By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

You can be “right”, or you can stay happily married.

That doesn’t mean you must be a doormat if you want to stay happily married. 

Instead, you can accept that there is no objective reality in a relationship.  There are two subjective realities – in your reality, you’re right and in your partner’s reality, they’re right.

To stay happily married, you need to find a solution that works for both of you.  You can do that by following my Home Team Approach to resolving conflict.  

People who care more about winning an argument and being “right” than they do about repairing their relationship, often end up divorced.  Because if one person is winning, the other person is losing, and that means a loss for the home team. 

Consider these common conflict examples:

Example #1: Who Started It?

Jason and Ashley are eating at the bar of their favorite local restaurant. Jason is flirting with a female acquaintance next to him and Ashley is talking to her sister on her phone.  Once their food arrived, they turned toward each other. After their initial harsh “I can’t believe you…” comments they barely spoke until they got into the car and their “who started it” fight broke out.

Ashley argued that Jason started it. She would not have called her sister if he had not been flirting.

Jason argued that Ashley started it. He only flirted because she was on the phone.

They will never be able to agree on who is right in this circular conflict.  And, to stay happily married, they shouldn’t even try.

Relationship communication is a series of continuous transactions. There is no clearly identifiable beginning or ending to any communication episode.  When people think back over a stream of communication, they “punctuate” it by breaking the episode into smaller segments and labeling some of the segments causes and the other effects. 

Punctuation allows people to identify the beginning and end of a communication event as a convenient way to understand and/or explain what happened first, second, and so on.

 And people punctuate interaction in self-serving ways that reflect better on themselves and are consistent with their self-image.

The Home Team Approach to Conflict Resolution

Jason and Ashley could settle this issue by following the Four Steps in the Home Team Approach:

• Internally accept that they both experienced the event differently.
• Validate the other’s reality.
• Acknowledge their own role in what went wrong and apologize.
• Commit to not letting something similar happen again.

Ashley: You must have felt so left out.  I was having such a good conversation with my sister that I didn’t realize how rude I was being to you. I’m so sorry.

Jason: You must have felt like I was trying to make you jealous.  I just hadn’t seen her in a while and wanted to catch up. I didn’t think about how it might look to you. I’m sorry, too.

Ashley: Well, what a waste of a date night for us.  We know better.

Jason:   Let’s never let it happen again.

Example #2: No, you didn’t.  Yes, I did.

Gabe and Maria drove separate cars to their cabin in North Georgia. Maria asked Gabe to stay close because she was nervous about driving through Atlanta at night. Gabe promised he would. Gabe led and kept Maria’s car in his rearview.  But when he moved across lanes a car often got in between them. Maria felt panicky because she had difficulty identifying Gabe’s car in the dark.

When they arrived, Maria initiated a fight, accusing Gabe of breaking his promise and making her feel unsafe. Gabe said she was being dramatic. He did not break his promise. He stayed close and could see her car the whole time. They replayed this “no, you didn’t, yes, I did” argument the entire weekend.

The Home Team Approach Alternative

Gabe: You must have been nervous.  I didn’t realize that you couldn’t identify my car among the others at night.  I’m so sorry.  I always want you to know that I’m looking out for you.

Maria: No wonder you think I’m overreaching. I didn’t realize you had your eye on me the whole time.  Instead of fuming, I should have called to say I couldn’t find you in the traffic. 

Gabe: I should have done more to ensure no cars were between us.

Maria: Let’s not waste another minute of our weekend on this. We’ll do better next time.

People who care more about winning an argument and being “right” than they do about repairing their relationship, often end up divorced.   Because if one person is winning, the other person is losing, and, that means a loss for the home team. 

If you can remember that you and your spouse are on the same team, you’ll worry less about being “right” and winning an argument.   If you can accept that in relationships there is no objective “right” or “wrong”,  you can learn to maximize your home team advantage by following my Home Team Approach to conflict resolution. And, you can stay happily married for a lifetime.

Let me know how I can help.

Jamie C. Williamson, PhD is a Florida Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and member of the Gottman Referral Network of relationship professionals. You’ll find her at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we specialize in “friendly divorce” mediation and use the Gottman Method in our psycho-educational “Let’s Stay Together”  counseling programs and workshops, designed for couples who want to restore or enhance their marital happiness.  Dr. Jamie also speaks frequently on relationship topics and authors the relationship blog  “Work it Out”.

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

If you want to improve your relationship and think making New Year’s Resolutions as a couple is a good idea, think again.  Relationship-based resolutions can’t lead to sustainable increases in happiness because they are worded like wishful thinking instead of like SMART relationship goals that ignite motivation and turn it into action and behavior change.

Sure, relationship resolutions are paved with good intentions.  Bridal Guide magazine even suggests eight New Year’s Resolutions that couples should make, including ideas like “spend more time together”, “go on dates”, “try new experiences”, and “do nice things for each other”.  

These Resolutions sound like ways to strengthen a relationship…until we acknowledge the studies that show that only 8% of Americans who make a New Year’s resolution keep them all year and 80% have failed by the start of February.  

Why New Year’s Resolutions Fail

Clinical Psychologist and self-coaching expert Joseph J. Luciani, Ph.D. says most resolutions fail due to a lack of self-discipline. But I think people fail to keep their New Year’s Resolutions because their wishful thinking is not backed up by sustainable action plans. 

Whether trying to avoid something detrimental to your relationship (like too much screen time) or trying something new that will be good for your relationship (like date nights), the change will be difficult because your current patterns likely evolved gradually, outside of your awareness. And, the status quo is at least predictable and comfortable in the short term, even if you know it isn’t producing the kind of relationship you want for the long term.

Make SMART Relationship Goals, Not Lofty Resolutions

I encourage couples to break current patterns by making optimistic challenges for their relationship in the form of SMART goals, galvanized by action plans. SMART goals are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Bound. 

Unlike New Year’s Resolutions, SMART goals produce success because the process of achieving them is segmented into small steps that can be taken one at a time. This makes the goal much less overwhelming and lets you plan clearly toward achieving it.

Here’s an example of a SMART relationship goal:

We will have out-of-the-house date nights (specific), once per month (achievable, measurable), so that we have more couple time to restore intimacy (relevance), between now and our 10th-anniversary trip (time-bound).

How to Transform New Year’s Resolutions into SMART Relationship Goals

Couples can transform their New Year’s Resolutions into Relationship SMART Goals following these five steps:  

1. Reflect on your relationship and determine how you want your relationship to change. You can do this individually and then share your ideas or do it as a couple from the start.  Just be sure you are future-focused and don’t let the conversation lead to fault-finding or blame.
2. Write down your SMART goals for the areas in your relationship that you both are committed to changing.  Be specific. Your goals should describe what you want to accomplish and why it is important to you. Make sure your goal is measurable in a way that you have control.  Make sure your goal is achievable – a stretch, but not practically impossible to reach. And, set a specific deadline for accomplishment to be sure your goal is timebound.
3. Post your relationship goals so that you both can see them every day.
4. Share your goals with family or friends that you trust.  Research shows that you will be more likely to achieve your goals if you tell the right people (not everyone) about them and keep those people informed of your progress.
5. Be flexible. If your goals become outdated or irrelevant, tweak them or replace them.

Close relationships are fragile.  A small crack that goes untended can easily become a larger break that leads to patterns of more distant interaction (or fighting) that slowly erode intimacy. Unless couples resolve to repair the damage, they will eventually reach a point of no return. 

Despite good intentions, however, a couple’s New Year’s Resolution to “spend more time together” or “go on dates” will likely fail by February if they don’t create SMART goals and a sustainable action plan.

Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, LLC, where we specialize in “friendly divorce” mediation and psycho-educational marriage revitalization sessions and programs using a practical, psycho-educational approach grounded in the Gottman Method. I also speak frequently on relationship topics and author the blog “Work it Out”.   

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

 ‘tis the season.  But how do you know the right gift to give your partner? 

Most gift givers assume that a more expensive present will be more appreciated, yet, receivers don’t appreciate expensive gifts more than other less expensive gifts.  And, that goes for gifts of clothes, wine, home décor, jewelry, and even the price of an engagement ring.

Research clearly shows that money can’t buy you love.  Instead, when it comes to gift giving, it truly is the thought (and effort) that counts.  

Or, said differently, expensive gifts can’t buy you love, but the right gift can.

So, how do you select the “right” gift? 

Selecting the right gift begins with the understanding that the gift you give – no matter the cost – communicates how you feel about the receiver and the relationship you share.  If you want your partner to receive a message of love, appreciation, admiration, and commitment, then you need a gift that makes that statement.

A good gift is tailored to the needs and desires of the receiver and also communicates a commitment to the relationship.

But the best gifts do all of that and more.  The best gifts also reflect effort and high levels of involvement.

For example, if your husband dreams of owning a sailboat and, like most of us, you can’t afford it, don’t buy him a toolbox or a new pair of running shoes.  Show him you want his dreams to come true.  Buy him a sailboat (and captain) for a day. Arrange with his boss for a day off, schedule child care, and buy him a pair of deck shoes.  Then, the two of you go for a day of sailing. Include a night sleeping on the boat, if your budget allows.   If that is too much, buy him a subscription to Sailing magazine, open a special “sailing” savings account, and start saving for next year’s rental or even boat ownership.  Just let him know his dream is your dream, too.

Or if your wife is a busy mother who longs for the romance and excitement of your early marriage but barely has time to blow dry her hair, don’t buy her a gold bracelet or the truly forbidden food processor (unless it comes with a cooking class in Italy).   If she longs to feel passionate again, show her she is still the woman you married. Buy her a day of luxury and romance.

Do all the planning. Book her into a resort spa, arrange for her to have a day off, arrange childcare, and schedule a massage, mani-pedi, facial, and blow-out (or whichever services you can afford).  Give her a new sexy top to wear with her black pants, and end with an overnight “date night” at the resort.  If that’s too much, give her the mani-pedi, send the kids to grandma’s, and prepare a romantic dinner at home.  Just let her know for sure that, to you, she’s not just a mom, she’s the love of your life.

If you can follow the spirit of these examples and create a gift tailored to your partner’s unique needs and desires, you should be able to send a strong message of love, appreciation, and commitment to your partner.  These types of gifts truly have a long-lasting “wow” effect and create wonderful holiday memories.

It truly is the thought and effort that counts.

Here’s another, less extravagant but still effective example.  Last year around Thanksgiving, my husband broke his favorite reading glasses.  He had a backup pair and could get along fine for a few weeks.  I could have easily ordered him a new pair of readers. But, I knew they wouldn’t be the same.  So, instead, I searched until I found an optometrist’s office willing to repair the old ones, wrapped the repaired glasses in tissue, and put them in his Christmas stocking.

When he unwrapped his repaired favorite glasses on Christmas morning, he said “This is way better than a new pair….how did you do it?”  And, I replied, “That’s the real present”.

Getting the glasses repaired was tailored to his needs and the effort showed my commitment to him and our relationship.  The effort also showed a high level of involvement (I had to do a lot of running around rather than just order something online).

Although my husband received other more expensive gifts last year, the repaired readers were his favorite because they told him the lengths I would go to make him happy.   In turn, he was happy with me.

Money didn’t buy that all-around happy feeling.  It truly was the thought and effort that counted.

Love is, after all, an action word.

Give all of this some thought and get creative. Make this the year you give your spouse (and anyone else) the best Christmas present ever.

Try sharing this post with your spouse to start a discussion about what you both might want most for yourselves and your relationship this year.  Talk about what it means to recognize that the best gifts are not the most expensive.  The best gifts are tailored to the receiver’s unique needs and desires, reflect effort and involvement on your part, and demonstrate your commitment to the person and the relationship you share. Then work it out so you have the best (and perhaps, least expensive) Christmas ever.

If you would like to give your spouse a private and fun marriage enhancement course, contact me and I’ll set it up for you. You’ll find me at Amity Mediation and Relationship Workshop, where we offer psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Sessions grounded in the Gottman Method. We call these “Let’s Stay Together” and offer them to happy couples who want to stay together forever.

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by Jamie C.  Williamson, PhD

Married couples who play together, stay together.  

But that doesn’t mean you should treat your marriage like a game.  If you treat your marriage like a game, you’ll get played and lose every time.

What this does mean is that couples who “play together” by engaging in fun, novel activities grow closer to each other, experience more positive emotions toward each other and their relationship, and as a result are happier and want to stay together.

Can it really be that easy?   Yes, it can.

Why Playing Together Helps You Stay Together

First, playing together in novel and arousing activities keeps you (and your spouse) from getting bored and your relationship from becoming a boring routine.

Boredom sacks the current joy out of your relationship and, if not addressed, leads to increasing dissatisfaction over time, the temptation to seek excitement outside the relationship, and/or ultimately the “we’ve just grown apart” explanation for divorce.

Second, playing together also helps you and your spouse connect the good feelings you experience during the activity to your overall relationship.

Third, participating in novel and arousing activities makes people feel happier in general, and when you are a happier person, you are more likely to be a happy partner and extend that positive emotion to your marriage and spouse.

How far do you have to go to keep you and your spouse out of a boring routine?

Off the couch, maybe.  But, not that far.

Go for a bike ride. Throw a football around. Take a walk on the beach or a canoe ride. Try a Stand-Up Paddle board.  A new restaurant.  Get to know other couples — new friends you make together.

Remember, marriage is not a game.  Both husband and wife are on the same side.

So be sure you aren’t keeping score.  If your wife “wins” because you agree to try something new that she recommended, you both win.

And, if your husband “wins” because you agree to try something new that he likes, you also both win.

Here’s a common example for football season (just remember, the point of the story is gender neutral)

If your husband really enjoys watching college football, learn to like it, too, rather than pout and try to make him feel guilty.  (You might have to pretend at first).  This will add a new activity for you to enjoy together.

In turn, he will naturally connect the fun he has watching the game with you to positive feelings about you.  As a result, he will be more likely to want to make you happy and will look for ways to do that – like take a cooking class, or run a 5-K, go with you to church, or start a weekly date night.

Husbands, keep in mind that if you initiate the weekly date night (for example), your wife will transfer her good feeling about that to you and, as a result, be more likely to want to look for novel ways to make you happy, as well.

The point is that if you want to avoid (or get out of) the rut of relationship boredom, you have to play together by engaging in novel and arousing activities.  It doesn’t matter who is ahead at the end of the first quarter.  You’re both on the home team.

Can the novel and arousing activities involve sex?

Sure.

But, you are unlikely to be any good at sex play, if you aren’t fully engaged with each other out of the bedroom.  And, if you suggest novel sex before you’ve shown a willingness to “get off the couch”, your effort will backfire.   First things first.

If you are starting to feel bored in your marriage, share this post with your spouse and talk about ways you can add some new activities or people to your life.   Discuss how the positive feelings you get from these new experiences will help you grow closer again, increase your relationship satisfaction, and decrease the likelihood that you will “grow apart” (or be tempted to find excitement elsewhere).

Pick a new activity and begin to work it out.  If your spouse won’t go along at first, try learning to like something your spouse already enjoys so you can do it together. Then, try to add something novel to you both.

And, let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we facilitate divorce, family and civil mediations.  We also use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative, psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses for individal couples who want to stay together, but restore the joy in their marriage.

Sign Up Now  to receive Dr.  Jamie’s “Work it Out – Relationship Tips”  emails packed with practical, helpful, and fun relationship improvement tips.

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by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

A new school year is a perfect time to refresh your approach to parenting and renew the way you interact with your kids. As kids grow and change, your family communication patterns should change, too.

Back-to-school means back-to-routines for children and their parents or caregivers. In anticipation of this annual change, insightful parents adjust their family routines based on their children’s age, disposition, and learning needs. Bedtimes, homework, extracurricular activities, chores, screen time, friend time, meal times, and family time all get adjusted to match a growing child’s needs.

Establishing routines and expectations helps to decrease stress and create a smooth, predictable family life. So, this is all good….Probably even necessary for healthy child development and parental sanity.

Families also benefit when parents and caregivers review the way they interact with their children and make similar age-appropriate adjustments in family communication patterns involving parental encouragement of two-way conversation and parental expectations for conformity of attitudes and values.

Family Communication Patterns

Conformity Orientation denotes the degree to which children are expected to obey their parents without question and express similar attitudes, beliefs, and values. High Conformity families express similar attitudes, beliefs, and values and try to avoid conflict. So, they seem harmonious. But, may not be under the surface. Low Conformity family members express highly divergent attitudes, beliefs, and values and do not shy away from conflict. So, these families seem discordant. But, may actually be more supportive of each other differences than high conformity family members.

Conversation Orientation designates the degree to which parents and children openly express their differing points of view and remain supportive of each other in the process. High Conversation families encourage members to discuss issues and alternative attitudes, beliefs, and values. Low Conversation families discourage (and often sanction) voicing divergent opinions and refrain from open discussion. Instead, children are expected to think like their parents and do as they are told, without question.

With Conversation Orientation and Conformity Orientation in mind, Ascan Koerner and Mary Ann Fitzpatrick identified four types of families, which I have depicted in the “Types of Families” graphic below.

1. Protective Families are low in conversation and high in conformity. They avoid conflict and emphasize the importance of agreement among members, but engage in little communication about issues. They expect children to obey their parents without asking challenging questions (except the ubiquitous “why”, of course).
2. Consensual Families are high in conversation and high in conformity. They encourage (or at least tolerate) open communication about issues but parents still seek (and often expect) their child’s agreement on important values.
3. Pluralistic Families are high in conversation and low in conformity. They encourage members to appropriately express different points of view and openly engage in communication, while remaining supportive of each other.
4. Laisser-faire Families are low in conversation and low in conformity. They avoid communicating with each other, encourage privacy, and adopt a “do what you want” approach to conflict resolution.

Create Age-Appropriate Family Communication Patterns

Some relationship scholars argue that none of these four family communication patterns are better or more productive than the other types, saying “what works for some families will not work for another family”.

But I disagree.

My research on family conflict, my experience helping families solve problems, and my university-level teaching have convinced me that children need to learn how to formulate their own attitudes, beliefs, and values and express their opinions in a civilized manner before becoming adults.

And, I believe the best way for children to develop moral reasoning and learn to express themselves appropriately and effectively is through age-appropriate interaction at home

In fact, I’ve numbered the Family Communication Patterns 1-2-3 in the order that is likely to work best for most children as they move from pre-school through high school, with parents determining the appropriate pace of skill development for their child.

(Please note that I have intentionally left out #4 Laisser-fair Families because this family structure seems inappropriate for school-age children. The Laisser-fair approach ignores the interdependence of people who share a history, space, and life together, so it is likely to be dysfunctional for an all-adult family, as well).

Here is your challenge:

As part of crafting your new back-to-school routines, review these Family Communication Patterns with your parenting partner, whether you live together or not. Think about which combination of conversation and conformity is appropriate for your child’s age, temperament, and learning needs. Then plan time in your new routines that encourage the family interaction you believe is appropriate for you and your child. If your children are old enough, let them participate in the decisions about how your family will balance conversation and conformity this school year.

You can “work it out” together. Let me know if I can help.

I am a Florida Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and Gottman Methods Couples Counselor.  You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, a mediation practice specializing in “friendly divorce” mediation and family mediation, as well as Marriage Revitalization and Family Dynamics Mediation for families of all configurations.  Family Dynamics Mediation re-calibrates communication among family members in a way that restores amity in your home.

If you liked this blog post, SIGN UP NOW for my “Work it Out – Relationship Tips” emails packed with practical, helpful, and fun relationship guidance that you can really use to help your relationship work.

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By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

My friend Mike confided to me yesterday that he and his wife of over 20 years are getting a divorce.   Although the split was her idea, he was quick to choose to forgive her and focus on building a stable future for himself, his wife, and their children. 

He told me he thought it all through carefully. He said he understood that even though he was content in their marriage, no amount of effort or counseling could put the joy back in their marriage for her.  Something was missing for her that he knew he could not provide.  And, he quoted Desmond Tutu saying “Without forgiveness, there’s is no future.”

This is a very mature, evolved perspective.  And, I wanted to check if it was real.  So, I asked “what about you and your feelings”?  You’re giving up a life that made you happy…a life that once made her happy…so that she can build a different kind of happiness without you.  Aren’t you hurt? Angry? Sad?

And, Mike explained:

Even after all this time to get used to the idea, I am quite sad over the family life I am losing and I want to make sure my kids hurt as little as possible.  And, I’ll admit I felt angry at first.  I wanted to hurt her.  I wanted her to beg me to forgive her.  But, I quickly realized I was more in shock, than angry.   

So, I stopped reacting and started to truly listen to her explanation, which she patiently provided a few times. Then I made myself think about our marriage from her perspective. About my own role in the deterioration of our romantic side.  I thought about the opportunities for happiness she could have in a different life.  And, I got it. I truly did.  After that, it was easy for me to tell her that I forgive her and to focus on solutions that worked for both of us, and our kids.

Why did forgiveness come so easy for Mike?

I know Mike pretty well.  He has strong spiritual beliefs that require him to turn the other cheek.  He also ranks high in his ability to take another person’s perspective. He can feel and express empathy.  And, he still cares about his soon-to-be X-wife, so he doesn’t want to try to make her feel worse than she already does.  In fact, he wants to help her save-face, so she feels less guilty and can regain happiness more quickly.

Mike also knows the value forgiveness plays in preserving a relationship.  He knows he and his wife will not be able to be good co-parents, if they do not forgive one another.

In the end, forgiveness is a choice.

 A choice not to fight.

A choice not to hold a grudge.

A choice to surrender your pride to obtain peace.  In the end, waving the white flag of surrender, is a sign of maturity and strength, not submission and weakness.

What makes forgiveness difficult for some people?

People who generally find it hard to forgive others include (1) people with a fairly low self-esteem who build themselves up by viewing the other’s mistakes as much worse than their own and (2) people who are cognitively immature and have an underdeveloped sense of empathy.

But, even the most empathic and developmentally mature among us have to remind ourselves about the importance of forgiveness when the transgression is quite severe, has occurred too often, or is likely on-going – especially when the transgressor has not sincerely apologized.

(If you are seeking forgiveness, you may want to read “Effective Apologies Turn Conflict Aftermath into Healing Afterglow” to learn the five key attributes of an effective apology.)

There also is a common tendency, called the Fundamental Attribution Error,  that makes people view other’s mistakes as due to internal causes like their personality or character traits.  In Mike’s case, he could have said his wife’s falling out of love with him was caused by her “her lack of ability to keep her promises”, “her selfishness”, or “her overly romantic idea of what long-term married life is like”.

These are harsh judgments that would have made it difficult, if not impossible, for Mike to forgive his wife and preserve a friendly relationship with her.

The flip side of the Fundamental Attribution Error makes it even more difficult.

Instead of assuming that our own mistakes are caused by our character or personality traits, we explain away our mistakes by attributing them to external causes like situational factors or life circumstances.  In Mike’s case, he would say “I was only inattentive because I had to work such long hours”, “It just the aging process” or “The guys count on me”.

These explanations allow Mike to let himself off the hook, rather than take responsibility for his part in the deterioration of his marriage.  Both sides of the Fundamental Attribution Error combined allow Mike to blame his wife and absolve himself.   To judge her harshly, rather view her through empathetic eyes.  To self-righteously hold a grudge, rather than forgive.

Fortunately, Mike quickly reframed his attributions and listened carefully to his wife’s concerns. He surrendered his pride and obtained an empathic perspective.  As a result, he and his wife have maintained a peaceful relationship as they try to reach agreement on important issues and build a stable future for themselves and their children, rather than keep rehashing the past.

Please give the Fundamental Attribution Error some thought.  Is this common tendency prohibiting you and your partner from forgiving each other, preserving a friendly relationship, and having a happy future?

If so, share this post with your partner (or anyone else you’re struggling with) and suggest that you both give forgiveness a try.

Surrender your pride. Choose not to fight.  Not to hold a grudge.

Choose forgiveness. 

Then, start to Work it Out.  Even if you are headed for divorce, you can make it a friendly one.   But, if you want to stay together, choosing forgiveness is necessary.  Without forgiveness, there is little hope for a happy future together.

Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we facilitate divorce, family and civil mediations.  We also use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative, psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses for our clients who want to stay together and  restore the joy in their marriage.

If you liked this blog post, SIGN UP NOW for my “Work it Out – Relationship Tips” emails packed with practical, helpful, and fun relationship guidance that you can really use to help your relationship work.

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By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Is it ever ok to lie? 

Not all lies are unexpected.  Not all lies are unethical.  Not all lies hurt others.  In fact, sometimes lying is the right thing to do.

Sometimes.  But, not usually.  Especially in a close personal relationship grounded in trust, like marriage.

Lying is only one of many forms of deception, which occurs anytime you knowingly allow someone to believe something that is not true.

And, yes…lies of omission (intentionally withholding information) are deception, too.

But, intent is a key ingredient here.  Intent differentiates between a “hard-to-overlook” deception and an “easy-to-forgive” honest mistake.  If you provide inaccurate or false information that you believed to be true, you did not lie. And, most people get that.

The motive behind the deception also influences how most people evaluate a particular deceptive act, with some motives being generally expected, some easily forgiven, and others being harshly judged.

The table below borrows from extant deception research (including my own) to illustrate that Motives for Deception fall along a continuum from Pro-Social to Anti-Social and are associated with specific goals and behaviors.

Deception designed to Benefit Others is engrained in western culture and part of our daily interactions. Most of us learned early in life that failure to engage in these pro-social actions is often considered impolite, unnecessarily hurtful, or disloyal.  We compliment our host, even if we didn’t care for the meal. We praise a child’s painting even though we can’t really identify the subject. We equivocate when a friend asks if we like her new hair style. And — although we may not substitute a lie for the truth, most of us willingly withhold information that might embarrass a dear friend, trusted colleague, and, especially our spouse.  There are certain stories we just don’t tell in order to help those we care about save face.

Similarly, people use Self-Enhancement Deception as a natural way to present their best self and manage the impression others have of them. Most of the time these self-enhancement strategies go unnoticed or, if found out, are easily forgiven because they are so commonly used by us all. We talk about our successes, but omit or minimize our failures. We blame the traffic for making us late, rather than say we overslept.  And, we pretend to know more than we do about wine, or the market, or our job – and then go study up.  Of course, when taken to the extreme of an out-right lie on a resume, routine fabricated excuses, or constant boasting, even these relatively harmless attempts to make yourself look good can backfire.

Self-Protective Deception crosses further into anti-social territory because it involves selfishness, and often ends up hurting others.  As such, depending on the issue and relationship involved, this type of defense mechanism can engender anger, create conflict, and reflect poorly on the deceiver’s character.

Self-Protective Deception, if discovered, has less of a negative impact on casual relationships than it does on long-term relationships and marriage because (a) close personal relationships are characterized by commitment and trust and (b) breaking that trust is a major violation of expectations.  Still, the extent of the negative impact of Self-Protective Deception depends on the importance of the issues, as well.  Saying you had a salad for lunch, when you really had a cheeseburger is much different than saying you were working late, when you really went to a bar with a mixed-gender set of co-workers.  Both will affect your partner’s perception of you, but the self-protective lie that has the potential to also hurt others is considered more unethical and more antisocial than the lie that doesn’t threaten others. And, naturally, when discovered, a Self-Protective Lie about an important topic erodes trust in a long-term relationship and also engenders hurt and anger, creates conflict, and erodes the relationship, as well.

Spouses may use Self-Protective Deception to protect their marriage relationship.  For example, a wife might lie about a regrettable, one-time infidelity to protect herself but also to maintain and protect her marriage relationship (and even her spouse).   If discovered, the wife has two problems:  She engaged in infidelity and then lied about it.  Explaining that she lied to “protect the relationship” won’t help much to mitigate the impact of these transgressions.

Deception focused on Harming Others can involve deliberately lying to harm someone’s reputation, to obstruct a colleague’s ability to succeed at work, or to interfere with a rival’s desire to start and maintain a relationship. These lies are considered anti-social and unethical. The most egregious and harshly judged lies, however, are those told to by people who deliberately hurt others by trying to deflect attention from themselves or shift blame from themselves to another, innocent person.

Thankfully, deception focused on harming others is relatively uncommon in satisfying, long-term relationships like marriage, because these healthy relationships are typically characterized by good will, positive regard, and cooperation, despite the occasional (and perfectly normal) conflict.

During relational distress, however, couples often exaggerate (or falsely accuse) each other of wrongdoing to gain the loyalty of their family and mutual friends.  And, worse yet, divorcing parents may lie about each other to gain the loyalty of their children.

Bottom line:  Everybody lies. And everybody knows it.  And, in certain situations, certain kinds of deception are considered pro-social, acceptable, and even desired.

But, before you lie to anyone about anything, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Do you have your partner’s best interest at heart? Are you trying to help someone save face? Or trying too hard to make yourself look good?
2. Will the deception help both you and your partner, or is it a selfish lie?
3. What are the possible repercussions of your lie? If your lie is discovered (and the big ones usually are), how will it affect your partner’s feelings? Your relationship? Your own credibility? Your own reputation? The professional and personal well being of the subject of your lie?
4. Could there be unintended consequences of your lie? Remember, if you lie to gain the loyalty of your children, you may hurt your former spouse, but you also deny your children a loving relationship with their other parent.
5. How hard will it be to maintain the lie? If you exaggerate when talking to strangers on the plane, that’s one thing.  You’ll never see them again.  But, when you lie to your co-worker, close friend, and especially your spouse, you will have to continue lying over and over again.
6. How will the lie change you? If you tell polite, prosocial lies you’ll probably feel good about yourself and others will, too. If you deceive someone you love about an issue that is important to your relationship and you have to keep telling more lies to cover-up the first ones, you may become unrecognizable, even to yourself.

Once you’ve thought through these questions, I suspect you’ll be able to formulate your own answer to the question “Is it ever ok to lie?”

If you’re reading this post after a lie has already impacted your relationship, try sharing it with your partner to start a conversation (not a series of accusations) about motives.  The Motives for Deception grid will help you understand each other and separate small transgressions from big ones.  Most couples can keep small transgressions in perspective.   The big transgressions require more sincere regret, genuine forgiveness, a new relationship map, and a sincere effort to “work it out”.

Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find Dr. Jamie C. Williamson at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we do Marriage Mediation designed to help couples find solutions and reach agreements that re-establish trust.

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Many people started out the New Year thinking about getting a divorce, even if they didn’t realize it at first.

People rarely include “get a divorce” on their list of resolutions. Instead, divorce becomes the unhappy (but necessary) by-product of resolutions like “This is the year I’m going to have the courage to change the things I can”…..  Or  “This is the year I’m going to start taking care of my own needs and quit trying to get my spouse to change”….Or “This is the year I’m going to stop playing these games and start a new  life — before it’s too late. ”  …or some other version of:  “This is the year I’m going to find a way to be happy”.

These are familiar resolutions, with the thought of divorce often hidden by the worthy intentions to make a better life. So, it follows that divorce filings peak during the post-holiday season, particularly in January and March.  The January spike derives from couples who do their best to get through the holidays for the children’s sake, and then act on their joint decision to divorce after the holidays.  The March uptick can be traced to individuals who decide they want a divorce before or during the holiday period but choose not to tell their spouse until after the holidays.

Sometimes, of course, people hang on to their last bit of optimism and believe that the holiday magic will rekindle their marriage flame. But, that rarely happens.  Instead, fake holiday warmth and cheer provides a stark contrast to true holiday joy.

And, by mid-January many distressed people decide to either stick with their resolve to take action or to resign themselves (and their spouse and children) to another game of charades or worse yet, family feud.

If you have resolved that “this is the year you create a better life for yourself and your family” you may have also reached the painful conclusion that getting a divorce is the best (and maybe only) option that will promote your future emotional and psychological well-being, and that of your spouse and children.

If so, your next step is to determine which of the four paths to a legal divorce is right for you and your circumstances: You can choose the Do it Yourself Divorce, the Pre-Suit Pro Se Divorce (with a mediator, but not attorneys), the Pre-Suit Divorce (with attorneys and a mediator), or the Attorney Driven Divorce.

To decide which path will serve you best, answer the following questions:

(1A) If you have children, what type of divorced parenting partnership is in the best interest of your children.  For most people, the answer to this question is either “Facilitating Friends” or “Accommodating Allies”, both of which involved high levels of good will and cooperative communication.  Read more about type of Divorced Parenting Partnerships here.

(1B) If you don’t have children, would you and your spouse like to remain on friendly terms?

If you want a friendly divorce, you could select from among the Do It Yourself, Pre-Suit Pro Se (without attorneys), or the Pre-Suit, with Attorneys.

(2) How complicated are your financial circumstances?

Do you have customary assets like a home, car, bank accounts, and retirement accounts, as well as typical liabilities like a mortgage, car payment, and credit card bills? Or are your finances more complicated, involving a family business, a trust, or a complex investment portfolio?

If you have simple finances and no children, the Do It Yourself may work for you. If you have children and simple/moderately complex assets and liabilities to equitably distribute, then you could choose between Pre-Suit Pro se (without attorneys), or Pre-Suit, with Attorneys. If you have a highly complex mix of assets and liabilities, you may best be served by an Attorney Driven divorce.

(3) What amount of family resources are you able or willing to invest in the divorce process?

The Do It Yourself divorce is the least expensive, but comes with the need to complete complicated forms and work through emotional issues on your own.   If your finances are simple AND you and your spouse are detail oriented, well organized, have a high level of good will for one another and excellent communication and conflict resolution skills, then the DYI option may work for you.

The Pre-Suit Pro Se path (a friendly divorce without lawyers) is also relatively inexpensive.  For example, Pre-Suit, Pro Se fees at Amity Mediation Workshop on Florida’s Emerald Coast range from $1,400 to $3,000, depending on the complexity of your assets and whether or not you have children. The fees may be even less if you qualify for the Court Sponsored mediation program.

For this moderate cost, in the Pre-Suit  Pro Se option your mediator facilitates the emotional discussions and empowers you to reach mutual agreement on all of your current issues. The mediator also prepares your Marital Settlement Agreement , Parenting Plan, and Child Support Guidelines Worksheet.   Many mediators, like those at Amity Mediation Workshop, also include assistance with document preparation and Family Law Forms.  This type of one-stop shop helps simplify and de-stress the divorce process.

The Pre-Suit with Attorneys path is more expensive than a divorce without lawyers, but also typically less expensive and less adversarial than an attorney driven divorce.  Along this path to divorce, attorneys guide their clients’ decision making, but work in a collaborative manner with each other. The mediator works directly with the parties to help them resolve issues and create their Marital Settlement Agreement.

The Attorney-Driven path to divorce is the most expensive and will vary by lawyer and region. According to Lawyers.Com , the average attorney fees for a divorce in Florida are $10,700 and the average total cost of a Florida divorce with attorneys $13,500.   The costs range depending on whether or not children and complicated assets are involved, as well as how acrimonious and protracted the process becomes.

(4) How quickly would you like to complete the divorce process so you can start building a stable future for you and your children?

The DYI divorce could be the quickest, if you have limited/no assets, no children, no problem completing the forms, and high levels of good will and cooperation with one another.

The Pre-Suite Pro Se friendly divorce without lawyers typically involves a one-hour planning session and two weekly 2-to-3 hour mediation sessions.  This means that by utilizing a mediation practice like Amity Mediation Workshop you could resolve all of your issues and be ready to file for a non-contested divorce in about one month.

The Pre-Suite with Attorneys path stretches over a longer time period than the Pre Suit, Pro Se, in large part due to the attorneys’ scheduling and the time they need for advance consultation and preparation with their client.  Still, this path is much quicker than the Attorney Driven path.

The Attorney-Driven path to divorce takes the longest.  According to Lawyers.Com, the average duration of the attorney-driven divorce process in Florida is 15 months and ranges from 7 to 30 months, depending on attorney schedules, the complexity of the case, and the amount of acrimony that creeps into the process.

So you decide.

If you are like most (but certainly not all) people, a Pre-Suit, Pro Se divorce may be your best option:

1. You want to remain friendly with your spouse, especially if you will continue being Parenting Partners.
2. You have typical assets and liabilities that can be equability distributed without complicated legal transactions.
3. You would rather reserve family resources so that you and your spouse have the money you need to start over and build a stable future for yourselves and your children.
4. You would rather move forward deliberately and begin building a happy, stable future rather than be stuck in limbo for a year or more rehashing the past.

At Amity, our guiding philosophy of civility and a friendly approach to facilitating conversations permeates our mediation work. And we embrace an optimism about what people can do with and for each other if they are simply willing to focus on finding solutions that are good for them AND for the others involved in their issues, especially children.  

We know that most couples and families truly value peaceful resolution of issues with as little hurt to those involved as possible.  We hope couples and families can stay together. But, our goal is to help people eliminate distress in their relationships and maintain at peace, whether they stay together or not.

Our approach supports and guides individuals as they work to settle their differences and define for themselves the future of their relationships. If you have decided to divorce, share the Paths to Legal Divorce graphic with your spouse. Decide which option is best for you.  Then, start to Work it Out.

And, let me know if I can help. You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop where we conduct Pre-Suit, Pro Se Divorces in an amicable environment.  Our approach to Divorce Mediation helps you to resolve your issues without another fight and to build a stable future for all involved, especially the children.

P.S.   Deciding whether or not to get divorced is excruciatingly difficult. If you are struggling with that question, and need help working through the decision-making process, read my three-part series titled Should I Stay or Should I Go?    And, let me know if I can help you and your spouse work through the decision together.

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

I’ve said it a thousand times, but people still don’t believe me.     

Conflict can actually be good for your relationship.

Conflict can lead to greater understanding. Conflict can clarify similarities, differences, and preferences. Conflict can help couples learn how to deal with future conflict. And, perhaps most importantly, conflict can make it clear where efforts to communicate can and should be strengthened.

Surprisingly, conflict can be good for your relationship even if you occasionally behave badly (but not abusively) during the conflict….. as long as you master the art of the true apology.

Sure, using a conflict style that would be considered “constructive” creates a more pleasant conflict aftermath. Constructive styles that involve a concern for your partner and your relationship include tactics like collaboration or compromise, which often help resolve conflict and set the stage for forgiveness.

Likewise, using a conflict style that would be considered “destructive” creates a less pleasant conflict aftermath. Destructive styles that show little concern for your partner or your relationship include tactics like competing or avoidance, which rarely lead to peaceful resolution or forgiveness.

Your conflict style influences the conflict aftermath, for sure. But, what can make an even bigger difference is an effective apology.

What constitutes an effective apology?

First and foremost, avoid the “pseudo-apology” that goes something like this:  “I’m sorry you can’t take a joke” or “I’m sorry you are so upset” or “I’m sorry you just don’t understand”.

These statements are NOT apologies, they are critical statements that imply that your partner is overly sensitive rather than that you made a mistake.   Pseudo-apologies lead to more conflict, and, if used often enough, severely deteriorate the quality of a relationship.

In contrast, offer a “true apology”.

The five key attributes of a true apology include:

1. Be earnest and sincere, and not rushed.
2. Acknowledge specifically what you did wrong and state that you take responsibility.
3. Explain what happened, but do not offer excuses. An excuse negates the apology.
4. Offer to make amends or promise to change.
5. Ask for forgiveness.

Here’s an example:  Husband Stays Out Late with Co-Workers Without Calling Wife

Husband’s Pseudo apology: Fine. I’ll call home to “mommy” next time. I’m sorry you don’t understand how important it is for me to socialize with my co-workers.

Husband’s True apology: I am so sorry that I stayed out so late without calling to let you know I was ok and what was going on. I know you were worried about me and didn’t want to embarrass me by calling me when I was with my work friends.  I didn’t want leave the group to call home, but I could have easily texted you. And, I should have done that. I promise I won’t let it happen again. Please forgive me.

It isn’t hard to see the difference that a true apology would make in shaping the aftermath of this common couple conflict.  

Try it yourself. You’ll be amazed how disarming a true apology can be. But, also remember, there is an art to the true apology. Knowing when to deliver a true apology is almost as important as knowing how to do it.

Be careful not to overdo it. Apologizing too often for insignificant infractions or things you are not responsible for diminishes the impact when you make a true apology. However, a true apology that is given freely and sincerely, when needed, will turn the aftermath of conflict into an afterglow of relational healing.

If your relationship could benefit from the use of true apologies, share this post with your partner, promise to help each other practice apologizing, and you will be surprised how often you can “work it out”.

Let me know if I can help.  You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, LLC 

by Jamie Williamson, PhD

You know how happily married couples love to share the story of how they met, complete with teasing about fun little details?  These are usually well-rehearsed tales, in which both spouses end up being heroes of their own, happily-ever-after love story.

Well, divorcing couples also want to share the story of their divorce, as well.   Of course, divorcing spouses tell these tales separately and quite often provide dramatically different accounts of their path to divorce.  Most of the time they aren’t lying or delusional.  They just punctuate things differently.  Here’s a common example:

Beth:  I made the choice to stay home and raise my kids. My husband was a workaholic who would rather spend time working than with me and the kids.  He’d make it home for family dinners but then left me alone to work in his office nearly every week night and Saturday he had his chores. On Sunday all he wanted to do was relax and watch a movie or the game.  I was bored and felt unappreciated.   So, I, of course found myself a real man who makes time for me and thinks I’m interesting and special.  My husband was so clueless that he was actually surprised when I told him.  

David:  My wife wanted to be a “stay at home mom” and I agreed.  But, to provide the kind of home and college savings we wanted, I had to work hard and continually advance in my career.  I was happy to do it for her and the kids.  It was a point of honor for me that I was able to provide for them.  When I did get time at home, I wanted to tackle the “honey dos” and just hang out with her and the kids.   But, she wanted to be wined and dined every weekend.  I just didn’t want to have to try that hard to be happy.  I love my wife and kids. I am a good dad and I was a faithful husband.  I wanted a family life.  But, that wasn’t enough for her.  I was completely shocked when she announced she was leaving me for another guy. 

As a Divorce & Family Mediator, I hear these stories all too often.  In situations that involve emotional or physical abuse, one spouse often truly is the villain.  But, most divorcing couples are like Beth and David – they lived in two different, parallel marriages and experienced two very different paths to the end of their relationship.  These different perceptions and the vilification of each other typically metastasize into hardline positions that make the divorce process much more tedious and difficult than it has to be.

Imagine the fighting that ensued after Beth’s very one-sided announcement that she was leaving the marriage to be with another man.  Imagine the long expensive court battle.  Imagine the impact on their children and themselves.

So, how can this be avoided?

The most obvious answer is, once Beth and David first realized they were perpetually repeating the same conflict, they should have had the heartfelt conversations needed to promote mutual understanding and find a way to solve their truly solvable problem.  If they weren’t able to do this themselves, they could have done it through a few sessions of Marriage Mediation, which if done well, can truly make your marriage work again.

But, of course, many people contemplating divorce think they’ve past the point of no return on their path to divorce.  They believe that divorce is inevitable, and actually necessary for them to have a happy future.

When divorce seems like the best and only option, spouses can dramatically impact the quality of their divorce process by initiating the divorce using a strategy called the Negotiated Farewell.  This approach is (a) private (does not involve family members, friends, or lovers); (b) direct (e.g. I’m unhappy); and, also (c) mutual because it allows the time required for both spouses to feel that the divorce is a mutual decision.  During their Negotiated Farewell couples actually jointly construct the story of the end of their marriage.

The Negotiated Farewell isn’t for emotionally immature or combative people.  It requires empathy, cooperation, the willingness to listen, and the parties have to care less about “winning” or being “right” and much, much more about building a stable post-divorce life for all involved, especially the children.

In the end, the couple’s publicly disclosed story of their divorce often is as simple as:

Beth and David: There is no bad guy. We’ve tried everything but neither one of us is happy. We decided to part as friends, and focus on being good parents to our kids so they still see us as a family – regardless of how our family might change overtime.

This may not be a fairy tale ending for Beth and David, but it is one where they can both be heroes in their divorce story and they both have a chance at a happily-ever-after divorce.

If you are contemplating divorce (and are not afraid for your personal safety), look over the Divorce Initiation Strategies here.  Think carefully before you use a strategy other than the Negotiated Farewell or the second most successful, “We need to talk”.  If your partner won’t negotiate with you, this “We need to talk” approach is the best you can do.  Any other strategy can quickly turn the story of your divorce into a tragedy.

If you truly want to part amicably, have a friendly divorce, avoid a messy, painful process, and focus on building a stable, happy future for all involved, then share this post with your spouse and suggest that the two of you participate in Divorce Mediation in order to work it out.

Done the Amity Mediation Workshop way, Divorce Mediation helps couples to recalibrate their approach to communicating with one another while they also negotiate all of their parenting and financial issues.  That’s why we call it Amity Mediation Workshop.

Let me know if I can help.

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Wondering how to improve communication in your marriage?  Frequent problems don’t ruin a marriage.  But, ineffective communication can.  So, you might need to improve communication in your marriage before it’s too late.

If it seems that all you and your spouse do is fight about money, the kids, sex, and not making enough time for each other, then you’re in good company.

The majority of married adults with children in the United States frequently report these topics as issues of distress and dissatisfaction in their marriage.  Some also add “interference from in-laws”, “jealously over previous relationships”, and “no time with friends”.

Troubling as they are, however, these issues are not the ones most likely to lead to divorce.

Instead, “ineffective communication” is more likely to lead to divorce more than any of these other common issues.  In fact, ineffective communication is the most common cause of divorce in America today.

How can that be?

Except for the very young and naïve couples, most people enter into marriage expecting ups and downs associated with finances, raising a family, and supporting each other’s dreams. They know that there will be times when one or both of them is too tired, too preoccupied, or too old to want frequent sex.  They know there won’t always be enough money to go around. And, they know their families well and know how to predict how their extended families will interfere or try to manipulate them.

None of this comes as a surprise to most married couples in the U.S. today.   But, what does come as a surprise is that they lack the emotional intelligence and communication skills to work through these predictable issues in a satisfactory way.

As a result, extant research shows that Communication satisfaction influences marital happiness and satisfaction more than satisfaction with finances, ability to visit with friends and family, or sexual satisfaction.   That is, for example, couples who feel good about the way they talk through troubling issues about their sex life, are happier than those people who may have a better sex life, but have trouble sharing their feelings about it.   Likewise, couples who feel good about the way they work through their financial troubles together, have a stronger, happier marriage, than those couples who have more money, but less cooperative discussions about their budget and financial plans.

When a couple has both financial problems (or sexual problems, or…….) AND poor communication skills, then their level of distress can become a negative spiral that whips around their home and across nearly all topics in their relationship.

So, how do you develop the type of communication patterns that lead to communication satisfaction and higher levels of marital happiness?  First, you have to recognize the communication patterns indicative of marital distress when you see them. Then you can begin the skill-building work that will turn your current conflict into productive, satisfying, and relationally enriching conversations.

Dr. John Gottman, a well-known researcher and expert on the communication that leads to divorce, summarized over 25 years of research into the following list of communication behaviors that distinguish non-distressed, happy couples from distressed couples headed for divorce.

Characteristics of Non-distressed, Happy Couples

•  Partners are friends.
• Exchange more positive feelings
• Focus on each other’s positive qualities, good times, etc.
• Interact frequently
• Share power, rather than seek it.
• Engage in problem-solving communication
• Seek understandings that overcome gridlock
• Create shared meaning, values, attitudes, interests, traditions

Characteristics of Distressed Couples Heading for Divorce

• Exchange negative interactions
• Perceive that they have negative interactions
• More sarcasm
• More negative feelings reciprocated
• More complaints
• More interpretations of the other person’s behavior as negative
• Engage in “problem escalation” communication

If you and your spouse display the characteristics of non-distress, happy couples, you are to be congratulated.  And, as long as you stay friends and keep up these practices you and your family will likely remain happy, well-adjusted, and in-tack.

However, if you recognize that your marriage is rot with characteristics of the distressed couples heading for divorce, take swift and deliberate corrective action.

Our Marriage Revitalization sessions and programs provide an alternative to traditional marital therapy that appeals to couples who want to work out current issues and focus on building their future well-being, rather than stay stuck rehashing the past.  Using a practical, psycho-educational approach grounded in the Gottman Method, we help both distressed and happy couples deepen their intimate connection, work out any current issues, and master the essential habits of couples who stay happily married for a lifetime.

Check out our new  “Let’s Stay Together”  Marriage Refresher Course, which we customize and deliver in a built-for-two workshop format.  A Marriage Refresher Course can make your marriage work again.

Share this post with your partner and suggest that the two of you get help breaking these bad communication habits before you pass the point of impasse and no return.  It’s rarely “too late” for people who really want to “work it out”.

Let me know if I can help.

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

If you have decided that getting a divorce is the best (and maybe only) option that will promote your future emotional and psychological well-being, and that of your spouse and children, your next step is to determine which of the four paths to a legal divorce is right for you and your circumstances.

To decide which path will serve you best, answer the following questions:

(1A) If you have children, what type of divorced parenting partnership is in the best interest of your children.  For most people, the answer to this question is either “Facilitating Friends” or “Accommodating Allies”, both of which involve high levels of good will and cooperative communication.  Read more about types of divorced Parenting Partnerships here.

(1B) If you don’t have children, would you and your spouse like to remain on friendly terms?

If you want a friendly divorce, you could select from among the Do It Yourself,  Pre-Suit Pro Se (without attorneys), or the Pre-Suit, with Attorneys.

(2) How complicated are your financial circumstances?

Do you have customary assets like a home, car, bank accounts, and retirement accounts, as well as typical liabilities like a mortgage, car payment, and credit card bills? Or are your finances more complicated, involving a family business, a trust, or a complex investment portfolio?

If you have simple finances and no children, the Do It Yourself may work for you. If you have children and simple/moderately complex assets and liabilities to equitably distribute, then you could choose between Pre-Suit Pro se (without attorneys), or Pre-Suit, with Attorneys. If you have a highly complex mix of assets and liabilities, you may best be served by an Attorney Driven divorce.

(3) What amount of family resources are you able or willing to invest in the divorce process?

The Do It Yourself divorce is the least expensive, but comes with the need to complete complicated forms and work through emotional issues on your own.   If your finances are simple AND you and your spouse are detail oriented, well organized, have a high level of good will for one another and excellent communication and conflict resolution skills, then the DYI option may work for you.

The Pre-Suit Pro Se path (a friendly divorce without lawyers) is also relatively inexpensive.  For example,  fees for a friendly, Pre-Suit, Pro Se divorce at Amity Mediation Workshop on Florida’s Emerald Coast range from $1,400 to $3,000, depending on the complexity of your assets and whether or not you have children.

For this moderate cost, in the Pre-Suit  Pro Se option your mediator facilitates the emotional discussions and empowers you to reach mutual agreement on all of your current issues. The mediator also prepares your Marital Settlement Agreement , Parenting Plan, and Child Support Guidelines Worksheet.   Many mediators, like those at Amity Mediation Workshop, also include assistance with document preparation and Family Law Forms.  This type of one-stop shop helps simplify and de-stress the divorce process.

The Pre-Suit with Attorneys path is more expensive than a divorce without lawyers, but also typically less expensive and less adversarial than an attorney driven divorce.  Along this path to divorce, attorneys guide their clients’ decision making, but work in a collaborative manner with each other. The mediator  works directly with the parties to help them resolve issues and create their Marital Settlement Agreement.

The Attorney-Driven path to divorce is the most expensive and will vary by lawyer and region. According to Lawyers.Com , the average attorney fees for a divorce in Florida are $10,700 and the average total cost of a Florida divorce with attorneys $13,500.   The costs range depending on whether or not children and complicated assets are involved, as well as how acrimonious and protracted the process becomes.

(4) How quickly would you like to complete the divorce process so you can start building a stable future for you and your children?

The DYI divorce could be the quickest, if you have limited/no assets, no children, no problem completing the forms, and high levels of good will and cooperation with one another.

The Pre-Suit Pro Se friendly divorce without lawyers typically involves a one-hour planning session and two weekly 2-to-3 hour mediation sessions.  This means that by utilizing a mediation practice like Amity Mediation Workshop you could resolve all of your issues and be ready to file for a non-contested divorce in about one month.

The Pre-Suit with Attorneys path stretches over a longer time period than the Pre Suit, Pro Se, in large part due to the attorneys’ scheduling and the time they need for advance consultation and preparation with their client.  Still, this path is much quicker than the Attorney Driven path.

The Attorney-Driven path to divorce takes the longest .  According to Lawyers.Com, the average duration of the attorney-driven divorce process in Florida is 15 months and ranges from 7 to 30 months, depending on attorney schedules, the complexity of the case, and the amount of acrimony that creeps into the process.

So you decide.

If you are like most (but certainly not all) people, a Friendly, Pre-Suit Pro Se divorce may be your best option:

1. You want to remain friendly with your spouse, especially if you will continue being Parenting Partners.
2. You have typical assets and liabilities that can be equability distributed without complicated legal transactions.
3. You would rather reserve family resources so that you and your spouse have the money you need to start over and build a stable future for yourselves and your children.
4. You would rather move forward deliberately and begin building a happy, stable future rather than be stuck in limbo for a year or more rehashing the past.

At Amity, our guiding philosophy of civility and a friendly approach to facilitating conversations permeates our mediation work. And we embrace an optimism about what people can do with and for each other if they are simply willing to focus on finding solutions that are good for them AND for the others involved in their issues, especially children.  

We know that most couples and families truly value peaceful resolution of issues with as little hurt to those involved as possible.  We hope couples and families can stay together. But, our goal is to help people eliminate distress in their relationships and maintain peace, whether they stay together or not.

Our approach supports and guides individuals as they work to settle their differences and define for themselves the future of their relationships. If you have decided to divorce, share the Paths to Legal Divorce graphic with your spouse. Decide which option is best for you.  Then, start to Work it Out.

And, let me know if I can help.

P.S.   Deciding whether or not to get divorced is excruciatingly difficult. If you are struggling with that question, and need help working through the decision-making process, read my three-part series titled Should I Stay or Should I Go?

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Around Father’s Day traditional and new media produce pithy articles about the characteristics of great fathers.  These lists typically include valuable advice like: spend time with your children, discipline with love, be a role model for good behavior, teach your kids to appreciate what they have (don’t be an ATM), read to them, play with them, listen to them, always put their interests first, and be sure to show that you love and respect their mom.

Each of these insightful suggestions have merit but sometimes they create a conundrum for even the most devoted fathers.  For example, how does a busy Dad balance investing ample time with his children with investing quality time in his relationship with their mother – his wife?

Too many women contemplating divorce tell me that their husband is a great dad, but no longer a great husband.

Recently one brokenhearted mom lamented that her husband does his share of the work at the house and spends a great deal of quality time with their children, but pays very little attention to her.  She gets home from work first, and when he gets home, he always greets the kids before he greets her.  He’s affectionate with the kids, but shows little affection to her (except in bed).  He compliments his daughter’s appearance, but rarely hers.  He plans fun family activities, but never an evening out with her.    She feels like she has a great co-parenting relationship and a disappointing, empty marriage.

I listened to these concerns knowing that if her husband doesn’t learn to balance being “a great dad” with being a “loving husband”, he will soon be a divorced dad planning visits with his kids, rather than coming home to them and his wife each day.

And, I listen knowing that in situations like this one – where the dad has the best of intentions but is missing the mark – the “fix” isn’t that difficult.   In most cases, the devoted Dad is more clueless than truly insensitive. He would never intentionally demoralize his wife and certainly doesn’t want to be divorced.  So, I suggested that the wife should try to initiate a collaborative conversation about this common, solvable problem.

For the most successful outcome, avoid putting your spouse on the defensive by picking the right time for initiating the conversation and by using a Soft Start-Up.

Address the issue directly and head-on, but still use a Soft Start-Up that includes a complaint, but not criticism or contemptuous accusations.   Here’s the difference:

Complaint – focuses on a specific behavior and addresses the specific infraction your spouse made.

Example:  You are such a great Dad.  You do more than your share of work around the house and you spend time with the kids on their homework and just playing with them.  They adore you.  And, so do I.  I would really like for us to find a way to have more quality time together.  I know if may sound a bit selfish, but I need to feel like your wife, not just their mother. 

 Criticism – is the complaint plus a negative comment about your spouse’s personality or overall character

Example:  You are such a great Dad. You spend plenty of time with the kids.  But, you just don’t get it.  You never think to pay that kind of attention to me.  Don’t you care about my feelings?

Contemptuous accusation – fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about your spouse and conveys disrespect and/or disgust through sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, hostile humor, etc.

Example:   You are such a GREAT dad.  Too bad you are such a lousy husband.  People say I’m lucky to be married to a man that helps out so much and spends so much time with the kids.  But, they don’t know that you are not really a man to me.   If you don’t start paying attention to me, I’ll find someone who will.

It isn’t easy to turn a conflict about needing more attention from your husband – or any other topic – into a collaborative conversation you are both comfortable having.  Partners need to have a positive disposition about each other to be willing to participate openly and respectfully (rather than defensively).  This is most likely to happen if the initiator choses  the “right time” for the conversation – meaning you are both calm and able to focus – and use a Soft Start-up.

You also have to be open to considering your partner’s opinions, ideas, motivations and preferences.  For collaborative conversations to work, you have to be willing to back away from strident views. You have to be willing to listen to, and be influenced by, your partner.   This does not mean that you have to agree with each other, but rather accept the other’s point of view as valid and understandable, under the circumstances.  This is the point where you seek more to understand than to be understood, and move out of conflict into a productive conversation about how to resolve your issue.   Which, in this case, is how to inject a bit of romantic love back into your marriage.

Collaborative Conversations require the willingness to bring up a touchy subject.  But, when the possible outcome can make your marriage work again, the payoff is worth the effort to overcome your nervousness, learn the soft-start up, and “work it out”.

Let me know if I can help.

by Jamie C.  Williamson, PhD

Sometimes divorced parents must sacrifice their own desires to act in “the best interest of the children”. 

Here’s an example.  My neighbor is a divorced Mother in an exemplary co-parenting relationship with the Father of her children.  This is his week to be with their kids.  He’ll have them all week until Saturday at 6 p.m. when he will take them to their mom’s house so they can wake up with her on Mother’s Day. That’s his Mother’s Day gift to her and to his children.

This is an obvious, appropriate choice for most of us. And, of course, she does the same for him when Father’s Day falls on her weekend.

Do they want to cut their parenting time short? Of course not!  But they will because they know it is in the best interest of their children to have a strong, loving relationship with both their Mom and their Dad.

And they are right.   In most cases (and there are obvious exceptions) the “best interests of the child” include having a close, loving relationship with both parents.

Ideally, all children would grow up with parents who worked together (whatever the family configuration) to ensure and encourage their child’s physical and mental well-being, happiness, security, intellectual growth, and socio-emotional development.

But, accomplishing this ideal requires a great deal of effort and self-sacrifice in the best of circumstances.  And it can be particularly difficult for parents who are contemplating divorce, in the middle of a divorce, or already living separate lives.  How do these parents balance their own happiness and well-being with their children’s best interests?

Florida Family Law Statutes 61.13(3) codify the factors that determine “the best interest of the child” in child custody disputes and the courts consider an amalgamation of these factors when making decisions about custody.  One key example is the demonstrated capacity and disposition of each parent to facilitate and encourage a close relationship with the other parent.  And there are 19 other considerations including, the developmental needs of the child, the parent’s capacity to be involved in the child’s school and extracurricular activities, and the demonstrated capacity of each parent to act on the needs of the child as opposed to the needs of the parent.

Fortunately, parents can also consider these criteria on their own or during mediation to work out a parenting arrangement that is in the best interest of their children based on their own unique circumstances.

This week I learned of a divorced mother who agreed to relocate to where her children’s Father was being transferred so that her children could have a meaningful relationship with their Dad.  I also learned of a divorced mother who plans to remain living near her children’s dad, rather than move out-of-state with her fiancé.  She’ll have a long-distance new marriage so that her children won’t lose regular and frequent contact with either of their parents.

These are exemplary Mothers, who — without a court order — agreed to sacrifice their own self-interest to do what they know is in the long-term best interest of their children.  And, of course, there are many other divorced mothers whose choices were less dramatic, but the outcome is still the same.  These Moms cooperatively adjust their own schedules to share parenting with their children’s Fathers in various arrangements that serve the best interest of their children.

Let’s applaud all parents (and parent surrogates) who make sacrifices on behalf of their children every day.   Let’s give a special ovation to those divorced parents who sacrifice their own self-interests so that their children can have a relationship with both of their parents.

If you’re struggling to decide what type of parenting plan is in the best interest of your children, you might find mediation as an amicable way to “work it out”.   Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we facilitate Divorce, Family, and Civil Meditations.  We also conduct co-parenting psycho-educational sessions that provide divorced co-parents with a tool kit for handling conflict and a safe place to learn new ways to communicate with each other. We help co-parents discover the Co-Parenting Partnership Type that is right for their circumstances and set them on a path toward building a stable future, rather than be stuck rehashing the past.

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Like most actions in a close, intimate relationship, trust follows the “norm of reciprocity”.  You will trust your partner, if you sense that your partner trusts you, and visa versa.

What this means is that, if you act overly jealous or suspicious, you will not likely end up in the place of your dreams with a trustworthy partner. Instead, you’ll engender defensive responses from your partner and likely start down the very road you wanted to bypass.

The best way to discover if you can truly trust your romantic partner is to behave in a trustworthy manner, and also demonstrate that you trust your partner, as well.

If you do this, and your partner reciprocates by behaving in a trustworthy manner and by demonstrating trust in you, then you know your relationship is built on a solid foundation of predictability, dependability, and faith – the three building blocks of trust.

But, of course, for this trust norm-of- reciprocity to operate, you have to know how to demonstrate that you are trustworthy, so you can model if for your partner.

To demonstrate that you are trustworthy, you need to be predictable, dependable, and faithful.

Are you predictable?   Do you keep your partner guessing about your mood or your feelings?  Are you kind one day, insensitive the next?  Do you display and withhold affection to get your way or punish your partner?

If you answer “yes” to any of these or similar questions, your partner will be unlikely to trust you completely and to be “all in” when it comes to behaving in a consistently positive manner toward you.

Are you dependable? Do you call when you say you will call? Do you do you part of the household chores when you are getting ready for guests? Do you take care of the kids when your spouse is sick? Do you do your part without being asked or reminded?  Do you anticipate your partner’s needs and meet them, without expecting something in return?  Are you “there” for your partner?

If you can answer “yes” to these types of questions, then your partner likely thinks of you as dependable. If not, your partner probably wishes you would change.  These issues probably create conflict in your relationship and your partner may be thinking of trading you in for a grown up.  If you don’t want that to happen, learn to be more dependable so your partner can count on you and build trust in you.

Are you faithful? Do you openly and frequently express how you feel about your partner to your partner and others in your family and social circle?   Do you take the time to listen to your partner’s concerns, even when you are involved in your own issues?  When out at a party or with others, do you behave in ways that let your partner know you are loyal?  Do you avoid doing things that you know would hurt your partner’s feelings?

Or do you just do what feels right to you and expect your partner to just deal with it?

If you answered yes to this last question, then you are probably sending signals that your partner cannot trust you to be continually responsive and caring. You are communicating to your partner that you care more about your own fun, comfort or popularity than you do about your relationship.   This will erode your partner’s trust in you and discourage your partner from being trustworthy, as well.

If you are having trust issues in your relationship and want to “work it out”, remember that if you demonstrate that you are predictable, dependable and faithful, you will strengthen the trust your partner has for you and, in turn, encourage your partner to be more trustworthy.

Make this “norm of reciprocity” work for you.

And, let me know if I can help.

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

One of the main reasons people in contemporary western culture get stuck in what I call the Contemplative Phase of divorce is that the purpose of marriage itself has evolved over the last few decades, leaving people confused about what they value most from what should be the most valuable relationship in their life.

They can’t distinguish their sense of obligation from their once loving commitment. They can’t figure out how their best friend became a stranger.  They desperately want to be happy AND do the right thing.  So, they are left wondering, “how unhappy do I have to be in order to justify divorce?”

Ideal marriage is no longer characterized as a traditional (and very practical) exchange relationship, where the husband is head of the household and provides for the economic well being of the wife who keeps the home fires burning.   Instead, as more women earned college degrees, developed careers, and exercised their family planning options, men and women began to marry primarily for love, along with mutual interests, dual incomes (unless they decide otherwise), and shared decision making, parenting and household responsibilities.   

Today, the fairy tale marriage includes spouses who are lovers, friends, and committed equal partners.

Most couples know to expect temporary changes in their relationship due to work pressure, the introduction of children to the relationship, and other life events.  However, when couples experience a serious, long-lasting deficiency in the intimacy, passion, or commitment they once shared, they sense that their marriage love style has changed, prompting either or both of them to contemplate divorce.

Imagine it…..you took a vow. Made a commitment.  And, likely married someone who was once your best friend.  Things changed. You miss the loving relationship you once shared.  And, you have done all you know how to do to revitalize your marriage.   The improvements didn’t last.

So, now you wonder….

“How unhappy do I have to be in order to justify initiating a divorce?”

This post is the third and final post in a three-part series focused the way you and your spouse display intimacy, commitment and passion to create your Marriage Love Style, which can evole over time.  For more detail and the questions that help you assess your own relationship, read the first two posts in the Should I Stay or Should I Go series.

Robert Sternberg used the concepts of intimacy, commitment, and passion to articulate his powerfully descriptive Triangle Theory of Love, which illustrates eight Love Styles. I expand his theory by using the three dimensions of love and the Love Styles as a guide for making decisions about marriage and divorce.

Let’s review the Love Styles below, keeping in mind that each of the dimensions run along a continuum from low to high.  You can mark your level on a triangle, create your own unique marriage Love Style, and use the diagrams below to determine the Love Style that most closely matches your marriage.

Now, reflect back on your wedding day and the early stage of your marriage. What Love Style best characterized your marriage at that time?

What Love Style best characterizes your marriage now?

How has your marriage Love Style changed over time? (If you haven’t already done these assessments, you can find the questions here).

And, now the hard part.

First: Determine how your current Marriage Love Style impacts your level of satisfaction with your marriage. On a scale of 1 (very dissatisfied) to 7 (very satisfied). How satisfied are you with the current state of your marriage love style?

Second: Distinguish between your satisfaction with your Marriage Love Style and your own personal level of happiness.  For example, you could be experiencing a lower level of intimacy and passion than optimal, but you just adopted a baby and so, despite the change in love style, you are personally happy. Or your spouse just got a new job, so you understand why she is preoccupied and are happy being supportive during this change.   On the other hand, you could be experiencing a much lower level of intimacy and passion that has lasted a few years without a reasonable explanation. You’re married, but feel alone in your own home. As a result, you are personally very unhappy.

Third:  Identify the problem (even if it is you) and make changes. Make sincere attempts to reconcile differences and do all you know how to do to improve the relationship and prevent its failure. (Stay tuned for future blogs on this critically important step.)

Four: Revisit your satisfaction meter. Did your attempts to improve the relationship have a meaningful impact? Or does the relationship continue to cause you distress? Prevent you from growing? Demoralize you?

Five:  Decide and take deliberate action either way. If you are knowingly stuck in failed relationship, you are voluntarily choosing not to be as happy as you could be. And, be assured, you are selfishly keeping your spouse from being truly happy, as well. You’re both living the marriage equivalent of a glass half empty.  If you stay, know you have to commit to being  “all in”  or there is little chance you will restore the joy in your marriage or reach the red line on your own happiness meter.

This concludes our three-part “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” series. Please take the time to read all three posts and reflect carefully on the concepts and questions asked.  And, then decide what is best for you, your spouse, and your children, if you have them.

As you finalize  your decision, let me leave you with one of my favorite commentaries how to decide whether or not to end a marriage.  Leo Buscaglia penned it over 30 years ago, but it is timeless:

“The very measure of a good relationship is in how much it encourages optimal intellectual, emotional and spiritual growth. So, if a relationship becomes destructive, endangers our human dignity, prevents us from growing, continually depresses and demoralizes us — then, unless we are masochists and enjoy misery, we must eventually terminate it.  We are not for everyone and everyone is not for us.  The question is,  

“if we cannot be with another, can we at least not hurt them? Can we, at least, find a way to coexist?”

At Amity, we adopted a guiding philosophy of civility and a friendly approach to facilitating conversations that permeates our work. And we embrace an optimism about what people can do with and for each other, if they are simply willing to focus on finding solutions that are good for them AND for the others involved in their issues, especially children.  

We know that most couples and families truly value peaceful resolution of issues with as little hurt to those involved as possible.  We hope couples can stay together. But, our goal is to help people eliminate distress in their relationships and maintain peace, whether they stay together or not.

Our approach supports and guides individuals as they work to settle their differences and define for themselves the future of their relationships. If you are ready, share all of this with your spouse.   Then, start to Work it Out.

And, let me know if I can help.

Like our Facebook page to receive notices of future blog posts.

By  Jamie C.  Williamson, PhD

The most frequently asked question for me these days is “How do I know whether I should get divorced, or keep trying?” Sadly, many married people remain in this ambivalent “Should I Stay or Should I go” state for years.

During this time — which I call the Contemplative Phase of divorce – people go through the motions of their married life, but are not fully committed to investing in their marriage. It’s not rational, but to the person trying to figure out what to do, this state of ambivalence seems more comfortable (and preferable) than doing either the work needed to improve the marriage or mustering the courage to end it.

They just don’t know how to decide what to do. And, often they end up doing something to make their spouse miserable enough to initiate a divorce.

Problem solved, right? ……But, not really.

What if in the end, they figure out they didn’t really want a divorce? What if guilt haunts them because they know it is not appropriate or fair to make their spouse miserable so that they don’t have to take responsibility for their part of an unhappy marriage.

Don’t you just love third person pronouns? “They” might do this, but YOU wouldn’t….until you find your own confused, ambivalent, unhappy self wondering “should I stay or should I go”.

This post is the first in a three-part weekly series focused on applying the concepts of intimacy, commitment and passion to decide whether or not you should initiate actions to rejuvenate your marriage or initiate actions to dissolve it.

Robert Sternberg used these concepts to articulate his powerfully descriptive Triangle Theory of Love. I expand his theory by using the three dimensions of love as a guide for making decisions about marriage and divorce.

To get started, let’s examine the three dimensions of love that form the love triangle.

The Intimacy Dimension of Love represents the depth of the friendship you share with your spouse, how much you know about each other, support each other, and actually like each other.  Specifically, the Intimacy Dimensions emphasizes:

• Do you and your spouse share mutual support?
• Do you feel comfortable in your marriage relationship? Or do you feel alone in your own home?
• Can you and your spouse automatically count on each other in time of need?
• What is the breadth and depth of your communication with each other? Do you discuss a narrow or broad range of topics? Do you stay on safe, routine, task-oriented topics? Or do you talk about your feelings, ideas, hopes and dreams?
• Do you understand each other? Do you try to understand your spouse? Do you share enough so your spouse can truly understand you?
• Do you trust your spouse? Does your spouse trust you? Should your spouse trust you?

The Commitment Dimension of Love represents the degree of dedication and/or obligation you feel toward your marriage, keeping in mind that dedication feels more voluntary to you than obligation, but they may look the same to others. Specifically, the Commitment Dimension emphasizes:

• Do you have confidence in the stability of your marriage?
• To what degree are you committed to maintaining your marriage?
• How strong is your sense of responsibility to your spouse?
• Do you feel that your marriage is permanent, no matter what?
• Do you feel that getting married was a good decision?
• Do you devote ample time to your marriage?
• Do you make future plans for your marriage and family?
• Do you speak favorably about your spouse to your friends and family?

The Passion Dimension of Love represents the romantic affection you share with your spouse. This romantic affection takes different forms, depending on age, physical capabilities, and length of relationship. Nonetheless, physical passion remains an important dimension of marital love at all ages and stages of marriage. The Passion Dimension of Love emphasizes:

• Are you physically attracted to your partner? Is your partner physically attracted to you? Do you make an effort to be physically attractive to your partner?
• Do you want to be with your spouse sexually more than you want to be with anyone else?
• Do you feel that your partner is good sexually? Does your partner think you are good sexually?
• Does your partner stimulate you sexually?
• Are you and your spouse sexually close? Do you talk about your sexual relationship?
• When you talk about any difficulties in your sexual relationship, are you warm, compassionate, and supportive? Is your spouse?

If you are knowingly stuck in a state of ambivalence about your marriage, you are voluntarily choosing not to be as happy as you could be. And, be assured, you are keeping your spouse from being truly happy, as well. Unless you are “all in”, you condemn you and your spouse to the marriage equivalent of a glass half empty.

Over the next week, try thinking about the Intimacy, Commitment, and Passion dimensions of love. Rate your relationship on a scale of 1(low) to 10 (high) on each of the dimensions. And, check in next week to learn how you can put this assessment to use.

If you are ready, share the Intimacy, Commitment, and Passion questions with your spouse. Then, start to Work it Out.

Sign up to receive future blog posts, including Part Two of this three-part series.

And, let me know if I can help.

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

The most commonly thought of F-word is not the one that most often causes marriages to decay. Despite what magazine articles and sensational internet posts might claim, happily married couples do NOT typically have sex every day or even every week.  After the newness wears off, most happy couples get into a routine of having sex a few times per month.  That’s enough to maintain romantic intimacy and keep the marriage fire going.

Friendship actually is the F-word that needs the most attention if you want to retain or regain a happy marriage. The single most distinguishing characteristic between happy couples and distressed couples is that happy couples are more likely to be best friends and actually treat each other as best friends would.

These married friends truly enjoy each other’s company. They routinely create opportunities to be together doing activities they both enjoy and alternating between each other’s favorite activities. They know each other’s simple preferences, like how they like their coffee, their back scratched, and their steaks prepared. They know each other’s pet peeves and either share them or find them amusing.

Because they are friends, happy couples share and express mutual respect. They know each other’s intimate secrets, disappointments, hopes, dreams, and deeply held values. They have a deep and strong positive regard for each other and naturally demonstrate their care and support of one another in dozens of ways – big and small – every day.

Married friends also have both typical, solvable conflicts and the more distressing ongoing conflicts that can be very troubling for some couples.  The difference between happy couples and those heading for divorce is not the absence of solvable conflict, ongoing conflict, or even gridlock.

What allows married friends to remain happy through the inevitable ups and downs of marriage is that they treat each other as they would their best friend. They respectfully and directly address their solvable issues, seek to understand one another, and are willing to cooperate in having the difficult conversations needed to identify the hidden issues disguised by their conflicts.  But, to be in this marital zone, you and your spouse truly have to be friends.

So, the next time you complain to your spouse for the 10th time about the same thing, remember the most important F-word in marriage and ask yourself this very important question: Is this the way I should talk to my best friend?   If not, focus on the friendship, not the incident, calm down, and “Work it Out”.

Then, start making your spouse your new best friend.

Let me know if I can help.

I’m a FL Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and part of the Gottman Referral Network. You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we specialize in “friendly divorce” mediation and use the Gottman Method in our psycho-educational “Let’s Stay Together”  marriage refresher course for groups or customized private sessions for couples who want to restore or enhance their marital happiness.  These sessions can be conducted in person and now over Zoom.  I also speak frequently on relationship topics and author the relationship blog  “Work it Out”.