.  This means that by utilizing a mediation practice like Amity Mediation Workshop you could resolve all of your issues and be ready to file for a non-contested divorce in about one month.

The Pre-Suit with Attorneys path stretches over a longer time period than the Pre Suit, Pro Se, in large part due to the attorneys’ scheduling and the time they need for advance consultation and preparation with their client.  Still, this path is much quicker than the Attorney Driven path.

The Attorney-Driven path to divorce takes the longest .  According to Lawyers.Com, the average duration of the attorney-driven divorce process in Florida is 15 months and ranges from 7 to 30 months, depending on attorney schedules, the complexity of the case, and the amount of acrimony that creeps into the process.

So you decide.

If you are like most (but certainly not all) people, a Friendly, Pre-Suit Pro Se divorce may be your best option:

1. You want to remain friendly with your spouse, especially if you will continue being Parenting Partners.
2. You have typical assets and liabilities that can be equability distributed without complicated legal transactions.
3. You would rather reserve family resources so that you and your spouse have the money you need to start over and build a stable future for yourselves and your children.
4. You would rather move forward deliberately and begin building a happy, stable future rather than be stuck in limbo for a year or more rehashing the past.

At Amity, our guiding philosophy of civility and a friendly approach to facilitating conversations permeates our mediation work. And we embrace an optimism about what people can do with and for each other if they are simply willing to focus on finding solutions that are good for them AND for the others involved in their issues, especially children.  

We know that most couples and families truly value peaceful resolution of issues with as little hurt to those involved as possible.  We hope couples and families can stay together. But, our goal is to help people eliminate distress in their relationships and maintain peace, whether they stay together or not.

Our approach supports and guides individuals as they work to settle their differences and define for themselves the future of their relationships. If you have decided to divorce, share the Paths to Legal Divorce graphic with your spouse. Decide which option is best for you.  Then, start to Work it Out.

And, let me know if I can help.

P.S.   Deciding whether or not to get divorced is excruciatingly difficult. If you are struggling with that question, and need help working through the decision-making process, read my three-part series titled Should I Stay or Should I Go?

By  Jamie C.  Williamson, PhD

The most frequently asked question for me these days is “How do I know whether I should get divorced, or keep trying?” Sadly, many married people remain in this ambivalent “Should I Stay or Should I go” state for years.

During this time — which I call the Contemplative Phase of divorce – people go through the motions of their married life, but are not fully committed to investing in their marriage. It’s not rational, but to the person trying to figure out what to do, this state of ambivalence seems more comfortable (and preferable) than doing either the work needed to improve the marriage or mustering the courage to end it.

They just don’t know how to decide what to do. And, often they end up doing something to make their spouse miserable enough to initiate a divorce.

Problem solved, right? ……But, not really.

What if in the end, they figure out they didn’t really want a divorce? What if guilt haunts them because they know it is not appropriate or fair to make their spouse miserable so that they don’t have to take responsibility for their part of an unhappy marriage.

Don’t you just love third person pronouns? “They” might do this, but YOU wouldn’t….until you find your own confused, ambivalent, unhappy self wondering “should I stay or should I go”.

This post is the first in a three-part weekly series focused on applying the concepts of intimacy, commitment and passion to decide whether or not you should initiate actions to rejuvenate your marriage or initiate actions to dissolve it.

Robert Sternberg used these concepts to articulate his powerfully descriptive Triangle Theory of Love. I expand his theory by using the three dimensions of love as a guide for making decisions about marriage and divorce.

To get started, let’s examine the three dimensions of love that form the love triangle.

The Intimacy Dimension of Love represents the depth of the friendship you share with your spouse, how much you know about each other, support each other, and actually like each other.  Specifically, the Intimacy Dimensions emphasizes:

• Do you and your spouse share mutual support?
• Do you feel comfortable in your marriage relationship? Or do you feel alone in your own home?
• Can you and your spouse automatically count on each other in time of need?
• What is the breadth and depth of your communication with each other? Do you discuss a narrow or broad range of topics? Do you stay on safe, routine, task-oriented topics? Or do you talk about your feelings, ideas, hopes and dreams?
• Do you understand each other? Do you try to understand your spouse? Do you share enough so your spouse can truly understand you?
• Do you trust your spouse? Does your spouse trust you? Should your spouse trust you?

The Commitment Dimension of Love represents the degree of dedication and/or obligation you feel toward your marriage, keeping in mind that dedication feels more voluntary to you than obligation, but they may look the same to others. Specifically, the Commitment Dimension emphasizes:

• Do you have confidence in the stability of your marriage?
• To what degree are you committed to maintaining your marriage?
• How strong is your sense of responsibility to your spouse?
• Do you feel that your marriage is permanent, no matter what?
• Do you feel that getting married was a good decision?
• Do you devote ample time to your marriage?
• Do you make future plans for your marriage and family?
• Do you speak favorably about your spouse to your friends and family?

The Passion Dimension of Love represents the romantic affection you share with your spouse. This romantic affection takes different forms, depending on age, physical capabilities, and length of relationship. Nonetheless, physical passion remains an important dimension of marital love at all ages and stages of marriage. The Passion Dimension of Love emphasizes:

• Are you physically attracted to your partner? Is your partner physically attracted to you? Do you make an effort to be physically attractive to your partner?
• Do you want to be with your spouse sexually more than you want to be with anyone else?
• Do you feel that your partner is good sexually? Does your partner think you are good sexually?
• Does your partner stimulate you sexually?
• Are you and your spouse sexually close? Do you talk about your sexual relationship?
• When you talk about any difficulties in your sexual relationship, are you warm, compassionate, and supportive? Is your spouse?

If you are knowingly stuck in a state of ambivalence about your marriage, you are voluntarily choosing not to be as happy as you could be. And, be assured, you are keeping your spouse from being truly happy, as well. Unless you are “all in”, you condemn you and your spouse to the marriage equivalent of a glass half empty.

Over the next week, try thinking about the Intimacy, Commitment, and Passion dimensions of love. Rate your relationship on a scale of 1(low) to 10 (high) on each of the dimensions. And, check in next week to learn how you can put this assessment to use.

If you are ready, share the Intimacy, Commitment, and Passion questions with your spouse. Then, start to Work it Out.

Sign up to receive future blog posts, including Part Two of this three-part series.

And, let me know if I can help.