by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

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A new school year is a perfect time to refresh your approach to parenting and renew the way you interact with your kids. As kids grow and change, your family communication patterns should change, too.

Back-to-school means back-to-routines for children and their parents or caregivers. In anticipation of this annual change, insightful parents adjust their family routines based on their children’s age, disposition, and learning needs. Bedtimes, homework, extracurricular activities, chores, screen time, friend time, meal times, and family time all get adjusted to match a growing child’s needs.

Establishing routines and expectations helps to decrease stress and create a smooth, predictable family life. So, this is all good….Probably even necessary for healthy child development and parental sanity.

Families also benefit when parents and caregivers review the way they interact with their children and make similar age-appropriate adjustments in family communication patterns involving parental encouragement of two-way conversation and parental expectations for conformity of attitudes and values.

Family Communication Patterns

Conformity Orientation denotes the degree to which children are expected to obey their parents without question and express similar attitudes, beliefs, and values. High Conformity families express similar attitudes, beliefs, and values and try to avoid conflict. So, they seem harmonious. But, may not be under the surface. Low Conformity family members express highly divergent attitudes, beliefs, and values and do not shy away from conflict. So, these families seem discordant. But, may actually be more supportive of each other differences than high conformity family members.

Conversation Orientation designates the degree to which parents and children openly express their differing points of view and remain supportive of each other in the process. High Conversation families encourage members to discuss issues and alternative attitudes, beliefs, and values. Low Conversation families discourage (and often sanction) voicing divergent opinions and refrain from open discussion. Instead, children are expected to think like their parents and do as they are told, without question.

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With Conversation Orientation and Conformity Orientation in mind, Ascan Koerner and Mary Ann Fitzpatrick identified four types of families, which I have depicted in the “Types of Families” graphic below.

1. Protective Families are low in conversation and high in conformity. They avoid conflict and emphasize the importance of agreement among members, but engage in little communication about issues. They expect children to obey their parents without asking challenging questions (except the ubiquitous “why”, of course).
2. Consensual Families are high in conversation and high in conformity. They encourage (or at least tolerate) open communication about issues but parents still seek (and often expect) their child’s agreement on important values.
3. Pluralistic Families are high in conversation and low in conformity. They encourage members to appropriately express different points of view and openly engage in communication, while remaining supportive of each other.
4. Laisser-faire Families are low in conversation and low in conformity. They avoid communicating with each other, encourage privacy, and adopt a “do what you want” approach to conflict resolution.

Create Age-Appropriate Family Communication Patterns

Some relationship scholars argue that none of these four family communication patterns are better or more productive than the other types, saying “what works for some families will not work for another family”.

But I disagree.

My research on family conflict, my experience helping families solve problems, and my university-level teaching have convinced me that children need to learn how to formulate their own attitudes, beliefs, and values and express their opinions in a civilized manner before becoming adults.

And, I believe the best way for children to develop moral reasoning and learn to express themselves appropriately and effectively is through age-appropriate interaction at home

In fact, I’ve numbered the Family Communication Patterns 1-2-3 in the order that is likely to work best for most children as they move from pre-school through high school, with parents determining the appropriate pace of skill development for their child.

(Please note that I have intentionally left out #4 Laisser-fair Families because this family structure seems inappropriate for school-age children. The Laisser-fair approach ignores the interdependence of people who share a history, space, and life together, so it is likely to be dysfunctional for an all-adult family, as well).

Here is your challenge:

As part of crafting your new back-to-school routines, review these Family Communication Patterns with your parenting partner, whether you live together or not. Think about which combination of conversation and conformity is appropriate for your child’s age, temperament, and learning needs. Then plan time in your new routines that encourage the family interaction you believe is appropriate for you and your child. If your children are old enough, let them participate in the decisions about how your family will balance conversation and conformity this school year.

You can “work it out” together. Let me know if I can help.

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I am a Florida Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and Gottman Methods Couples Counselor.  You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, a mediation practice specializing in “friendly divorce” mediation and family mediation, as well as Marriage Revitalization and Family Dynamics Mediation for families of all configurations.  Family Dynamics Mediation re-calibrates communication among family members in a way that restores amity in your home.

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by Jamie Williamson, PhD

You know how happily married couples love to share the story of how they met, complete with teasing about fun little details?  These are usually well-rehearsed tales, in which both spouses end up being heroes of their own, happily-ever-after love story.

Well, divorcing couples also want to share the story of their divorce, as well.   Of course, divorcing spouses tell these tales separately and quite often provide dramatically different accounts of their path to divorce.  Most of the time they aren’t lying or delusional.  They just punctuate things differently.  Here’s a common example:

Beth:  I made the choice to stay home and raise my kids. My husband was a workaholic who would rather spend time working than with me and the kids.  He’d make it home for family dinners but then left me alone to work in his office nearly every week night and Saturday he had his chores. On Sunday all he wanted to do was relax and watch a movie or the game.  I was bored and felt unappreciated.   So, I, of course found myself a real man who makes time for me and thinks I’m interesting and special.  My husband was so clueless that he was actually surprised when I told him.  

David:  My wife wanted to be a “stay at home mom” and I agreed.  But, to provide the kind of home and college savings we wanted, I had to work hard and continually advance in my career.  I was happy to do it for her and the kids.  It was a point of honor for me that I was able to provide for them.  When I did get time at home, I wanted to tackle the “honey dos” and just hang out with her and the kids.   But, she wanted to be wined and dined every weekend.  I just didn’t want to have to try that hard to be happy.  I love my wife and kids. I am a good dad and I was a faithful husband.  I wanted a family life.  But, that wasn’t enough for her.  I was completely shocked when she announced she was leaving me for another guy. 

As a Divorce & Family Mediator, I hear these stories all too often.  In situations that involve emotional or physical abuse, one spouse often truly is the villain.  But, most divorcing couples are like Beth and David – they lived in two different, parallel marriages and experienced two very different paths to the end of their relationship.  These different perceptions and the vilification of each other typically metastasize into hardline positions that make the divorce process much more tedious and difficult than it has to be.

Imagine the fighting that ensued after Beth’s very one-sided announcement that she was leaving the marriage to be with another man.  Imagine the long expensive court battle.  Imagine the impact on their children and themselves.

So, how can this be avoided?

The most obvious answer is, once Beth and David first realized they were perpetually repeating the same conflict, they should have had the heartfelt conversations needed to promote mutual understanding and find a way to solve their truly solvable problem.  If they weren’t able to do this themselves, they could have done it through a few sessions of Marriage Mediation, which if done well, can truly make your marriage work again.

But, of course, many people contemplating divorce think they’ve past the point of no return on their path to divorce.  They believe that divorce is inevitable, and actually necessary for them to have a happy future.

When divorce seems like the best and only option, spouses can dramatically impact the quality of their divorce process by initiating the divorce using a strategy called the Negotiated Farewell.  This approach is (a) private (does not involve family members, friends, or lovers); (b) direct (e.g. I’m unhappy); and, also (c) mutual because it allows the time required for both spouses to feel that the divorce is a mutual decision.  During their Negotiated Farewell couples actually jointly construct the story of the end of their marriage.

The Negotiated Farewell isn’t for emotionally immature or combative people.  It requires empathy, cooperation, the willingness to listen, and the parties have to care less about “winning” or being “right” and much, much more about building a stable post-divorce life for all involved, especially the children.

In the end, the couple’s publicly disclosed story of their divorce often is as simple as:

Beth and David: There is no bad guy. We’ve tried everything but neither one of us is happy. We decided to part as friends, and focus on being good parents to our kids so they still see us as a family – regardless of how our family might change overtime.

This may not be a fairy tale ending for Beth and David, but it is one where they can both be heroes in their divorce story and they both have a chance at a happily-ever-after divorce.

If you are contemplating divorce (and are not afraid for your personal safety), look over the Divorce Initiation Strategies here.  Think carefully before you use a strategy other than the Negotiated Farewell or the second most successful, “We need to talk”.  If your partner won’t negotiate with you, this “We need to talk” approach is the best you can do.  Any other strategy can quickly turn the story of your divorce into a tragedy.

If you truly want to part amicably, have a friendly divorce, avoid a messy, painful process, and focus on building a stable, happy future for all involved, then share this post with your spouse and suggest that the two of you participate in Divorce Mediation in order to work it out.

Done the Amity Mediation Workshop way, Divorce Mediation helps couples to recalibrate their approach to communicating with one another while they also negotiate all of their parenting and financial issues.  That’s why we call it Amity Mediation Workshop.

Let me know if I can help.

 

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Marriages have Love Styles. Some lead to fulfilling happy marriages.  Some lead to distress and divorce.   To understand these Marriage Love Styles, you have to first understand that love is an action word, not an emotion.  You and your spouse create patterns of action and inaction that constitute the character of your marriage and define the love you share.

This post is the second in a three-part weekly series focused on applying the concepts of intimacy, commitment and passion to decide whether or not you should initiate actions to rejuvenate your marriage or initiate actions to dissolve it.   The first post, Should I Stay or Should I Go? Part 1: Using a Love Triangle to Assess Your Relationship, introduced the concepts of intimacy, commitment, and passion, laying the ground work you need to assess your marriage.

Robert Sternberg used these concepts to articulate his powerfully descriptive Triangle Theory of Love, which illustrates 8 Love Styles. I expand his theory by using the three dimensions of love and the Love Styles as a guide for making decisions about marriage and divorce.

Let’s review the three dimensions of love that form the love triangle.

The Intimacy Dimension of Love represents the depth of the friendship you share with your spouse, how much you know about each other, support each other, and actually like each other.

The Commitment Dimension of Love represents the degree of dedication and/or obligation you feel toward your marriage, keeping in mind that dedication feels more voluntary to you than obligation, but they may look the same to others.

The Passion Dimension of Love represents the romantic affection you share with your spouse.  This romantic affection takes different forms, depending on age, physical capabilities, and length of relationship.  Nonetheless, physical passion remains an important dimension of marital love at all ages and stages of marriage.

For more detail and the questions that help you assess your own relationship, read the first post in the Should I Stay or Should I Go series.

The degree to which your marriage is characterized by Intimacy, Commitment, and Passion combine to illustrate your relationship’s Love Style.  In Western Culture, the ideal new marriage relationship has a Consummate Love style, which contains high levels of Intimacy, Commitment, and Passion.  Marriages that begin this way have the potential to be fulfilling, long-lasting relationships.

But, then life happens. The typical things: Kids, work obligations and stress, financial worries, no time or money for a date night, no time for your own interests.   Or more serious things: An illness, accident, or affair.

And, then, your ideal Consummate Love relationship changes.

For some, this evolution is a natural artifact of a maturing relationship.  Commitment remains.  But, intimacy and passion wane a bit while the couple works through the typical struggles associated with parenting, career building, and aging.  For others, the evolution results in a more dramatic change in their marriage relationship, represented by a substantial and distressing decrease in one or more of the love dimensions.

Review the Love Styles below, keeping in mind that each of the dimensions run along a continuum from low to high.  You can mark your level on a triangle, create your own unique marriage Love Style, and use the diagrams below to determine the Love Style that most closely matches your marriage.

 

Now, reflect back on your wedding day and the early stage of your marriage. What Love Style best characterized your marriage at that time?

What Love Style best characterizes your marriage now? (If you haven’t already done this, you can find the assessment questions here).

Then ask yourself:

Did your marriage begin as Consummate Love, with high levels of all three dimensions of love in operation? If not, why did you proceed with your marriage? Pregnancy?  Parental Pressure? All your friends were doing it?  What was your actual love style at the beginning of your marriage?

How has your marriage’s Love Style changed from the early days?

Did you move from Romantic Love to Consummate Love? ….which would likely mean your marriage is happier and more fulfilling than it was at the beginning, as it is for many couples?

Did you move from Consummate Love to Companionate Love?….which happens a lot to busy younger couples and also in mature marriages…..and indicates that you are married to your best friend, have enduring positive regard for one another, and enjoy sharing affection and regular sex, but not the intensely passionate “benefits” of the early days.

As explained in The Most Important F-word in Marriage May Surprise You, what allows married friends to remain happy through the inevitable ups and downs of marriage is that they treat each other as they would their best friend. They respectfully and directly address their solvable issues, seek to understand one another, and are willing to cooperate in having the difficult conversations needed to identify the hidden issues disguised by their conflicts.

Or, have you discovered that the degree to which your marriage includes one or two of these key dimensions is so low, that it actually seems completely missing? For example:

• Romantic Love is missing enduring commitment, but can still feel good in a marriage …for the moment. You are married to your lover, but he doesn’t do his part to uphold the daily commitments and obligations of your married life together. This is how serious dating relationships start…but a successful married life takes two people working together.
• Empty Love includes commitment, but is missing intimacy and passion. This is the most unfulfilling of all types of marital love and represents the difference between commitment and obligation. You and your spouse stay married, because you feel obligated, you see no viable financial alternative, or “for the children”. You’re married but you don’t share your thoughts and feelings and rarely, if ever, have sex. You stay married for all the wrong reasons and have likely been contemplating (or even plotting) divorce for quite some time.

Over the next week, keep thinking about the Intimacy, Commitment, and Passion dimensions of love.  Determine your Marriage’s Love Style. How does your Marriage Love Style impact your level of happiness?  Level of distress?  Check in next week to learn how you can put this assessment to use.

If you are ready, share your Love Style assessment with your spouse. Then, start to Work it Out.

And, let me know if I can help.

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By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

The most commonly thought of F-word is not the one that most often causes marriages to decay. Despite what magazine articles and sensational internet posts might claim, happily married couples do NOT typically have sex every day or even every week.  After the newness wears off, most happy couples get into a routine of having sex a few times per month.  That’s enough to maintain romantic intimacy and keep the marriage fire going.

Friendship actually is the F-word that needs the most attention if you want to retain or regain a happy marriage. The single most distinguishing characteristic between happy couples and distressed couples is that happy couples are more likely to be best friends and actually treat each other as best friends would.

These married friends truly enjoy each other’s company. They routinely create opportunities to be together doing activities they both enjoy and alternating between each other’s favorite activities. They know each other’s simple preferences, like how they like their coffee, their back scratched, and their steaks prepared. They know each other’s pet peeves and either share them or find them amusing.

Because they are friends, happy couples share and express mutual respect. They know each other’s intimate secrets, disappointments, hopes, dreams, and deeply held values. They have a deep and strong positive regard for each other and naturally demonstrate their care and support of one another in dozens of ways – big and small – every day.

Married friends also have both typical, solvable conflicts and the more distressing ongoing conflicts that can be very troubling for some couples.  The difference between happy couples and those heading for divorce is not the absence of solvable conflict, ongoing conflict, or even gridlock.

What allows married friends to remain happy through the inevitable ups and downs of marriage is that they treat each other as they would their best friend. They respectfully and directly address their solvable issues, seek to understand one another, and are willing to cooperate in having the difficult conversations needed to identify the hidden issues disguised by their conflicts.  But, to be in this marital zone, you and your spouse truly have to be friends.

So, the next time you complain to your spouse for the 10th time about the same thing, remember the most important F-word in marriage and ask yourself this very important question: Is this the way I should talk to my best friend?   If not, focus on the friendship, not the incident, calm down, and “Work it Out”.

Then, start making your spouse your new best friend.

Let me know if I can help.

I’m a FL Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and part of the Gottman Referral Network. You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we specialize in “friendly divorce” mediation and use the Gottman Method in our psycho-educational “Let’s Stay Together”  marriage refresher course for groups or customized private sessions for couples who want to restore or enhance their marital happiness.  These sessions can be conducted in person and now over Zoom.  I also speak frequently on relationship topics and author the relationship blog  “Work it Out”.