By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Most couples know they are supposed to have a regular “Date Night”.

Unfortunately, along the way, they let familiar routines and their life partner/parenting roles overshadow their ongoing need for novel activities and their role as romantic partners.  They just can’t seem to have a night out that doesn’t involve talking about the kids, household tasks, scheduling logistics, and, worse yet, complaints about one another.

Still, most women and men alike, long to recapture the pre-marriage, mid-courtship “date-night feeling”.  They remember when their conversation was comfortable and captivating, their mutual attraction was electric and palatable, and the night was filled with the promise of deepening their intimacy and providing a delightful escape from their daily routines and stressors.

Never thought date night was so important.  Think again.

This longing to recreate date-night intimacy could be related to a primal urge for survival.  There is a well-documented connection between the support that comes from a well-functioning intimate relationship and the personal well-being of the relationship partners.  Intimate relationships buffer partners from the negative outcomes associated with the stress due to life events like pregnancy, the birth of a child, job loss, illness, retirement, and, of course, routine daily stressors, as well.

It’s not just that intimacy adds to a marriage.  Lack of marital intimacy and satisfaction actually causes harm to the marriage and the marital partners.  Marriages (and other similar relationships) that lack intimacy and closeness tend to be unsatisfying, unstable, and highly conflictual. These relationships are associated with an increased risk of distress, physical illness, and poor psychological adjustment.

So, institutionalizing “date night” is not only fun, it can protect your marriage from deterioration and it can keep you and your spouse healthy, happy, and able to manage your life stressors.

If you think you are too busy for date night, then, according to relationship experts John and Julie Gottman, “you’re too busy”. 

Follow these 6 Tips for Successful Date Nights

1. Make “Date Night” affordable. Don’t allow date night to add financial stress.  Decide how much you can budget for your weekly date nights.  Your budget will determine the frequency and location of your dates.  Most budgets don’t allow for a weekly night out at a special occasion restaurant.  But, most budgets do allow for a weekly Date-Night dinner, late-night dessert, or glass of wine at home and a once-a-month Date Night out at a favorite restaurant for dinner or dessert.  Or, if you prefer, a picnic at a picturesque spot.

2.  Decide when you will schedule Date Night. For at-home Date Nights, examine your weekly routine, and find the time when a Date Night activity at home can be added to the routine.  Do NOT let other activities get in the way of this intimate time together.  For monthly Date Nights out, set a routine night (e.g. the last Saturday of the month) and get it on the calendar.  Only make adjustments to your Date Night schedule for important events that cannot be scheduled on another day.

 Note:  Date Night may also be at lunch rather than dinner, depending on work and family schedules.  It’s the time for intimate conversation, not the time of day that matters.

3.  Decide who is in charge of planning  There are as many ways to divide the planning as there are types of marriages.  Here are some ideas to stimulate your thinking:

Planning monthly Date Night  

Work together to generate a list of restaurants that fit your budget and that you would both enjoy, then take turns picking a restaurant from the list and making the reservations, etc.  Be sure not to use this as a “gotcha” opportunity.  If you know your spouse is habitually forgetful about these kinds of things, then volunteer to be the one who always makes the reservation.  Or, if you have historically been forgetful about reservations, then you could use this as an opportunity to show your commitment to “date night”, your marriage, and your spouse.

When you generate the list of restaurants, also include other activities you could enjoy before or after dinner, such as a movie, a play, a concert, or a walk on the beach.   The secret is to always include a meal in a sit-down restaurant in order to create an atmosphere conducive to conversation.

Planning weekly Date Nights at home  

Generate a list of ideas that work for you, depending on the time of your Date Night (dinner, dessert, nightcap).  Then take turns executing your at-home date.  That is, take turns shopping for and making (or bringing in) dinner/dessert. Take turns setting the table or the cozy nightcap atmosphere.  Use the good dishes, play music, and, most importantly, turn off the television.  When it is your turn, avoid being too contrived, but do behave as if you have invited your spouse over to your place and take the lead, while allowing your spouse to help a bit.

Be sure not to use this as a “gotcha” opportunity.  If you know your spouse is habitually clumsy in the kitchen or very busy at a new job, let it be ok for him to bring in takeout.  You might volunteer to pick up something from the store or help a bit with the cooking.   And, if you’re the one known to stay out of the kitchen, then you could get out of your comfort zone and use this as an opportunity to show your commitment to “date night”, your marriage, and your spouse.

When you decide on the best format for your Date Night at home, be sure to make it doable, without much negative stress.  The point is to create a time for just the two of you to talk, relax, and show love and support for one another.

4.  Make a Special Effort to Get Ready for Date Night. It’s a date.  So, whether it is your at-home Date Night or your monthly Date Night out, invest some time in refreshing your personal appearance.  At home, take a few minutes to wash up, spruce up and present your best “at home, relaxed” self.  For going out, do a full date-night primp routine and have fun with it.

For example, have the husband get ready first, then he can take care of the dog, settle the kids, and/or go get the babysitter while the wife finishes getting ready, undisturbed.  You’ll be surprised how luxurious that can feel to a busy wife and how transformative it can be for her.  Whatever your relationship configuration, make sure Date Night preparation adds anticipation, not anxiety to your date.

5. Turn off your cell phone during Date Night. (except maybe to have the waiter take your picture).   If you have small children and are truly (not artificially) worried about your babysitter being able to contact you, then put your phone on Do Not Disturb and only let the babysitter call come through.  I repeat:  Turn off your cell phone during Date Night.

6. The most important tip of all is to plan your Date Night conversation. If you want to avoid slipping into a night of talk about the kid’s antics, the household chores, and other logistics, you must have conversational starters at the ready.  You also need to be adept at gently changing the subject when your spouse starts talking about laundry, carpooling, home maintenance, or grocery lists.

So, make a list.  And, yes, write it down.  Write it down and then either commit it to memory or have a cheat sheet in your pocket.  (You can’t put your list in your phone, because your phone is off, remember?)   You’ll find a full dinner’s worth of conversational ideas here.

After a while, inventive Date Night conversation will come more naturally.

Bottom line:  If you want to start dating your spouse….that is,  if you want to improve the level of intimacy in your marriage, then share this post with your spouse.  Talk about the importance of instituting or enhancing your Date Nights plans, and work it out.

And, Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop where we facilitate divorce, family, and civil mediation. We also use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative, psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses for groups or individual couples who want to stay married, restore the joy in their marriage, and keep date nights going forever!  We call this class “Let’s Stay Together!”

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Fall is the time when trees remind us how important – and beautiful—it can be to let things go.

Trees let go of their leaves to save energy and protect themselves from damaging conditions. As the days grow shorter, trees sense the natural loss of light. In fact, trees can detect changes in daylight of as little as a half an hour. When trees sense the threat of colder temperatures and less sunshine, they undergo chemical changes that causes their leaves to shift from a green pigment to the colorful yellow, orange, and red we associate with autumn’s unique beauty.  Then, the leaves fall.

Lovely as this all is, it happens because, as the days grow shorter, trees block the veins that move water to the leaves. Once a leaf is completely choked off, it is detached from the tree. The trees know that letting go of the leaves is necessary if they are to cope well during winter and thrive in the spring.

So, how do you make like a tree and let go of what is draining your energy and threatening your ability to thrive?

Follow these 5 steps. 

1.     FACE REALITY. Identify the aspect of your current or past circumstances that drains your energy, keeps you agitated, and threatens your overall happiness. Many people have more than one bad experience, loss, injustice, betrayal, disappointment, personal regret, or broken relationship that troubles them. To get started on letting go, focus first on the concern that is most central to your identity, whether that be your marriage, your job, your kids, your X, some unjust treatment, or an unfortunate past event.

2.      ASSESS YOUR REASONS FOR HOLDING ON.   What do you keep telling yourself that justifies holding on to something or someone that brings you no joy, drags you down, or is toxic for you? What causes you to fixate on and try to reinvent the past? What rationale do you use to deny reality, sustain your delusions and prolong your ability to let the heavy burden go? Read these common examples. Then be honest with yourself and write down your own story.

a.   My inattentive husband will show more affection to me if I just lose these 20 pounds I gained since we got married.

b.   I got screwed. They moved me down here and then fired me due to downsizing. I thought my boss was my friend. But, all he cares about is the bottom line. Sure, they gave me a severance. But I have a house I can’t afford and a wife and four kids to support. So, I’m unemployed for no fault of my own. How dare they do this to me.

c.  My wife is an ungrateful, angry person (to put it nicely). So, when she starts complaining, I just start drinking so I can tune her out and give her something to really be mad about.

d. My unmarried, college-educated daughter ruined her life having a baby with a guy who is not remotely good enough for her. She supports herself but still expects me to treat her the same and to be a real grandpa to that child of hers. It all makes me sick, angry and sad. I can’t believe she embarrassed me and threw her life away. I just can’t pretend it’s all ok. It never will be.

e. He cheated on me. He and his tramp destroyed my family and shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it. I’m going to get a cut-throat lawyer and make him pay for all he has done to me and the kids. I keep telling everybody what he did to me, so he’ll be treated like a pariah and our kids won’t want to be around him.

3.    REFRAME YOUR REALITY.   Rephrase the way you think about your situation and acknowledge your personal power and responsibility for your own happiness and peace of mind. In other words, face the facts. Delusional thinking and denial involve a misplaced sense of personal power. On the one hand, when people distort the reality of their relationships or life circumstances, they are accepting the belief that they have the power to change the past and/or to change others – which, of course, they do not. Nobody does. On the other hand, when people manufacture these types of distortions, they also are embracing the belief that they have no power to change themselves or their reactions to the people or past events in their lives – which of course, they do. Everybody does.

Face the facts. Then try reframing your response to that reality, so that you are the hero of your story, not the victim. Write your new story down using something like this:

a.   My husband is indifferent to me and has been for some time. Rather than accept the blame for his lack of interest in our marriage, I am going to tell him that he has two choices: Either enter marriage mediation with me or I will leave him so that I will be free to enter a new relationship with someone who truly loves me, just the way I am.

b.   Losing my job sucked on so many levels. And, it almost broke me both financially and emotionally. But, I know it was a business decision and not personal. I’ll use my severance to start a new career where I won’t have to travel so much. In a way, they did me and my family a favor. We sure learned what is most important in life: each other.  Now it’s my job to make sure we stay optimistic and get through this together.

c.   My wife is an unhappy, disgruntled person who is impossible to please. And, no matter what I do, she will remain unhappy until she decides to change herself. All of this drinking is very unhealthy for me. Rather than become a miserable alcoholic and blame her for it, I am going to leave her, file for divorce, and when the time is right, find a kind, optimistic person to share my life with.

d.   My daughter made choices that I believe are mistakes. No matter how much I wish things were different, I can’t change the fact that I now have a grandson and neither can she. I’m proud of her for accepting responsibility for her son. She is a loving and hardworking single mom. If she can do it, so can I. I will show her that my love for her is unconditional and that I can be a role model for my grandson.

e.   My husband was unfaithful to me, which is not ok. But, I know his stepping-out was just a symptom of the problems in our marriage. We were both unhappy. I will stop whining because, in a very real way, he did me a favor. Now I am free to find someone who will really love me. And, the kids will eventually be happier because they won’t hear us fighting all the time. I will encourage them to have a close relationship with their dad. We can have a friendly divorce that will make co-parenting easier and allow us all to be less stressed out all the time. I can do that for my kids….and for me.

4.    FORGIVE THOSE WHO HURT YOU, INCLUDING YOURSELF.   Reframing your story is an important step on the climb up to the high ground of forgiveness. Forgiveness challenges most people because they feel that if they let go of their anger they are either giving up or giving in. But, forgiveness is neither of these. Forgiveness releases you from the hold others have on you so you can truly let go of your hurt, anger, disappointment, embarrassment, or shame and focus on living out your new, much happier story line.

Forgiving others makes it possible to stop constantly re-igniting your anger about being deeply hurt, unjustly treated, used, or abused. Forgiving yourself, while also making amends to those you wronged, liberates you from the self-imposed shackles of shame, embarrassment, guilt, and remorse.

Forgiveness frees us all from the futility of trying to change things we cannot change. Forgiveness – for yourself or others – brings out your vibrant colors, cuts off the water supply to your pain, and allows the spent leaves of the past to fall gracefully to the ground. Forgiveness is NOT giving in, it is letting go. Forgiveness restores your positive energy, improves your ability to cope, and makes it possible to prepare for and thrive in your new life.

 

5.    FOCUS ON IMPROVING THE PRESENT.  Accept  personal responsibility for letting go of the coping strategies that drain your energy and keep you from thriving. Take advantage of the lessons learned and wake up every day determined to boldly face the facts and replace your denial and delusional thinking with acceptance and an authentic assessment your reality. Decide once and for all to change the way you respond to your circumstances. Write down and consistently repeat your revised story that makes you the hero, even if only because you are creating a second chance for yourself. Dream about and set goals for a stable, happy future. Commit to and plan for making progress on those goals each day.  Make a list.  Cross at least one thing off each day.

You CAN let go.

And, when your leaves of anger, resentment, disappointment, and heartache fall away, you will be much stronger and ready to prepare for your own delightful spring.

Henry David Thoreau described it this way in his journal entry for October 29, 1958:

“Nature now, like an athlete, begins to strip herself in earnest for her contest with her great antagonist Winter. In the bare trees and twigs what a display of muscle.”

Letting go shows your strength.

And, letting go makes you stronger.

 

If you are  finding it hard to let go of an unsatisfying relationship or something from the past that drains the joy from the present,  print this post, do some serious introspection, follow the five steps, and change your life for the better.

If it’s a current relationship that troubles you,  share this post with your partner, face reality, and decide together how to either let go of the past, or let go of each other.

And, let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop on Florida’s Emerald Coast where we do Marriage Mediation, Family Dynamics Mediation, and Divorce Mediation. We’ll help you let go of the past, focus on the future, re-calibrate the colors of your life, and remain on friendly terms, whether you stay together or not.

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Special thanks to Roger Di Silvestro of the National Wildlife Federation Blog for helping me learn why leaves fall from trees in autumn and to my friend Kathryn Fraser at Fraser Studios for her professional consultation on the media for this post.