By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Most couples know they are supposed to have a regular “Date Night”.

Unfortunately, along the way, they let familiar routines and their life partner/parenting roles overshadow their ongoing need for novel activities and their role as romantic partners.  They just can’t seem to have a night out that doesn’t involve talking about the kids, household tasks, scheduling logistics, and, worse yet, complaints about one another.

Still, most women and men alike, long to recapture the pre-marriage, mid-courtship “date-night feeling”.  They remember when their conversation was comfortable and captivating, their mutual attraction was electric and palatable, and the night was filled with the promise of deepening their intimacy and providing a delightful escape from their daily routines and stressors.

Never thought date night was so important.  Think again.

This longing to recreate date-night intimacy could be related to a primal urge for survival.  There is a well-documented connection between the support that comes from a well-functioning intimate relationship and the personal well-being of the relationship partners.  Intimate relationships buffer partners from the negative outcomes associated with the stress due to life events like pregnancy, the birth of a child, job loss, illness, retirement, and, of course, routine daily stressors, as well.

It’s not just that intimacy adds to a marriage.  Lack of marital intimacy and satisfaction actually causes harm to the marriage and the marital partners.  Marriages (and other similar relationships) that lack intimacy and closeness tend to be unsatisfying, unstable, and highly conflictual. These relationships are associated with an increased risk of distress, physical illness, and poor psychological adjustment.

So, institutionalizing “date night” is not only fun, it can protect your marriage from deterioration and it can keep you and your spouse healthy, happy, and able to manage your life stressors.

If you think you are too busy for date night, then, according to relationship experts John and Julie Gottman, “you’re too busy”. 

Follow these 6 Tips for Successful Date Nights

1. Make “Date Night” affordable. Don’t allow date night to add financial stress.  Decide how much you can budget for your weekly date nights.  Your budget will determine the frequency and location of your dates.  Most budgets don’t allow for a weekly night out at a special occasion restaurant.  But, most budgets do allow for a weekly Date-Night dinner, late-night dessert, or glass of wine at home and a once-a-month Date Night out at a favorite restaurant for dinner or dessert.  Or, if you prefer, a picnic at a picturesque spot.

2.  Decide when you will schedule Date Night. For at-home Date Nights, examine your weekly routine, and find the time when a Date Night activity at home can be added to the routine.  Do NOT let other activities get in the way of this intimate time together.  For monthly Date Nights out, set a routine night (e.g. the last Saturday of the month) and get it on the calendar.  Only make adjustments to your Date Night schedule for important events that cannot be scheduled on another day.

 Note:  Date Night may also be at lunch rather than dinner, depending on work and family schedules.  It’s the time for intimate conversation, not the time of day that matters.

3.  Decide who is in charge of planning  There are as many ways to divide the planning as there are types of marriages.  Here are some ideas to stimulate your thinking:

Planning monthly Date Night  

Work together to generate a list of restaurants that fit your budget and that you would both enjoy, then take turns picking a restaurant from the list and making the reservations, etc.  Be sure not to use this as a “gotcha” opportunity.  If you know your spouse is habitually forgetful about these kinds of things, then volunteer to be the one who always makes the reservation.  Or, if you have historically been forgetful about reservations, then you could use this as an opportunity to show your commitment to “date night”, your marriage, and your spouse.

When you generate the list of restaurants, also include other activities you could enjoy before or after dinner, such as a movie, a play, a concert, or a walk on the beach.   The secret is to always include a meal in a sit-down restaurant in order to create an atmosphere conducive to conversation.

Planning weekly Date Nights at home  

Generate a list of ideas that work for you, depending on the time of your Date Night (dinner, dessert, nightcap).  Then take turns executing your at-home date.  That is, take turns shopping for and making (or bringing in) dinner/dessert. Take turns setting the table or the cozy nightcap atmosphere.  Use the good dishes, play music, and, most importantly, turn off the television.  When it is your turn, avoid being too contrived, but do behave as if you have invited your spouse over to your place and take the lead, while allowing your spouse to help a bit.

Be sure not to use this as a “gotcha” opportunity.  If you know your spouse is habitually clumsy in the kitchen or very busy at a new job, let it be ok for him to bring in takeout.  You might volunteer to pick up something from the store or help a bit with the cooking.   And, if you’re the one known to stay out of the kitchen, then you could get out of your comfort zone and use this as an opportunity to show your commitment to “date night”, your marriage, and your spouse.

When you decide on the best format for your Date Night at home, be sure to make it doable, without much negative stress.  The point is to create a time for just the two of you to talk, relax, and show love and support for one another.

4.  Make a Special Effort to Get Ready for Date Night. It’s a date.  So, whether it is your at-home Date Night or your monthly Date Night out, invest some time in refreshing your personal appearance.  At home, take a few minutes to wash up, spruce up and present your best “at home, relaxed” self.  For going out, do a full date-night primp routine and have fun with it.

For example, have the husband get ready first, then he can take care of the dog, settle the kids, and/or go get the babysitter while the wife finishes getting ready, undisturbed.  You’ll be surprised how luxurious that can feel to a busy wife and how transformative it can be for her.  Whatever your relationship configuration, make sure Date Night preparation adds anticipation, not anxiety to your date.

5. Turn off your cell phone during Date Night. (except maybe to have the waiter take your picture).   If you have small children and are truly (not artificially) worried about your babysitter being able to contact you, then put your phone on Do Not Disturb and only let the babysitter call come through.  I repeat:  Turn off your cell phone during Date Night.

6. The most important tip of all is to plan your Date Night conversation. If you want to avoid slipping into a night of talk about the kid’s antics, the household chores, and other logistics, you must have conversational starters at the ready.  You also need to be adept at gently changing the subject when your spouse starts talking about laundry, carpooling, home maintenance, or grocery lists.

So, make a list.  And, yes, write it down.  Write it down and then either commit it to memory or have a cheat sheet in your pocket.  (You can’t put your list in your phone, because your phone is off, remember?)   You’ll find a full dinner’s worth of conversational ideas here.

After a while, inventive Date Night conversation will come more naturally.

Bottom line:  If you want to start dating your spouse….that is,  if you want to improve the level of intimacy in your marriage, then share this post with your spouse.  Talk about the importance of instituting or enhancing your Date Nights plans, and work it out.

And, Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop where we facilitate divorce, family, and civil mediation. We also use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative, psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses for groups or individual couples who want to stay married, restore the joy in their marriage, and keep date nights going forever!  We call this class “Let’s Stay Together!”

By  Jamie C. Williamson, Ph

Spring symbolizes rebirth and reminds us of the opportunity to refresh and renew our lives and improve our relationships.  These 3 R’s guide the relationship improvement process.

If couples don’t get too caught up in “making” themselves seem happy, they can use these longer spring days to relax and reflect on how to refresh their daily priorities, renew their relationships, and let their  “happy”  bloom naturally.

The 3 R’s of Relationship Improvement

Despite what you may think, people don’t really learn from experience. Instead, we learn from reflecting on our experience. And, the same goes for couples, too.

Think about it.   Unless they reflect on their experiences, couples just rehash the same arguments and make the same mistakes over and over again.

To renew their relationship, couples have to truly think about how their life could flow more easily and be filled with the simple pleasures that constitute true happiness, not the manufactured kind. This type of reflection usually begins with one person, who later shares it with the other.

So, this spring try to capture some private time for yourself so that you can truly reflect on your relationship. Does your marriage seem routine?  Does your spouse seem like your roommate and not your best friend and the love of your life?  Do you fight about things that don’t really matter and avoid talking about the things that do?  Have you let the kids’ activities monopolize all your discretionary time?  Have you let your own interests take away from the time you could (and probably should) be spending with your partner?  Have you let financial concerns keep you from finding creative ways to bring simple joys into your relationship?

In order to to let your “happy” bloom naturally again, you first have to identify the patterns you would like to improve.  So whatever life stage or circumstance you are in, think honestly about what small changes would make a big difference, and keep in mind, that it might be YOUR approach that needs to change.

Once you have identified the existing patterns that interfere with the easy flow of happiness in your relationships, select the one non-threatening pattern that you believe — if changed — would bring a sense of renewal to the daily life of your relationship.  Later, you can address the other issues you identified.

Make one change at a time, because the increased happiness you feel from the first change, makes subsequent changes easier to implement.

Begin to change the interfering pattern by refreshing the way you and your spouse/partner approach the issue involved. This will, of course, require you to disclose what you’ve been thinking about to your partner.

The trick is to initiate the conversation with what’s called a “soft start-up”.  A “soft start-up” addresses the issue directly and head-on, but does NOT include criticism or blame. Begin with an “I” statement and say, for example, “Things are so hectic for us these days, I really miss having time to just hang out with you.  Will you help me figure out some small changes we could make in our routines so that there is more time for us to just be together?”

This refreshed approach will not work if your partner feels blamed for your discontent. Be sure to use the soft start-up and take the time needed to create a safe conversational zone. Then, don’t be surprised if you learn that your partner has been feeling the same way.

When couples refresh their approach to managing the daily patterns in their lives, they are able to reprioritize the allocation of their time, energy, and finances; recapture time to invest in their relationship; and, create a sense of renewal and base-line happiness in their relationship.  When this happens, couples don’t even think about how to make happiness, it just blooms naturally, like spring, every day.

So, share this post with your partner, grab some couple time, and brush up on the 3 R’s that let happy relationships bloom naturally.

And, Let me know if I can help.

 You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we facilitate divorce, family, and civil mediations.  We also are authorized to use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative, psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses  with our clients who want to stay together, but restore the joy in their marriage.

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

The secret to long-lasting romance in marriage is simple, inexpensive, and fool proof.

You’ve probably figured out that it isn’t a candlelit dinner on your anniversary or the obligatory sex that followed.  And, unless you learn this one simple secret it won’t be your long-anticipated romantic get-away either.

Events designed to be romantic flop when you aren’t already lovingly connected to your partner. Instead of helping you reconnect, the contrived candlelit dinner becomes a struggle for conversation topics and that romantic “get-away” reveals that you don’t really know what you enjoy doing together anymore. The empty feeling and disappointment these realizations produce lead, at best, to awkward silences and, at worst, to frustration, angry accusations, and harsh criticism. Either way, they don’t enhance that loving feeling.  You can’t purchase togetherness.

So, how do you prime your marriage for romance and lasting love?  

You do small things often. You turn to each other in little ways, every day.

According to Dr. John Gottman, it’s that simple. In The Relationship Cure, Gottman explains that small, intentional moments of kindness and connection have a more positive impact on creating and sustaining marital romance than isolated, grand gestures.

These small loving actions also speak louder than words, when it comes to making your partner feel loved.   In a 2017 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Saeideh Heshmati and his Penn State colleagues found an American cultural consensus that showing compassion and displaying affection (e.g. snuggling) on a daily basis rank higher on the list of what makes people feel loved then typical romantic scenarios or grand verbal declarations of love.

Ready to put this one simple action to the test?  Every day, just try another small way of turning toward your spouse, instead of away. For example:

Pay attention and respond with interest.

Notice when your partner subtly asks for your attention, affection, or support and give it. Look at the hummingbird and comment on it when she calls it to your attention. Take his side when he shares a work concern. Show that you are glad (really glad) to see your partner at the end of the day. Respond with curiosity when your partner talks about family, friends, and other interests. Theses mundane moments of connection truly matter.

When you don’t have time to respond, express regret and take the time to explain.  Don’t say “I don’t have time”. Instead, say you wish you had time, clarify why you don’t have time, and set up a plan to talk about it “when I get home tonight” or “after the kids are in bed” or “when I get home from my meeting”.

Voluntarily (and routinely) take action to support and connect with your partner.

Fold the laundry or take out the garbage, when it’s not your turn. Run errands for each other. Make dinner together. Pay the bills together. Plan and host a dinner for friends together. Share each other’s burdens and you become more interdependent. Support each other’s contributions and you create a shared sense of purpose. These small, day-to-day gestures go a long way toward deepening your marital connection, helping your partner feel loved, and prime you for marital romance.

Look for small ways to send messages of love.

Send a text message of encouragement when you know your partner has a presentation, an important meeting, or a long day. Send heart emojis when you text the grocery list.  Pack a love note in your partner’s suitcase, briefcase or lunch box. These notes don’t have to be poetic, or long, or even include words at all. Put on lipstick, kiss a napkin, and tuck it in the bag. Draw a heart on a post-it and leave it on your partner’s windshield or sitck it on the bathroom mirror. These small, from-the-heart expressions of love and support send consistently authentic messages of love and so they mean much more than a once-a-year candlelit dinner or perfunctory bouquet of roses on special occasions.

How does this one simple action create more romance in your marriage?

If you’re like most people, you are surprised that the single most essential action that grounds your marital stability and contributes to your on-going romance is the simple act of turning toward your spouse in many small, routine ways every day.

It works because these gestures solidify your marital connection and promote positive feelings that will sustain your marriage during stressful times and grow the loving feeling of togetherness you share.

Take this loving connection and your positive feelings out to a candlelit dinner or on vacation, and the romantic spark you’re hoping for will ignite. But, chances are, if you adopt this one simple action – and turn towards your spouse in small ways every day – you won’t need expensive dinners or exotic vacations to stir up romance. You’ll have that at home every day.

If you engage in these small gestures every day, you’ll be going on date nights or vacation to enjoy each other. Not to save your marriage.

How do you begin turning toward each other?

If you want to strengthen your relationship and create more romance in your marriage, share this post with your partner. Then, start a conversation about the importance of being truly engaged in your routine interactions. Discuss the value of tuning into each other’s daily needs for attention, support, and encouragement. And, then imagine the difference that doing “small things often” can make in your feelings toward each other and the quality of your life together. Do your best to “work it out”.

Let me know if I can help.

 You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we facilitate divorce, family and civil mediations.  We also are authorized to use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative Let’s Stay Together private workshop sessions with our client who want to stay together, but refresh and restore the joy in their marriage.

Sign UpNow  to receive Dr.  Jamie’s “Work it Out – Relationship Tips”  emails packed with practical, helpful, and fun relationship improvement tips.

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By Jamie C Williamson, PhD

I’ve been working with couples who resolved to make one final effort to restore the happiness in their marriage. They sincerely want to try, but also don’t want to prolong the pain or keep rehashing the same tired arguments.

So, they begin by asking “How do we know if it is too late for us to save our marriage?”

That question can’t be answered in generalities because the “too late” threshold varies depending on the DNA of each individual marriage. But, certain types of negative interactions produce telltale signs that a couple is headed for relationship demise. These negative patterns are so toxic that they can (and often do) destroy a relationship.

John Gottman refers to these negative interactions as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. The worst of these is contempt.

Are these toxic interactions present in your marriage?

1. Criticism

Criticism is best understood when compared to a complaint. Complaints address a specific behavior, while criticism attacks a person’s character or personality.

Complaint: “I’m glad you’re home. But, the last hour has been hard on me. I get scared when you’re running late and don’t let me know. Can we agree that we won’t do that to each other?”

Criticism: “Well, you’re finally home…an hour late. You do your job. But, you can’t even show me the courtesy you would show one of your customers if you were running late. You’re selfish, self-centered, and never think of me.”

Don’t worry too much if this example of criticism strikes a familiar tone for you. A smattering of critical exchanges is common in marital relationships. But, criticism does leave your partner feeling rejected and hurt, which easily leads to a reciprocal negative response and the possibility of increased frequency of criticism between the two of you. And, if criticism becomes pervasive, it leads to other more toxic negative interaction patterns.

If you find that you and your spouse are starting to be more critical of each other, do the relationship work required to assess the source of your critical interactions and make the changes needed to reverse the negativity in your tone.

2. Contempt

Contempt is criticism on steroids. Contemptuous comments convey disgust and are truly mean. People who communicate with contempt treat their partner with disrespect and mock their partner with sarcasm, hostile joking, name-calling, or mimicking. These verbal insults are often accompanied by eye-rolling and sneering.

Contempt grows out of long-simmering negative thoughts about your partner, which often result from unresolved conflict.  What starts out as a simple complaint, sometimes repeatedly recurs and evolves into criticism. If the issue continues to surface and remain unresolved, partners get fed up. These feelings can fester and grow into generalized contempt – which shows up as an aggressive attack from a sense of superiority, with the purpose to demean the accused person.

Contempt: “Welcome home Hot Shot! You’re so important that you don’t have to follow the rules. You work late, hit happy hour after, and leave your family wondering if you’re dead or alive. What kind of example are you setting for our boys? You want them to think that this is how a “real man” treats his wife and family? I could use a “real man” around here.”

Contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. According to Gottman, it must be eliminated if a couple wants to avoid divorce.

3. Defensiveness

Defensiveness is a common response during conflict, particularly when people feel unjustly accused or when they want to provide an explanation or excuse for their behavior. Unfortunately, defensiveness rarely leads to conflict resolution because, rather than acknowledging that your spouse has a legitimate complaint, defensiveness devalues your spouse’s concern and shifts the blame to your spouse, as well.

Defensiveness: “You know I’m crazy busy. I didn’t text because you’re always on me not to text and drive. And, I didn’t call because I’d just get voice mail – you’re always “too busy” to answer my calls.”

This defensive response shifts the blame to the wife and will likely escalate, rather than defuse the conflict. On the other hand, a non-defensive response shows respect for the wife’s concerns and will likely quell the conflict.

Non-defensive Response: “Sweetheart, I’m so sorry. You are right. I should have texted as soon as I realized I was going to be late. I love that you worry about me, but you shouldn’t have to. I know this isn’t the first time and I promise I’ll do better.”

People often react defensively when they feel challenged or threatened. Keep in mind that
a soft complaint is more likely to produce a non-defensive response while harsh criticism is more likely to produce a defensive response and a negative spiral of more criticism and defensiveness.

If your spouse reacts defensively to what you meant as a complaint, your spouse probably heard the complaint as criticism. If this starts happening regularly in your relationship and you know there are outside pressures affecting one or both of you, just try to be patient and forgiving with one another. If there is no outside stressor affecting you or your spouse’s reactions to each other, then defensive reactions to a simple criticism could be a signal that the criticism is not as soft as you think or that there is an unresolved issue festering between the two of you. Try softening your criticism. If that doesn’t work, figure out what the issue is, and don’t let it fester too long.

4. Stonewalling

Stonewalling involves a lack of responsiveness designed to avoid repeated conflict and negative interactions. Rather than confront an issue or respond to their partner’s concerns, people who stonewall withdraw from interactions by tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or otherwise disengaging in the conflict.

Stonewalling rarely occurs in the early stages of a marriage. Instead, stonewalling emerges after criticism, contempt, and defensiveness become overwhelmingly negative enough to make stonewalling an understandable response. Once stonewalling emerges as a strategy to escape feeling flooded by negativity, it often becomes a self-protective habit that leads to emotional disengagement from the relationship.

Ironically, the more one spouse stonewalls in an effort to protect themselves against turbulent criticism and contempt, the more hostile the critical spouse becomes. When one spouse shuts down, the other becomes frustrated and tries even harder to be heard.

If they reach this stage, some couples start living lonely, parallel lives characterized by emotional indifference, peppered with occasional bouts of toxic negativity. Others experience a fiery meltdown and then divorce.  Hard to say which is more painful.

So, is it too late to save your marriage?

Think about the recent times you and your spouse had a disagreement. Did any of the Four Horsemen show their ugly heads?

Recognizing criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling is the first step toward eliminating them. But, to remove these negative communication patterns from your marriage you must learn and adopt new, productive communication patterns to use instead.

To get started, share this post with your spouse and have a calm, non-judgmental conversation about the lethal effect that criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling will have on your marriage if left unchecked. As you can see from this explanation, it takes two to create toxic communication patterns. It’s not about blame. Accept your part of the responsibility so your spouse will be more likely to do the same. Make a meaningful effort to “work it out”.

And, let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we are now authorized to use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses for couples who want to stay together and restore the warmth and friendship in their marriage.

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

There are four signs that signal a progressive, downward relationship spiral leading to divorce.   But, you can learn to recognize these cautionary signals and take a detour that will put you back on the path to a long, satisfying marriage.

Which couple are you?

This week I met two young couples.  Both couples have been married for about four years.  Both couples are loving parents of a toddler.   Both parents in both couples are gainfully employed in professional jobs that provide health insurance and retirement benefits.  Both couples seem to “have it all”.

But yet, they are distressed.

Amy and Brian are heartbroken because no matter how hard they both try, they can’t seem to stop having the same fights over and over again.  In contrast, Lisa and Mike feel angry because they each see their marital problems as the other’s fault and they have given up trying to talk about it because talking just leads to another fight.

From the outside looking in, these couples seem similar. Both couples experience a lot of conflict and feel distressed.  But for Amy and Brian there is still a high likelihood that they can bring the joy back to their marriage if they quickly take steps to turn their relationship around.  For Lisa and Mike, the chances are slim because they’ve gone too far down the wrong road.

Four Signs You Could Be Headed for Divorce

1. You view your relationship problems as severe.  You started out as flovers (lovers who are also best friends).  But, now you notice that conflict is more frequent and has taken on a negative tone, especially for major issues that keep recurring.  This negativity then begins to bleed over into other aspects of your life, as well.  But, still you are turning toward each other to work things out.
2. Talking things over seems useless. You begin to blame the other for your relationship problems and your relationship talk is characterized by complaints, sarcasm, reciprocated negative feelings, and problem escalation or flooding the conversation with multiple criticisms.  You start to turn away from each other and try to solve the problems individually, rather than as a couple.
3. Spouses start leading parallel, but separate lives. To reduce conflict and tension, and to get some perspective on the relationship, spouses avoid talking about their relationship or issues other than those topics that surround their daily routines.  When other issues do come up, the intense conflict, criticism, and even contempt return.  So, you and your spouse begin to keep your distance and to live more like polite roommates than the intimate flovers you once were.
4. You feel alone in your own home. When communication is restricted to routine matters peppered with the inevitable eruptions of intense conflict, there is little intimacy exchanged between spouses.   You may go through the motions of your daily routine and family life, and may even continue to have sex.  But, your marital intimacy has been replaced, at best, by cordial indifference or, at worst, controlled hostility that lies barely under the surface and frequently erupts.

Where is the Point of No Return?

Couples like Amy and Brian can more easily reverse the downward trajectory because they noticed the first warning signs of relationship distress.  Either on their own, or with the help of a psycho-education course like “Let’s Stay Together”, they have a good chance of restoring the intimacy and happiness in their marriage.

Couples like Lisa and Mike, who continued to ignore the warning signs, have likely reached a “point of no return” or will have a rougher road back to each other than they would have if they had noticed the early warning signs that they were possibly headed to divorce.

If you’ve been seeing the early signs that you are on the road to divorce, try starting a conversation about how to become flovers again.

If you think you might have reached the “point of no return” in your marriage, try starting a civil conversation about your choices:  Are you both willing to try the rough road back to each other or, if not, can you dissolve your marriage amicably before you hurt each other and your children even more.  Granted…that’s a hard conversation to have.  But, I’ve seen couples who thought divorce was inevitable find their way back to each other.  And, ironically, I’ve also seen many miserable couples build a better life for themselves and their children through divorce.

Whether you are seeing the early warning signs or afraid you are reaching the point of no return, share this post with your spouse, start a conversation to discover the right road for you,  and work it out.

Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we (a) deliver our own “Let’s Stay Together – Marriage Refresher Course” – a private psycho-educational course delivered in a workshop-for-two format that serves couples who want to stay married, but also improve their relationship and (b) Divorce Mediation for couples that have decided to divorce but want to remain friendly and reach an agreement that serves the needs of all involved, especially the children.   If you aren’t sure, we can help you figure that out, too.

I’m a Gottman Leader authorized to deliver the Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work Couples Program and to use the Gottman Relationship Checkup when working with couples trying to decide if they have reached a “point of no return”.    I’ll help you work it out. 

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