Want a Happier Marriage This Year? Adopt These 7 Proven Habits

Happier Marriage

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

If you’re like most people, you resolved to “be healthier and happier” this year.   But, since the quality of our lives is directly related to the quality of our closest relationships, being healthier and happier is directly connected to the level of happiness you experience in your marriage or partnership.

This means that your goals to exercise, eat healthily, drink less, or learn something new could make you healthy and happier. However, your happiness quotient will increase exponentially if you also resolve to create a healthier, happier marriage.

Begin With the End in Mind – Set a “Happier Marriage” Goal

You can’t improve what you don’t measure.  To achieve a weight loss goal, you establish a healthy eating and exercise plan, and weigh your progress every day.  And, to have a happier marriage, you need to set a goal, establish a plan, and track your progress regularly.

What is a happy marriage?  A happy marriage involves partners who say they experience genuine pleasure, satisfaction, and joyfulness across all aspects of their marriage.  Not every moment, or even every day.  But, in general, they are highly satisfied with their relationship and each other.  That’s your goal.

Establish a Plan – Adopt the & Happy Couple Habits 

John Gottman’s research shows that happy, satisfied couples are easy to recognize. So, your action plan should be to do more of what happy couples do.  They make their relationship work because they:

  1. Invest in their relationship, so that they remain true friends, intimately familiar with each other’s world.
  2. Nurture their fondness and admiration for each other by exchanging positive feelings and focusing on each other’s positive qualities and their good times together.  They like each other.
  3. Interact frequently, making sure they turn to and respond to each other’s needs for attention, support, and comfort. They connect briefly when parting and reuniting, then for a longer conversation each day, and a regular date night. It takes about six hours a week.
  4. Share power and decision-making, seeking common ground when they disagree.
  5. Solve their solvable problems in ways that settle the issue.
  6. Cope effectively with ongoing problems, seeking to understand and respect each other’s points of view.
  7. Intentionally discuss and create a philosophy and purpose for their marriage that involves shared values, interests, traditions, and optimistic expectations for their relationship.
Track Your Progress

Measuring progress on your goal to a happier marriage requires paying attention to daily interactions.  But don’t worry.  One thing we know for sure is that the presence of conflict is NOT a sign that you are falling short of your Happier Marriage goal.

Happy couples experience interpersonal conflict and pressures from outside their relationship just as much as unhappy couples.  Happy couples just manage conflict well and minimize negativity.

John Gottman suggests that if your conflicts include several more positive than negative moments, you are likely on track toward your marital happiness goal.  Specifically, Gottman found that during conflict, successful couples had at least five seconds of time together in a positive (or neutral) emotional state for every one second in a negative state.  He calls this the Magic Ratio of 5:1.

So, I encourage couples to strive for at least five positive interactions for every negative one during their conflictual interactions.

To monitor your progress, throughout the next week track your interactions.  If you have a conflict, pay close attention to the tone of your comments during the interactions.  Did the conflict begin harshly or with criticism?  Was sarcasm used?  Was negativity reciprocated?  Did you interrupt each other? Did the conflict escalate or get out of hand?

Or, conversely, did the interaction begin softly, with a gentle appeal? Did the two of you describe your needs and feelings? Listen to each other?  Respond with understanding?  Did one of you try to de-escalate the conflict before it became too negative?

At the end of the week, review your notes and assess the tone of your interactions. Likely your conflicts are a blend of positive and negative sentiments.

If you feel like you fell short of the Magic 5:1 ratio or just want to keep progressing on your overall happier marriage goal, double down on your efforts to do what happy couples do to make their marriage work.

Focus on investing time in your friendship and nurturing your fondness and admiration for each other.  You are much less likely to have frequent, highly negative interactions with your best friend, who you truly like and admire.

Let me know if I can help.

I’m a FL Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and Couples Counselor who is part of the Gottman Referral Network.  You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we specialize in “friendly divorce” mediation and psycho-educational “Let’s Stay Together” private workshops, designed for couples who want to restore or enhance their marital happiness.  I also speak frequently on relationship topics and author the relationship blog called “Work it Out”.