By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

If you want to improve your relationship and think making New Year’s Resolutions as a couple is a good idea, think again.  Relationship-based resolutions can’t lead to sustainable increases in happiness because they are worded like wishful thinking instead of like SMART relationship goals that ignite motivation and turn it into action and behavior change.

Sure, relationship resolutions are paved with good intentions.  Bridal Guide magazine even suggests eight New Year’s Resolutions that couples should make, including ideas like “spend more time together”, “go on dates”, “try new experiences”, and “do nice things for each other”.  

These Resolutions sound like ways to strengthen a relationship…until we acknowledge the studies that show that only 8% of Americans who make a New Year’s resolution keep them all year and 80% have failed by the start of February.  

Why New Year’s Resolutions Fail

Clinical Psychologist and self-coaching expert Joseph J. Luciani, Ph.D. says most resolutions fail due to a lack of self-discipline. But I think people fail to keep their New Year’s Resolutions because their wishful thinking is not backed up by sustainable action plans. 

Whether trying to avoid something detrimental to your relationship (like too much screen time) or trying something new that will be good for your relationship (like date nights), the change will be difficult because your current patterns likely evolved gradually, outside of your awareness. And, the status quo is at least predictable and comfortable in the short term, even if you know it isn’t producing the kind of relationship you want for the long term.

Make SMART Relationship Goals, Not Lofty Resolutions

I encourage couples to break current patterns by making optimistic challenges for their relationship in the form of SMART goals, galvanized by action plans. SMART goals are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Bound. 

Unlike New Year’s Resolutions, SMART goals produce success because the process of achieving them is segmented into small steps that can be taken one at a time. This makes the goal much less overwhelming and lets you plan clearly toward achieving it.

Here’s an example of a SMART relationship goal:

We will have out-of-the-house date nights (specific), once per month (achievable, measurable), so that we have more couple time to restore intimacy (relevance), between now and our 10th-anniversary trip (time-bound).

How to Transform New Year’s Resolutions into SMART Relationship Goals

Couples can transform their New Year’s Resolutions into Relationship SMART Goals following these five steps:  

1. Reflect on your relationship and determine how you want your relationship to change. You can do this individually and then share your ideas or do it as a couple from the start.  Just be sure you are future-focused and don’t let the conversation lead to fault-finding or blame.
2. Write down your SMART goals for the areas in your relationship that you both are committed to changing.  Be specific. Your goals should describe what you want to accomplish and why it is important to you. Make sure your goal is measurable in a way that you have control.  Make sure your goal is achievable – a stretch, but not practically impossible to reach. And, set a specific deadline for accomplishment to be sure your goal is timebound.
3. Post your relationship goals so that you both can see them every day.
4. Share your goals with family or friends that you trust.  Research shows that you will be more likely to achieve your goals if you tell the right people (not everyone) about them and keep those people informed of your progress.
5. Be flexible. If your goals become outdated or irrelevant, tweak them or replace them.

Close relationships are fragile.  A small crack that goes untended can easily become a larger break that leads to patterns of more distant interaction (or fighting) that slowly erode intimacy. Unless couples resolve to repair the damage, they will eventually reach a point of no return. 

Despite good intentions, however, a couple’s New Year’s Resolution to “spend more time together” or “go on dates” will likely fail by February if they don’t create SMART goals and a sustainable action plan.

Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, LLC, where we specialize in “friendly divorce” mediation and psycho-educational marriage revitalization sessions and programs using a practical, psycho-educational approach grounded in the Gottman Method. I also speak frequently on relationship topics and author the blog “Work it Out”.   

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD 

This time of year most of us are more intentional about having an “attitude of gratitude”. We ought to do this all year long, however, because feeling and expressing gratefulness makes us happier and more resilient, improves our relationships, and even boosts our psychological and physical health. 

Adopting an “attitude of gratitude” in your marriage also has positive effects. Couples who practice gratitude together have happier marriages than those who do not practice gratitude.  Research shows that couples who mutually express gratitude to each other strengthen their relationship, enhance the levels of perceived intimacy and mutual care, reinforce their sense of belonging, and bolster their levels of marital satisfaction.

Conversely, people who initiate divorce often do so because their spouse is overly critical, takes their contributions to their marriage and homelife for granted, and doesn’t seem to value who they are as a person, outside of the tasks they perform in the relationship. 

You and your partner can protect your marriage from this type of erosion by adopting an “attitude of gratitude” and practicing the following four reciprocal expressions of gratitude.

1. Look for reasons to say “thank you”.   

Pay attention to the contributions your partner makes to your daily routine such as cooking, making the bed, paying the bills, grocery shopping, loading the dishwasher, house cleaning, laundry, yard work, gassing up the car, and all the other little favors that make your day easier.

Stop taking these contributions for granted and instead acknowledge, value, and appreciate your partner’s role in making your life together work well.  It’s as easy as saying “thank you” sincerely and frequently.

2. Show that you appreciate who your partner is to you, not just what your partner does for you. 

Compliments are meaningful when they focus on behaviors and even more meaningful when they highlight the receiver’s core values.  So, of course, it is important to be thankful for your partner’s hard work and acts of service to your relationship, but it is even more important to praise your partner’s virtues. 

Is your partner smart, well-organized, a good storyteller, patient, empathetic, honest, funny, or a good friend?  Pay attention to how your partner lives out important values and express appreciation for the kind of person your partner is to you and others.

3. Avoid public criticism and give public praise.

One of the fundamental rules in relationship communication is never to criticize your partner in public. To do so is disrespectful, embarrasses and demoralizes your partner, and erodes relational trust, intimacy, and satisfaction. 

Praising your partner in public has the opposite effect.  Expressing appreciation for your partner publicly shows respect and pride, and will make your partner feel appreciated, important, and loved.  As a happy by-product, your partner will feel enhanced warmth toward you and your relationship.

So, take advantage of opportunities to thank or congratulate your partner in front of your children, extended family, and friends.  You might even create a social media post showing your partner’s good qualities or sharing news of your partner’s success.

4. Act grateful and show appreciation every day. 

Do small things often, rather than just isolated grand gestures. These small loving actions speak louder than words when it comes to making your partner feel loved and appreciated.  

Bring your partner a cup of coffee. Make her favorite meal.  Send a text message of encouragement when you know your partner has a presentation, an important meeting, or a long day. Send heart emojis when you text the grocery list. Draw a heart on a post-it and leave it on your partner’s windshield or stick it on the bathroom mirror.  Look for ways to do little favors for your partner every day.

Small, from-the-heart expressions of love and support send consistently authentic messages of love and appreciation and so they mean much more than a once-a-year candlelit dinner or perfunctory bouquet of roses on special occasions.

These four approaches to practicing gratitude will help you and your partner avoid taking each other for granted and keep you on a satisfying relationship path.  So, as you begin the season of love and joy this year, why not adopt an “attitude of gratitude” and incorporate these acts into your holiday preparations? If you do, you’ll more likely experience the true measure of the Season.

Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, LLC, where we specialize in “friendly divorce” mediation and Let’s Stay Together couples counseling workshops using a practical, psycho-educational approach grounded in the Gottman Method. I also speak frequently on relationship topics and author the blog “Work it Out”.   

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Most marital conflict is unsolvable.  In fact, according to renowned relationship researcher John Gottman, 69% of marital conflicts are perpetual problems that couples will never resolve. Only 31% of the problems in marriage are solvable. This is true for both happy couples and unhappy couples.

So, it is not the presence of on-going problems that makes couples unhappy.  It is the way the couples talk about perpetual problems that distinguishes between happy and distressed couples.  Happy couples learn to cope with perpetual problems rather than let the on-going issues infect their relationship.  Distressed couples rehash the same issue over and over again and allow those conflicts to erode their relationship.

This does not mean that couples should ignore or avoid perpetual problems. Ignoring the issues will not make them go away.  If the issue is important, pretending that it doesn’t matter will eventually create emotional distance between you and your partner, lead to resentment, and begin to negatively impact your entire relationship.

The good news is that most couples can learn to manage their perpetual problems once they recognize them as unresolvable on-going issues that they need to cope with rather than situational conflicts that can be resolved.

So, what’s the difference between Solvable Problems and unsolvable, Perpetual Problems?

In the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman explains that Solvable Problems are situational and tied to specific circumstances where a solution to the problem is possible.  Once the problem is resolved, couples can move on and not have to address it again.  In contrast, Perpetual Problems are on-going because they are rooted in differences in personality, beliefs, values, and hidden feelings.

Examples of perpetual, unsolvable problems include:

• One person is neat, the other is messy.
• One person is a spender, the other a saver
• One person is punctual, the other typically runs late
• One person wants to spend more time with friends, the other wants more couple time.

How do couples cope with Perpetual Problems?

First, accept the fact that problems, differences of opinion, and mismatched expectations are normal and inevitable in couple relationships. This realization helps couples keep the issue in perspective, rather than blow it out of proportion.

Second, look for the hidden feelings behind your partner’s behavior or point of view.  For example, if Tyler routinely fails to help with the housework, Maria might feel abandon – left on her own to take care of their home, like her single Mother was.  When Maria complains to Tyler about his laziness or lack of support, he might feel like she is trying to control him, which makes him feel like a scolded child instead of the man of the house.  

Third, have a conversation (not a fight) about the issue.  Pick the right time, the right place, and start with soft, respectful tone. Ask your partner to please listen because this is important to you. Speak honestly about your position and what it means to you. Describe your feelings and where they come from. Discuss your position and explanation for it, without criticizing your partner or blaming your partner for your feelings.

If you are the listener, seek to understand your partner rather than think about your rebuttal. Encourage your partner to explore his/her feelings and preferences. Do not evaluate your partners’ feelings and desires or mention any reason why they are impractical or unimportant.  Show empathy and truly try to understand. Then, switch roles so that the listener now describes his/her position and the feelings behind it.

Fourth, use your new understanding to find ways to cope with the issue with respect, cooperation, and humor.  In the Tyler-Maria example, this might include jointly making a list of the chores that need to be done over the weekend. Divide the chores and agree to do those allocated to you. Praise each other for what got done. Tease each other about what didn’t get done. And, set another deadline for what didn’t get done.  Do not do each other’s chores unless the other sincerely requests help due to unexpected circumstances.

If you can follow this approach to coping with inevitable Perpetual Problems you will be much more likely to retain (or regain) and stable, happy marriage.

Let me know if I can help.  

Want to talk about it?

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, LLC, where we specialize in “friendly divorce” mediation and marriage revitalization sessions and programs using a practical, psycho-educational approach grounded in the Gottman Method.  I also speak frequently on relationship topics and author the blog “Work it Out”.   

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

The secret to long-lasting romance in marriage is simple, inexpensive, and fool proof.

You’ve probably figured out that it isn’t a candlelit dinner on your anniversary or the obligatory sex that followed.  And, unless you learn this one simple secret it won’t be your long-anticipated romantic get-away either.

Events designed to be romantic flop when you aren’t already lovingly connected to your partner. Instead of helping you reconnect, the contrived candlelit dinner becomes a struggle for conversation topics and that romantic “get-away” reveals that you don’t really know what you enjoy doing together anymore. The empty feeling and disappointment these realizations produce lead, at best, to awkward silences and, at worst, to frustration, angry accusations, and harsh criticism. Either way, they don’t enhance that loving feeling.  You can’t purchase togetherness.

So, how do you prime your marriage for romance and lasting love?  

You do small things often. You turn to each other in little ways, every day.

According to Dr. John Gottman, it’s that simple. In The Relationship Cure, Gottman explains that small, intentional moments of kindness and connection have a more positive impact on creating and sustaining marital romance than isolated, grand gestures.

These small loving actions also speak louder than words, when it comes to making your partner feel loved.   In a 2017 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Saeideh Heshmati and his Penn State colleagues found an American cultural consensus that showing compassion and displaying affection (e.g. snuggling) on a daily basis rank higher on the list of what makes people feel loved then typical romantic scenarios or grand verbal declarations of love.

Ready to put this one simple action to the test?  Every day, just try another small way of turning toward your spouse, instead of away. For example:

Pay attention and respond with interest.

Notice when your partner subtly asks for your attention, affection, or support and give it. Look at the hummingbird and comment on it when she calls it to your attention. Take his side when he shares a work concern. Show that you are glad (really glad) to see your partner at the end of the day. Respond with curiosity when your partner talks about family, friends, and other interests. Theses mundane moments of connection truly matter.

When you don’t have time to respond, express regret and take the time to explain.  Don’t say “I don’t have time”. Instead, say you wish you had time, clarify why you don’t have time, and set up a plan to talk about it “when I get home tonight” or “after the kids are in bed” or “when I get home from my meeting”.

Voluntarily (and routinely) take action to support and connect with your partner.

Fold the laundry or take out the garbage, when it’s not your turn. Run errands for each other. Make dinner together. Pay the bills together. Plan and host a dinner for friends together. Share each other’s burdens and you become more interdependent. Support each other’s contributions and you create a shared sense of purpose. These small, day-to-day gestures go a long way toward deepening your marital connection, helping your partner feel loved, and prime you for marital romance.

Look for small ways to send messages of love.

Send a text message of encouragement when you know your partner has a presentation, an important meeting, or a long day. Send heart emojis when you text the grocery list.  Pack a love note in your partner’s suitcase, briefcase or lunch box. These notes don’t have to be poetic, or long, or even include words at all. Put on lipstick, kiss a napkin, and tuck it in the bag. Draw a heart on a post-it and leave it on your partner’s windshield or sitck it on the bathroom mirror. These small, from-the-heart expressions of love and support send consistently authentic messages of love and so they mean much more than a once-a-year candlelit dinner or perfunctory bouquet of roses on special occasions.

How does this one simple action create more romance in your marriage?

If you’re like most people, you are surprised that the single most essential action that grounds your marital stability and contributes to your on-going romance is the simple act of turning toward your spouse in many small, routine ways every day.

It works because these gestures solidify your marital connection and promote positive feelings that will sustain your marriage during stressful times and grow the loving feeling of togetherness you share.

Take this loving connection and your positive feelings out to a candlelit dinner or on vacation, and the romantic spark you’re hoping for will ignite. But, chances are, if you adopt this one simple action – and turn towards your spouse in small ways every day – you won’t need expensive dinners or exotic vacations to stir up romance. You’ll have that at home every day.

If you engage in these small gestures every day, you’ll be going on date nights or vacation to enjoy each other. Not to save your marriage.

How do you begin turning toward each other?

If you want to strengthen your relationship and create more romance in your marriage, share this post with your partner. Then, start a conversation about the importance of being truly engaged in your routine interactions. Discuss the value of tuning into each other’s daily needs for attention, support, and encouragement. And, then imagine the difference that doing “small things often” can make in your feelings toward each other and the quality of your life together. Do your best to “work it out”.

Let me know if I can help.

 You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we facilitate divorce, family and civil mediations.  We also are authorized to use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative Let’s Stay Together private workshop sessions with our client who want to stay together, but refresh and restore the joy in their marriage.

Sign UpNow  to receive Dr.  Jamie’s “Work it Out – Relationship Tips”  emails packed with practical, helpful, and fun relationship improvement tips.

SIGN UP NOW

by Jamie C.  Williamson, PhD

Married couples who play together, stay together.  

But that doesn’t mean you should treat your marriage like a game.  If you treat your marriage like a game, you’ll get played and lose every time.

What this does mean is that couples who “play together” by engaging in fun, novel activities grow closer to each other, experience more positive emotions toward each other and their relationship, and as a result are happier and want to stay together.

Can it really be that easy?   Yes, it can.

Why Playing Together Helps You Stay Together

First, playing together in novel and arousing activities keeps you (and your spouse) from getting bored and your relationship from becoming a boring routine.

Boredom sacks the current joy out of your relationship and, if not addressed, leads to increasing dissatisfaction over time, the temptation to seek excitement outside the relationship, and/or ultimately the “we’ve just grown apart” explanation for divorce.

Second, playing together also helps you and your spouse connect the good feelings you experience during the activity to your overall relationship.

Third, participating in novel and arousing activities makes people feel happier in general, and when you are a happier person, you are more likely to be a happy partner and extend that positive emotion to your marriage and spouse.

How far do you have to go to keep you and your spouse out of a boring routine?

Off the couch, maybe.  But, not that far.

Go for a bike ride. Throw a football around. Take a walk on the beach or a canoe ride. Try a Stand-Up Paddle board.  A new restaurant.  Get to know other couples — new friends you make together.

Remember, marriage is not a game.  Both husband and wife are on the same side.

So be sure you aren’t keeping score.  If your wife “wins” because you agree to try something new that she recommended, you both win.

And, if your husband “wins” because you agree to try something new that he likes, you also both win.

Here’s a common example for football season (just remember, the point of the story is gender neutral)

If your husband really enjoys watching college football, learn to like it, too, rather than pout and try to make him feel guilty.  (You might have to pretend at first).  This will add a new activity for you to enjoy together.

In turn, he will naturally connect the fun he has watching the game with you to positive feelings about you.  As a result, he will be more likely to want to make you happy and will look for ways to do that – like take a cooking class, or run a 5-K, go with you to church, or start a weekly date night.

Husbands, keep in mind that if you initiate the weekly date night (for example), your wife will transfer her good feeling about that to you and, as a result, be more likely to want to look for novel ways to make you happy, as well.

The point is that if you want to avoid (or get out of) the rut of relationship boredom, you have to play together by engaging in novel and arousing activities.  It doesn’t matter who is ahead at the end of the first quarter.  You’re both on the home team.

Can the novel and arousing activities involve sex?

Sure.

But, you are unlikely to be any good at sex play, if you aren’t fully engaged with each other out of the bedroom.  And, if you suggest novel sex before you’ve shown a willingness to “get off the couch”, your effort will backfire.   First things first.

If you are starting to feel bored in your marriage, share this post with your spouse and talk about ways you can add some new activities or people to your life.   Discuss how the positive feelings you get from these new experiences will help you grow closer again, increase your relationship satisfaction, and decrease the likelihood that you will “grow apart” (or be tempted to find excitement elsewhere).

Pick a new activity and begin to work it out.  If your spouse won’t go along at first, try learning to like something your spouse already enjoys so you can do it together. Then, try to add something novel to you both.

And, let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we facilitate divorce, family and civil mediations.  We also use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative, psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses for individal couples who want to stay together, but restore the joy in their marriage.

Sign Up Now  to receive Dr.  Jamie’s “Work it Out – Relationship Tips”  emails packed with practical, helpful, and fun relationship improvement tips.

SIGN UP NOW

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

A new school year is a perfect time to refresh your approach to parenting and renew the way you interact with your kids. As kids grow and change, your family communication patterns should change, too.

Back-to-school means back-to-routines for children and their parents or caregivers. In anticipation of this annual change, insightful parents adjust their family routines based on their children’s age, disposition, and learning needs. Bedtimes, homework, extracurricular activities, chores, screen time, friend time, meal times, and family time all get adjusted to match a growing child’s needs.

Establishing routines and expectations helps to decrease stress and create a smooth, predictable family life. So, this is all good….Probably even necessary for healthy child development and parental sanity.

Families also benefit when parents and caregivers review the way they interact with their children and make similar age-appropriate adjustments in family communication patterns involving parental encouragement of two-way conversation and parental expectations for conformity of attitudes and values.

Family Communication Patterns

Conformity Orientation denotes the degree to which children are expected to obey their parents without question and express similar attitudes, beliefs, and values. High Conformity families express similar attitudes, beliefs, and values and try to avoid conflict. So, they seem harmonious. But, may not be under the surface. Low Conformity family members express highly divergent attitudes, beliefs, and values and do not shy away from conflict. So, these families seem discordant. But, may actually be more supportive of each other differences than high conformity family members.

Conversation Orientation designates the degree to which parents and children openly express their differing points of view and remain supportive of each other in the process. High Conversation families encourage members to discuss issues and alternative attitudes, beliefs, and values. Low Conversation families discourage (and often sanction) voicing divergent opinions and refrain from open discussion. Instead, children are expected to think like their parents and do as they are told, without question.

With Conversation Orientation and Conformity Orientation in mind, Ascan Koerner and Mary Ann Fitzpatrick identified four types of families, which I have depicted in the “Types of Families” graphic below.

1. Protective Families are low in conversation and high in conformity. They avoid conflict and emphasize the importance of agreement among members, but engage in little communication about issues. They expect children to obey their parents without asking challenging questions (except the ubiquitous “why”, of course).
2. Consensual Families are high in conversation and high in conformity. They encourage (or at least tolerate) open communication about issues but parents still seek (and often expect) their child’s agreement on important values.
3. Pluralistic Families are high in conversation and low in conformity. They encourage members to appropriately express different points of view and openly engage in communication, while remaining supportive of each other.
4. Laisser-faire Families are low in conversation and low in conformity. They avoid communicating with each other, encourage privacy, and adopt a “do what you want” approach to conflict resolution.

Create Age-Appropriate Family Communication Patterns

Some relationship scholars argue that none of these four family communication patterns are better or more productive than the other types, saying “what works for some families will not work for another family”.

But I disagree.

My research on family conflict, my experience helping families solve problems, and my university-level teaching have convinced me that children need to learn how to formulate their own attitudes, beliefs, and values and express their opinions in a civilized manner before becoming adults.

And, I believe the best way for children to develop moral reasoning and learn to express themselves appropriately and effectively is through age-appropriate interaction at home

In fact, I’ve numbered the Family Communication Patterns 1-2-3 in the order that is likely to work best for most children as they move from pre-school through high school, with parents determining the appropriate pace of skill development for their child.

(Please note that I have intentionally left out #4 Laisser-fair Families because this family structure seems inappropriate for school-age children. The Laisser-fair approach ignores the interdependence of people who share a history, space, and life together, so it is likely to be dysfunctional for an all-adult family, as well).

Here is your challenge:

As part of crafting your new back-to-school routines, review these Family Communication Patterns with your parenting partner, whether you live together or not. Think about which combination of conversation and conformity is appropriate for your child’s age, temperament, and learning needs. Then plan time in your new routines that encourage the family interaction you believe is appropriate for you and your child. If your children are old enough, let them participate in the decisions about how your family will balance conversation and conformity this school year.

You can “work it out” together. Let me know if I can help.

I am a Florida Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and Gottman Methods Couples Counselor.  You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, a mediation practice specializing in “friendly divorce” mediation and family mediation, as well as Marriage Revitalization and Family Dynamics Mediation for families of all configurations.  Family Dynamics Mediation re-calibrates communication among family members in a way that restores amity in your home.

If you liked this blog post, SIGN UP NOW for my “Work it Out – Relationship Tips” emails packed with practical, helpful, and fun relationship guidance that you can really use to help your relationship work.

SIGN UP NOW

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

There are four signs that signal a progressive, downward relationship spiral leading to divorce.   But, you can learn to recognize these cautionary signals and take a detour that will put you back on the path to a long, satisfying marriage.

Which couple are you?

This week I met two young couples.  Both couples have been married for about four years.  Both couples are loving parents of a toddler.   Both parents in both couples are gainfully employed in professional jobs that provide health insurance and retirement benefits.  Both couples seem to “have it all”.

But yet, they are distressed.

Amy and Brian are heartbroken because no matter how hard they both try, they can’t seem to stop having the same fights over and over again.  In contrast, Lisa and Mike feel angry because they each see their marital problems as the other’s fault and they have given up trying to talk about it because talking just leads to another fight.

From the outside looking in, these couples seem similar. Both couples experience a lot of conflict and feel distressed.  But for Amy and Brian there is still a high likelihood that they can bring the joy back to their marriage if they quickly take steps to turn their relationship around.  For Lisa and Mike, the chances are slim because they’ve gone too far down the wrong road.

Four Signs You Could Be Headed for Divorce

1. You view your relationship problems as severe.  You started out as flovers (lovers who are also best friends).  But, now you notice that conflict is more frequent and has taken on a negative tone, especially for major issues that keep recurring.  This negativity then begins to bleed over into other aspects of your life, as well.  But, still you are turning toward each other to work things out.
2. Talking things over seems useless. You begin to blame the other for your relationship problems and your relationship talk is characterized by complaints, sarcasm, reciprocated negative feelings, and problem escalation or flooding the conversation with multiple criticisms.  You start to turn away from each other and try to solve the problems individually, rather than as a couple.
3. Spouses start leading parallel, but separate lives. To reduce conflict and tension, and to get some perspective on the relationship, spouses avoid talking about their relationship or issues other than those topics that surround their daily routines.  When other issues do come up, the intense conflict, criticism, and even contempt return.  So, you and your spouse begin to keep your distance and to live more like polite roommates than the intimate flovers you once were.
4. You feel alone in your own home. When communication is restricted to routine matters peppered with the inevitable eruptions of intense conflict, there is little intimacy exchanged between spouses.   You may go through the motions of your daily routine and family life, and may even continue to have sex.  But, your marital intimacy has been replaced, at best, by cordial indifference or, at worst, controlled hostility that lies barely under the surface and frequently erupts.

Where is the Point of No Return?

Couples like Amy and Brian can more easily reverse the downward trajectory because they noticed the first warning signs of relationship distress.  Either on their own, or with the help of a psycho-education course like “Let’s Stay Together”, they have a good chance of restoring the intimacy and happiness in their marriage.

Couples like Lisa and Mike, who continued to ignore the warning signs, have likely reached a “point of no return” or will have a rougher road back to each other than they would have if they had noticed the early warning signs that they were possibly headed to divorce.

If you’ve been seeing the early signs that you are on the road to divorce, try starting a conversation about how to become flovers again.

If you think you might have reached the “point of no return” in your marriage, try starting a civil conversation about your choices:  Are you both willing to try the rough road back to each other or, if not, can you dissolve your marriage amicably before you hurt each other and your children even more.  Granted…that’s a hard conversation to have.  But, I’ve seen couples who thought divorce was inevitable find their way back to each other.  And, ironically, I’ve also seen many miserable couples build a better life for themselves and their children through divorce.

Whether you are seeing the early warning signs or afraid you are reaching the point of no return, share this post with your spouse, start a conversation to discover the right road for you,  and work it out.

Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we (a) deliver our own “Let’s Stay Together – Marriage Refresher Course” – a private psycho-educational course delivered in a workshop-for-two format that serves couples who want to stay married, but also improve their relationship and (b) Divorce Mediation for couples that have decided to divorce but want to remain friendly and reach an agreement that serves the needs of all involved, especially the children.   If you aren’t sure, we can help you figure that out, too.

I’m a Gottman Leader authorized to deliver the Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work Couples Program and to use the Gottman Relationship Checkup when working with couples trying to decide if they have reached a “point of no return”.    I’ll help you work it out. 

If you liked this blog post, SIGN UP NOW for Dr. Jamie’s “Work it Out – Relationship Tips” emails packed with practical, helpful, and fun relationship guidance that you can use to make your relationships work. 

SIGN UP NOW

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Divorcing couples do move through predictable and understandable stages of divorce, each associated with different practical concerns, emotions, and typical behavior patterns.

But, divorce initiation often begins with a seemingly calm, barely detectable phase.   You have to pay close attention or it will catch you by surprise.

Most explanations of the phases of divorce ignore this all important first phase experienced by the person initiating the divorce.   Instead, the typical list of divorce phases focuses on the emotional phases experienced by the person responding to their spouse’s request for a divorce.

A common explanation of the stages of divorce characterizes the divorce as the “death” of the relationship and draws on Elisabeth Kubler-Ross’s well known writing about the Stages of Grief to explain that people typically go through 5 stages of loss and recovery as a result of the divorce: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance.

You’ve likely read these models before.  And, because they can be useful when helping individuals understand their reactions to the divorce, I created and use one of these grief models, too.

My explanation of the phases of divorce includes the following 7 Stages of Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce.  (Notice this model focuses on the final outcome (recovery) not the initial feeling (grief).

Depicting the life-rebuilding process in linear stages can help people know what to expect to experience when they go through a divorce and it can help people understand their own and their partner’s feelings and behavior.  These stage models help people realize that they are experiencing a normal response to a major life-changing event.

Do people go through the stages sequentially? 

Not typically.  Individuals generally move through all of the Stages of Rebuilding After Divorce over time; but, during this challenging time of transition individuals often move in, out, and around the stages as they work toward the process of acceptance and rebuilding their lives.   If individuals get “stuck” in one of the stages, they can seek help from a therapist or family mediator in order to move beyond that stage.

Do spouses experiences the stages at the same time?

Not often.  Usually the initiating spouse is ready to divorce and the responding spouse is reluctant to give up on the marriage.  Some are unwilling to divorce unless forced to do so.

The responding spouse often perceives the initiating spouse as indifferent or unfeeling, with comments as “you don’t seem so sad….you don’t seem to care at all”.  And, in some cases that could be accurate.

More often, however, the initiating spouse has actually cautiously contemplated divorce for some time and, as such, worked through most of the initial emotional stages of divorce BEFORE overtly introducing the topic of divorce to the responding spouse.  This happens in the relatively calm, Contemplative Phase of divorce that often goes unnoticed by the responding spouse.  Yet, it also often leads to divorce initiation and engenders the emotional stages of divorce and rebuilding.

The Calm, Undetectable Contemplative Phase of Divorce

When basically well-adjusted people begin to think about divorce, they typically experience a great deal of cognitive dissonance associated with balancing their personal needs and desires with their competing desire to uphold their commitment to their spouse, their marriage, and for some, their children, as well.

So, they do a lot of thinking.   They have moved beyond denial and experienced anger and sadness.  They assess what they appreciate and dislike about their marriage, their spouse, and how their spouse treats them.  They consider whether or not they would be justified in ending the marriage.  They consider how life would actually be better (or worse) if they were divorced.

Paradoxically, when people truly begin to contemplate divorce, they often are on their best behavior.  They haven’t decided what they want and realize that in the end, they could decide they truly want to stay married.  So, they don’t want to initiate conflict or degrade the marriage relationship, and they don’t want to send the signal that they are contemplating divorce, in case they change their mind.

When an individual moves out of the Contemplative Phase of Divorce and actually introduces divorce as a topic of conversation, the responding spouse is often, understandably shocked.  After all, the initiating spouse seemed happy, they weren’t having much conflict, and their day-to-day routine was running smoothly.  The initiating spouses did a good job covering up while contemplating divorce.  But, this left the responding spouse with little reason to suspect that divorce was on the horizon.  In addition, the initiating spouse seems unfeeling or indifferent to the responding spouse because the initiating spouse has already worked through anger and sadness to determine, although reluctantly, that divorce is inevitable, perhaps even desirable under the circumstances.

Transformative divorce mediation can help the responding spouse understand the Contemplative Phase, reflect back on the initiating spouse’s behavior, and retrospectively recognize when their spouse moved through the initial emotional stages of divorce.  That realization makes it easier for the responding spouse to work cooperatively with the initiating spouse through the acceptance and rebuilding phase of life after divorce.

If you and your spouse are struggling with the emotional Stages of Rebuilding Your Life After Divorce, share this post and try to work it out.   You may want to consider transformative, divorce mediation that will help you remain amicable while you work through your issues and reach agreement on how you will build a stable, but separate future for yourselves.

If you think your spouse might be in the Contemplative Phase of Divorce, share this post as a way to initiate a conversation about whether or not you are both happy in your marriage.  You might be surprised how often, with an early intervention, couples can work it out.

Either way, let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we provide the “Lets Stay Together” Marriage Refresher Course for couples who want to try to make their marriage work again and Divorce Mediation for couples who have decided to divorce, but want to do so amicably.