By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Most couples know they are supposed to have a regular “Date Night”.

Unfortunately, along the way, they let familiar routines and their life partner/parenting roles overshadow their ongoing need for novel activities and their role as romantic partners.  They just can’t seem to have a night out that doesn’t involve talking about the kids, household tasks, scheduling logistics, and, worse yet, complaints about one another.

Still, most women and men alike, long to recapture the pre-marriage, mid-courtship “date-night feeling”.  They remember when their conversation was comfortable and captivating, their mutual attraction was electric and palatable, and the night was filled with the promise of deepening their intimacy and providing a delightful escape from their daily routines and stressors.

Never thought date night was so important.  Think again.

This longing to recreate date-night intimacy could be related to a primal urge for survival.  There is a well-documented connection between the support that comes from a well-functioning intimate relationship and the personal well-being of the relationship partners.  Intimate relationships buffer partners from the negative outcomes associated with the stress due to life events like pregnancy, the birth of a child, job loss, illness, retirement, and, of course, routine daily stressors, as well.

It’s not just that intimacy adds to a marriage.  Lack of marital intimacy and satisfaction actually causes harm to the marriage and the marital partners.  Marriages (and other similar relationships) that lack intimacy and closeness tend to be unsatisfying, unstable, and highly conflictual. These relationships are associated with an increased risk of distress, physical illness, and poor psychological adjustment.

So, institutionalizing “date night” is not only fun, it can protect your marriage from deterioration and it can keep you and your spouse healthy, happy, and able to manage your life stressors.

If you think you are too busy for date night, then, according to relationship experts John and Julie Gottman, “you’re too busy”. 

Follow these 6 Tips for Successful Date Nights

1. Make “Date Night” affordable. Don’t allow date night to add financial stress.  Decide how much you can budget for your weekly date nights.  Your budget will determine the frequency and location of your dates.  Most budgets don’t allow for a weekly night out at a special occasion restaurant.  But, most budgets do allow for a weekly Date-Night dinner, late-night dessert, or glass of wine at home and a once-a-month Date Night out at a favorite restaurant for dinner or dessert.  Or, if you prefer, a picnic at a picturesque spot.

2.  Decide when you will schedule Date Night. For at-home Date Nights, examine your weekly routine, and find the time when a Date Night activity at home can be added to the routine.  Do NOT let other activities get in the way of this intimate time together.  For monthly Date Nights out, set a routine night (e.g. the last Saturday of the month) and get it on the calendar.  Only make adjustments to your Date Night schedule for important events that cannot be scheduled on another day.

 Note:  Date Night may also be at lunch rather than dinner, depending on work and family schedules.  It’s the time for intimate conversation, not the time of day that matters.

3.  Decide who is in charge of planning  There are as many ways to divide the planning as there are types of marriages.  Here are some ideas to stimulate your thinking:

Planning monthly Date Night  

Work together to generate a list of restaurants that fit your budget and that you would both enjoy, then take turns picking a restaurant from the list and making the reservations, etc.  Be sure not to use this as a “gotcha” opportunity.  If you know your spouse is habitually forgetful about these kinds of things, then volunteer to be the one who always makes the reservation.  Or, if you have historically been forgetful about reservations, then you could use this as an opportunity to show your commitment to “date night”, your marriage, and your spouse.

When you generate the list of restaurants, also include other activities you could enjoy before or after dinner, such as a movie, a play, a concert, or a walk on the beach.   The secret is to always include a meal in a sit-down restaurant in order to create an atmosphere conducive to conversation.

Planning weekly Date Nights at home  

Generate a list of ideas that work for you, depending on the time of your Date Night (dinner, dessert, nightcap).  Then take turns executing your at-home date.  That is, take turns shopping for and making (or bringing in) dinner/dessert. Take turns setting the table or the cozy nightcap atmosphere.  Use the good dishes, play music, and, most importantly, turn off the television.  When it is your turn, avoid being too contrived, but do behave as if you have invited your spouse over to your place and take the lead, while allowing your spouse to help a bit.

Be sure not to use this as a “gotcha” opportunity.  If you know your spouse is habitually clumsy in the kitchen or very busy at a new job, let it be ok for him to bring in takeout.  You might volunteer to pick up something from the store or help a bit with the cooking.   And, if you’re the one known to stay out of the kitchen, then you could get out of your comfort zone and use this as an opportunity to show your commitment to “date night”, your marriage, and your spouse.

When you decide on the best format for your Date Night at home, be sure to make it doable, without much negative stress.  The point is to create a time for just the two of you to talk, relax, and show love and support for one another.

4.  Make a Special Effort to Get Ready for Date Night. It’s a date.  So, whether it is your at-home Date Night or your monthly Date Night out, invest some time in refreshing your personal appearance.  At home, take a few minutes to wash up, spruce up and present your best “at home, relaxed” self.  For going out, do a full date-night primp routine and have fun with it.

For example, have the husband get ready first, then he can take care of the dog, settle the kids, and/or go get the babysitter while the wife finishes getting ready, undisturbed.  You’ll be surprised how luxurious that can feel to a busy wife and how transformative it can be for her.  Whatever your relationship configuration, make sure Date Night preparation adds anticipation, not anxiety to your date.

5. Turn off your cell phone during Date Night. (except maybe to have the waiter take your picture).   If you have small children and are truly (not artificially) worried about your babysitter being able to contact you, then put your phone on Do Not Disturb and only let the babysitter call come through.  I repeat:  Turn off your cell phone during Date Night.

6. The most important tip of all is to plan your Date Night conversation. If you want to avoid slipping into a night of talk about the kid’s antics, the household chores, and other logistics, you must have conversational starters at the ready.  You also need to be adept at gently changing the subject when your spouse starts talking about laundry, carpooling, home maintenance, or grocery lists.

So, make a list.  And, yes, write it down.  Write it down and then either commit it to memory or have a cheat sheet in your pocket.  (You can’t put your list in your phone, because your phone is off, remember?)   You’ll find a full dinner’s worth of conversational ideas here.

After a while, inventive Date Night conversation will come more naturally.

Bottom line:  If you want to start dating your spouse….that is,  if you want to improve the level of intimacy in your marriage, then share this post with your spouse.  Talk about the importance of instituting or enhancing your Date Nights plans, and work it out.

And, Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop where we facilitate divorce, family, and civil mediation. We also use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative, psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses for groups or individual couples who want to stay married, restore the joy in their marriage, and keep date nights going forever!  We call this class “Let’s Stay Together!”

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

 ‘tis the season.  But how do you know the right gift to give your partner? 

Most gift givers assume that a more expensive present will be more appreciated, yet, receivers don’t appreciate expensive gifts more than other less expensive gifts.  And, that goes for gifts of clothes, wine, home décor, jewelry, and even the price of an engagement ring.

Research clearly shows that money can’t buy you love.  Instead, when it comes to gift giving, it truly is the thought (and effort) that counts.  

Or, said differently, expensive gifts can’t buy you love, but the right gift can.

So, how do you select the “right” gift? 

Selecting the right gift begins with the understanding that the gift you give – no matter the cost – communicates how you feel about the receiver and the relationship you share.  If you want your partner to receive a message of love, appreciation, admiration, and commitment, then you need a gift that makes that statement.

A good gift is tailored to the needs and desires of the receiver and also communicates a commitment to the relationship.

But the best gifts do all of that and more.  The best gifts also reflect effort and high levels of involvement.

For example, if your husband dreams of owning a sailboat and, like most of us, you can’t afford it, don’t buy him a toolbox or a new pair of running shoes.  Show him you want his dreams to come true.  Buy him a sailboat (and captain) for a day. Arrange with his boss for a day off, schedule child care, and buy him a pair of deck shoes.  Then, the two of you go for a day of sailing. Include a night sleeping on the boat, if your budget allows.   If that is too much, buy him a subscription to Sailing magazine, open a special “sailing” savings account, and start saving for next year’s rental or even boat ownership.  Just let him know his dream is your dream, too.

Or if your wife is a busy mother who longs for the romance and excitement of your early marriage but barely has time to blow dry her hair, don’t buy her a gold bracelet or the truly forbidden food processor (unless it comes with a cooking class in Italy).   If she longs to feel passionate again, show her she is still the woman you married. Buy her a day of luxury and romance.

Do all the planning. Book her into a resort spa, arrange for her to have a day off, arrange childcare, and schedule a massage, mani-pedi, facial, and blow-out (or whichever services you can afford).  Give her a new sexy top to wear with her black pants, and end with an overnight “date night” at the resort.  If that’s too much, give her the mani-pedi, send the kids to grandma’s, and prepare a romantic dinner at home.  Just let her know for sure that, to you, she’s not just a mom, she’s the love of your life.

If you can follow the spirit of these examples and create a gift tailored to your partner’s unique needs and desires, you should be able to send a strong message of love, appreciation, and commitment to your partner.  These types of gifts truly have a long-lasting “wow” effect and create wonderful holiday memories.

It truly is the thought and effort that counts.

Here’s another, less extravagant but still effective example.  Last year around Thanksgiving, my husband broke his favorite reading glasses.  He had a backup pair and could get along fine for a few weeks.  I could have easily ordered him a new pair of readers. But, I knew they wouldn’t be the same.  So, instead, I searched until I found an optometrist’s office willing to repair the old ones, wrapped the repaired glasses in tissue, and put them in his Christmas stocking.

When he unwrapped his repaired favorite glasses on Christmas morning, he said “This is way better than a new pair….how did you do it?”  And, I replied, “That’s the real present”.

Getting the glasses repaired was tailored to his needs and the effort showed my commitment to him and our relationship.  The effort also showed a high level of involvement (I had to do a lot of running around rather than just order something online).

Although my husband received other more expensive gifts last year, the repaired readers were his favorite because they told him the lengths I would go to make him happy.   In turn, he was happy with me.

Money didn’t buy that all-around happy feeling.  It truly was the thought and effort that counted.

Love is, after all, an action word.

Give all of this some thought and get creative. Make this the year you give your spouse (and anyone else) the best Christmas present ever.

Try sharing this post with your spouse to start a discussion about what you both might want most for yourselves and your relationship this year.  Talk about what it means to recognize that the best gifts are not the most expensive.  The best gifts are tailored to the receiver’s unique needs and desires, reflect effort and involvement on your part, and demonstrate your commitment to the person and the relationship you share. Then work it out so you have the best (and perhaps, least expensive) Christmas ever.

If you would like to give your spouse a private and fun marriage enhancement course, contact me and I’ll set it up for you. You’ll find me at Amity Mediation and Relationship Workshop, where we offer psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Sessions grounded in the Gottman Method. We call these “Let’s Stay Together” and offer them to happy couples who want to stay together forever.

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by Jamie C.  Williamson, PhD

Married couples who play together, stay together.  

But that doesn’t mean you should treat your marriage like a game.  If you treat your marriage like a game, you’ll get played and lose every time.

What this does mean is that couples who “play together” by engaging in fun, novel activities grow closer to each other, experience more positive emotions toward each other and their relationship, and as a result are happier and want to stay together.

Can it really be that easy?   Yes, it can.

Why Playing Together Helps You Stay Together

First, playing together in novel and arousing activities keeps you (and your spouse) from getting bored and your relationship from becoming a boring routine.

Boredom sacks the current joy out of your relationship and, if not addressed, leads to increasing dissatisfaction over time, the temptation to seek excitement outside the relationship, and/or ultimately the “we’ve just grown apart” explanation for divorce.

Second, playing together also helps you and your spouse connect the good feelings you experience during the activity to your overall relationship.

Third, participating in novel and arousing activities makes people feel happier in general, and when you are a happier person, you are more likely to be a happy partner and extend that positive emotion to your marriage and spouse.

How far do you have to go to keep you and your spouse out of a boring routine?

Off the couch, maybe.  But, not that far.

Go for a bike ride. Throw a football around. Take a walk on the beach or a canoe ride. Try a Stand-Up Paddle board.  A new restaurant.  Get to know other couples — new friends you make together.

Remember, marriage is not a game.  Both husband and wife are on the same side.

So be sure you aren’t keeping score.  If your wife “wins” because you agree to try something new that she recommended, you both win.

And, if your husband “wins” because you agree to try something new that he likes, you also both win.

Here’s a common example for football season (just remember, the point of the story is gender neutral)

If your husband really enjoys watching college football, learn to like it, too, rather than pout and try to make him feel guilty.  (You might have to pretend at first).  This will add a new activity for you to enjoy together.

In turn, he will naturally connect the fun he has watching the game with you to positive feelings about you.  As a result, he will be more likely to want to make you happy and will look for ways to do that – like take a cooking class, or run a 5-K, go with you to church, or start a weekly date night.

Husbands, keep in mind that if you initiate the weekly date night (for example), your wife will transfer her good feeling about that to you and, as a result, be more likely to want to look for novel ways to make you happy, as well.

The point is that if you want to avoid (or get out of) the rut of relationship boredom, you have to play together by engaging in novel and arousing activities.  It doesn’t matter who is ahead at the end of the first quarter.  You’re both on the home team.

Can the novel and arousing activities involve sex?

Sure.

But, you are unlikely to be any good at sex play, if you aren’t fully engaged with each other out of the bedroom.  And, if you suggest novel sex before you’ve shown a willingness to “get off the couch”, your effort will backfire.   First things first.

If you are starting to feel bored in your marriage, share this post with your spouse and talk about ways you can add some new activities or people to your life.   Discuss how the positive feelings you get from these new experiences will help you grow closer again, increase your relationship satisfaction, and decrease the likelihood that you will “grow apart” (or be tempted to find excitement elsewhere).

Pick a new activity and begin to work it out.  If your spouse won’t go along at first, try learning to like something your spouse already enjoys so you can do it together. Then, try to add something novel to you both.

And, let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we facilitate divorce, family and civil mediations.  We also use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative, psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses for individal couples who want to stay together, but restore the joy in their marriage.

Sign Up Now  to receive Dr.  Jamie’s “Work it Out – Relationship Tips”  emails packed with practical, helpful, and fun relationship improvement tips.

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By Jamie C Williamson, PhD

I’ve been working with couples who resolved to make one final effort to restore the happiness in their marriage. They sincerely want to try, but also don’t want to prolong the pain or keep rehashing the same tired arguments.

So, they begin by asking “How do we know if it is too late for us to save our marriage?”

That question can’t be answered in generalities because the “too late” threshold varies depending on the DNA of each individual marriage. But, certain types of negative interactions produce telltale signs that a couple is headed for relationship demise. These negative patterns are so toxic that they can (and often do) destroy a relationship.

John Gottman refers to these negative interactions as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. The worst of these is contempt.

Are these toxic interactions present in your marriage?

1. Criticism

Criticism is best understood when compared to a complaint. Complaints address a specific behavior, while criticism attacks a person’s character or personality.

Complaint: “I’m glad you’re home. But, the last hour has been hard on me. I get scared when you’re running late and don’t let me know. Can we agree that we won’t do that to each other?”

Criticism: “Well, you’re finally home…an hour late. You do your job. But, you can’t even show me the courtesy you would show one of your customers if you were running late. You’re selfish, self-centered, and never think of me.”

Don’t worry too much if this example of criticism strikes a familiar tone for you. A smattering of critical exchanges is common in marital relationships. But, criticism does leave your partner feeling rejected and hurt, which easily leads to a reciprocal negative response and the possibility of increased frequency of criticism between the two of you. And, if criticism becomes pervasive, it leads to other more toxic negative interaction patterns.

If you find that you and your spouse are starting to be more critical of each other, do the relationship work required to assess the source of your critical interactions and make the changes needed to reverse the negativity in your tone.

2. Contempt

Contempt is criticism on steroids. Contemptuous comments convey disgust and are truly mean. People who communicate with contempt treat their partner with disrespect and mock their partner with sarcasm, hostile joking, name-calling, or mimicking. These verbal insults are often accompanied by eye-rolling and sneering.

Contempt grows out of long-simmering negative thoughts about your partner, which often result from unresolved conflict.  What starts out as a simple complaint, sometimes repeatedly recurs and evolves into criticism. If the issue continues to surface and remain unresolved, partners get fed up. These feelings can fester and grow into generalized contempt – which shows up as an aggressive attack from a sense of superiority, with the purpose to demean the accused person.

Contempt: “Welcome home Hot Shot! You’re so important that you don’t have to follow the rules. You work late, hit happy hour after, and leave your family wondering if you’re dead or alive. What kind of example are you setting for our boys? You want them to think that this is how a “real man” treats his wife and family? I could use a “real man” around here.”

Contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. According to Gottman, it must be eliminated if a couple wants to avoid divorce.

3. Defensiveness

Defensiveness is a common response during conflict, particularly when people feel unjustly accused or when they want to provide an explanation or excuse for their behavior. Unfortunately, defensiveness rarely leads to conflict resolution because, rather than acknowledging that your spouse has a legitimate complaint, defensiveness devalues your spouse’s concern and shifts the blame to your spouse, as well.

Defensiveness: “You know I’m crazy busy. I didn’t text because you’re always on me not to text and drive. And, I didn’t call because I’d just get voice mail – you’re always “too busy” to answer my calls.”

This defensive response shifts the blame to the wife and will likely escalate, rather than defuse the conflict. On the other hand, a non-defensive response shows respect for the wife’s concerns and will likely quell the conflict.

Non-defensive Response: “Sweetheart, I’m so sorry. You are right. I should have texted as soon as I realized I was going to be late. I love that you worry about me, but you shouldn’t have to. I know this isn’t the first time and I promise I’ll do better.”

People often react defensively when they feel challenged or threatened. Keep in mind that
a soft complaint is more likely to produce a non-defensive response while harsh criticism is more likely to produce a defensive response and a negative spiral of more criticism and defensiveness.

If your spouse reacts defensively to what you meant as a complaint, your spouse probably heard the complaint as criticism. If this starts happening regularly in your relationship and you know there are outside pressures affecting one or both of you, just try to be patient and forgiving with one another. If there is no outside stressor affecting you or your spouse’s reactions to each other, then defensive reactions to a simple criticism could be a signal that the criticism is not as soft as you think or that there is an unresolved issue festering between the two of you. Try softening your criticism. If that doesn’t work, figure out what the issue is, and don’t let it fester too long.

4. Stonewalling

Stonewalling involves a lack of responsiveness designed to avoid repeated conflict and negative interactions. Rather than confront an issue or respond to their partner’s concerns, people who stonewall withdraw from interactions by tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or otherwise disengaging in the conflict.

Stonewalling rarely occurs in the early stages of a marriage. Instead, stonewalling emerges after criticism, contempt, and defensiveness become overwhelmingly negative enough to make stonewalling an understandable response. Once stonewalling emerges as a strategy to escape feeling flooded by negativity, it often becomes a self-protective habit that leads to emotional disengagement from the relationship.

Ironically, the more one spouse stonewalls in an effort to protect themselves against turbulent criticism and contempt, the more hostile the critical spouse becomes. When one spouse shuts down, the other becomes frustrated and tries even harder to be heard.

If they reach this stage, some couples start living lonely, parallel lives characterized by emotional indifference, peppered with occasional bouts of toxic negativity. Others experience a fiery meltdown and then divorce.  Hard to say which is more painful.

So, is it too late to save your marriage?

Think about the recent times you and your spouse had a disagreement. Did any of the Four Horsemen show their ugly heads?

Recognizing criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling is the first step toward eliminating them. But, to remove these negative communication patterns from your marriage you must learn and adopt new, productive communication patterns to use instead.

To get started, share this post with your spouse and have a calm, non-judgmental conversation about the lethal effect that criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling will have on your marriage if left unchecked. As you can see from this explanation, it takes two to create toxic communication patterns. It’s not about blame. Accept your part of the responsibility so your spouse will be more likely to do the same. Make a meaningful effort to “work it out”.

And, let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we are now authorized to use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses for couples who want to stay together and restore the warmth and friendship in their marriage.

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Happy people have figured out that it is not happiness that makes you grateful, it is gratefulness that makes you happy.

So, the trick to having a Happy Thanksgiving is simple: “Just Be Grateful” and, like this cornucopia, your holiday will be overstuffed with joyful thanks and generous giving.

Easier said than done, right?

After all, even David Steindle-Rast –  who coined the phrase “if you want to be happy, be grateful” – admits that obviously people cannot be grateful for everything.

Life happens.

Betrayal, hurt, disappointment, job loss, violence, death, disease, and family dysfunction are real. They cannot and should not be blithely ignored. They must be confronted, head on. And, time for acceptance and healing must be allowed. But, these misfortunes also must be kept in perspective. They are a part of life, not the whole of it.

So, in the face of life’s oh-so-real heartaches and stressors, how do you keep the pithy and affirming “Just Be Grateful” slogan from being trite and tiresome like “Just Say No” and turn it into something powerful and effective like “Just Do It”?

Consider this:

In his TED-Talk David Steindle-Rast suggests that the secret to being happy is not being grateful for everything that happens, but being grateful for each moment we are given.

Thinking this way, each moment becomes an opportunity to celebrate, to forgive, to understand to reconnect, to stand up, to love, to laugh, to let go, to welcome in, and to learn.

To “Just Be Grateful” we need to recognize the opportunities each moment provides us. But moments are fleeting and clouded by our feelings of loss, distrust, sickness, and hurt. How do we break through these emotional clouds and accept the moment we are given for the gift that it is?

Brother David suggests we adopt the “Stop, Look and Go with it” approach. And, it works for me, with a few modifications – today using the Thanksgiving Holiday as an example – I offer my Five Step Path to “Just Be Grateful”:

1. IDENTIFY WHAT IS TROUBLING YOU. What about Thanksgiving keeps you from being grateful? The preparation and work? The uncertainty of other’s behavior? The dread of dealing with your former spouse? Missing a loved one? The threat to your weight-loss goals? Loneliness?

2. CREATE STOP SIGNS. What physical sign or symbol can you put in place that keeps you focused on the moment of opportunity and not what is threatening you? Instead of drifting mindlessly into thinking about overeating, your Uncle’s political rantings, your co-parent’s faults, or your husband’s indifference to your hard work, create your own version of a STOP sign around your home that keeps you and yours focused on the initial purpose of a day of Thanksgiving. This will help you notice Thanksgiving Day as the special moment that it is, despite your concerns.  Here’s mine:

3. LOOK FOR THE OPPORTUNITY AND DEFINE IT YOURSELF. Does Thanksgiving Day give you the opportunity to apologize? To forgive? To reconnect? To be supportive? To show self-discipline? To abandon grudges? To embrace new family members? To show respect for your family elders? To honor those who have passed? To create new traditions? To help others feel included. To show your kids that you still care about their dad? To help less -fortunate others? To order in, stress less, and have more fun?

4. GO FOR IT! Act to take advantage of the opportunity you have been given. Claim the moment as yours. Act genuinely out of a sense of your newly defined purpose for the moment. Be grateful for this chance to learn, grow, make amends, support, show kindness, have fun, or make peace.

5. BE HAPPY.  Keep repeating steps 1-4 and you’ll get there.  It really is that simple.

President Abraham Lincoln seems to have understood the power of the “Just Be Grateful” philosophy when he created our national Thanksgiving Day holiday.

In the United States, Thanksgiving Day has two officially proclaimed purposes: To remind Americans of the need to thank God (however you envision God to be) for our “bountiful blessings” and to encourage prayer for the “full enjoyment of peace, harmony, tranquility, and unity”.

With humility, I’ve taken the liberty to paraphrase President Lincoln’s October 3, 1863 official (and rather wordy) Proclamation that established a national day of “thanksgiving and praise”. The announcement was written by then Secretary of State William Seward and signed by President Lincoln just a few weeks after significant Union victories forecasted the near end of the Civil War. Although the idea of a formal day of Thanksgiving had been around in various forms for 200 years, Lincoln was the first president to establish a national day of thanksgiving.

He did it to help unify the American family, torn apart by years of war and conflict.

Like Lincoln, you, too, could use Thanksgiving Day as the mechanism to work toward your own happiness and toward enhanced peace and harmony among your immediate and extended family members.

To claim this opportunity, follow the five step path to “Just Be Grateful”.

If your desire for family amity has been gestating for a while, I hope this Five Step Path to Gratefulness will fill you and yours with happiness one moment at a time.  Identify what’s troubling you, create stop signs, claim each moment for something good, act and go for the joy, peace, harmony, tranquility and unity you can create in those moments.

Before you know it “Just Be Grateful” will be your new philosophy of life. And, then just watch what happens to those around you – this affirming way of life is contagious.

Share this post with people you care about that need to learn how gratefulness creates happiness and that, surprisingly enough, you can be in control of what you do with your moments of opportunity, not the other way around. Try to Work it Out  together.

And, let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop where we embrace the “Just Be Grateful” philosophy and do Family Dynamics Mediation that can make your house feel like home again.

If you liked this blog post, SIGN UP NOW for Dr. Jamie’s “Work it Out – Insider” emails packed with Hot Topics and Relatable Insights, plus helpful (and fun) relationship tips and insights.

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by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

So, you’ve been thinking that if you made it through the seven-year-itch, a mid-life crisis (or two), and your kids’ teenage years, you’d be golden, right?

Probably…. but maybe not.

Although the divorce rate is declining for couples under 40, the divorce rate is on the rise for older adults. These days, one of every four divorces in the U.S. is a “gray divorce” – a divorce involving people over 50+ ending a long-term marriage.

According to the Pew Research Center, for adults 50 and older the divorce rate has roughly doubled since 1990 and for those 65 and older the divorce rate has nearly tripled. As a divorce and family mediator at Amity Mediation Workshop, I’ve gotten to know many “gray divorce” couples. They often seek a pre-suit, pro se divorce without lawyers because they want minimal drama, minimal expense, and minimal heartache for themselves and their partner, who they still care for deeply.

When the nest becomes empty, older couples with children often find they have very little in common. They focused on their children’s lives to the detriment of their marriage relationship and wake up one day realizing that they relate well together as Mom and Dad, but are not in tune with each other as Husband and Wife. For older couples without children, the similar realization that they are basically living like “roommates with benefits” is often delayed until they both retire.

Clearly, some long-term married couples seem immune to the dynamics of married life and steadfastly retain a healthy relationship throughout all the changes and challenges that naturally come to a long-term couple. Others experience the ups and downs and even consider divorce, but find a way to re-ignite the feelings that brought them together as a couple and they, too, stay together.

Still others look across the breakfast table at their spouse (who seems like a relative stranger) and think “how did this happen to us?”.

They aren’t angry. They are sad. They simply don’t want to live the next 20-30 years in an unsatisfying marriage that does not meet their emotional needs. With great reluctance, they conclude that divorce – and the fresh chance it offers – seems like the better option.

Stay Golden with These 4 Habits 

Protect your marriage against this “gray divorce” phenomenon by adopting these four habits that will to keep your marriage golden, even when you’re gray.

(1) Treat your marriage as the foundation of your family. If you allow your marriage relationship to erode in the early years, you, your spouse, and your children will feel insecure, unsettled, and tense. Without deliberate care and attention, a once intimate, loving marriage could become conflictual and distant. Even if this type of distressed marriage survives until children are launched or careers have ended, the kids will likely be troubled and the couple will likely opt for divorce as a relief from their unfulfilling relationship.

When it comes to family priorities, put marriage stability first, whether you are a family with children or without.

(2) Create a long-term goal and work toward it together. Young adult couples are less likely to divorce if they are well educated. So, it makes sense for you both to earn a degree or a trade specialization. Older adult couples, however, are less likely to divorce if they are financially secure. This means that unhappy older couples who can least afford to establish two households in their later years, are the ones most likely to separate.

This trend seems counter-intuitive at first. But, it makes sense when considering that financial security typically results from shared commitment to a long-rang plan. Unless one or both members of a couple come from wealth or receive a substantial inheritance, to achieve financial security they must define their financial goals and form a joint commitment toward them, whether the goal be home ownership, college funds, debt reduction, a beach house, a 5th wheel, or a dream retirement. Enthusiastically working toward shared goals like these requires constructive discussions about conflicting priorities. But, at the same time, establishing shared goals creates shared interests, a joint commitment, mutual respect for each other’s effort and contribution, and reasons to celebrate your success – all components of a satisfying marriage…all something worth striving for and holding on to.

(3) Be your best physical self. Contrary to popular belief, gray divorce is rarely connected to male sex enhancement drugs that allow men to satisfy younger women. But, this doesn’t mean that physical appearance isn’t important to physical intimacy for older husbands and wives. According to research conducted by Karl Pillemer, author of “30 Lessons for Loving: Advice from the Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships and Marriage”, taking care of your physical appearance is important to keeping sexual intimacy alive in your marriage.

Fortunately, satisfied older married couples don’t expect their partners to conform to an unrealistic, unnatural standard. Instead, they expect each other to show affection and make the most of what they’ve got. So, create and work toward a shared goal to stay fit and healthy, clean up each day even when you’re just hanging out at home, hold hands, kiss regularly, and every once in a while, share passion and physical pleasure any way you still can, whether that’s dancing on the kitchen floor, rolling like thunder under the covers…or anything in-between.

(4)  Be your partner’s best friend. A romantic spark ignites initial attraction and typically continues to burn through courtship and only the first few years of marriage. Couples who have shared interests and a true friendship are the ones most likely to stay married and thrive when that romantic flame becomes embers and then, eventually only fades.

The single most distinguishing characteristic between happy couples and distressed couples is that happy couples are more likely to be best friends and actually treat each other as best friends would.

These married friends truly enjoy each other’s company and embrace their partner’s interests. They routinely create opportunities to be together doing activities they both enjoy and alternate between each other’s favorite activities. So, if your husband loves to watch college football, get excited about the game. If your wife loves musicals, buy her a season pass to the local Broadway series. Take exercise walks. Ride bikes. Plan trips and travel together.

Do everything together? Of course not. But, develop some shared interests that you both enjoy, even if you must fake it at first.

To sustain a life-long marriage, show an interest in what interests your spouse and treat each other with mutual respect. When you are upset by something your spouse has done, focus on the friendship and not the incident. Talk to your spouse as you would your best friend. That is the single most important habit of couples who remain golden, even when they are gray.

So, the first moment you begin to feel alone in your own home…. or the next time you worry whether your marriage will last your lifetime, remember these four habits of couples who stay golden, even when they are gray. Ask yourself if you have adopted these habits. Then, share this post with your partner and focus on the changes you both need to make in order to stay golden and “Work it Out”.

Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation and Relationship Workshop, where we now offer psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses for couples who want to stay together and restore the warmth and friendship in their marriage.

We also conduct Divorce Mediation for couples who have decided that divorce is their best (and maybe only) option, but want an amicable process that allows them to remain friendly and avoid expensive litigation.

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

There are four signs that signal a progressive, downward relationship spiral leading to divorce.   But, you can learn to recognize these cautionary signals and take a detour that will put you back on the path to a long, satisfying marriage.

Which couple are you?

This week I met two young couples.  Both couples have been married for about four years.  Both couples are loving parents of a toddler.   Both parents in both couples are gainfully employed in professional jobs that provide health insurance and retirement benefits.  Both couples seem to “have it all”.

But yet, they are distressed.

Amy and Brian are heartbroken because no matter how hard they both try, they can’t seem to stop having the same fights over and over again.  In contrast, Lisa and Mike feel angry because they each see their marital problems as the other’s fault and they have given up trying to talk about it because talking just leads to another fight.

From the outside looking in, these couples seem similar. Both couples experience a lot of conflict and feel distressed.  But for Amy and Brian there is still a high likelihood that they can bring the joy back to their marriage if they quickly take steps to turn their relationship around.  For Lisa and Mike, the chances are slim because they’ve gone too far down the wrong road.

Four Signs You Could Be Headed for Divorce

1. You view your relationship problems as severe.  You started out as flovers (lovers who are also best friends).  But, now you notice that conflict is more frequent and has taken on a negative tone, especially for major issues that keep recurring.  This negativity then begins to bleed over into other aspects of your life, as well.  But, still you are turning toward each other to work things out.
2. Talking things over seems useless. You begin to blame the other for your relationship problems and your relationship talk is characterized by complaints, sarcasm, reciprocated negative feelings, and problem escalation or flooding the conversation with multiple criticisms.  You start to turn away from each other and try to solve the problems individually, rather than as a couple.
3. Spouses start leading parallel, but separate lives. To reduce conflict and tension, and to get some perspective on the relationship, spouses avoid talking about their relationship or issues other than those topics that surround their daily routines.  When other issues do come up, the intense conflict, criticism, and even contempt return.  So, you and your spouse begin to keep your distance and to live more like polite roommates than the intimate flovers you once were.
4. You feel alone in your own home. When communication is restricted to routine matters peppered with the inevitable eruptions of intense conflict, there is little intimacy exchanged between spouses.   You may go through the motions of your daily routine and family life, and may even continue to have sex.  But, your marital intimacy has been replaced, at best, by cordial indifference or, at worst, controlled hostility that lies barely under the surface and frequently erupts.

Where is the Point of No Return?

Couples like Amy and Brian can more easily reverse the downward trajectory because they noticed the first warning signs of relationship distress.  Either on their own, or with the help of a psycho-education course like “Let’s Stay Together”, they have a good chance of restoring the intimacy and happiness in their marriage.

Couples like Lisa and Mike, who continued to ignore the warning signs, have likely reached a “point of no return” or will have a rougher road back to each other than they would have if they had noticed the early warning signs that they were possibly headed to divorce.

If you’ve been seeing the early signs that you are on the road to divorce, try starting a conversation about how to become flovers again.

If you think you might have reached the “point of no return” in your marriage, try starting a civil conversation about your choices:  Are you both willing to try the rough road back to each other or, if not, can you dissolve your marriage amicably before you hurt each other and your children even more.  Granted…that’s a hard conversation to have.  But, I’ve seen couples who thought divorce was inevitable find their way back to each other.  And, ironically, I’ve also seen many miserable couples build a better life for themselves and their children through divorce.

Whether you are seeing the early warning signs or afraid you are reaching the point of no return, share this post with your spouse, start a conversation to discover the right road for you,  and work it out.

Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we (a) deliver our own “Let’s Stay Together – Marriage Refresher Course” – a private psycho-educational course delivered in a workshop-for-two format that serves couples who want to stay married, but also improve their relationship and (b) Divorce Mediation for couples that have decided to divorce but want to remain friendly and reach an agreement that serves the needs of all involved, especially the children.   If you aren’t sure, we can help you figure that out, too.

I’m a Gottman Leader authorized to deliver the Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work Couples Program and to use the Gottman Relationship Checkup when working with couples trying to decide if they have reached a “point of no return”.    I’ll help you work it out. 

If you liked this blog post, SIGN UP NOW for Dr. Jamie’s “Work it Out – Relationship Tips” emails packed with practical, helpful, and fun relationship guidance that you can use to make your relationships work. 

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by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

You might be surprised to learn that stubbornness in marriage is a good thing.

Some spouses try to create a happy marriage through grand romantic gestures like sending flowers, planning romantic dinners, champagne at sunset, or wearing sexy lingerie. Special plans like these do go a long way toward creating a terrific date night or memorable summer vacation, but they are woefully inadequate for sustaining a happy marriage.

Other, more enlightened spouses realize that love is an action word that is best demonstrated by frequent small gestures.

These spouses understand that a happy, love-filed marriage involves daily actions that sustain intimacy, commitment, and passion. Robert Sternberg used these concepts to articulate his powerfully descriptive Triangle Theory of Love.

I use this theory to help couples understand that to sustain a happy, loving marriage over a lifetime they must continually and intentionally:

(1)  Remain open and responsive to one another and act like (not just say) they are best friends with their spouse;

(2) Touch and show physical affection and passion toward each other, recognizing that the frequency and type of sex evolves with the length of the relationship and throughout the aging process; and

(3) Demonstrate their commitment to each other and their relationship by consistently behaving positively to each other and being dependable, especially when it counts.

Happy, well-adjusted couples understand that they need all three sides of the Love Triangle to sustain a happy marriage.

In fact, they make it look easy.

Clearly, this kind of approach to marriage does make day-to-day life easier and more pleasant, in part, because relationship intimacy, commitment, and passion fuse together to create a Teflon-type protection against routine ups and downs.

But, when real challenges enter a marriage, spouses must show commitment “on steroids”!  To sustain a marriage through life’s big challenges, couples must be stubbornly persistent.  And it also helps to take a marriage refresher course, to prove it.

Some big challenges are invited, like raising children and building a career. Others are unwanted, like illness, job loss, alcoholism, or a big mistake.

But what it takes to sustain a happy marriage through both invited and unwanted marital challenges is good, old-fashioned stubbornness.   That is, couples must want to stay together and be unwilling to accept any other outcome.

Judy C. Pearson author of Lasting Love: What Keeps Couples Together, included in her book an explanation of the value of stubbornness provided to her by Larry Constantine, who at the time was the editor of Lifestyle and a professor of family studies.

Mr. Constantine explained that in this context,

“Stubbornness is a quality which keeps people hanging in there when problems seem to defy solution, when logic or fear or pain might otherwise lead them to quit”.

Relationship professionals like me often talk and write about the value of commitment in a lasting relationship. But I think Constantine was on to something when he said that the important, but complex concept of commitment “pales beside the adrenaline of real stubbornness when it comes to sustaining a vital relationship”.

So, this year on your summer vacation go ahead and display a grand romantic gesture, as it will create a happy memory and earn you some relationship points.  Go ahead and profess that your spouse is your best friend, your lover, and your soul mate all wrapped up in one.  But, if you really want your spouse to feel the love, repeat the promises you made on your wedding day and turn them into daily actions that enhance intimacy, fuel passion, and, especially, demonstrate commitment.

Or you could channel Colbie Caillat and sing “I’m never gonna walk away…. always gonna have your back”.   (Or maybe you might just want to have this cued up on your phone.)

Whatever way you declare your love this summer, why not share this post with your spouse and talk about the importance of being stubbornly committed to your marriage?   Then, when times get tough (and they will), you can remind each other of your promise to be stubborn.  If you are already in tough times, maybe these ideas will help you “work it out”.

Let me know if I can help.

I am a FL Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and Couples Counselor who is part of the Gottman Referral Network.  You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop where we offer “friendly divorce” mediation and a private, psycho-educational  “Let’s Stay Together” Marriage Refresher Course to help couples deepen their intimate connection, work out any current issues, and master the essential habits of couples who stay happily married for a lifetime.

This built-for-two workshop makes a great present because it shows you are stubbornly committed to your marriage.

Click here to check it out:

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Divorcing couples do move through predictable and understandable stages of divorce, each associated with different practical concerns, emotions, and typical behavior patterns.

But, divorce initiation often begins with a seemingly calm, barely detectable phase.   You have to pay close attention or it will catch you by surprise.

Most explanations of the phases of divorce ignore this all important first phase experienced by the person initiating the divorce.   Instead, the typical list of divorce phases focuses on the emotional phases experienced by the person responding to their spouse’s request for a divorce.

A common explanation of the stages of divorce characterizes the divorce as the “death” of the relationship and draws on Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s well known writing about the Stages of Grief to explain that people typically go through 5 stages of loss and recovery as a result of the divorce: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

You’ve likely read these models before.  And, because they can be useful when helping individuals understand their reactions to the divorce, I created and use one of these grief models, too.

My explanation of the phases of divorce includes the following 7 Stages of Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce.  (Notice this model focuses on the final outcome (recovery) not the initial feeling (grief).

Depicting the life-rebuilding process in linear stages can help people know what to expect to experience when they go through a divorce and it can help people understand their own and their partner’s feelings and behavior.  These stage models help people realize that they are experiencing a normal response to a major life-changing event.

Do people go through the stages sequentially? 

Not typically.  Individuals generally move through all of the Stages of Rebuilding After Divorce over time; but, during this challenging time of transition individuals often move in, out, and around the stages as they work toward the process of acceptance and rebuilding their lives.   If individuals get “stuck” in one of the stages, they can seek help from a therapist or family mediator in order to move beyond that stage.

Do spouses experiences the stages at the same time?

Not often.  Usually the initiating spouse is ready to divorce and the responding spouse is reluctant to give up on the marriage.  Some are unwilling to divorce unless forced to do so.

The responding spouse often perceives the initiating spouse as indifferent or unfeeling, with comments as “you don’t seem so sad….you don’t seem to care at all”.  And, in some cases that could be accurate.

More often, however, the initiating spouse has actually cautiously contemplated divorce for some time and, as such, worked through most of the initial emotional stages of divorce BEFORE overtly introducing the topic of divorce to the responding spouse.  This happens in the relatively calm, Contemplative Phase of divorce that often goes unnoticed by the responding spouse.  Yet, it also often leads to divorce initiation and engenders the emotional stages of divorce and rebuilding.

The Calm, Undetectable Contemplative Phase of Divorce

When basically well-adjusted people begin to think about divorce, they typically experience a great deal of cognitive dissonance associated with balancing their personal needs and desires with their competing desire to uphold their commitment to their spouse, their marriage, and for some, their children, as well.

So, they do a lot of thinking.   They have moved beyond denial and experienced anger and sadness.  They assess what they appreciate and dislike about their marriage, their spouse, and how their spouse treats them.  They consider whether or not they would be justified in ending the marriage.  They consider how life would actually be better (or worse) if they were divorced.

Paradoxically, when people truly begin to contemplate divorce, they often are on their best behavior.  They haven’t decided what they want and realize that in the end, they could decide they truly want to stay married.  So, they don’t want to initiate conflict or degrade the marriage relationship, and they don’t want to send the signal that they are contemplating divorce, in case they change their mind.

When an individual moves out of the Contemplative Phase of Divorce and actually introduces divorce as a topic of conversation, the responding spouse is often, understandably shocked.  After all, the initiating spouse seemed happy, they weren’t having much conflict, and their day-to-day routine was running smoothly.  The initiating spouses did a good job covering up while contemplating divorce.  But, this left the responding spouse with little reason to suspect that divorce was on the horizon.  In addition, the initiating spouse seems unfeeling or indifferent to the responding spouse because the initiating spouse has already worked through anger and sadness to determine, although reluctantly, that divorce is inevitable, perhaps even desirable under the circumstances.

Transformative divorce mediation can help the responding spouse understand the Contemplative Phase, reflect back on the initiating spouse’s behavior, and retrospectively recognize when their spouse moved through the initial emotional stages of divorce.  That realization makes it easier for the responding spouse to work cooperatively with the initiating spouse through the acceptance and rebuilding phase of life after divorce.

If you and your spouse are struggling with the emotional Stages of Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce, share this post and try to work it out.   You may want to consider transformative, divorce mediation that will help you remain amicable while you work through your issues and reach agreement on how you will build a stable, but separate future for yourselves.

If you think your spouse might be in the Contemplative Phase of Divorce, share this post as a way to initiate a conversation about whether or not you are both happy in your marriage.  You might be surprised how often, with an early intervention, couples can work it out.

Either way, let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we provide the “Lets Stay Together” Marriage Refresher Course for couples who want to try to make their marriage work again and Divorce Mediation for couples who have decided to divorce, but want to do so amicably.

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

I’ve said it a thousand times, but people still don’t believe me.     

Conflict can actually be good for your relationship.

Conflict can lead to greater understanding. Conflict can clarify similarities, differences, and preferences. Conflict can help couples learn how to deal with future conflict. And, perhaps most importantly, conflict can make it clear where efforts to communicate can and should be strengthened.

Surprisingly, conflict can be good for your relationship even if you occasionally behave badly (but not abusively) during the conflict….. as long as you master the art of the true apology.

Sure, using a conflict style that would be considered “constructive” creates a more pleasant conflict aftermath. Constructive styles that involve a concern for your partner and your relationship include tactics like collaboration or compromise, which often help resolve conflict and set the stage for forgiveness.

Likewise, using a conflict style that would be considered “destructive” creates a less pleasant conflict aftermath. Destructive styles that show little concern for your partner or your relationship include tactics like competing or avoidance, which rarely lead to peaceful resolution or forgiveness.

Your conflict style influences the conflict aftermath, for sure. But, what can make an even bigger difference is an effective apology.

What constitutes an effective apology?

First and foremost, avoid the “pseudo-apology” that goes something like this:  “I’m sorry you can’t take a joke” or “I’m sorry you are so upset” or “I’m sorry you just don’t understand”.

These statements are NOT apologies, they are critical statements that imply that your partner is overly sensitive rather than that you made a mistake.   Pseudo-apologies lead to more conflict, and, if used often enough, severely deteriorate the quality of a relationship.

In contrast, offer a “true apology”.

The five key attributes of a true apology include:

1. Be earnest and sincere, and not rushed.
2. Acknowledge specifically what you did wrong and state that you take responsibility.
3. Explain what happened, but do not offer excuses. An excuse negates the apology.
4. Offer to make amends or promise to change.
5. Ask for forgiveness.

Here’s an example:  Husband Stays Out Late with Co-Workers Without Calling Wife

Husband’s Pseudo apology: Fine. I’ll call home to “mommy” next time. I’m sorry you don’t understand how important it is for me to socialize with my co-workers.

Husband’s True apology: I am so sorry that I stayed out so late without calling to let you know I was ok and what was going on. I know you were worried about me and didn’t want to embarrass me by calling me when I was with my work friends.  I didn’t want leave the group to call home, but I could have easily texted you. And, I should have done that. I promise I won’t let it happen again. Please forgive me.

It isn’t hard to see the difference that a true apology would make in shaping the aftermath of this common couple conflict.  

Try it yourself. You’ll be amazed how disarming a true apology can be. But, also remember, there is an art to the true apology. Knowing when to deliver a true apology is almost as important as knowing how to do it.

Be careful not to overdo it. Apologizing too often for insignificant infractions or things you are not responsible for diminishes the impact when you make a true apology. However, a true apology that is given freely and sincerely, when needed, will turn the aftermath of conflict into an afterglow of relational healing.

If your relationship could benefit from the use of true apologies, share this post with your partner, promise to help each other practice apologizing, and you will be surprised how often you can “work it out”.

Let me know if I can help.  You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, LLC 

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Wondering how to improve communication in your marriage?  Frequent problems don’t ruin a marriage.  But, ineffective communication can.  So, you might need to improve communication in your marriage before it’s too late.

If it seems that all you and your spouse do is fight about money, the kids, sex, and not making enough time for each other, then you’re in good company.

The majority of married adults with children in the United States frequently report these topics as issues of distress and dissatisfaction in their marriage.  Some also add “interference from in-laws”, “jealously over previous relationships”, and “no time with friends”.

Troubling as they are, however, these issues are not the ones most likely to lead to divorce.

Instead, “ineffective communication” is more likely to lead to divorce more than any of these other common issues.  In fact, ineffective communication is the most common cause of divorce in America today.

How can that be?

Except for the very young and naïve couples, most people enter into marriage expecting ups and downs associated with finances, raising a family, and supporting each other’s dreams. They know that there will be times when one or both of them is too tired, too preoccupied, or too old to want frequent sex.  They know there won’t always be enough money to go around. And, they know their families well and know how to predict how their extended families will interfere or try to manipulate them.

None of this comes as a surprise to most married couples in the U.S. today.   But, what does come as a surprise is that they lack the emotional intelligence and communication skills to work through these predictable issues in a satisfactory way.

As a result, extant research shows that Communication satisfaction influences marital happiness and satisfaction more than satisfaction with finances, ability to visit with friends and family, or sexual satisfaction.   That is, for example, couples who feel good about the way they talk through troubling issues about their sex life, are happier than those people who may have a better sex life, but have trouble sharing their feelings about it.   Likewise, couples who feel good about the way they work through their financial troubles together, have a stronger, happier marriage, than those couples who have more money, but less cooperative discussions about their budget and financial plans.

When a couple has both financial problems (or sexual problems, or…….) AND poor communication skills, then their level of distress can become a negative spiral that whips around their home and across nearly all topics in their relationship.

So, how do you develop the type of communication patterns that lead to communication satisfaction and higher levels of marital happiness?  First, you have to recognize the communication patterns indicative of marital distress when you see them. Then you can begin the skill-building work that will turn your current conflict into productive, satisfying, and relationally enriching conversations.

Dr. John Gottman, a well-known researcher and expert on the communication that leads to divorce, summarized over 25 years of research into the following list of communication behaviors that distinguish non-distressed, happy couples from distressed couples headed for divorce.

Characteristics of Non-distressed, Happy Couples

•  Partners are friends.
• Exchange more positive feelings
• Focus on each other’s positive qualities, good times, etc.
• Interact frequently
• Share power, rather than seek it.
• Engage in problem-solving communication
• Seek understandings that overcome gridlock
• Create shared meaning, values, attitudes, interests, traditions

Characteristics of Distressed Couples Heading for Divorce

• Exchange negative interactions
• Perceive that they have negative interactions
• More sarcasm
• More negative feelings reciprocated
• More complaints
• More interpretations of the other person’s behavior as negative
• Engage in “problem escalation” communication

If you and your spouse display the characteristics of non-distress, happy couples, you are to be congratulated.  And, as long as you stay friends and keep up these practices you and your family will likely remain happy, well-adjusted, and in-tack.

However, if you recognize that your marriage is rot with characteristics of the distressed couples heading for divorce, take swift and deliberate corrective action.

Our Marriage Revitalization sessions and programs provide an alternative to traditional marital therapy that appeals to couples who want to work out current issues and focus on building their future well-being, rather than stay stuck rehashing the past.  Using a practical, psycho-educational approach grounded in the Gottman Method, we help both distressed and happy couples deepen their intimate connection, work out any current issues, and master the essential habits of couples who stay happily married for a lifetime.

Check out our new  “Let’s Stay Together”  Marriage Refresher Course, which we customize and deliver in a built-for-two workshop format.  A Marriage Refresher Course can make your marriage work again.

Share this post with your partner and suggest that the two of you get help breaking these bad communication habits before you pass the point of impasse and no return.  It’s rarely “too late” for people who really want to “work it out”.

Let me know if I can help.

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

If you have decided that getting a divorce is the best (and maybe only) option that will promote your future emotional and psychological well-being, and that of your spouse and children, your next step is to determine which of the four paths to a legal divorce is right for you and your circumstances.

To decide which path will serve you best, answer the following questions:

(1A) If you have children, what type of divorced parenting partnership is in the best interest of your children.  For most people, the answer to this question is either “Facilitating Friends” or “Accommodating Allies”, both of which involve high levels of good will and cooperative communication.  Read more about types of divorced Parenting Partnerships here.

(1B) If you don’t have children, would you and your spouse like to remain on friendly terms?

If you want a friendly divorce, you could select from among the Do It Yourself,  Pre-Suit Pro Se (without attorneys), or the Pre-Suit, with Attorneys.

(2) How complicated are your financial circumstances?

Do you have customary assets like a home, car, bank accounts, and retirement accounts, as well as typical liabilities like a mortgage, car payment, and credit card bills? Or are your finances more complicated, involving a family business, a trust, or a complex investment portfolio?

If you have simple finances and no children, the Do It Yourself may work for you. If you have children and simple/moderately complex assets and liabilities to equitably distribute, then you could choose between Pre-Suit Pro se (without attorneys), or Pre-Suit, with Attorneys. If you have a highly complex mix of assets and liabilities, you may best be served by an Attorney Driven divorce.

(3) What amount of family resources are you able or willing to invest in the divorce process?

The Do It Yourself divorce is the least expensive, but comes with the need to complete complicated forms and work through emotional issues on your own.   If your finances are simple AND you and your spouse are detail oriented, well organized, have a high level of good will for one another and excellent communication and conflict resolution skills, then the DYI option may work for you.

The Pre-Suit Pro Se path (a friendly divorce without lawyers) is also relatively inexpensive.  For example,  fees for a friendly, Pre-Suit, Pro Se divorce at Amity Mediation Workshop on Florida’s Emerald Coast range from $1,400 to $3,000, depending on the complexity of your assets and whether or not you have children.

For this moderate cost, in the Pre-Suit  Pro Se option your mediator facilitates the emotional discussions and empowers you to reach mutual agreement on all of your current issues. The mediator also prepares your Marital Settlement Agreement , Parenting Plan, and Child Support Guidelines Worksheet.   Many mediators, like those at Amity Mediation Workshop, also include assistance with document preparation and Family Law Forms.  This type of one-stop shop helps simplify and de-stress the divorce process.

The Pre-Suit with Attorneys path is more expensive than a divorce without lawyers, but also typically less expensive and less adversarial than an attorney driven divorce.  Along this path to divorce, attorneys guide their clients’ decision making, but work in a collaborative manner with each other. The mediator  works directly with the parties to help them resolve issues and create their Marital Settlement Agreement.

The Attorney-Driven path to divorce is the most expensive and will vary by lawyer and region. According to Lawyers.Com , the average attorney fees for a divorce in Florida are $10,700 and the average total cost of a Florida divorce with attorneys $13,500.   The costs range depending on whether or not children and complicated assets are involved, as well as how acrimonious and protracted the process becomes.

(4) How quickly would you like to complete the divorce process so you can start building a stable future for you and your children?

The DYI divorce could be the quickest, if you have limited/no assets, no children, no problem completing the forms, and high levels of good will and cooperation with one another.

The Pre-Suit Pro Se friendly divorce without lawyers typically involves a one-hour planning session and two weekly 2-to-3 hour mediation sessions.  This means that by utilizing a mediation practice like Amity Mediation Workshop you could resolve all of your issues and be ready to file for a non-contested divorce in about one month.

The Pre-Suit with Attorneys path stretches over a longer time period than the Pre Suit, Pro Se, in large part due to the attorneys’ scheduling and the time they need for advance consultation and preparation with their client.  Still, this path is much quicker than the Attorney Driven path.

The Attorney-Driven path to divorce takes the longest .  According to Lawyers.Com, the average duration of the attorney-driven divorce process in Florida is 15 months and ranges from 7 to 30 months, depending on attorney schedules, the complexity of the case, and the amount of acrimony that creeps into the process.

So you decide.

If you are like most (but certainly not all) people, a Friendly, Pre-Suit Pro Se divorce may be your best option:

1. You want to remain friendly with your spouse, especially if you will continue being Parenting Partners.
2. You have typical assets and liabilities that can be equability distributed without complicated legal transactions.
3. You would rather reserve family resources so that you and your spouse have the money you need to start over and build a stable future for yourselves and your children.
4. You would rather move forward deliberately and begin building a happy, stable future rather than be stuck in limbo for a year or more rehashing the past.

At Amity, our guiding philosophy of civility and a friendly approach to facilitating conversations permeates our mediation work. And we embrace an optimism about what people can do with and for each other if they are simply willing to focus on finding solutions that are good for them AND for the others involved in their issues, especially children.  

We know that most couples and families truly value peaceful resolution of issues with as little hurt to those involved as possible.  We hope couples and families can stay together. But, our goal is to help people eliminate distress in their relationships and maintain peace, whether they stay together or not.

Our approach supports and guides individuals as they work to settle their differences and define for themselves the future of their relationships. If you have decided to divorce, share the Paths to Legal Divorce graphic with your spouse. Decide which option is best for you.  Then, start to Work it Out.

And, let me know if I can help.

P.S.   Deciding whether or not to get divorced is excruciatingly difficult. If you are struggling with that question, and need help working through the decision-making process, read my three-part series titled Should I Stay or Should I Go?

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Around Father’s Day traditional and new media produce pithy articles about the characteristics of great fathers.  These lists typically include valuable advice like: spend time with your children, discipline with love, be a role model for good behavior, teach your kids to appreciate what they have (don’t be an ATM), read to them, play with them, listen to them, always put their interests first, and be sure to show that you love and respect their mom.

Each of these insightful suggestions have merit but sometimes they create a conundrum for even the most devoted fathers.  For example, how does a busy Dad balance investing ample time with his children with investing quality time in his relationship with their mother – his wife?

Too many women contemplating divorce tell me that their husband is a great dad, but no longer a great husband.

Recently one brokenhearted mom lamented that her husband does his share of the work at the house and spends a great deal of quality time with their children, but pays very little attention to her.  She gets home from work first, and when he gets home, he always greets the kids before he greets her.  He’s affectionate with the kids, but shows little affection to her (except in bed).  He compliments his daughter’s appearance, but rarely hers.  He plans fun family activities, but never an evening out with her.    She feels like she has a great co-parenting relationship and a disappointing, empty marriage.

I listened to these concerns knowing that if her husband doesn’t learn to balance being “a great dad” with being a “loving husband”, he will soon be a divorced dad planning visits with his kids, rather than coming home to them and his wife each day.

And, I listen knowing that in situations like this one – where the dad has the best of intentions but is missing the mark – the “fix” isn’t that difficult.   In most cases, the devoted Dad is more clueless than truly insensitive. He would never intentionally demoralize his wife and certainly doesn’t want to be divorced.  So, I suggested that the wife should try to initiate a collaborative conversation about this common, solvable problem.

For the most successful outcome, avoid putting your spouse on the defensive by picking the right time for initiating the conversation and by using a Soft Start-Up.

Address the issue directly and head-on, but still use a Soft Start-Up that includes a complaint, but not criticism or contemptuous accusations.   Here’s the difference:

Complaint – focuses on a specific behavior and addresses the specific infraction your spouse made.

Example:  You are such a great Dad.  You do more than your share of work around the house and you spend time with the kids on their homework and just playing with them.  They adore you.  And, so do I.  I would really like for us to find a way to have more quality time together.  I know if may sound a bit selfish, but I need to feel like your wife, not just their mother. 

 Criticism – is the complaint plus a negative comment about your spouse’s personality or overall character

Example:  You are such a great Dad. You spend plenty of time with the kids.  But, you just don’t get it.  You never think to pay that kind of attention to me.  Don’t you care about my feelings?

Contemptuous accusation – fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about your spouse and conveys disrespect and/or disgust through sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, hostile humor, etc.

Example:   You are such a GREAT dad.  Too bad you are such a lousy husband.  People say I’m lucky to be married to a man that helps out so much and spends so much time with the kids.  But, they don’t know that you are not really a man to me.   If you don’t start paying attention to me, I’ll find someone who will.

It isn’t easy to turn a conflict about needing more attention from your husband – or any other topic – into a collaborative conversation you are both comfortable having.  Partners need to have a positive disposition about each other to be willing to participate openly and respectfully (rather than defensively).  This is most likely to happen if the initiator choses  the “right time” for the conversation – meaning you are both calm and able to focus – and use a Soft Start-up.

You also have to be open to considering your partner’s opinions, ideas, motivations and preferences.  For collaborative conversations to work, you have to be willing to back away from strident views. You have to be willing to listen to, and be influenced by, your partner.   This does not mean that you have to agree with each other, but rather accept the other’s point of view as valid and understandable, under the circumstances.  This is the point where you seek more to understand than to be understood, and move out of conflict into a productive conversation about how to resolve your issue.   Which, in this case, is how to inject a bit of romantic love back into your marriage.

Collaborative Conversations require the willingness to bring up a touchy subject.  But, when the possible outcome can make your marriage work again, the payoff is worth the effort to overcome your nervousness, learn the soft-start up, and “work it out”.

Let me know if I can help.

by Jamie C.  Williamson, PhD

Sometimes divorced parents must sacrifice their own desires to act in “the best interest of the children”. 

Here’s an example.  My neighbor is a divorced Mother in an exemplary co-parenting relationship with the Father of her children.  This is his week to be with their kids.  He’ll have them all week until Saturday at 6 p.m. when he will take them to their mom’s house so they can wake up with her on Mother’s Day. That’s his Mother’s Day gift to her and to his children.

This is an obvious, appropriate choice for most of us. And, of course, she does the same for him when Father’s Day falls on her weekend.

Do they want to cut their parenting time short? Of course not!  But they will because they know it is in the best interest of their children to have a strong, loving relationship with both their Mom and their Dad.

And they are right.   In most cases (and there are obvious exceptions) the “best interests of the child” include having a close, loving relationship with both parents.

Ideally, all children would grow up with parents who worked together (whatever the family configuration) to ensure and encourage their child’s physical and mental well-being, happiness, security, intellectual growth, and socio-emotional development.

But, accomplishing this ideal requires a great deal of effort and self-sacrifice in the best of circumstances.  And it can be particularly difficult for parents who are contemplating divorce, in the middle of a divorce, or already living separate lives.  How do these parents balance their own happiness and well-being with their children’s best interests?

Florida Family Law Statutes 61.13(3) codify the factors that determine “the best interest of the child” in child custody disputes and the courts consider an amalgamation of these factors when making decisions about custody.  One key example is the demonstrated capacity and disposition of each parent to facilitate and encourage a close relationship with the other parent.  And there are 19 other considerations including, the developmental needs of the child, the parent’s capacity to be involved in the child’s school and extracurricular activities, and the demonstrated capacity of each parent to act on the needs of the child as opposed to the needs of the parent.

Fortunately, parents can also consider these criteria on their own or during mediation to work out a parenting arrangement that is in the best interest of their children based on their own unique circumstances.

This week I learned of a divorced mother who agreed to relocate to where her children’s Father was being transferred so that her children could have a meaningful relationship with their Dad.  I also learned of a divorced mother who plans to remain living near her children’s dad, rather than move out-of-state with her fiancé.  She’ll have a long-distance new marriage so that her children won’t lose regular and frequent contact with either of their parents.

These are exemplary Mothers, who — without a court order — agreed to sacrifice their own self-interest to do what they know is in the long-term best interest of their children.  And, of course, there are many other divorced mothers whose choices were less dramatic, but the outcome is still the same.  These Moms cooperatively adjust their own schedules to share parenting with their children’s Fathers in various arrangements that serve the best interest of their children.

Let’s applaud all parents (and parent surrogates) who make sacrifices on behalf of their children every day.   Let’s give a special ovation to those divorced parents who sacrifice their own self-interests so that their children can have a relationship with both of their parents.

If you’re struggling to decide what type of parenting plan is in the best interest of your children, you might find mediation as an amicable way to “work it out”.   Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we facilitate Divorce, Family, and Civil Meditations.  We also conduct co-parenting psycho-educational sessions that provide divorced co-parents with a tool kit for handling conflict and a safe place to learn new ways to communicate with each other. We help co-parents discover the Co-Parenting Partnership Type that is right for their circumstances and set them on a path toward building a stable future, rather than be stuck rehashing the past.

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Like most actions in a close, intimate relationship, trust follows the “norm of reciprocity”.  You will trust your partner, if you sense that your partner trusts you, and visa versa.

What this means is that, if you act overly jealous or suspicious, you will not likely end up in the place of your dreams with a trustworthy partner. Instead, you’ll engender defensive responses from your partner and likely start down the very road you wanted to bypass.

The best way to discover if you can truly trust your romantic partner is to behave in a trustworthy manner, and also demonstrate that you trust your partner, as well.

If you do this, and your partner reciprocates by behaving in a trustworthy manner and by demonstrating trust in you, then you know your relationship is built on a solid foundation of predictability, dependability, and faith – the three building blocks of trust.

But, of course, for this trust norm-of- reciprocity to operate, you have to know how to demonstrate that you are trustworthy, so you can model if for your partner.

To demonstrate that you are trustworthy, you need to be predictable, dependable, and faithful.

Are you predictable?   Do you keep your partner guessing about your mood or your feelings?  Are you kind one day, insensitive the next?  Do you display and withhold affection to get your way or punish your partner?

If you answer “yes” to any of these or similar questions, your partner will be unlikely to trust you completely and to be “all in” when it comes to behaving in a consistently positive manner toward you.

Are you dependable? Do you call when you say you will call? Do you do you part of the household chores when you are getting ready for guests? Do you take care of the kids when your spouse is sick? Do you do your part without being asked or reminded?  Do you anticipate your partner’s needs and meet them, without expecting something in return?  Are you “there” for your partner?

If you can answer “yes” to these types of questions, then your partner likely thinks of you as dependable. If not, your partner probably wishes you would change.  These issues probably create conflict in your relationship and your partner may be thinking of trading you in for a grown up.  If you don’t want that to happen, learn to be more dependable so your partner can count on you and build trust in you.

Are you faithful? Do you openly and frequently express how you feel about your partner to your partner and others in your family and social circle?   Do you take the time to listen to your partner’s concerns, even when you are involved in your own issues?  When out at a party or with others, do you behave in ways that let your partner know you are loyal?  Do you avoid doing things that you know would hurt your partner’s feelings?

Or do you just do what feels right to you and expect your partner to just deal with it?

If you answered yes to this last question, then you are probably sending signals that your partner cannot trust you to be continually responsive and caring. You are communicating to your partner that you care more about your own fun, comfort or popularity than you do about your relationship.   This will erode your partner’s trust in you and discourage your partner from being trustworthy, as well.

If you are having trust issues in your relationship and want to “work it out”, remember that if you demonstrate that you are predictable, dependable and faithful, you will strengthen the trust your partner has for you and, in turn, encourage your partner to be more trustworthy.

Make this “norm of reciprocity” work for you.

And, let me know if I can help.

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

One of the main reasons people in contemporary western culture get stuck in what I call the Contemplative Phase of divorce is that the purpose of marriage itself has evolved over the last few decades, leaving people confused about what they value most from what should be the most valuable relationship in their life.

They can’t distinguish their sense of obligation from their once loving commitment. They can’t figure out how their best friend became a stranger.  They desperately want to be happy AND do the right thing.  So, they are left wondering, “how unhappy do I have to be in order to justify divorce?”

Ideal marriage is no longer characterized as a traditional (and very practical) exchange relationship, where the husband is head of the household and provides for the economic well being of the wife who keeps the home fires burning.   Instead, as more women earned college degrees, developed careers, and exercised their family planning options, men and women began to marry primarily for love, along with mutual interests, dual incomes (unless they decide otherwise), and shared decision making, parenting and household responsibilities.   

Today, the fairy tale marriage includes spouses who are lovers, friends, and committed equal partners.

Most couples know to expect temporary changes in their relationship due to work pressure, the introduction of children to the relationship, and other life events.  However, when couples experience a serious, long-lasting deficiency in the intimacy, passion, or commitment they once shared, they sense that their marriage love style has changed, prompting either or both of them to contemplate divorce.

Imagine it…..you took a vow. Made a commitment.  And, likely married someone who was once your best friend.  Things changed. You miss the loving relationship you once shared.  And, you have done all you know how to do to revitalize your marriage.   The improvements didn’t last.

So, now you wonder….

“How unhappy do I have to be in order to justify initiating a divorce?”

This post is the third and final post in a three-part series focused the way you and your spouse display intimacy, commitment and passion to create your Marriage Love Style, which can evole over time.  For more detail and the questions that help you assess your own relationship, read the first two posts in the Should I Stay or Should I Go series.

Robert Sternberg used the concepts of intimacy, commitment, and passion to articulate his powerfully descriptive Triangle Theory of Love, which illustrates eight Love Styles. I expand his theory by using the three dimensions of love and the Love Styles as a guide for making decisions about marriage and divorce.

Let’s review the Love Styles below, keeping in mind that each of the dimensions run along a continuum from low to high.  You can mark your level on a triangle, create your own unique marriage Love Style, and use the diagrams below to determine the Love Style that most closely matches your marriage.

Now, reflect back on your wedding day and the early stage of your marriage. What Love Style best characterized your marriage at that time?

What Love Style best characterizes your marriage now?

How has your marriage Love Style changed over time? (If you haven’t already done these assessments, you can find the questions here).

And, now the hard part.

First: Determine how your current Marriage Love Style impacts your level of satisfaction with your marriage. On a scale of 1 (very dissatisfied) to 7 (very satisfied). How satisfied are you with the current state of your marriage love style?

Second: Distinguish between your satisfaction with your Marriage Love Style and your own personal level of happiness.  For example, you could be experiencing a lower level of intimacy and passion than optimal, but you just adopted a baby and so, despite the change in love style, you are personally happy. Or your spouse just got a new job, so you understand why she is preoccupied and are happy being supportive during this change.   On the other hand, you could be experiencing a much lower level of intimacy and passion that has lasted a few years without a reasonable explanation. You’re married, but feel alone in your own home. As a result, you are personally very unhappy.

Third:  Identify the problem (even if it is you) and make changes. Make sincere attempts to reconcile differences and do all you know how to do to improve the relationship and prevent its failure. (Stay tuned for future blogs on this critically important step.)

Four: Revisit your satisfaction meter. Did your attempts to improve the relationship have a meaningful impact? Or does the relationship continue to cause you distress? Prevent you from growing? Demoralize you?

Five:  Decide and take deliberate action either way. If you are knowingly stuck in failed relationship, you are voluntarily choosing not to be as happy as you could be. And, be assured, you are selfishly keeping your spouse from being truly happy, as well. You’re both living the marriage equivalent of a glass half empty.  If you stay, know you have to commit to being  “all in”  or there is little chance you will restore the joy in your marriage or reach the red line on your own happiness meter.

This concludes our three-part “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” series. Please take the time to read all three posts and reflect carefully on the concepts and questions asked.  And, then decide what is best for you, your spouse, and your children, if you have them.

As you finalize  your decision, let me leave you with one of my favorite commentaries how to decide whether or not to end a marriage.  Leo Buscaglia penned it over 30 years ago, but it is timeless:

“The very measure of a good relationship is in how much it encourages optimal intellectual, emotional and spiritual growth. So, if a relationship becomes destructive, endangers our human dignity, prevents us from growing, continually depresses and demoralizes us — then, unless we are masochists and enjoy misery, we must eventually terminate it.  We are not for everyone and everyone is not for us.  The question is,  

“if we cannot be with another, can we at least not hurt them? Can we, at least, find a way to coexist?”

At Amity, we adopted a guiding philosophy of civility and a friendly approach to facilitating conversations that permeates our work. And we embrace an optimism about what people can do with and for each other, if they are simply willing to focus on finding solutions that are good for them AND for the others involved in their issues, especially children.  

We know that most couples and families truly value peaceful resolution of issues with as little hurt to those involved as possible.  We hope couples can stay together. But, our goal is to help people eliminate distress in their relationships and maintain peace, whether they stay together or not.

Our approach supports and guides individuals as they work to settle their differences and define for themselves the future of their relationships. If you are ready, share all of this with your spouse.   Then, start to Work it Out.

And, let me know if I can help.

Like our Facebook page to receive notices of future blog posts.

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Marriages have Love Styles. Some lead to fulfilling happy marriages.  Some lead to distress and divorce.   To understand these Marriage Love Styles, you have to first understand that love is an action word, not an emotion.  You and your spouse create patterns of action and inaction that constitute the character of your marriage and define the love you share.

This post is the second in a three-part weekly series focused on applying the concepts of intimacy, commitment and passion to decide whether or not you should initiate actions to rejuvenate your marriage or initiate actions to dissolve it.   The first post, Should I Stay or Should I Go? Part 1: Using a Love Triangle to Assess Your Relationship, introduced the concepts of intimacy, commitment, and passion, laying the ground work you need to assess your marriage.

Robert Sternberg used these concepts to articulate his powerfully descriptive Triangle Theory of Love, which illustrates 8 Love Styles. I expand his theory by using the three dimensions of love and the Love Styles as a guide for making decisions about marriage and divorce.

Let’s review the three dimensions of love that form the love triangle.

The Intimacy Dimension of Love represents the depth of the friendship you share with your spouse, how much you know about each other, support each other, and actually like each other.

The Commitment Dimension of Love represents the degree of dedication and/or obligation you feel toward your marriage, keeping in mind that dedication feels more voluntary to you than obligation, but they may look the same to others.

The Passion Dimension of Love represents the romantic affection you share with your spouse.  This romantic affection takes different forms, depending on age, physical capabilities, and length of relationship.  Nonetheless, physical passion remains an important dimension of marital love at all ages and stages of marriage.

For more detail and the questions that help you assess your own relationship, read the first post in the Should I Stay or Should I Go series.

The degree to which your marriage is characterized by Intimacy, Commitment, and Passion combine to illustrate your relationship’s Love Style.  In Western Culture, the ideal new marriage relationship has a Consummate Love style, which contains high levels of Intimacy, Commitment, and Passion.  Marriages that begin this way have the potential to be fulfilling, long-lasting relationships.

But, then life happens. The typical things: Kids, work obligations and stress, financial worries, no time or money for a date night, no time for your own interests.   Or more serious things: An illness, accident, or affair.

And, then, your ideal Consummate Love relationship changes.

For some, this evolution is a natural artifact of a maturing relationship.  Commitment remains.  But, intimacy and passion wane a bit while the couple works through the typical struggles associated with parenting, career building, and aging.  For others, the evolution results in a more dramatic change in their marriage relationship, represented by a substantial and distressing decrease in one or more of the love dimensions.

Review the Love Styles below, keeping in mind that each of the dimensions run along a continuum from low to high.  You can mark your level on a triangle, create your own unique marriage Love Style, and use the diagrams below to determine the Love Style that most closely matches your marriage.

Now, reflect back on your wedding day and the early stage of your marriage. What Love Style best characterized your marriage at that time?

What Love Style best characterizes your marriage now? (If you haven’t already done this, you can find the assessment questions here).

Then ask yourself:

Did your marriage begin as Consummate Love, with high levels of all three dimensions of love in operation? If not, why did you proceed with your marriage? Pregnancy?  Parental Pressure? All your friends were doing it?  What was your actual love style at the beginning of your marriage?

How has your marriage’s Love Style changed from the early days?

Did you move from Romantic Love to Consummate Love? ….which would likely mean your marriage is happier and more fulfilling than it was at the beginning, as it is for many couples?

Did you move from Consummate Love to Companionate Love?….which happens a lot to busy younger couples and also in mature marriages…..and indicates that you are married to your best friend, have enduring positive regard for one another, and enjoy sharing affection and regular sex, but not the intensely passionate “benefits” of the early days.

As explained in The Most Important F-word in Marriage May Surprise You, what allows married friends to remain happy through the inevitable ups and downs of marriage is that they treat each other as they would their best friend. They respectfully and directly address their solvable issues, seek to understand one another, and are willing to cooperate in having the difficult conversations needed to identify the hidden issues disguised by their conflicts.

Or, have you discovered that the degree to which your marriage includes one or two of these key dimensions is so low, that it actually seems completely missing? For example:

• Romantic Love is missing enduring commitment, but can still feel good in a marriage …for the moment. You are married to your lover, but he doesn’t do his part to uphold the daily commitments and obligations of your married life together. This is how serious dating relationships start…but a successful married life takes two people working together.
• Empty Love includes commitment, but is missing intimacy and passion. This is the most unfulfilling of all types of marital love and represents the difference between commitment and obligation. You and your spouse stay married, because you feel obligated, you see no viable financial alternative, or “for the children”. You’re married but you don’t share your thoughts and feelings and rarely, if ever, have sex. You stay married for all the wrong reasons and have likely been contemplating (or even plotting) divorce for quite some time.

Over the next week, keep thinking about the Intimacy, Commitment, and Passion dimensions of love.  Determine your Marriage’s Love Style. How does your Marriage Love Style impact your level of happiness?  Level of distress?  Check in next week to learn how you can put this assessment to use.

If you are ready, share your Love Style assessment with your spouse. Then, start to Work it Out.

And, let me know if I can help.

Like our Facebook page to receive notices of future blog posts, including Part Three of this three-part series.

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By  Jamie C.  Williamson, PhD

The most frequently asked question for me these days is “How do I know whether I should get divorced, or keep trying?” Sadly, many married people remain in this ambivalent “Should I Stay or Should I go” state for years.

During this time — which I call the Contemplative Phase of divorce – people go through the motions of their married life, but are not fully committed to investing in their marriage. It’s not rational, but to the person trying to figure out what to do, this state of ambivalence seems more comfortable (and preferable) than doing either the work needed to improve the marriage or mustering the courage to end it.

They just don’t know how to decide what to do. And, often they end up doing something to make their spouse miserable enough to initiate a divorce.

Problem solved, right? ……But, not really.

What if in the end, they figure out they didn’t really want a divorce? What if guilt haunts them because they know it is not appropriate or fair to make their spouse miserable so that they don’t have to take responsibility for their part of an unhappy marriage.

Don’t you just love third person pronouns? “They” might do this, but YOU wouldn’t….until you find your own confused, ambivalent, unhappy self wondering “should I stay or should I go”.

This post is the first in a three-part weekly series focused on applying the concepts of intimacy, commitment and passion to decide whether or not you should initiate actions to rejuvenate your marriage or initiate actions to dissolve it.

Robert Sternberg used these concepts to articulate his powerfully descriptive Triangle Theory of Love. I expand his theory by using the three dimensions of love as a guide for making decisions about marriage and divorce.

To get started, let’s examine the three dimensions of love that form the love triangle.

The Intimacy Dimension of Love represents the depth of the friendship you share with your spouse, how much you know about each other, support each other, and actually like each other.  Specifically, the Intimacy Dimensions emphasizes:

• Do you and your spouse share mutual support?
• Do you feel comfortable in your marriage relationship? Or do you feel alone in your own home?
• Can you and your spouse automatically count on each other in time of need?
• What is the breadth and depth of your communication with each other? Do you discuss a narrow or broad range of topics? Do you stay on safe, routine, task-oriented topics? Or do you talk about your feelings, ideas, hopes and dreams?
• Do you understand each other? Do you try to understand your spouse? Do you share enough so your spouse can truly understand you?
• Do you trust your spouse? Does your spouse trust you? Should your spouse trust you?

The Commitment Dimension of Love represents the degree of dedication and/or obligation you feel toward your marriage, keeping in mind that dedication feels more voluntary to you than obligation, but they may look the same to others. Specifically, the Commitment Dimension emphasizes:

• Do you have confidence in the stability of your marriage?
• To what degree are you committed to maintaining your marriage?
• How strong is your sense of responsibility to your spouse?
• Do you feel that your marriage is permanent, no matter what?
• Do you feel that getting married was a good decision?
• Do you devote ample time to your marriage?
• Do you make future plans for your marriage and family?
• Do you speak favorably about your spouse to your friends and family?

The Passion Dimension of Love represents the romantic affection you share with your spouse. This romantic affection takes different forms, depending on age, physical capabilities, and length of relationship. Nonetheless, physical passion remains an important dimension of marital love at all ages and stages of marriage. The Passion Dimension of Love emphasizes:

• Are you physically attracted to your partner? Is your partner physically attracted to you? Do you make an effort to be physically attractive to your partner?
• Do you want to be with your spouse sexually more than you want to be with anyone else?
• Do you feel that your partner is good sexually? Does your partner think you are good sexually?
• Does your partner stimulate you sexually?
• Are you and your spouse sexually close? Do you talk about your sexual relationship?
• When you talk about any difficulties in your sexual relationship, are you warm, compassionate, and supportive? Is your spouse?

If you are knowingly stuck in a state of ambivalence about your marriage, you are voluntarily choosing not to be as happy as you could be. And, be assured, you are keeping your spouse from being truly happy, as well. Unless you are “all in”, you condemn you and your spouse to the marriage equivalent of a glass half empty.

Over the next week, try thinking about the Intimacy, Commitment, and Passion dimensions of love. Rate your relationship on a scale of 1(low) to 10 (high) on each of the dimensions. And, check in next week to learn how you can put this assessment to use.

If you are ready, share the Intimacy, Commitment, and Passion questions with your spouse. Then, start to Work it Out.

Sign up to receive future blog posts, including Part Two of this three-part series.

And, let me know if I can help.