By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Loving relationships are essential for human well-being and happiness at all ages.  In fact, the quality of our relationships determines the quality of our lives.

According to Robert Waldinger, director of the Harvard Study of Adult Development, “Good relationships keep us happier and healthier. Period”.

A variety of social connections and close relationships can produce these health and well-being benefits. It’s not the number of family connections, close friends, or even whether you are in a committed romantic relationship that matters.

If you cultivate a few warm, satisfying, loving relationships, you’ll reap the benefits of a happy, healthier, longer life.

Loving-Liking Connection Promotes Well-Being

For the people who choose to be married or live in a committed relationship, the relationship-life happiness connection is more complicated.  The quality of this primary relationship has the greatest impact on the quality of their life. And it requires both liking and loving.

A satisfying love relationship where partners both love and like each other makes people happy, bolsters their ability to deal with outside stressors, and provides protection for their physical and mental health as they age.

But beware.  A dissatisfying, loving relationship has the opposite effect.

Dissatifsing Relationships Toxic to Well-Being

Marriages with high levels of unresolved, hostile conflict or those that lack intimacy, trust, and commitment erode the physical and psychological well-being of the partners involved.

Put another way, toxic or loveless relationships keep people unhappy and unhealthy. Period.  Some (like me) say this is worse than getting divorced.

Therefore, one of the most important skill sets people can learn involves how to prevent negativity or indifference from eroding their intimate connection and overriding what was once their warm loving bond.

Key Building Block More “Liking” Not more “Loving”  

The foundation of any loving committed relationship is the couple’s friendship, or how much they like each other. This friendship forms the foundation of what Gottman calls the Sound Relationship House and allows the relationship to stand firm when inevitable conflicts and stressors arise.

Specifically, the foundational level of the Sound Relationship House model accentuates three important aspects of friendship and liking in a romantic relationship:

1. Build Love Maps: A love map contains the intimate information you know about your partner that you can use as a guide to your partner’s inner world. What are your partner’s likes and dislikes? Who is your partner’s best friend? Did they have a happy childhood? How do they prefer to relax after a tense day?  In an ideal relationship, you and your partner know each other better than anyone else.
2. Share Fondness & Admiration: Sharing your fondness and admiration for your partner involves vocalizing the personal characteristics you appreciate. This can be something as simple as saying “thank you”.  Or you could comment on your partner’s good deeds to a neighbor, creative problem solving, intelligence, or good looks.  Let your partner know you are proud of them, especially in front of others. Compliments mean the most when they come from the person most important to us.
3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away: When partners need attention, support, or comfort from each other, they say or do something to let each other know about their needs. Gottman calls this gesture or request a “bid” for attention, affection, humor, or support.  Turning Toward your partner involves giving an affirming response to their bid.

How to Build a Foundation of Liking

To experience the health and well-being benefits of a romantic, committed relationship you must keep the sentiment of your relationship positive and the foundation of liking and friendship strong.  This requires that you:

1. Continually improve your Love Maps: Make time to connect and truly listen to each other and respond in ways that show that you care about each other’s interests and concerns.
2. Revisit the reasons you like and admire your partner: Think about your partner’s positive characteristics. Then look for opportunities to articulate the big and little reasons you appreciate your partner.  You may want to start by writing a love letter or Valentine that includes the top 5 reasons you admire your partner.
3. Respond favorably to your partner’s needs: To create a safe space where you and your partner both feel you can express yourselves and meet each other’s needs, be sure to “turn toward” each other when the other makes a bid for attention or support.

Let me know if I can help.

I’m a FL Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and Couples Counselor who is part of the Gottman Referral Network.  You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we specialize in “friendly divorce” mediation and psycho-educational “Let’s Stay Together” private workshops, designed for couples who want to restore or enhance their marital happiness.  I also speak frequently on relationship topics and author the relationship blog called “Work it Out”.

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Most couples know they are supposed to have a regular “Date Night”.

Unfortunately, along the way, they let familiar routines and their life partner/parenting roles overshadow their ongoing need for novel activities and their role as romantic partners.  They just can’t seem to have a night out that doesn’t involve talking about the kids, household tasks, scheduling logistics, and, worse yet, complaints about one another.

Still, most women and men alike, long to recapture the pre-marriage, mid-courtship “date-night feeling”.  They remember when their conversation was comfortable and captivating, their mutual attraction was electric and palatable, and the night was filled with the promise of deepening their intimacy and providing a delightful escape from their daily routines and stressors.

Never thought date night was so important.  Think again.

This longing to recreate date-night intimacy could be related to a primal urge for survival.  There is a well-documented connection between the support that comes from a well-functioning intimate relationship and the personal well-being of the relationship partners.  Intimate relationships buffer partners from the negative outcomes associated with the stress due to life events like pregnancy, the birth of a child, job loss, illness, retirement, and, of course, routine daily stressors, as well.

It’s not just that intimacy adds to a marriage.  Lack of marital intimacy and satisfaction actually causes harm to the marriage and the marital partners.  Marriages (and other similar relationships) that lack intimacy and closeness tend to be unsatisfying, unstable, and highly conflictual. These relationships are associated with an increased risk of distress, physical illness, and poor psychological adjustment.

So, institutionalizing “date night” is not only fun, it can protect your marriage from deterioration and it can keep you and your spouse healthy, happy, and able to manage your life stressors.

If you think you are too busy for date night, then, according to relationship experts John and Julie Gottman, “you’re too busy”. 

Follow these 6 Tips for Successful Date Nights

1. Make “Date Night” affordable. Don’t allow date night to add financial stress.  Decide how much you can budget for your weekly date nights.  Your budget will determine the frequency and location of your dates.  Most budgets don’t allow for a weekly night out at a special occasion restaurant.  But, most budgets do allow for a weekly Date-Night dinner, late-night dessert, or glass of wine at home and a once-a-month Date Night out at a favorite restaurant for dinner or dessert.  Or, if you prefer, a picnic at a picturesque spot.

2.  Decide when you will schedule Date Night. For at-home Date Nights, examine your weekly routine, and find the time when a Date Night activity at home can be added to the routine.  Do NOT let other activities get in the way of this intimate time together.  For monthly Date Nights out, set a routine night (e.g. the last Saturday of the month) and get it on the calendar.  Only make adjustments to your Date Night schedule for important events that cannot be scheduled on another day.

 Note:  Date Night may also be at lunch rather than dinner, depending on work and family schedules.  It’s the time for intimate conversation, not the time of day that matters.

3.  Decide who is in charge of planning  There are as many ways to divide the planning as there are types of marriages.  Here are some ideas to stimulate your thinking:

Planning monthly Date Night  

Work together to generate a list of restaurants that fit your budget and that you would both enjoy, then take turns picking a restaurant from the list and making the reservations, etc.  Be sure not to use this as a “gotcha” opportunity.  If you know your spouse is habitually forgetful about these kinds of things, then volunteer to be the one who always makes the reservation.  Or, if you have historically been forgetful about reservations, then you could use this as an opportunity to show your commitment to “date night”, your marriage, and your spouse.

When you generate the list of restaurants, also include other activities you could enjoy before or after dinner, such as a movie, a play, a concert, or a walk on the beach.   The secret is to always include a meal in a sit-down restaurant in order to create an atmosphere conducive to conversation.

Planning weekly Date Nights at home  

Generate a list of ideas that work for you, depending on the time of your Date Night (dinner, dessert, nightcap).  Then take turns executing your at-home date.  That is, take turns shopping for and making (or bringing in) dinner/dessert. Take turns setting the table or the cozy nightcap atmosphere.  Use the good dishes, play music, and, most importantly, turn off the television.  When it is your turn, avoid being too contrived, but do behave as if you have invited your spouse over to your place and take the lead, while allowing your spouse to help a bit.

Be sure not to use this as a “gotcha” opportunity.  If you know your spouse is habitually clumsy in the kitchen or very busy at a new job, let it be ok for him to bring in takeout.  You might volunteer to pick up something from the store or help a bit with the cooking.   And, if you’re the one known to stay out of the kitchen, then you could get out of your comfort zone and use this as an opportunity to show your commitment to “date night”, your marriage, and your spouse.

When you decide on the best format for your Date Night at home, be sure to make it doable, without much negative stress.  The point is to create a time for just the two of you to talk, relax, and show love and support for one another.

4.  Make a Special Effort to Get Ready for Date Night. It’s a date.  So, whether it is your at-home Date Night or your monthly Date Night out, invest some time in refreshing your personal appearance.  At home, take a few minutes to wash up, spruce up and present your best “at home, relaxed” self.  For going out, do a full date-night primp routine and have fun with it.

For example, have the husband get ready first, then he can take care of the dog, settle the kids, and/or go get the babysitter while the wife finishes getting ready, undisturbed.  You’ll be surprised how luxurious that can feel to a busy wife and how transformative it can be for her.  Whatever your relationship configuration, make sure Date Night preparation adds anticipation, not anxiety to your date.

5. Turn off your cell phone during Date Night. (except maybe to have the waiter take your picture).   If you have small children and are truly (not artificially) worried about your babysitter being able to contact you, then put your phone on Do Not Disturb and only let the babysitter call come through.  I repeat:  Turn off your cell phone during Date Night.

6. The most important tip of all is to plan your Date Night conversation. If you want to avoid slipping into a night of talk about the kid’s antics, the household chores, and other logistics, you must have conversational starters at the ready.  You also need to be adept at gently changing the subject when your spouse starts talking about laundry, carpooling, home maintenance, or grocery lists.

So, make a list.  And, yes, write it down.  Write it down and then either commit it to memory or have a cheat sheet in your pocket.  (You can’t put your list in your phone, because your phone is off, remember?)   You’ll find a full dinner’s worth of conversational ideas here.

After a while, inventive Date Night conversation will come more naturally.

Bottom line:  If you want to start dating your spouse….that is,  if you want to improve the level of intimacy in your marriage, then share this post with your spouse.  Talk about the importance of instituting or enhancing your Date Nights plans, and work it out.

And, Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop where we facilitate divorce, family, and civil mediation. We also use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative, psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses for groups or individual couples who want to stay married, restore the joy in their marriage, and keep date nights going forever!  We call this class “Let’s Stay Together!”

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

If you want to improve your relationship and think making New Year’s Resolutions as a couple is a good idea, think again.  Relationship-based resolutions can’t lead to sustainable increases in happiness because they are worded like wishful thinking instead of like SMART relationship goals that ignite motivation and turn it into action and behavior change.

Sure, relationship resolutions are paved with good intentions.  Bridal Guide magazine even suggests eight New Year’s Resolutions that couples should make, including ideas like “spend more time together”, “go on dates”, “try new experiences”, and “do nice things for each other”.  

These Resolutions sound like ways to strengthen a relationship…until we acknowledge the studies that show that only 8% of Americans who make a New Year’s resolution keep them all year and 80% have failed by the start of February.  

Why New Year’s Resolutions Fail

Clinical Psychologist and self-coaching expert Joseph J. Luciani, Ph.D. says most resolutions fail due to a lack of self-discipline. But I think people fail to keep their New Year’s Resolutions because their wishful thinking is not backed up by sustainable action plans. 

Whether trying to avoid something detrimental to your relationship (like too much screen time) or trying something new that will be good for your relationship (like date nights), the change will be difficult because your current patterns likely evolved gradually, outside of your awareness. And, the status quo is at least predictable and comfortable in the short term, even if you know it isn’t producing the kind of relationship you want for the long term.

Make SMART Relationship Goals, Not Lofty Resolutions

I encourage couples to break current patterns by making optimistic challenges for their relationship in the form of SMART goals, galvanized by action plans. SMART goals are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Bound. 

Unlike New Year’s Resolutions, SMART goals produce success because the process of achieving them is segmented into small steps that can be taken one at a time. This makes the goal much less overwhelming and lets you plan clearly toward achieving it.

Here’s an example of a SMART relationship goal:

We will have out-of-the-house date nights (specific), once per month (achievable, measurable), so that we have more couple time to restore intimacy (relevance), between now and our 10th-anniversary trip (time-bound).

How to Transform New Year’s Resolutions into SMART Relationship Goals

Couples can transform their New Year’s Resolutions into Relationship SMART Goals following these five steps:  

1. Reflect on your relationship and determine how you want your relationship to change. You can do this individually and then share your ideas or do it as a couple from the start.  Just be sure you are future-focused and don’t let the conversation lead to fault-finding or blame.
2. Write down your SMART goals for the areas in your relationship that you both are committed to changing.  Be specific. Your goals should describe what you want to accomplish and why it is important to you. Make sure your goal is measurable in a way that you have control.  Make sure your goal is achievable – a stretch, but not practically impossible to reach. And, set a specific deadline for accomplishment to be sure your goal is timebound.
3. Post your relationship goals so that you both can see them every day.
4. Share your goals with family or friends that you trust.  Research shows that you will be more likely to achieve your goals if you tell the right people (not everyone) about them and keep those people informed of your progress.
5. Be flexible. If your goals become outdated or irrelevant, tweak them or replace them.

Close relationships are fragile.  A small crack that goes untended can easily become a larger break that leads to patterns of more distant interaction (or fighting) that slowly erode intimacy. Unless couples resolve to repair the damage, they will eventually reach a point of no return. 

Despite good intentions, however, a couple’s New Year’s Resolution to “spend more time together” or “go on dates” will likely fail by February if they don’t create SMART goals and a sustainable action plan.

Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, LLC, where we specialize in “friendly divorce” mediation and psycho-educational marriage revitalization sessions and programs using a practical, psycho-educational approach grounded in the Gottman Method. I also speak frequently on relationship topics and author the blog “Work it Out”.   

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD 

This time of year most of us are more intentional about having an “attitude of gratitude”. We ought to do this all year long, however, because feeling and expressing gratefulness makes us happier and more resilient, improves our relationships, and even boosts our psychological and physical health. 

Adopting an “attitude of gratitude” in your marriage also has positive effects. Couples who practice gratitude together have happier marriages than those who do not practice gratitude.  Research shows that couples who mutually express gratitude to each other strengthen their relationship, enhance the levels of perceived intimacy and mutual care, reinforce their sense of belonging, and bolster their levels of marital satisfaction.

Conversely, people who initiate divorce often do so because their spouse is overly critical, takes their contributions to their marriage and homelife for granted, and doesn’t seem to value who they are as a person, outside of the tasks they perform in the relationship. 

You and your partner can protect your marriage from this type of erosion by adopting an “attitude of gratitude” and practicing the following four reciprocal expressions of gratitude.

1. Look for reasons to say “thank you”.   

Pay attention to the contributions your partner makes to your daily routine such as cooking, making the bed, paying the bills, grocery shopping, loading the dishwasher, house cleaning, laundry, yard work, gassing up the car, and all the other little favors that make your day easier.

Stop taking these contributions for granted and instead acknowledge, value, and appreciate your partner’s role in making your life together work well.  It’s as easy as saying “thank you” sincerely and frequently.

2. Show that you appreciate who your partner is to you, not just what your partner does for you. 

Compliments are meaningful when they focus on behaviors and even more meaningful when they highlight the receiver’s core values.  So, of course, it is important to be thankful for your partner’s hard work and acts of service to your relationship, but it is even more important to praise your partner’s virtues. 

Is your partner smart, well-organized, a good storyteller, patient, empathetic, honest, funny, or a good friend?  Pay attention to how your partner lives out important values and express appreciation for the kind of person your partner is to you and others.

3. Avoid public criticism and give public praise.

One of the fundamental rules in relationship communication is never to criticize your partner in public. To do so is disrespectful, embarrasses and demoralizes your partner, and erodes relational trust, intimacy, and satisfaction. 

Praising your partner in public has the opposite effect.  Expressing appreciation for your partner publicly shows respect and pride, and will make your partner feel appreciated, important, and loved.  As a happy by-product, your partner will feel enhanced warmth toward you and your relationship.

So, take advantage of opportunities to thank or congratulate your partner in front of your children, extended family, and friends.  You might even create a social media post showing your partner’s good qualities or sharing news of your partner’s success.

4. Act grateful and show appreciation every day. 

Do small things often, rather than just isolated grand gestures. These small loving actions speak louder than words when it comes to making your partner feel loved and appreciated.  

Bring your partner a cup of coffee. Make her favorite meal.  Send a text message of encouragement when you know your partner has a presentation, an important meeting, or a long day. Send heart emojis when you text the grocery list. Draw a heart on a post-it and leave it on your partner’s windshield or stick it on the bathroom mirror.  Look for ways to do little favors for your partner every day.

Small, from-the-heart expressions of love and support send consistently authentic messages of love and appreciation and so they mean much more than a once-a-year candlelit dinner or perfunctory bouquet of roses on special occasions.

These four approaches to practicing gratitude will help you and your partner avoid taking each other for granted and keep you on a satisfying relationship path.  So, as you begin the season of love and joy this year, why not adopt an “attitude of gratitude” and incorporate these acts into your holiday preparations? If you do, you’ll more likely experience the true measure of the Season.

Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, LLC, where we specialize in “friendly divorce” mediation and Let’s Stay Together couples counseling workshops using a practical, psycho-educational approach grounded in the Gottman Method. I also speak frequently on relationship topics and author the blog “Work it Out”.   

By  Jamie C. Williamson, Ph

Spring symbolizes rebirth and reminds us of the opportunity to refresh and renew our lives and improve our relationships.  These 3 R’s guide the relationship improvement process.

If couples don’t get too caught up in “making” themselves seem happy, they can use these longer spring days to relax and reflect on how to refresh their daily priorities, renew their relationships, and let their  “happy”  bloom naturally.

The 3 R’s of Relationship Improvement

Despite what you may think, people don’t really learn from experience. Instead, we learn from reflecting on our experience. And, the same goes for couples, too.

Think about it.   Unless they reflect on their experiences, couples just rehash the same arguments and make the same mistakes over and over again.

To renew their relationship, couples have to truly think about how their life could flow more easily and be filled with the simple pleasures that constitute true happiness, not the manufactured kind. This type of reflection usually begins with one person, who later shares it with the other.

So, this spring try to capture some private time for yourself so that you can truly reflect on your relationship. Does your marriage seem routine?  Does your spouse seem like your roommate and not your best friend and the love of your life?  Do you fight about things that don’t really matter and avoid talking about the things that do?  Have you let the kids’ activities monopolize all your discretionary time?  Have you let your own interests take away from the time you could (and probably should) be spending with your partner?  Have you let financial concerns keep you from finding creative ways to bring simple joys into your relationship?

In order to to let your “happy” bloom naturally again, you first have to identify the patterns you would like to improve.  So whatever life stage or circumstance you are in, think honestly about what small changes would make a big difference, and keep in mind, that it might be YOUR approach that needs to change.

Once you have identified the existing patterns that interfere with the easy flow of happiness in your relationships, select the one non-threatening pattern that you believe — if changed — would bring a sense of renewal to the daily life of your relationship.  Later, you can address the other issues you identified.

Make one change at a time, because the increased happiness you feel from the first change, makes subsequent changes easier to implement.

Begin to change the interfering pattern by refreshing the way you and your spouse/partner approach the issue involved. This will, of course, require you to disclose what you’ve been thinking about to your partner.

The trick is to initiate the conversation with what’s called a “soft start-up”.  A “soft start-up” addresses the issue directly and head-on, but does NOT include criticism or blame. Begin with an “I” statement and say, for example, “Things are so hectic for us these days, I really miss having time to just hang out with you.  Will you help me figure out some small changes we could make in our routines so that there is more time for us to just be together?”

This refreshed approach will not work if your partner feels blamed for your discontent. Be sure to use the soft start-up and take the time needed to create a safe conversational zone. Then, don’t be surprised if you learn that your partner has been feeling the same way.

When couples refresh their approach to managing the daily patterns in their lives, they are able to reprioritize the allocation of their time, energy, and finances; recapture time to invest in their relationship; and, create a sense of renewal and base-line happiness in their relationship.  When this happens, couples don’t even think about how to make happiness, it just blooms naturally, like spring, every day.

So, share this post with your partner, grab some couple time, and brush up on the 3 R’s that let happy relationships bloom naturally.

And, Let me know if I can help.

 You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we facilitate divorce, family, and civil mediations.  We also are authorized to use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative, psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses  with our clients who want to stay together, but restore the joy in their marriage.

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

 ‘tis the season.  But how do you know the right gift to give your partner? 

Most gift givers assume that a more expensive present will be more appreciated, yet, receivers don’t appreciate expensive gifts more than other less expensive gifts.  And, that goes for gifts of clothes, wine, home décor, jewelry, and even the price of an engagement ring.

Research clearly shows that money can’t buy you love.  Instead, when it comes to gift giving, it truly is the thought (and effort) that counts.  

Or, said differently, expensive gifts can’t buy you love, but the right gift can.

So, how do you select the “right” gift? 

Selecting the right gift begins with the understanding that the gift you give – no matter the cost – communicates how you feel about the receiver and the relationship you share.  If you want your partner to receive a message of love, appreciation, admiration, and commitment, then you need a gift that makes that statement.

A good gift is tailored to the needs and desires of the receiver and also communicates a commitment to the relationship.

But the best gifts do all of that and more.  The best gifts also reflect effort and high levels of involvement.

For example, if your husband dreams of owning a sailboat and, like most of us, you can’t afford it, don’t buy him a toolbox or a new pair of running shoes.  Show him you want his dreams to come true.  Buy him a sailboat (and captain) for a day. Arrange with his boss for a day off, schedule child care, and buy him a pair of deck shoes.  Then, the two of you go for a day of sailing. Include a night sleeping on the boat, if your budget allows.   If that is too much, buy him a subscription to Sailing magazine, open a special “sailing” savings account, and start saving for next year’s rental or even boat ownership.  Just let him know his dream is your dream, too.

Or if your wife is a busy mother who longs for the romance and excitement of your early marriage but barely has time to blow dry her hair, don’t buy her a gold bracelet or the truly forbidden food processor (unless it comes with a cooking class in Italy).   If she longs to feel passionate again, show her she is still the woman you married. Buy her a day of luxury and romance.

Do all the planning. Book her into a resort spa, arrange for her to have a day off, arrange childcare, and schedule a massage, mani-pedi, facial, and blow-out (or whichever services you can afford).  Give her a new sexy top to wear with her black pants, and end with an overnight “date night” at the resort.  If that’s too much, give her the mani-pedi, send the kids to grandma’s, and prepare a romantic dinner at home.  Just let her know for sure that, to you, she’s not just a mom, she’s the love of your life.

If you can follow the spirit of these examples and create a gift tailored to your partner’s unique needs and desires, you should be able to send a strong message of love, appreciation, and commitment to your partner.  These types of gifts truly have a long-lasting “wow” effect and create wonderful holiday memories.

It truly is the thought and effort that counts.

Here’s another, less extravagant but still effective example.  Last year around Thanksgiving, my husband broke his favorite reading glasses.  He had a backup pair and could get along fine for a few weeks.  I could have easily ordered him a new pair of readers. But, I knew they wouldn’t be the same.  So, instead, I searched until I found an optometrist’s office willing to repair the old ones, wrapped the repaired glasses in tissue, and put them in his Christmas stocking.

When he unwrapped his repaired favorite glasses on Christmas morning, he said “This is way better than a new pair….how did you do it?”  And, I replied, “That’s the real present”.

Getting the glasses repaired was tailored to his needs and the effort showed my commitment to him and our relationship.  The effort also showed a high level of involvement (I had to do a lot of running around rather than just order something online).

Although my husband received other more expensive gifts last year, the repaired readers were his favorite because they told him the lengths I would go to make him happy.   In turn, he was happy with me.

Money didn’t buy that all-around happy feeling.  It truly was the thought and effort that counted.

Love is, after all, an action word.

Give all of this some thought and get creative. Make this the year you give your spouse (and anyone else) the best Christmas present ever.

Try sharing this post with your spouse to start a discussion about what you both might want most for yourselves and your relationship this year.  Talk about what it means to recognize that the best gifts are not the most expensive.  The best gifts are tailored to the receiver’s unique needs and desires, reflect effort and involvement on your part, and demonstrate your commitment to the person and the relationship you share. Then work it out so you have the best (and perhaps, least expensive) Christmas ever.

If you would like to give your spouse a private and fun marriage enhancement course, contact me and I’ll set it up for you. You’ll find me at Amity Mediation and Relationship Workshop, where we offer psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Sessions grounded in the Gottman Method. We call these “Let’s Stay Together” and offer them to happy couples who want to stay together forever.

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By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Most marital conflict is unsolvable.  In fact, according to renowned relationship researcher John Gottman, 69% of marital conflicts are perpetual problems that couples will never resolve. Only 31% of the problems in marriage are solvable. This is true for both happy couples and unhappy couples.

So, it is not the presence of on-going problems that makes couples unhappy.  It is the way the couples talk about perpetual problems that distinguishes between happy and distressed couples.  Happy couples learn to cope with perpetual problems rather than let the on-going issues infect their relationship.  Distressed couples rehash the same issue over and over again and allow those conflicts to erode their relationship.

This does not mean that couples should ignore or avoid perpetual problems. Ignoring the issues will not make them go away.  If the issue is important, pretending that it doesn’t matter will eventually create emotional distance between you and your partner, lead to resentment, and begin to negatively impact your entire relationship.

The good news is that most couples can learn to manage their perpetual problems once they recognize them as unresolvable on-going issues that they need to cope with rather than situational conflicts that can be resolved.

So, what’s the difference between Solvable Problems and unsolvable, Perpetual Problems?

In the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman explains that Solvable Problems are situational and tied to specific circumstances where a solution to the problem is possible.  Once the problem is resolved, couples can move on and not have to address it again.  In contrast, Perpetual Problems are on-going because they are rooted in differences in personality, beliefs, values, and hidden feelings.

Examples of perpetual, unsolvable problems include:

• One person is neat, the other is messy.
• One person is a spender, the other a saver
• One person is punctual, the other typically runs late
• One person wants to spend more time with friends, the other wants more couple time.

How do couples cope with Perpetual Problems?

First, accept the fact that problems, differences of opinion, and mismatched expectations are normal and inevitable in couple relationships. This realization helps couples keep the issue in perspective, rather than blow it out of proportion.

Second, look for the hidden feelings behind your partner’s behavior or point of view.  For example, if Tyler routinely fails to help with the housework, Maria might feel abandon – left on her own to take care of their home, like her single Mother was.  When Maria complains to Tyler about his laziness or lack of support, he might feel like she is trying to control him, which makes him feel like a scolded child instead of the man of the house.  

Third, have a conversation (not a fight) about the issue.  Pick the right time, the right place, and start with soft, respectful tone. Ask your partner to please listen because this is important to you. Speak honestly about your position and what it means to you. Describe your feelings and where they come from. Discuss your position and explanation for it, without criticizing your partner or blaming your partner for your feelings.

If you are the listener, seek to understand your partner rather than think about your rebuttal. Encourage your partner to explore his/her feelings and preferences. Do not evaluate your partners’ feelings and desires or mention any reason why they are impractical or unimportant.  Show empathy and truly try to understand. Then, switch roles so that the listener now describes his/her position and the feelings behind it.

Fourth, use your new understanding to find ways to cope with the issue with respect, cooperation, and humor.  In the Tyler-Maria example, this might include jointly making a list of the chores that need to be done over the weekend. Divide the chores and agree to do those allocated to you. Praise each other for what got done. Tease each other about what didn’t get done. And, set another deadline for what didn’t get done.  Do not do each other’s chores unless the other sincerely requests help due to unexpected circumstances.

If you can follow this approach to coping with inevitable Perpetual Problems you will be much more likely to retain (or regain) and stable, happy marriage.

Let me know if I can help.  

Want to talk about it?

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, LLC, where we specialize in “friendly divorce” mediation and marriage revitalization sessions and programs using a practical, psycho-educational approach grounded in the Gottman Method.  I also speak frequently on relationship topics and author the blog “Work it Out”.   

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

The secret to long-lasting romance in marriage is simple, inexpensive, and fool proof.

You’ve probably figured out that it isn’t a candlelit dinner on your anniversary or the obligatory sex that followed.  And, unless you learn this one simple secret it won’t be your long-anticipated romantic get-away either.

Events designed to be romantic flop when you aren’t already lovingly connected to your partner. Instead of helping you reconnect, the contrived candlelit dinner becomes a struggle for conversation topics and that romantic “get-away” reveals that you don’t really know what you enjoy doing together anymore. The empty feeling and disappointment these realizations produce lead, at best, to awkward silences and, at worst, to frustration, angry accusations, and harsh criticism. Either way, they don’t enhance that loving feeling.  You can’t purchase togetherness.

So, how do you prime your marriage for romance and lasting love?  

You do small things often. You turn to each other in little ways, every day.

According to Dr. John Gottman, it’s that simple. In The Relationship Cure, Gottman explains that small, intentional moments of kindness and connection have a more positive impact on creating and sustaining marital romance than isolated, grand gestures.

These small loving actions also speak louder than words, when it comes to making your partner feel loved.   In a 2017 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Saeideh Heshmati and his Penn State colleagues found an American cultural consensus that showing compassion and displaying affection (e.g. snuggling) on a daily basis rank higher on the list of what makes people feel loved then typical romantic scenarios or grand verbal declarations of love.

Ready to put this one simple action to the test?  Every day, just try another small way of turning toward your spouse, instead of away. For example:

Pay attention and respond with interest.

Notice when your partner subtly asks for your attention, affection, or support and give it. Look at the hummingbird and comment on it when she calls it to your attention. Take his side when he shares a work concern. Show that you are glad (really glad) to see your partner at the end of the day. Respond with curiosity when your partner talks about family, friends, and other interests. Theses mundane moments of connection truly matter.

When you don’t have time to respond, express regret and take the time to explain.  Don’t say “I don’t have time”. Instead, say you wish you had time, clarify why you don’t have time, and set up a plan to talk about it “when I get home tonight” or “after the kids are in bed” or “when I get home from my meeting”.

Voluntarily (and routinely) take action to support and connect with your partner.

Fold the laundry or take out the garbage, when it’s not your turn. Run errands for each other. Make dinner together. Pay the bills together. Plan and host a dinner for friends together. Share each other’s burdens and you become more interdependent. Support each other’s contributions and you create a shared sense of purpose. These small, day-to-day gestures go a long way toward deepening your marital connection, helping your partner feel loved, and prime you for marital romance.

Look for small ways to send messages of love.

Send a text message of encouragement when you know your partner has a presentation, an important meeting, or a long day. Send heart emojis when you text the grocery list.  Pack a love note in your partner’s suitcase, briefcase or lunch box. These notes don’t have to be poetic, or long, or even include words at all. Put on lipstick, kiss a napkin, and tuck it in the bag. Draw a heart on a post-it and leave it on your partner’s windshield or sitck it on the bathroom mirror. These small, from-the-heart expressions of love and support send consistently authentic messages of love and so they mean much more than a once-a-year candlelit dinner or perfunctory bouquet of roses on special occasions.

How does this one simple action create more romance in your marriage?

If you’re like most people, you are surprised that the single most essential action that grounds your marital stability and contributes to your on-going romance is the simple act of turning toward your spouse in many small, routine ways every day.

It works because these gestures solidify your marital connection and promote positive feelings that will sustain your marriage during stressful times and grow the loving feeling of togetherness you share.

Take this loving connection and your positive feelings out to a candlelit dinner or on vacation, and the romantic spark you’re hoping for will ignite. But, chances are, if you adopt this one simple action – and turn towards your spouse in small ways every day – you won’t need expensive dinners or exotic vacations to stir up romance. You’ll have that at home every day.

If you engage in these small gestures every day, you’ll be going on date nights or vacation to enjoy each other. Not to save your marriage.

How do you begin turning toward each other?

If you want to strengthen your relationship and create more romance in your marriage, share this post with your partner. Then, start a conversation about the importance of being truly engaged in your routine interactions. Discuss the value of tuning into each other’s daily needs for attention, support, and encouragement. And, then imagine the difference that doing “small things often” can make in your feelings toward each other and the quality of your life together. Do your best to “work it out”.

Let me know if I can help.

 You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we facilitate divorce, family and civil mediations.  We also are authorized to use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative Let’s Stay Together private workshop sessions with our client who want to stay together, but refresh and restore the joy in their marriage.

Sign UpNow  to receive Dr.  Jamie’s “Work it Out – Relationship Tips”  emails packed with practical, helpful, and fun relationship improvement tips.

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by Jamie C.  Williamson, PhD

Married couples who play together, stay together.  

But that doesn’t mean you should treat your marriage like a game.  If you treat your marriage like a game, you’ll get played and lose every time.

What this does mean is that couples who “play together” by engaging in fun, novel activities grow closer to each other, experience more positive emotions toward each other and their relationship, and as a result are happier and want to stay together.

Can it really be that easy?   Yes, it can.

Why Playing Together Helps You Stay Together

First, playing together in novel and arousing activities keeps you (and your spouse) from getting bored and your relationship from becoming a boring routine.

Boredom sacks the current joy out of your relationship and, if not addressed, leads to increasing dissatisfaction over time, the temptation to seek excitement outside the relationship, and/or ultimately the “we’ve just grown apart” explanation for divorce.

Second, playing together also helps you and your spouse connect the good feelings you experience during the activity to your overall relationship.

Third, participating in novel and arousing activities makes people feel happier in general, and when you are a happier person, you are more likely to be a happy partner and extend that positive emotion to your marriage and spouse.

How far do you have to go to keep you and your spouse out of a boring routine?

Off the couch, maybe.  But, not that far.

Go for a bike ride. Throw a football around. Take a walk on the beach or a canoe ride. Try a Stand-Up Paddle board.  A new restaurant.  Get to know other couples — new friends you make together.

Remember, marriage is not a game.  Both husband and wife are on the same side.

So be sure you aren’t keeping score.  If your wife “wins” because you agree to try something new that she recommended, you both win.

And, if your husband “wins” because you agree to try something new that he likes, you also both win.

Here’s a common example for football season (just remember, the point of the story is gender neutral)

If your husband really enjoys watching college football, learn to like it, too, rather than pout and try to make him feel guilty.  (You might have to pretend at first).  This will add a new activity for you to enjoy together.

In turn, he will naturally connect the fun he has watching the game with you to positive feelings about you.  As a result, he will be more likely to want to make you happy and will look for ways to do that – like take a cooking class, or run a 5-K, go with you to church, or start a weekly date night.

Husbands, keep in mind that if you initiate the weekly date night (for example), your wife will transfer her good feeling about that to you and, as a result, be more likely to want to look for novel ways to make you happy, as well.

The point is that if you want to avoid (or get out of) the rut of relationship boredom, you have to play together by engaging in novel and arousing activities.  It doesn’t matter who is ahead at the end of the first quarter.  You’re both on the home team.

Can the novel and arousing activities involve sex?

Sure.

But, you are unlikely to be any good at sex play, if you aren’t fully engaged with each other out of the bedroom.  And, if you suggest novel sex before you’ve shown a willingness to “get off the couch”, your effort will backfire.   First things first.

If you are starting to feel bored in your marriage, share this post with your spouse and talk about ways you can add some new activities or people to your life.   Discuss how the positive feelings you get from these new experiences will help you grow closer again, increase your relationship satisfaction, and decrease the likelihood that you will “grow apart” (or be tempted to find excitement elsewhere).

Pick a new activity and begin to work it out.  If your spouse won’t go along at first, try learning to like something your spouse already enjoys so you can do it together. Then, try to add something novel to you both.

And, let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we facilitate divorce, family and civil mediations.  We also use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative, psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses for individal couples who want to stay together, but restore the joy in their marriage.

Sign Up Now  to receive Dr.  Jamie’s “Work it Out – Relationship Tips”  emails packed with practical, helpful, and fun relationship improvement tips.

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by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

A “friendly” divorce without lawyers could be right for you. If you have decided that getting a divorce is the best (and maybe only) option that will promote your future emotional and psychological well-being, and that of your spouse and children, your next step is to determine which of the four paths to a legal divorce is right for you and your circumstances.

To decide which path will serve you best, answer the following questions:

(1A) If you have children, what type of divorced parenting partnership is in the best interest of your children.  For most people, the answer to this question is either “Facilitating Friends” or “Accommodating Allies”, both of which involve high levels of goodwill and cooperative communication.  Read more about types of divorced Parenting Partnerships here.

(1B) If you don’t have children, would you and your spouse like to remain on friendly terms?

If you want a friendly divorce, you could select from among the Do It Yourself,  Pre-Suit Pro Se (without attorneys), or the Pre-Suit, with Attorneys.

(2) How complicated are your financial circumstances?

Do you have customary assets like a home, car, bank accounts, and retirement accounts, as well as typical liabilities like a mortgage, car payment, and credit card bills? Or are your finances more complicated, involving a family business, a trust, or a complex investment portfolio?

If you have simple finances and no children, the Do It Yourself may work for you. If you have children and simple/moderately complex assets and liabilities to equitably distribute, then you could choose between Pre-Suit Pro se (without attorneys), or Pre-Suit, with Attorneys. If you have a highly complex mix of assets and liabilities, you may best be served by an Attorney Driven divorce.

(3) What amount of family resources are you able or willing to invest in the divorce process?

The Do It Yourself divorce is the least expensive but comes with the need to complete complicated forms and work through emotional issues on your own.   If your finances are simple AND you and your spouse are detail-oriented, well organized, have a high level of goodwill for one another, and have excellent communication and conflict resolution skills, then the DYI option may work for you.

The Pre-Suit Pro Se path (a friendly divorce without lawyers) is also relatively inexpensive.  For example,  fees for a friendly, Pre-Suit, Pro Se divorce at Amity Mediation Workshop on Florida’s Emerald Coast range from $1,400 to $3,000, depending on the complexity of your assets and whether or not you have children.

For this moderate cost, in the Pre-Suit  Pro Se option, your mediator facilitates the emotional discussions and empowers you to reach mutual agreement on all of your current issues. The mediator also prepares your Marital Settlement Agreement, Parenting Plan, and Child Support Guidelines Worksheet.   Many mediators, like those at Amity Mediation Workshop, also include assistance with document preparation and Family Law Forms.  This type of one-stop-shop helps simplify and de-stress the divorce process.

The Pre-Suit with Attorneys path is more expensive than a divorce without lawyers, but also typically less expensive and less adversarial than an attorney-driven divorce.  Along this path to divorce, attorneys guide their clients’ decision making, but work in a collaborative manner with each other. The mediator works directly with the parties to help them resolve issues and create their Marital Settlement Agreement. The Attorney-Driven path to divorce is the most expensive and will vary by lawyer and region. According to Lawyers.Com, the average attorney fees for a divorce in Florida are $10,700, and the average total cost of a Florida divorce with attorneys is $13,500.   The costs range depending on whether or not children and complicated assets are involved, as well as how acrimonious and protracted the process becomes.

(4) How quickly would you like to complete the divorce process so you can start building a stable future for you and your children?

The DYI divorce could be the quickest, if you have limited/no assets, no children, no problem completing the forms, and high levels of goodwill and cooperation with one another.

The Pre-Suit Pro Se friendly divorce without lawyers typically involves a one-hour planning session and two weekly 2-to-3 hour mediation sessions.  This means that by utilizing a mediation practice like Amity Mediation Workshop you could resolve all of your issues and be ready to file for a non-contested divorce in about one month.

The Pre-Suit with Attorneys path stretches over a longer time period than the Pre Suit, Pro Se, in large part due to the attorneys’ scheduling and the time they need for advance consultation and preparation with their client.  Still, this path is much quicker than the Attorney Driven path.

The Attorney-Driven path to divorce takes the longest.  According to Lawyers.Com, the average duration of the attorney-driven divorce process in Florida is 15 months and ranges from 7 to 30 months, depending on attorney schedules, the complexity of the case, and the amount of acrimony that creeps into the process.

So you decide.

If you are like most (but certainly not all) people, a friendly divorce without lawyers may be your best option:

1. You want to remain friendly with your spouse, especially if you will continue being Parenting Partners.
2. You have typical assets and liabilities that can be equability distributed without complicated legal transactions.
3. You would rather reserve family resources so that you and your spouse have the money you need to start over and build a stable future for yourselves and your children.
4. You would rather move forward deliberately and begin building a happy, stable future rather than be stuck in limbo for a year or more rehashing the past.

At Amity, our guiding philosophy of civility and a friendly approach to facilitating conversations permeates our mediation work. And we embrace an optimism about what people can do with and for each other if they are simply willing to focus on finding solutions that are good for them AND for the others involved in their issues, especially children. 

We know that most couples and families truly value peaceful resolution of issues with as little hurt to those involved as possible.  We hope couples and families can stay together. But, our goal is to help people eliminate distress in their relationships and maintain peace, whether they stay together or not.

Our approach supports and guides individuals as they work to settle their differences and define for themselves the future of their relationships. If you have decided to divorce, share the Paths to Legal Divorce graphic with your spouse. Decide which option is best for you.  Then, start to Work it Out.

And, let me know if I can help.

P.S.   Deciding whether or not to get divorced is excruciatingly difficult. If you are struggling with that question, and need help working through the decision-making process, read my three-part series titled Should I Stay or Should I Go?

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

The secret to long-lasting romance in marriage is surprisingly simple, inexpensive, and fool proof.

It isn’t  a “romantic” candlelit dinner on Valentine’s Day.  And, unless you learn this simple secret and get primed for romance soon, it won’t be your Spring Break get-away to the beach (or the mountains), either.

You can’t purchase that loving feeling.

Events designed to be romantic flop when you aren’t already lovingly connected to your partner. Instead of helping you reconnect, the contrived candlelit dinner becomes a struggle for conversation topics and that romantic “get-away” reveals that you don’t really know what you enjoy doing together anymore. The empty feeling and disappointment these realizations produce lead, at best, to awkward silences and, at worst, to frustration, angry accusations, and harsh criticism. Either way, they don’t enhance that loving feeling.

You can’t purchase that loving feeling.  You just can’t.

But you can create it.

So, what’s the secret to long-lasting romance in marriage?  

You do small things often. You turn to each other in little ways, every day.

According to Dr. John Gottman, it’s that simple. In The Relationship Cure, Gottman explains that small, intentional moments of kindness and connection have a more positive impact on creating and sustaining marital romance than isolated, grand gestures.

These small loving actions also speak louder than words, when it comes to making your partner feel loved.   In a 2017 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Saeideh Heshmati and his Penn State colleagues found an American cultural consensus that showing compassion and displaying affection (e.g. snuggling) on a daily basis rank higher on the list of what makes people feel loved than typical romantic scenarios or grand verbal declarations of love.

Convinced?     Ready to put this one simple action to the test?

Then, every day (yes every day) just try another small way of turning toward your spouse, instead of away.  For example:

Pay attention and respond with interest.

Notice when your partner subtly asks for your attention, affection, or support and give it. Look at the butterfly and comment on it when she calls it to your attention. Take his side when he shares a work concern. Show that you are glad (really glad) to see your partner at the end of the day. Respond with curiosity when your partner talks about family, friends, and other interests. Theses mundane moments of connection truly matter.

When you don’t have time to respond, express regret and take the time to explain.  Don’t say “I don’t have time”. Instead, say you wish you had time, clarify why you don’t have time, and set up a plan to talk about it “when I get home tonight” or “after the kids are in bed” or “when I get home from my meeting”.

Voluntarily (and routinely) take action to support and connect with your partner.

Fold the laundry or take out the garbage, when it’s not your turn. Run errands for each other. Make dinner together. Pay the bills together. Plan and host a dinner for friends together. Share each other’s burdens and you become more interdependent. Support each other’s contributions and you create a shared sense of purpose. These small, day-to-day gestures go a long way toward deepening your marital connection, helping your partner feel loved, and prime you for marital romance.

Look for small ways to send messages of love.

Send a text message of encouragement when you know your partner has a presentation, an important meeting, or a long day. Send heart emojis when you text the grocery list.  Pack a love note in your partner’s suitcase, briefcase, back pack, or lunch box. These notes don’t have to be poetic, or long, or even include words at all. Put on lipstick, kiss a napkin, and tuck it in the bag. Draw a heart on your business card and leave it on your partner’s windshield. Stick a post-it on the bathroom mirror. These small, from-the-heart expressions of love and support send consistently authentic messages of love and so they mean much more than a once-a year candlelit dinner or perfunctory bouquet of roses on special occasions.

How does this one simple action create more romance in your marriage?

If you’re like most people, you are surprised that the single most essential action that grounds your marital stability and contributes to your on-going romance is the simple act of turning toward your spouse in many small, routine ways every day.

Turning toward each other works because these repeated small gestures solidify your marital connection and promote positive feelings that will sustain your marriage during stressful times and grow the loving feeling of togetherness you share.

Take this loving connection and your positive feelings out to a candlelit dinner or on vacation, and the romantic spark you’re hoping for will ignite. But, chances are, if you adopt this one simple action – and turn towards your spouse in small ways every day – you won’t need expensive dinners or exotic vacations to stir up romance. You’ll have that at home every day.

If you engage in these small gestures every day, you’ll be going on date nights or vacation to enjoy each other. Not to save your marriage.

How do you begin turning toward each other?

If you want to strengthen your relationship and create more romance in your marriage, share this post with your partner. Then, start a conversation about the importance of being truly engaged in your routine interactions. Discuss the value of tuning into each other’s daily needs for attention, support, and encouragement. And, then imagine the difference that doing “small things often” can make in your feelings toward each other and the quality of your life together. Do your best to “work it out”.

Let me know if I can help.

 You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we facilitate divorce, family and civil mediations.  We also use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative, psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses for our clients who want to stay together, but restore the joy in their marriage.

Sign Up Now  to receive Dr.  Jamie’s “Work it Out – Relationship Tips”  emails packed with practical, helpful, and fun relationship improvement tips.

SIGN UP NOW

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

There are four signs that signal a progressive, downward relationship spiral leading to divorce.   But, you can learn to recognize these cautionary signals and take a detour that will put you back on the path to a long, satisfying marriage.

Which couple are you?

This week I met two young couples.  Both couples have been married for about four years.  Both couples are loving parents of a toddler.   Both parents in both couples are gainfully employed in professional jobs that provide health insurance and retirement benefits.  Both couples seem to “have it all”.

But yet, they are distressed.

Amy and Brian are heartbroken because no matter how hard they both try, they can’t seem to stop having the same fights over and over again.  In contrast, Lisa and Mike feel angry because they each see their marital problems as the other’s fault and they have given up trying to talk about it because talking just leads to another fight.

From the outside looking in, these couples seem similar. Both couples experience a lot of conflict and feel distressed.  But for Amy and Brian there is still a high likelihood that they can bring the joy back to their marriage if they quickly take steps to turn their relationship around.  For Lisa and Mike, the chances are slim because they’ve gone too far down the wrong road.

Four Signs You Could Be Headed for Divorce

1. You view your relationship problems as severe.  You started out as flovers (lovers who are also best friends).  But, now you notice that conflict is more frequent and has taken on a negative tone, especially for major issues that keep recurring.  This negativity then begins to bleed over into other aspects of your life, as well.  But, still you are turning toward each other to work things out.
2. Talking things over seems useless. You begin to blame the other for your relationship problems and your relationship talk is characterized by complaints, sarcasm, reciprocated negative feelings, and problem escalation or flooding the conversation with multiple criticisms.  You start to turn away from each other and try to solve the problems individually, rather than as a couple.
3. Spouses start leading parallel, but separate lives. To reduce conflict and tension, and to get some perspective on the relationship, spouses avoid talking about their relationship or issues other than those topics that surround their daily routines.  When other issues do come up, the intense conflict, criticism, and even contempt return.  So, you and your spouse begin to keep your distance and to live more like polite roommates than the intimate flovers you once were.
4. You feel alone in your own home. When communication is restricted to routine matters peppered with the inevitable eruptions of intense conflict, there is little intimacy exchanged between spouses.   You may go through the motions of your daily routine and family life, and may even continue to have sex.  But, your marital intimacy has been replaced, at best, by cordial indifference or, at worst, controlled hostility that lies barely under the surface and frequently erupts.

Where is the Point of No Return?

Couples like Amy and Brian can more easily reverse the downward trajectory because they noticed the first warning signs of relationship distress.  Either on their own, or with the help of a psycho-education course like “Let’s Stay Together”, they have a good chance of restoring the intimacy and happiness in their marriage.

Couples like Lisa and Mike, who continued to ignore the warning signs, have likely reached a “point of no return” or will have a rougher road back to each other than they would have if they had noticed the early warning signs that they were possibly headed to divorce.

If you’ve been seeing the early signs that you are on the road to divorce, try starting a conversation about how to become flovers again.

If you think you might have reached the “point of no return” in your marriage, try starting a civil conversation about your choices:  Are you both willing to try the rough road back to each other or, if not, can you dissolve your marriage amicably before you hurt each other and your children even more.  Granted…that’s a hard conversation to have.  But, I’ve seen couples who thought divorce was inevitable find their way back to each other.  And, ironically, I’ve also seen many miserable couples build a better life for themselves and their children through divorce.

Whether you are seeing the early warning signs or afraid you are reaching the point of no return, share this post with your spouse, start a conversation to discover the right road for you,  and work it out.

Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we (a) deliver our own “Let’s Stay Together – Marriage Refresher Course” – a private psycho-educational course delivered in a workshop-for-two format that serves couples who want to stay married, but also improve their relationship and (b) Divorce Mediation for couples that have decided to divorce but want to remain friendly and reach an agreement that serves the needs of all involved, especially the children.   If you aren’t sure, we can help you figure that out, too.

I’m a Gottman Leader authorized to deliver the Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work Couples Program and to use the Gottman Relationship Checkup when working with couples trying to decide if they have reached a “point of no return”.    I’ll help you work it out. 

If you liked this blog post, SIGN UP NOW for Dr. Jamie’s “Work it Out – Relationship Tips” emails packed with practical, helpful, and fun relationship guidance that you can use to make your relationships work. 

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by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Divorcing couples do move through predictable and understandable stages of divorce, each associated with different practical concerns, emotions, and typical behavior patterns.

But, divorce initiation often begins with a seemingly calm, barely detectable phase.   You have to pay close attention or it will catch you by surprise.

Most explanations of the phases of divorce ignore this all important first phase experienced by the person initiating the divorce.   Instead, the typical list of divorce phases focuses on the emotional phases experienced by the person responding to their spouse’s request for a divorce.

A common explanation of the stages of divorce characterizes the divorce as the “death” of the relationship and draws on Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s well known writing about the Stages of Grief to explain that people typically go through 5 stages of loss and recovery as a result of the divorce: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

You’ve likely read these models before.  And, because they can be useful when helping individuals understand their reactions to the divorce, I created and use one of these grief models, too.

My explanation of the phases of divorce includes the following 7 Stages of Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce.  (Notice this model focuses on the final outcome (recovery) not the initial feeling (grief).

Depicting the life-rebuilding process in linear stages can help people know what to expect to experience when they go through a divorce and it can help people understand their own and their partner’s feelings and behavior.  These stage models help people realize that they are experiencing a normal response to a major life-changing event.

Do people go through the stages sequentially? 

Not typically.  Individuals generally move through all of the Stages of Rebuilding After Divorce over time; but, during this challenging time of transition individuals often move in, out, and around the stages as they work toward the process of acceptance and rebuilding their lives.   If individuals get “stuck” in one of the stages, they can seek help from a therapist or family mediator in order to move beyond that stage.

Do spouses experiences the stages at the same time?

Not often.  Usually the initiating spouse is ready to divorce and the responding spouse is reluctant to give up on the marriage.  Some are unwilling to divorce unless forced to do so.

The responding spouse often perceives the initiating spouse as indifferent or unfeeling, with comments as “you don’t seem so sad….you don’t seem to care at all”.  And, in some cases that could be accurate.

More often, however, the initiating spouse has actually cautiously contemplated divorce for some time and, as such, worked through most of the initial emotional stages of divorce BEFORE overtly introducing the topic of divorce to the responding spouse.  This happens in the relatively calm, Contemplative Phase of divorce that often goes unnoticed by the responding spouse.  Yet, it also often leads to divorce initiation and engenders the emotional stages of divorce and rebuilding.

The Calm, Undetectable Contemplative Phase of Divorce

When basically well-adjusted people begin to think about divorce, they typically experience a great deal of cognitive dissonance associated with balancing their personal needs and desires with their competing desire to uphold their commitment to their spouse, their marriage, and for some, their children, as well.

So, they do a lot of thinking.   They have moved beyond denial and experienced anger and sadness.  They assess what they appreciate and dislike about their marriage, their spouse, and how their spouse treats them.  They consider whether or not they would be justified in ending the marriage.  They consider how life would actually be better (or worse) if they were divorced.

Paradoxically, when people truly begin to contemplate divorce, they often are on their best behavior.  They haven’t decided what they want and realize that in the end, they could decide they truly want to stay married.  So, they don’t want to initiate conflict or degrade the marriage relationship, and they don’t want to send the signal that they are contemplating divorce, in case they change their mind.

When an individual moves out of the Contemplative Phase of Divorce and actually introduces divorce as a topic of conversation, the responding spouse is often, understandably shocked.  After all, the initiating spouse seemed happy, they weren’t having much conflict, and their day-to-day routine was running smoothly.  The initiating spouses did a good job covering up while contemplating divorce.  But, this left the responding spouse with little reason to suspect that divorce was on the horizon.  In addition, the initiating spouse seems unfeeling or indifferent to the responding spouse because the initiating spouse has already worked through anger and sadness to determine, although reluctantly, that divorce is inevitable, perhaps even desirable under the circumstances.

Transformative divorce mediation can help the responding spouse understand the Contemplative Phase, reflect back on the initiating spouse’s behavior, and retrospectively recognize when their spouse moved through the initial emotional stages of divorce.  That realization makes it easier for the responding spouse to work cooperatively with the initiating spouse through the acceptance and rebuilding phase of life after divorce.

If you and your spouse are struggling with the emotional Stages of Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce, share this post and try to work it out.   You may want to consider transformative, divorce mediation that will help you remain amicable while you work through your issues and reach agreement on how you will build a stable, but separate future for yourselves.

If you think your spouse might be in the Contemplative Phase of Divorce, share this post as a way to initiate a conversation about whether or not you are both happy in your marriage.  You might be surprised how often, with an early intervention, couples can work it out.

Either way, let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we provide the “Lets Stay Together” Marriage Refresher Course for couples who want to try to make their marriage work again and Divorce Mediation for couples who have decided to divorce, but want to do so amicably.