By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

People in long-term relationships make mistakes. The impact your partner’s mistakes have on your relationship depends largely on how you make sense of why they behave as they did.  We call this an “attribution” of cause.

And, what you see as the cause when your partner makes mistakes depends mostly on what you look for.

Attributions for Simple Everyday Mistakes

Let’s say your partner made a simple, everyday life kind of mistake like arriving late to pick you up.  There are four basic casual attributions you could make for this mistake, and they vary as having resulted from Internal vs External causes and from Stable versus Temporary causes.

My Partner was late because:

1. …he is an inconsiderate jerk (Internal, Stable attribution)
2. …he forgot to set his alarm (Internal, Temporary attribution)
3. …his old car broke down again (External, Stable attribution)
4. …he got stuck in traffic (External, Temporary attribution)

People in healthy, satisfying relationships routinely make External, Temporary attributions (#4 – a temporary situation he did not cause) for their partner’s mistakes.  These attributions reduce distress about the mistake and promote the well-being of the relationship over time.

People in distressed relationships are more likely to make Internal, Stable attributions (#1 – a negative character trait) for their partner’s mistakes.  These attributions exacerbate the stress about the mistake and erode relationship satisfaction over time.

Attributions for a Serious Mistake 

Let’s consider a serious life-event stressor:  Scott gets fired from his high-paying, work-from-home job because he is not actually working the hours he reports on his timesheet.  Lori, who works outside the home, is upset because Scott lost his job (and income) and because he lied to his boss and her about the amount of time he was working.  Scott has profusely apologized.

Lori contacted me for help in deciding what to do.  First, I acknowledged that it was wrong for Scott to submit a false timesheet to his boss and that his apology seems heartfelt.  Then, I explained that the relationship impact of this mistake will depend largely on Lori’s attribution for the cause of the mistake.

I created a diagram showing four different explanatory attributions and asked her which one best explained why she thought Scott was working fewer hours than he reported to his boss and to her.

My partner filed a false timesheet because:

1. …he is lazy and always tries to cut corners. (an Internal, Stable Attribution)
2. …he didn’t pay close attention to the rules and assumed that when working remotely if he got the job done, he should report full-time hours. (an Internal Temporary Attribution)
3. …his stupid company didn’t provide written instructions to the remote sales force. (an External, Stable Attribution)
4. …to camouflage the fact that he was stuck chauffeuring the kids around and taking care of more responsibilities at home while things were crazy for us (an External, Temporary Attribution)

If Lori believed that Scott filed a false timesheet because he is lazy and always tries to cut corners, and she reacts to Scott’s job loss through that lens, then Scott’s mistake will likely lead to severe relationship distress, regardless of how many times he apologizes. Lori won’t hear his apology, because, in her view, the job loss is due to Scott’s negative character trait – laziness.

But what if Lori chose to believe that Scott had good intentions, even though he did the wrong thing?  She could attribute his mistake to an External, Temporary cause (#4) and determine that he was just trying to keep too many balls in the air – to keep his compensation high, while taking on more family responsibilities, ultimately to make things easier for Lori.

Bottom line: 

When your partner makes mistakes, what you see depends on what you look for.

If you find yourself looking for external, temporary causes for your partner’s mistakes, then you will see the positive intentions in your partner’s behavior, even though you acknowledge the mistake. This will make it easier for you to accept your partner’s apology and to cooperate in finding a solution to a serious mistake.

This pattern signals a healthy relationship, likely to survive the mistake and make you closer once you’ve worked together on the solution.

If you find yourself looking for internal, stable causes for your partner’s mistakes, you will see selfish motives for your partner’s behavior, blame your partner for the negative impact on you and your relationship, and resist cooperating in finding a solution.

This pattern signals relationship distress that needs to be addressed.  You’ll have several options, depending on your level of overall relationship dissatisfaction.

Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, LLC, where we specialize in “friendly divorce” mediation and marriage revitalization sessions and programs using a practical, psycho-educational approach grounded in the Gottman Method. I also speak frequently on relationship topics and author the blog “Work it Out”  and write a monthly column for PCB Life Community Newspaper. 

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we facilitate Divorce, Family, and Civil Meditations.  We also conduct co-parenting psycho-educational sessions that provide divorced co-parents with a tool kit for handling conflict and a safe place to learn new ways to communicate with each other. We help co-parents discover the Co-Parenting Partnership Type that is right for their circumstances and set them on a path toward building a stable future, rather than be stuck rehashing the past.

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Most marital conflict is unsolvable.  In fact, according to renowned relationship researcher John Gottman, 69% of marital conflicts are perpetual problems that couples will never resolve. Only 31% of the problems in marriage are solvable. This is true for both happy couples and unhappy couples.

So, it is not the presence of on-going problems that makes couples unhappy.  It is the way the couples talk about perpetual problems that distinguishes between happy and distressed couples.  Happy couples learn to cope with perpetual problems rather than let the on-going issues infect their relationship.  Distressed couples rehash the same issue over and over again and allow those conflicts to erode their relationship.

This does not mean that couples should ignore or avoid perpetual problems. Ignoring the issues will not make them go away.  If the issue is important, pretending that it doesn’t matter will eventually create emotional distance between you and your partner, lead to resentment, and begin to negatively impact your entire relationship.

The good news is that most couples can learn to manage their perpetual problems once they recognize them as unresolvable on-going issues that they need to cope with rather than situational conflicts that can be resolved.

So, what’s the difference between Solvable Problems and unsolvable, Perpetual Problems?

In the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman explains that Solvable Problems are situational and tied to specific circumstances where a solution to the problem is possible.  Once the problem is resolved, couples can move on and not have to address it again.  In contrast, Perpetual Problems are on-going because they are rooted in differences in personality, beliefs, values, and hidden feelings.

Examples of perpetual, unsolvable problems include:

• One person is neat, the other is messy.
• One person is a spender, the other a saver
• One person is punctual, the other typically runs late
• One person wants to spend more time with friends, the other wants more couple time.

How do couples cope with Perpetual Problems?

First, accept the fact that problems, differences of opinion, and mismatched expectations are normal and inevitable in couple relationships. This realization helps couples keep the issue in perspective, rather than blow it out of proportion.

Second, look for the hidden feelings behind your partner’s behavior or point of view.  For example, if Tyler routinely fails to help with the housework, Maria might feel abandon – left on her own to take care of their home, like her single Mother was.  When Maria complains to Tyler about his laziness or lack of support, he might feel like she is trying to control him, which makes him feel like a scolded child instead of the man of the house.  

Third, have a conversation (not a fight) about the issue.  Pick the right time, the right place, and start with soft, respectful tone. Ask your partner to please listen because this is important to you. Speak honestly about your position and what it means to you. Describe your feelings and where they come from. Discuss your position and explanation for it, without criticizing your partner or blaming your partner for your feelings.

If you are the listener, seek to understand your partner rather than think about your rebuttal. Encourage your partner to explore his/her feelings and preferences. Do not evaluate your partners’ feelings and desires or mention any reason why they are impractical or unimportant.  Show empathy and truly try to understand. Then, switch roles so that the listener now describes his/her position and the feelings behind it.

Fourth, use your new understanding to find ways to cope with the issue with respect, cooperation, and humor.  In the Tyler-Maria example, this might include jointly making a list of the chores that need to be done over the weekend. Divide the chores and agree to do those allocated to you. Praise each other for what got done. Tease each other about what didn’t get done. And, set another deadline for what didn’t get done.  Do not do each other’s chores unless the other sincerely requests help due to unexpected circumstances.

If you can follow this approach to coping with inevitable Perpetual Problems you will be much more likely to retain (or regain) and stable, happy marriage.

Let me know if I can help.  

Want to talk about it?

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, LLC, where we specialize in “friendly divorce” mediation and marriage revitalization sessions and programs using a practical, psycho-educational approach grounded in the Gottman Method.  I also speak frequently on relationship topics and author the blog “Work it Out”.   

By Jamie C Williamson, PhD

I’ve been working with couples who resolved to make one final effort to restore the happiness in their marriage. They sincerely want to try, but also don’t want to prolong the pain or keep rehashing the same tired arguments.

So, they begin by asking “How do we know if it is too late for us to save our marriage?”

That question can’t be answered in generalities because the “too late” threshold varies depending on the DNA of each individual marriage. But, certain types of negative interactions produce telltale signs that a couple is headed for relationship demise. These negative patterns are so toxic that they can (and often do) destroy a relationship.

John Gottman refers to these negative interactions as the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse: Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. The worst of these is contempt.

Are these toxic interactions present in your marriage?

1. Criticism

Criticism is best understood when compared to a complaint. Complaints address a specific behavior, while criticism attacks a person’s character or personality.

Complaint: “I’m glad you’re home. But, the last hour has been hard on me. I get scared when you’re running late and don’t let me know. Can we agree that we won’t do that to each other?”

Criticism: “Well, you’re finally home…an hour late. You do your job. But, you can’t even show me the courtesy you would show one of your customers if you were running late. You’re selfish, self-centered, and never think of me.”

Don’t worry too much if this example of criticism strikes a familiar tone for you. A smattering of critical exchanges is common in marital relationships. But, criticism does leave your partner feeling rejected and hurt, which easily leads to a reciprocal negative response and the possibility of increased frequency of criticism between the two of you. And, if criticism becomes pervasive, it leads to other more toxic negative interaction patterns.

If you find that you and your spouse are starting to be more critical of each other, do the relationship work required to assess the source of your critical interactions and make the changes needed to reverse the negativity in your tone.

2. Contempt

Contempt is criticism on steroids. Contemptuous comments convey disgust and are truly mean. People who communicate with contempt treat their partner with disrespect and mock their partner with sarcasm, hostile joking, name-calling, or mimicking. These verbal insults are often accompanied by eye-rolling and sneering.

Contempt grows out of long-simmering negative thoughts about your partner, which often result from unresolved conflict.  What starts out as a simple complaint, sometimes repeatedly recurs and evolves into criticism. If the issue continues to surface and remain unresolved, partners get fed up. These feelings can fester and grow into generalized contempt – which shows up as an aggressive attack from a sense of superiority, with the purpose to demean the accused person.

Contempt: “Welcome home Hot Shot! You’re so important that you don’t have to follow the rules. You work late, hit happy hour after, and leave your family wondering if you’re dead or alive. What kind of example are you setting for our boys? You want them to think that this is how a “real man” treats his wife and family? I could use a “real man” around here.”

Contempt is the single greatest predictor of divorce. According to Gottman, it must be eliminated if a couple wants to avoid divorce.

3. Defensiveness

Defensiveness is a common response during conflict, particularly when people feel unjustly accused or when they want to provide an explanation or excuse for their behavior. Unfortunately, defensiveness rarely leads to conflict resolution because, rather than acknowledging that your spouse has a legitimate complaint, defensiveness devalues your spouse’s concern and shifts the blame to your spouse, as well.

Defensiveness: “You know I’m crazy busy. I didn’t text because you’re always on me not to text and drive. And, I didn’t call because I’d just get voice mail – you’re always “too busy” to answer my calls.”

This defensive response shifts the blame to the wife and will likely escalate, rather than defuse the conflict. On the other hand, a non-defensive response shows respect for the wife’s concerns and will likely quell the conflict.

Non-defensive Response: “Sweetheart, I’m so sorry. You are right. I should have texted as soon as I realized I was going to be late. I love that you worry about me, but you shouldn’t have to. I know this isn’t the first time and I promise I’ll do better.”

People often react defensively when they feel challenged or threatened. Keep in mind that
a soft complaint is more likely to produce a non-defensive response while harsh criticism is more likely to produce a defensive response and a negative spiral of more criticism and defensiveness.

If your spouse reacts defensively to what you meant as a complaint, your spouse probably heard the complaint as criticism. If this starts happening regularly in your relationship and you know there are outside pressures affecting one or both of you, just try to be patient and forgiving with one another. If there is no outside stressor affecting you or your spouse’s reactions to each other, then defensive reactions to a simple criticism could be a signal that the criticism is not as soft as you think or that there is an unresolved issue festering between the two of you. Try softening your criticism. If that doesn’t work, figure out what the issue is, and don’t let it fester too long.

4. Stonewalling

Stonewalling involves a lack of responsiveness designed to avoid repeated conflict and negative interactions. Rather than confront an issue or respond to their partner’s concerns, people who stonewall withdraw from interactions by tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or otherwise disengaging in the conflict.

Stonewalling rarely occurs in the early stages of a marriage. Instead, stonewalling emerges after criticism, contempt, and defensiveness become overwhelmingly negative enough to make stonewalling an understandable response. Once stonewalling emerges as a strategy to escape feeling flooded by negativity, it often becomes a self-protective habit that leads to emotional disengagement from the relationship.

Ironically, the more one spouse stonewalls in an effort to protect themselves against turbulent criticism and contempt, the more hostile the critical spouse becomes. When one spouse shuts down, the other becomes frustrated and tries even harder to be heard.

If they reach this stage, some couples start living lonely, parallel lives characterized by emotional indifference, peppered with occasional bouts of toxic negativity. Others experience a fiery meltdown and then divorce.  Hard to say which is more painful.

So, is it too late to save your marriage?

Think about the recent times you and your spouse had a disagreement. Did any of the Four Horsemen show their ugly heads?

Recognizing criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling is the first step toward eliminating them. But, to remove these negative communication patterns from your marriage you must learn and adopt new, productive communication patterns to use instead.

To get started, share this post with your spouse and have a calm, non-judgmental conversation about the lethal effect that criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling will have on your marriage if left unchecked. As you can see from this explanation, it takes two to create toxic communication patterns. It’s not about blame. Accept your part of the responsibility so your spouse will be more likely to do the same. Make a meaningful effort to “work it out”.

And, let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we are now authorized to use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses for couples who want to stay together and restore the warmth and friendship in their marriage.

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

There are four signs that signal a progressive, downward relationship spiral leading to divorce.   But, you can learn to recognize these cautionary signals and take a detour that will put you back on the path to a long, satisfying marriage.

Which couple are you?

This week I met two young couples.  Both couples have been married for about four years.  Both couples are loving parents of a toddler.   Both parents in both couples are gainfully employed in professional jobs that provide health insurance and retirement benefits.  Both couples seem to “have it all”.

But yet, they are distressed.

Amy and Brian are heartbroken because no matter how hard they both try, they can’t seem to stop having the same fights over and over again.  In contrast, Lisa and Mike feel angry because they each see their marital problems as the other’s fault and they have given up trying to talk about it because talking just leads to another fight.

From the outside looking in, these couples seem similar. Both couples experience a lot of conflict and feel distressed.  But for Amy and Brian there is still a high likelihood that they can bring the joy back to their marriage if they quickly take steps to turn their relationship around.  For Lisa and Mike, the chances are slim because they’ve gone too far down the wrong road.

Four Signs You Could Be Headed for Divorce

1. You view your relationship problems as severe.  You started out as flovers (lovers who are also best friends).  But, now you notice that conflict is more frequent and has taken on a negative tone, especially for major issues that keep recurring.  This negativity then begins to bleed over into other aspects of your life, as well.  But, still you are turning toward each other to work things out.
2. Talking things over seems useless. You begin to blame the other for your relationship problems and your relationship talk is characterized by complaints, sarcasm, reciprocated negative feelings, and problem escalation or flooding the conversation with multiple criticisms.  You start to turn away from each other and try to solve the problems individually, rather than as a couple.
3. Spouses start leading parallel, but separate lives. To reduce conflict and tension, and to get some perspective on the relationship, spouses avoid talking about their relationship or issues other than those topics that surround their daily routines.  When other issues do come up, the intense conflict, criticism, and even contempt return.  So, you and your spouse begin to keep your distance and to live more like polite roommates than the intimate flovers you once were.
4. You feel alone in your own home. When communication is restricted to routine matters peppered with the inevitable eruptions of intense conflict, there is little intimacy exchanged between spouses.   You may go through the motions of your daily routine and family life, and may even continue to have sex.  But, your marital intimacy has been replaced, at best, by cordial indifference or, at worst, controlled hostility that lies barely under the surface and frequently erupts.

Where is the Point of No Return?

Couples like Amy and Brian can more easily reverse the downward trajectory because they noticed the first warning signs of relationship distress.  Either on their own, or with the help of a psycho-education course like “Let’s Stay Together”, they have a good chance of restoring the intimacy and happiness in their marriage.

Couples like Lisa and Mike, who continued to ignore the warning signs, have likely reached a “point of no return” or will have a rougher road back to each other than they would have if they had noticed the early warning signs that they were possibly headed to divorce.

If you’ve been seeing the early signs that you are on the road to divorce, try starting a conversation about how to become flovers again.

If you think you might have reached the “point of no return” in your marriage, try starting a civil conversation about your choices:  Are you both willing to try the rough road back to each other or, if not, can you dissolve your marriage amicably before you hurt each other and your children even more.  Granted…that’s a hard conversation to have.  But, I’ve seen couples who thought divorce was inevitable find their way back to each other.  And, ironically, I’ve also seen many miserable couples build a better life for themselves and their children through divorce.

Whether you are seeing the early warning signs or afraid you are reaching the point of no return, share this post with your spouse, start a conversation to discover the right road for you,  and work it out.

Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we (a) deliver our own “Let’s Stay Together – Marriage Refresher Course” – a private psycho-educational course delivered in a workshop-for-two format that serves couples who want to stay married, but also improve their relationship and (b) Divorce Mediation for couples that have decided to divorce but want to remain friendly and reach an agreement that serves the needs of all involved, especially the children.   If you aren’t sure, we can help you figure that out, too.

I’m a Gottman Leader authorized to deliver the Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work Couples Program and to use the Gottman Relationship Checkup when working with couples trying to decide if they have reached a “point of no return”.    I’ll help you work it out. 

If you liked this blog post, SIGN UP NOW for Dr. Jamie’s “Work it Out – Relationship Tips” emails packed with practical, helpful, and fun relationship guidance that you can use to make your relationships work. 

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By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

I’ve said it a thousand times, but people still don’t believe me.     

Conflict can actually be good for your relationship.

Conflict can lead to greater understanding. Conflict can clarify similarities, differences, and preferences. Conflict can help couples learn how to deal with future conflict. And, perhaps most importantly, conflict can make it clear where efforts to communicate can and should be strengthened.

Surprisingly, conflict can be good for your relationship even if you occasionally behave badly (but not abusively) during the conflict….. as long as you master the art of the true apology.

Sure, using a conflict style that would be considered “constructive” creates a more pleasant conflict aftermath. Constructive styles that involve a concern for your partner and your relationship include tactics like collaboration or compromise, which often help resolve conflict and set the stage for forgiveness.

Likewise, using a conflict style that would be considered “destructive” creates a less pleasant conflict aftermath. Destructive styles that show little concern for your partner or your relationship include tactics like competing or avoidance, which rarely lead to peaceful resolution or forgiveness.

Your conflict style influences the conflict aftermath, for sure. But, what can make an even bigger difference is an effective apology.

What constitutes an effective apology?

First and foremost, avoid the “pseudo-apology” that goes something like this:  “I’m sorry you can’t take a joke” or “I’m sorry you are so upset” or “I’m sorry you just don’t understand”.

These statements are NOT apologies, they are critical statements that imply that your partner is overly sensitive rather than that you made a mistake.   Pseudo-apologies lead to more conflict, and, if used often enough, severely deteriorate the quality of a relationship.

In contrast, offer a “true apology”.

The five key attributes of a true apology include:

1. Be earnest and sincere, and not rushed.
2. Acknowledge specifically what you did wrong and state that you take responsibility.
3. Explain what happened, but do not offer excuses. An excuse negates the apology.
4. Offer to make amends or promise to change.
5. Ask for forgiveness.

Here’s an example:  Husband Stays Out Late with Co-Workers Without Calling Wife

Husband’s Pseudo apology: Fine. I’ll call home to “mommy” next time. I’m sorry you don’t understand how important it is for me to socialize with my co-workers.

Husband’s True apology: I am so sorry that I stayed out so late without calling to let you know I was ok and what was going on. I know you were worried about me and didn’t want to embarrass me by calling me when I was with my work friends.  I didn’t want leave the group to call home, but I could have easily texted you. And, I should have done that. I promise I won’t let it happen again. Please forgive me.

It isn’t hard to see the difference that a true apology would make in shaping the aftermath of this common couple conflict.  

Try it yourself. You’ll be amazed how disarming a true apology can be. But, also remember, there is an art to the true apology. Knowing when to deliver a true apology is almost as important as knowing how to do it.

Be careful not to overdo it. Apologizing too often for insignificant infractions or things you are not responsible for diminishes the impact when you make a true apology. However, a true apology that is given freely and sincerely, when needed, will turn the aftermath of conflict into an afterglow of relational healing.

If your relationship could benefit from the use of true apologies, share this post with your partner, promise to help each other practice apologizing, and you will be surprised how often you can “work it out”.

Let me know if I can help.  You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, LLC 

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Wondering how to improve communication in your marriage?  Frequent problems don’t ruin a marriage.  But, ineffective communication can.  So, you might need to improve communication in your marriage before it’s too late.

If it seems that all you and your spouse do is fight about money, the kids, sex, and not making enough time for each other, then you’re in good company.

The majority of married adults with children in the United States frequently report these topics as issues of distress and dissatisfaction in their marriage.  Some also add “interference from in-laws”, “jealously over previous relationships”, and “no time with friends”.

Troubling as they are, however, these issues are not the ones most likely to lead to divorce.

Instead, “ineffective communication” is more likely to lead to divorce more than any of these other common issues.  In fact, ineffective communication is the most common cause of divorce in America today.

How can that be?

Except for the very young and naïve couples, most people enter into marriage expecting ups and downs associated with finances, raising a family, and supporting each other’s dreams. They know that there will be times when one or both of them is too tired, too preoccupied, or too old to want frequent sex.  They know there won’t always be enough money to go around. And, they know their families well and know how to predict how their extended families will interfere or try to manipulate them.

None of this comes as a surprise to most married couples in the U.S. today.   But, what does come as a surprise is that they lack the emotional intelligence and communication skills to work through these predictable issues in a satisfactory way.

As a result, extant research shows that Communication satisfaction influences marital happiness and satisfaction more than satisfaction with finances, ability to visit with friends and family, or sexual satisfaction.   That is, for example, couples who feel good about the way they talk through troubling issues about their sex life, are happier than those people who may have a better sex life, but have trouble sharing their feelings about it.   Likewise, couples who feel good about the way they work through their financial troubles together, have a stronger, happier marriage, than those couples who have more money, but less cooperative discussions about their budget and financial plans.

When a couple has both financial problems (or sexual problems, or…….) AND poor communication skills, then their level of distress can become a negative spiral that whips around their home and across nearly all topics in their relationship.

So, how do you develop the type of communication patterns that lead to communication satisfaction and higher levels of marital happiness?  First, you have to recognize the communication patterns indicative of marital distress when you see them. Then you can begin the skill-building work that will turn your current conflict into productive, satisfying, and relationally enriching conversations.

Dr. John Gottman, a well-known researcher and expert on the communication that leads to divorce, summarized over 25 years of research into the following list of communication behaviors that distinguish non-distressed, happy couples from distressed couples headed for divorce.

Characteristics of Non-distressed, Happy Couples

•  Partners are friends.
• Exchange more positive feelings
• Focus on each other’s positive qualities, good times, etc.
• Interact frequently
• Share power, rather than seek it.
• Engage in problem-solving communication
• Seek understandings that overcome gridlock
• Create shared meaning, values, attitudes, interests, traditions

Characteristics of Distressed Couples Heading for Divorce

• Exchange negative interactions
• Perceive that they have negative interactions
• More sarcasm
• More negative feelings reciprocated
• More complaints
• More interpretations of the other person’s behavior as negative
• Engage in “problem escalation” communication

If you and your spouse display the characteristics of non-distress, happy couples, you are to be congratulated.  And, as long as you stay friends and keep up these practices you and your family will likely remain happy, well-adjusted, and in-tack.

However, if you recognize that your marriage is rot with characteristics of the distressed couples heading for divorce, take swift and deliberate corrective action.

Our Marriage Revitalization sessions and programs provide an alternative to traditional marital therapy that appeals to couples who want to work out current issues and focus on building their future well-being, rather than stay stuck rehashing the past.  Using a practical, psycho-educational approach grounded in the Gottman Method, we help both distressed and happy couples deepen their intimate connection, work out any current issues, and master the essential habits of couples who stay happily married for a lifetime.

Check out our new  “Let’s Stay Together”  Marriage Refresher Course, which we customize and deliver in a built-for-two workshop format.  A Marriage Refresher Course can make your marriage work again.

Share this post with your partner and suggest that the two of you get help breaking these bad communication habits before you pass the point of impasse and no return.  It’s rarely “too late” for people who really want to “work it out”.

Let me know if I can help.

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Around Father’s Day traditional and new media produce pithy articles about the characteristics of great fathers.  These lists typically include valuable advice like: spend time with your children, discipline with love, be a role model for good behavior, teach your kids to appreciate what they have (don’t be an ATM), read to them, play with them, listen to them, always put their interests first, and be sure to show that you love and respect their mom.

Each of these insightful suggestions have merit but sometimes they create a conundrum for even the most devoted fathers.  For example, how does a busy Dad balance investing ample time with his children with investing quality time in his relationship with their mother – his wife?

Too many women contemplating divorce tell me that their husband is a great dad, but no longer a great husband.

Recently one brokenhearted mom lamented that her husband does his share of the work at the house and spends a great deal of quality time with their children, but pays very little attention to her.  She gets home from work first, and when he gets home, he always greets the kids before he greets her.  He’s affectionate with the kids, but shows little affection to her (except in bed).  He compliments his daughter’s appearance, but rarely hers.  He plans fun family activities, but never an evening out with her.    She feels like she has a great co-parenting relationship and a disappointing, empty marriage.

I listened to these concerns knowing that if her husband doesn’t learn to balance being “a great dad” with being a “loving husband”, he will soon be a divorced dad planning visits with his kids, rather than coming home to them and his wife each day.

And, I listen knowing that in situations like this one – where the dad has the best of intentions but is missing the mark – the “fix” isn’t that difficult.   In most cases, the devoted Dad is more clueless than truly insensitive. He would never intentionally demoralize his wife and certainly doesn’t want to be divorced.  So, I suggested that the wife should try to initiate a collaborative conversation about this common, solvable problem.

For the most successful outcome, avoid putting your spouse on the defensive by picking the right time for initiating the conversation and by using a Soft Start-Up.

Address the issue directly and head-on, but still use a Soft Start-Up that includes a complaint, but not criticism or contemptuous accusations.   Here’s the difference:

Complaint – focuses on a specific behavior and addresses the specific infraction your spouse made.

Example:  You are such a great Dad.  You do more than your share of work around the house and you spend time with the kids on their homework and just playing with them.  They adore you.  And, so do I.  I would really like for us to find a way to have more quality time together.  I know if may sound a bit selfish, but I need to feel like your wife, not just their mother. 

 Criticism – is the complaint plus a negative comment about your spouse’s personality or overall character

Example:  You are such a great Dad. You spend plenty of time with the kids.  But, you just don’t get it.  You never think to pay that kind of attention to me.  Don’t you care about my feelings?

Contemptuous accusation – fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about your spouse and conveys disrespect and/or disgust through sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, hostile humor, etc.

Example:   You are such a GREAT dad.  Too bad you are such a lousy husband.  People say I’m lucky to be married to a man that helps out so much and spends so much time with the kids.  But, they don’t know that you are not really a man to me.   If you don’t start paying attention to me, I’ll find someone who will.

It isn’t easy to turn a conflict about needing more attention from your husband – or any other topic – into a collaborative conversation you are both comfortable having.  Partners need to have a positive disposition about each other to be willing to participate openly and respectfully (rather than defensively).  This is most likely to happen if the initiator choses  the “right time” for the conversation – meaning you are both calm and able to focus – and use a Soft Start-up.

You also have to be open to considering your partner’s opinions, ideas, motivations and preferences.  For collaborative conversations to work, you have to be willing to back away from strident views. You have to be willing to listen to, and be influenced by, your partner.   This does not mean that you have to agree with each other, but rather accept the other’s point of view as valid and understandable, under the circumstances.  This is the point where you seek more to understand than to be understood, and move out of conflict into a productive conversation about how to resolve your issue.   Which, in this case, is how to inject a bit of romantic love back into your marriage.

Collaborative Conversations require the willingness to bring up a touchy subject.  But, when the possible outcome can make your marriage work again, the payoff is worth the effort to overcome your nervousness, learn the soft-start up, and “work it out”.

Let me know if I can help.