By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

You can be “right”, or you can stay happily married.

That doesn’t mean you must be a doormat if you want to stay happily married. 

Instead, you can accept that there is no objective reality in a relationship.  There are two subjective realities – in your reality, you’re right and in your partner’s reality, they’re right.

To stay happily married, you need to find a solution that works for both of you.  You can do that by following my Home Team Approach to resolving conflict.  

People who care more about winning an argument and being “right” than they do about repairing their relationship, often end up divorced.  Because if one person is winning, the other person is losing, and that means a loss for the home team. 

Consider these common conflict examples:

Example #1: Who Started It?

Jason and Ashley are eating at the bar of their favorite local restaurant. Jason is flirting with a female acquaintance next to him and Ashley is talking to her sister on her phone.  Once their food arrived, they turned toward each other. After their initial harsh “I can’t believe you…” comments they barely spoke until they got into the car and their “who started it” fight broke out.

Ashley argued that Jason started it. She would not have called her sister if he had not been flirting.

Jason argued that Ashley started it. He only flirted because she was on the phone.

They will never be able to agree on who is right in this circular conflict.  And, to stay happily married, they shouldn’t even try.

Relationship communication is a series of continuous transactions. There is no clearly identifiable beginning or ending to any communication episode.  When people think back over a stream of communication, they “punctuate” it by breaking the episode into smaller segments and labeling some of the segments causes and the other effects. 

Punctuation allows people to identify the beginning and end of a communication event as a convenient way to understand and/or explain what happened first, second, and so on.

 And people punctuate interaction in self-serving ways that reflect better on themselves and are consistent with their self-image.

The Home Team Approach to Conflict Resolution

Jason and Ashley could settle this issue by following the Four Steps in the Home Team Approach:

• Internally accept that they both experienced the event differently.
• Validate the other’s reality.
• Acknowledge their own role in what went wrong and apologize.
• Commit to not letting something similar happen again.

Ashley: You must have felt so left out.  I was having such a good conversation with my sister that I didn’t realize how rude I was being to you. I’m so sorry.

Jason: You must have felt like I was trying to make you jealous.  I just hadn’t seen her in a while and wanted to catch up. I didn’t think about how it might look to you. I’m sorry, too.

Ashley: Well, what a waste of a date night for us.  We know better.

Jason:   Let’s never let it happen again.

Example #2: No, you didn’t.  Yes, I did.

Gabe and Maria drove separate cars to their cabin in North Georgia. Maria asked Gabe to stay close because she was nervous about driving through Atlanta at night. Gabe promised he would. Gabe led and kept Maria’s car in his rearview.  But when he moved across lanes a car often got in between them. Maria felt panicky because she had difficulty identifying Gabe’s car in the dark.

When they arrived, Maria initiated a fight, accusing Gabe of breaking his promise and making her feel unsafe. Gabe said she was being dramatic. He did not break his promise. He stayed close and could see her car the whole time. They replayed this “no, you didn’t, yes, I did” argument the entire weekend.

The Home Team Approach Alternative

Gabe: You must have been nervous.  I didn’t realize that you couldn’t identify my car among the others at night.  I’m so sorry.  I always want you to know that I’m looking out for you.

Maria: No wonder you think I’m overreaching. I didn’t realize you had your eye on me the whole time.  Instead of fuming, I should have called to say I couldn’t find you in the traffic. 

Gabe: I should have done more to ensure no cars were between us.

Maria: Let’s not waste another minute of our weekend on this. We’ll do better next time.

People who care more about winning an argument and being “right” than they do about repairing their relationship, often end up divorced.   Because if one person is winning, the other person is losing, and, that means a loss for the home team. 

If you can remember that you and your spouse are on the same team, you’ll worry less about being “right” and winning an argument.   If you can accept that in relationships there is no objective “right” or “wrong”,  you can learn to maximize your home team advantage by following my Home Team Approach to conflict resolution. And, you can stay happily married for a lifetime.

Let me know how I can help.

Jamie C. Williamson, PhD is a Florida Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and member of the Gottman Referral Network of relationship professionals. You’ll find her at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we specialize in “friendly divorce” mediation and use the Gottman Method in our psycho-educational “Let’s Stay Together”  counseling programs and workshops, designed for couples who want to restore or enhance their marital happiness.  Dr. Jamie also speaks frequently on relationship topics and authors the relationship blog  “Work it Out”.

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Most marital conflict is unsolvable.  In fact, according to renowned relationship researcher John Gottman, 69% of marital conflicts are perpetual problems that couples will never resolve. Only 31% of the problems in marriage are solvable. This is true for both happy couples and unhappy couples.

So, it is not the presence of on-going problems that makes couples unhappy.  It is the way the couples talk about perpetual problems that distinguishes between happy and distressed couples.  Happy couples learn to cope with perpetual problems rather than let the on-going issues infect their relationship.  Distressed couples rehash the same issue over and over again and allow those conflicts to erode their relationship.

This does not mean that couples should ignore or avoid perpetual problems. Ignoring the issues will not make them go away.  If the issue is important, pretending that it doesn’t matter will eventually create emotional distance between you and your partner, lead to resentment, and begin to negatively impact your entire relationship.

The good news is that most couples can learn to manage their perpetual problems once they recognize them as unresolvable on-going issues that they need to cope with rather than situational conflicts that can be resolved.

So, what’s the difference between Solvable Problems and unsolvable, Perpetual Problems?

In the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman explains that Solvable Problems are situational and tied to specific circumstances where a solution to the problem is possible.  Once the problem is resolved, couples can move on and not have to address it again.  In contrast, Perpetual Problems are on-going because they are rooted in differences in personality, beliefs, values, and hidden feelings.

Examples of perpetual, unsolvable problems include:

• One person is neat, the other is messy.
• One person is a spender, the other a saver
• One person is punctual, the other typically runs late
• One person wants to spend more time with friends, the other wants more couple time.

How do couples cope with Perpetual Problems?

First, accept the fact that problems, differences of opinion, and mismatched expectations are normal and inevitable in couple relationships. This realization helps couples keep the issue in perspective, rather than blow it out of proportion.

Second, look for the hidden feelings behind your partner’s behavior or point of view.  For example, if Tyler routinely fails to help with the housework, Maria might feel abandon – left on her own to take care of their home, like her single Mother was.  When Maria complains to Tyler about his laziness or lack of support, he might feel like she is trying to control him, which makes him feel like a scolded child instead of the man of the house.  

Third, have a conversation (not a fight) about the issue.  Pick the right time, the right place, and start with soft, respectful tone. Ask your partner to please listen because this is important to you. Speak honestly about your position and what it means to you. Describe your feelings and where they come from. Discuss your position and explanation for it, without criticizing your partner or blaming your partner for your feelings.

If you are the listener, seek to understand your partner rather than think about your rebuttal. Encourage your partner to explore his/her feelings and preferences. Do not evaluate your partners’ feelings and desires or mention any reason why they are impractical or unimportant.  Show empathy and truly try to understand. Then, switch roles so that the listener now describes his/her position and the feelings behind it.

Fourth, use your new understanding to find ways to cope with the issue with respect, cooperation, and humor.  In the Tyler-Maria example, this might include jointly making a list of the chores that need to be done over the weekend. Divide the chores and agree to do those allocated to you. Praise each other for what got done. Tease each other about what didn’t get done. And, set another deadline for what didn’t get done.  Do not do each other’s chores unless the other sincerely requests help due to unexpected circumstances.

If you can follow this approach to coping with inevitable Perpetual Problems you will be much more likely to retain (or regain) and stable, happy marriage.

Let me know if I can help.  

Want to talk about it?

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, LLC, where we specialize in “friendly divorce” mediation and marriage revitalization sessions and programs using a practical, psycho-educational approach grounded in the Gottman Method.  I also speak frequently on relationship topics and author the blog “Work it Out”.   

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

I’ve said it a thousand times, but people still don’t believe me.     

Conflict can actually be good for your relationship.

Conflict can lead to greater understanding. Conflict can clarify similarities, differences, and preferences. Conflict can help couples learn how to deal with future conflict. And, perhaps most importantly, conflict can make it clear where efforts to communicate can and should be strengthened.

Surprisingly, conflict can be good for your relationship even if you occasionally behave badly (but not abusively) during the conflict….. as long as you master the art of the true apology.

Sure, using a conflict style that would be considered “constructive” creates a more pleasant conflict aftermath. Constructive styles that involve a concern for your partner and your relationship include tactics like collaboration or compromise, which often help resolve conflict and set the stage for forgiveness.

Likewise, using a conflict style that would be considered “destructive” creates a less pleasant conflict aftermath. Destructive styles that show little concern for your partner or your relationship include tactics like competing or avoidance, which rarely lead to peaceful resolution or forgiveness.

Your conflict style influences the conflict aftermath, for sure. But, what can make an even bigger difference is an effective apology.

What constitutes an effective apology?

First and foremost, avoid the “pseudo-apology” that goes something like this:  “I’m sorry you can’t take a joke” or “I’m sorry you are so upset” or “I’m sorry you just don’t understand”.

These statements are NOT apologies, they are critical statements that imply that your partner is overly sensitive rather than that you made a mistake.   Pseudo-apologies lead to more conflict, and, if used often enough, severely deteriorate the quality of a relationship.

In contrast, offer a “true apology”.

The five key attributes of a true apology include:

1. Be earnest and sincere, and not rushed.
2. Acknowledge specifically what you did wrong and state that you take responsibility.
3. Explain what happened, but do not offer excuses. An excuse negates the apology.
4. Offer to make amends or promise to change.
5. Ask for forgiveness.

Here’s an example:  Husband Stays Out Late with Co-Workers Without Calling Wife

Husband’s Pseudo apology: Fine. I’ll call home to “mommy” next time. I’m sorry you don’t understand how important it is for me to socialize with my co-workers.

Husband’s True apology: I am so sorry that I stayed out so late without calling to let you know I was ok and what was going on. I know you were worried about me and didn’t want to embarrass me by calling me when I was with my work friends.  I didn’t want leave the group to call home, but I could have easily texted you. And, I should have done that. I promise I won’t let it happen again. Please forgive me.

It isn’t hard to see the difference that a true apology would make in shaping the aftermath of this common couple conflict.  

Try it yourself. You’ll be amazed how disarming a true apology can be. But, also remember, there is an art to the true apology. Knowing when to deliver a true apology is almost as important as knowing how to do it.

Be careful not to overdo it. Apologizing too often for insignificant infractions or things you are not responsible for diminishes the impact when you make a true apology. However, a true apology that is given freely and sincerely, when needed, will turn the aftermath of conflict into an afterglow of relational healing.

If your relationship could benefit from the use of true apologies, share this post with your partner, promise to help each other practice apologizing, and you will be surprised how often you can “work it out”.

Let me know if I can help.  You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, LLC