by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

There are four signs that signal a progressive, downward relationship spiral leading to divorce.   But, you can learn to recognize these cautionary signals and take a detour that will put you back on the path to a long, satisfying marriage.

Which couple are you?

This week I met two young couples.  Both couples have been married for about four years.  Both couples are loving parents of a toddler.   Both parents in both couples are gainfully employed in professional jobs that provide health insurance and retirement benefits.  Both couples seem to “have it all”.

But yet, they are distressed.

Amy and Brian are heartbroken because no matter how hard they both try, they can’t seem to stop having the same fights over and over again.  In contrast, Lisa and Mike feel angry because they each see their marital problems as the other’s fault and they have given up trying to talk about it because talking just leads to another fight.

From the outside looking in, these couples seem similar. Both couples experience a lot of conflict and feel distressed.  But for Amy and Brian there is still a high likelihood that they can bring the joy back to their marriage if they quickly take steps to turn their relationship around.  For Lisa and Mike, the chances are slim because they’ve gone too far down the wrong road.

Four Signs You Could Be Headed for Divorce

1. You view your relationship problems as severe.  You started out as flovers (lovers who are also best friends).  But, now you notice that conflict is more frequent and has taken on a negative tone, especially for major issues that keep recurring.  This negativity then begins to bleed over into other aspects of your life, as well.  But, still you are turning toward each other to work things out.
2. Talking things over seems useless. You begin to blame the other for your relationship problems and your relationship talk is characterized by complaints, sarcasm, reciprocated negative feelings, and problem escalation or flooding the conversation with multiple criticisms.  You start to turn away from each other and try to solve the problems individually, rather than as a couple.
3. Spouses start leading parallel, but separate lives. To reduce conflict and tension, and to get some perspective on the relationship, spouses avoid talking about their relationship or issues other than those topics that surround their daily routines.  When other issues do come up, the intense conflict, criticism, and even contempt return.  So, you and your spouse begin to keep your distance and to live more like polite roommates than the intimate flovers you once were.
4. You feel alone in your own home. When communication is restricted to routine matters peppered with the inevitable eruptions of intense conflict, there is little intimacy exchanged between spouses.   You may go through the motions of your daily routine and family life, and may even continue to have sex.  But, your marital intimacy has been replaced, at best, by cordial indifference or, at worst, controlled hostility that lies barely under the surface and frequently erupts.

Where is the Point of No Return?

Couples like Amy and Brian can more easily reverse the downward trajectory because they noticed the first warning signs of relationship distress.  Either on their own, or with the help of a psycho-education course like “Let’s Stay Together”, they have a good chance of restoring the intimacy and happiness in their marriage.

Couples like Lisa and Mike, who continued to ignore the warning signs, have likely reached a “point of no return” or will have a rougher road back to each other than they would have if they had noticed the early warning signs that they were possibly headed to divorce.

If you’ve been seeing the early signs that you are on the road to divorce, try starting a conversation about how to become flovers again.

If you think you might have reached the “point of no return” in your marriage, try starting a civil conversation about your choices:  Are you both willing to try the rough road back to each other or, if not, can you dissolve your marriage amicably before you hurt each other and your children even more.  Granted…that’s a hard conversation to have.  But, I’ve seen couples who thought divorce was inevitable find their way back to each other.  And, ironically, I’ve also seen many miserable couples build a better life for themselves and their children through divorce.

Whether you are seeing the early warning signs or afraid you are reaching the point of no return, share this post with your spouse, start a conversation to discover the right road for you,  and work it out.

Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we (a) deliver our own “Let’s Stay Together – Marriage Refresher Course” – a private psycho-educational course delivered in a workshop-for-two format that serves couples who want to stay married, but also improve their relationship and (b) Divorce Mediation for couples that have decided to divorce but want to remain friendly and reach an agreement that serves the needs of all involved, especially the children.   If you aren’t sure, we can help you figure that out, too.

I’m a Gottman Leader authorized to deliver the Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work Couples Program and to use the Gottman Relationship Checkup when working with couples trying to decide if they have reached a “point of no return”.    I’ll help you work it out. 

If you liked this blog post, SIGN UP NOW for Dr. Jamie’s “Work it Out – Relationship Tips” emails packed with practical, helpful, and fun relationship guidance that you can use to make your relationships work. 

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By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

One of the main reasons people in contemporary western culture get stuck in what I call the Contemplative Phase of divorce is that the purpose of marriage itself has evolved over the last few decades, leaving people confused about what they value most from what should be the most valuable relationship in their life.

They can’t distinguish their sense of obligation from their once loving commitment. They can’t figure out how their best friend became a stranger.  They desperately want to be happy AND do the right thing.  So, they are left wondering, “how unhappy do I have to be in order to justify divorce?”

Ideal marriage is no longer characterized as a traditional (and very practical) exchange relationship, where the husband is head of the household and provides for the economic well being of the wife who keeps the home fires burning.   Instead, as more women earned college degrees, developed careers, and exercised their family planning options, men and women began to marry primarily for love, along with mutual interests, dual incomes (unless they decide otherwise), and shared decision making, parenting and household responsibilities.   

Today, the fairy tale marriage includes spouses who are lovers, friends, and committed equal partners.

Most couples know to expect temporary changes in their relationship due to work pressure, the introduction of children to the relationship, and other life events.  However, when couples experience a serious, long-lasting deficiency in the intimacy, passion, or commitment they once shared, they sense that their marriage love style has changed, prompting either or both of them to contemplate divorce.

Imagine it…..you took a vow. Made a commitment.  And, likely married someone who was once your best friend.  Things changed. You miss the loving relationship you once shared.  And, you have done all you know how to do to revitalize your marriage.   The improvements didn’t last.

So, now you wonder….

“How unhappy do I have to be in order to justify initiating a divorce?”

This post is the third and final post in a three-part series focused the way you and your spouse display intimacy, commitment and passion to create your Marriage Love Style, which can evole over time.  For more detail and the questions that help you assess your own relationship, read the first two posts in the Should I Stay or Should I Go series.

Robert Sternberg used the concepts of intimacy, commitment, and passion to articulate his powerfully descriptive Triangle Theory of Love, which illustrates eight Love Styles. I expand his theory by using the three dimensions of love and the Love Styles as a guide for making decisions about marriage and divorce.

Let’s review the Love Styles below, keeping in mind that each of the dimensions run along a continuum from low to high.  You can mark your level on a triangle, create your own unique marriage Love Style, and use the diagrams below to determine the Love Style that most closely matches your marriage.

 

 

Now, reflect back on your wedding day and the early stage of your marriage. What Love Style best characterized your marriage at that time?

What Love Style best characterizes your marriage now?

How has your marriage Love Style changed over time? (If you haven’t already done these assessments, you can find the questions here).

And, now the hard part.

First: Determine how your current Marriage Love Style impacts your level of satisfaction with your marriage. On a scale of 1 (very dissatisfied) to 7 (very satisfied). How satisfied are you with the current state of your marriage love style?

Second: Distinguish between your satisfaction with your Marriage Love Style and your own personal level of happiness.  For example, you could be experiencing a lower level of intimacy and passion than optimal, but you just adopted a baby and so, despite the change in love style, you are personally happy. Or your spouse just got a new job, so you understand why she is preoccupied and are happy being supportive during this change.   On the other hand, you could be experiencing a much lower level of intimacy and passion that has lasted a few years without a reasonable explanation. You’re married, but feel alone in your own home. As a result, you are personally very unhappy.

Third:  Identify the problem (even if it is you) and make changes. Make sincere attempts to reconcile differences and do all you know how to do to improve the relationship and prevent its failure. (Stay tuned for future blogs on this critically important step.)

Four: Revisit your satisfaction meter. Did your attempts to improve the relationship have a meaningful impact? Or does the relationship continue to cause you distress? Prevent you from growing? Demoralize you?

Five:  Decide and take deliberate action either way. If you are knowingly stuck in failed relationship, you are voluntarily choosing not to be as happy as you could be. And, be assured, you are selfishly keeping your spouse from being truly happy, as well. You’re both living the marriage equivalent of a glass half empty.  If you stay, know you have to commit to being  “all in”  or there is little chance you will restore the joy in your marriage or reach the red line on your own happiness meter.

This concludes our three-part “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” series. Please take the time to read all three posts and reflect carefully on the concepts and questions asked.  And, then decide what is best for you, your spouse, and your children, if you have them.

As you finalize  your decision, let me leave you with one of my favorite commentaries how to decide whether or not to end a marriage.  Leo Buscaglia penned it over 30 years ago, but it is timeless:

“The very measure of a good relationship is in how much it encourages optimal intellectual, emotional and spiritual growth. So, if a relationship becomes destructive, endangers our human dignity, prevents us from growing, continually depresses and demoralizes us — then, unless we are masochists and enjoy misery, we must eventually terminate it.  We are not for everyone and everyone is not for us.  The question is,  

“if we cannot be with another, can we at least not hurt them? Can we, at least, find a way to coexist?”

At Amity, we adopted a guiding philosophy of civility and a friendly approach to facilitating conversations that permeates our work. And we embrace an optimism about what people can do with and for each other, if they are simply willing to focus on finding solutions that are good for them AND for the others involved in their issues, especially children.  

We know that most couples and families truly value peaceful resolution of issues with as little hurt to those involved as possible.  We hope couples can stay together. But, our goal is to help people eliminate distress in their relationships and maintain peace, whether they stay together or not.

Our approach supports and guides individuals as they work to settle their differences and define for themselves the future of their relationships. If you are ready, share all of this with your spouse.   Then, start to Work it Out.

And, let me know if I can help.

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