By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

You may have heard the adage “Cheating is a symptom of relationship problems, not the cause of it”.   With notable exceptions for certain pathologies, this statement is generally accurate.

So, the time to protect your relationship from an affair is long before your partner feels the need to seek attention or support outside your relationship.

Extant research conducted over the last two decades shows that between 20 and 26 percent of married men cheat and between 10 and 19 percent of married women cheat.  As reported in Life Science Magazine, these numbers have remained consistent over the last twenty years.

The difference now is that relationship partners have a lower tolerance for cheating because attitudes about marriage have changed.  As more women earned higher education and entered the workforce, married couples began looking for their spouse to be their best friend, their confidante, their parenting partner, their homemaking partner, their wage-earning partner, and an amazing lover.

This is a lot to ask of one person. Even strong marriage partnerships can cascade downward to a betrayal if the couple is not vigilant about turning toward each other in response to daily bids for connection and, especially, when repairing their relationship after regrettable incidents.

Bolster Trust to Prevent Betrayal

Couples who successfully protect their relationship from an affair understand how to bolster trust to prevent a betrayal.  Trust is built on a solid, reciprocal foundation of predictability, dependability, and faith – the three building blocks of trust.  When trust is fully present in a relationship, partners perceive that they will behave in a consistently positive manner toward each other, that they will be reliable when it counts, and that they will continue to be responsive and caring to each other, which includes “turning toward” each other’s bids for attention AND not doing things that they know will hurt the other’s feelings.

Turn Toward Each Other When You Make Mistakes

Happily-married couples expect each other to work on maintaining relationship trust. However, they also accept that they will let each other down from time to time. When these regrettable incidents happen, happily married couples “turn toward” each other and work together to repair the damage.  This repair work involves fully processing the negative event and the feelings around it. As such, it lets the couple move past the incident, close their discussion about it, rebuild trust, and remain close.

Couples who “turn away” from each other after a regrettable incident don’t fare as well.  Instead of showing empathy, regret, and forgiveness, couples that turn away from each other place blame, become defensive, and hold a grudge.  As a result, the regrettable incident becomes an open sore between them and festers. This creates negative feelings that infect the couple’s reactions to other issues, and leads to flooded arguments, contempt, and “turning against”.

Sometimes the “turning away” is less obvious and involves simply avoiding any discussion of the incident.  Avoiding discussion of important negative incidents may initially seem to keep the peace, but soon the unprocessed negative feelings coalesce into either (a) surprisingly negative reactions to other unrelated issues or (b) avoidance of other issues, and eventually avoidance of the other partner, intimacy decay, and loneliness.

Keep Them from Asking “Would I be Happier With Someone Else?

Both types of “turning away” lead to relationship decline, create emotional distance within the relationship, and serve to justify the conclusion by one or both people that the other is “not there for me”.   This often prompts people to begin comparing their partner to real or imagined alternatives and asking, “Would I be happier with someone else”?  

And here is where the downward cascade from unrepaired broken trust to outright betrayal often begins.

It’s a long path from “turning away” from your partner when regrettable incidents occur to actively “turning toward” others to have your needs met or to find what is now missing from your relationship.  Nonetheless, the tumble to real betrayal begins when couples fail to “turn toward” each other, especially in the aftermath of a regrettable incident, large or small.

Turning toward each other to meet each other’s daily attempts to connect, especially after a regrettable incident, establishes trust and allows couples to remain close.  So, then, they never ask the question “Would I be happier with someone else”? Or if they do, the answer is a resounding “no way”.

If you and your partner have let each other down and need to repair the trust in your relationship, summon the courage to turn toward each other and fully process your negative feelings with all the honesty, empathy, regret, and forgiveness required to truly put the incident behind you.  Take action to stop cheating before it starts.

Let me know if I can help.

Jamie C. Williamson, PhD is a FL Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and Couples Counselor who is part of the Gottman Referral Network.  She is an owner and partner at Amity Mediation Workshop, a mediation practice specializing in “friendly divorce” mediation and psycho-educational sessions for couples and co-parents.  Dr. Jamie speaks frequently on relationship topics and authors the blog “Work it Out”.  You can find her online at amitymediationworkshop.com.

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Six hours a week is all it takes to stay happily married.  If you follow this Magic Six-Hour formula, you can keep your marriage running smoothly and prevent a gradual growing apart or a dreaded relationship breakdown.

Relationship expert John Gottman and his colleagues have determined that for relationships to continue to grow, couples need to routinely invest time nourishing their bond. Gottman says “It’s all about priorities.”   And I agree.

Investing time in your marriage every day is the preventative maintenance couples need to stay on a positive trajectory.

Happy couples – and those determined to get happy and stay that way – understand this basic principle.  But when it comes to prioritizing their competing obligations and interests, they still sometimes struggle to find ways to put “couple time” first on the list.

Even for many couples who expressively want to stay happily married, there just doesn’t seem to be an additional six hours in the week.  For others, their normal routines are so habitual, that they have trouble seeing how they could change.

Finding those six hours a week does require developing some new routines.  But it isn’t as hard as it seems.   The ideas below constitute what Gottman calls the Magic Six Hours.

I’ll bet you could incorporate all of these ideas into your schedule.  It’s worth a try.

The Magic Six Hours

1. Parting: Develop a ritual to make saying goodbye extra special, even if you’re just running errands or going to work at your home office. Always include a kiss and be sure to spend at least two minutes a day, 5 days a week, for a total of 10 minutes.
2. Reunion: Have a stress-reducing conversation at the end of each workday.  In this conversation be sure to block out distractions so you can fully listen to and be understood by one another. This is the time to discuss what’s on your minds from outside your relationship and support each other emotionally.  Spend 20 minutes a day, 5 days a week, for a total of 1 hour and 40 minutes.
3. Admiration & Appreciation: Find a reason to communicate sincere appreciation for your partner.  Say “I love you” like you mean it. Invest at least 5 minutes a day, 7 days per week, for a total of 35 minutes.
4. Affection: Show physical affection throughout the day. Touch, hold, and kiss your partner (other than in bed).  Use your goodnight kiss (even if it is a short one) as the moment to let go of frustrations and show tenderness to each other. 5 minutes a day, 7 days a week, for a total of 35 minutes.
5. Date Night: Schedule a weekly date night, either at home or out at a restaurant.  This is a purposeful time for the two of you to stay connected. Plan a romantic, relaxing evening together that lasts at least 2 hours, once per week. These are 2 of your 6 magic hours.
6. State of the Union Meeting: Meet one hour a week to talk about your relationship.  Don’t let anything interfere with this time and focus only on what happened this week.  First, review what went well and what you appreciated about each other this week.  Then gently discuss any problems you experienced.  If there was a regrettable incident process it, recognizing that you both have valid perspectives that should be mutually understood. End by asking “What can I do to make you feel loved this coming week?”    This works best if it is a standing meeting on the same day each week.  Friday nights, Saturday mornings, Sunday nights…whatever works for you.  But make it a sacred ritual.  Invest 1 hour, once per week. 

The couples I work with who incorporate these six ideas into their relationship routines, maintain a positive momentum and stay on the happily married track.  So, if you have noticed a little drifting apart, use the handout at Gottman’s Magic Six Hours link, and talk to your partner about how to start incorporating these new routines into your daily life.

If you are experiencing a bigger chasm separating you and your partner, start with a State of the Union meeting, discuss how adding these magic moments back into your routine could improve your relationship, and “work it out”.   Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop where we facilitate divorce, family, and civil mediation. We also use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative, psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses for groups or individual couples who want to stay happily married, restore the joy in their relationship, and are willing to learn something new to make it happen. We call the class “Let’s Stay Together!”  Give it a try!

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

People in long-term relationships make mistakes. The impact your partner’s mistakes have on your relationship depends largely on how you make sense of why they behave as they did.  We call this an “attribution” of cause.

And, what you see as the cause when your partner makes mistakes depends mostly on what you look for.

Attributions for Simple Everyday Mistakes

Let’s say your partner made a simple, everyday life kind of mistake like arriving late to pick you up.  There are four basic casual attributions you could make for this mistake, and they vary as having resulted from Internal vs External causes and from Stable versus Temporary causes.

My Partner was late because:

1. …he is an inconsiderate jerk (Internal, Stable attribution)
2. …he forgot to set his alarm (Internal, Temporary attribution)
3. …his old car broke down again (External, Stable attribution)
4. …he got stuck in traffic (External, Temporary attribution)

People in healthy, satisfying relationships routinely make External, Temporary attributions (#4 – a temporary situation he did not cause) for their partner’s mistakes.  These attributions reduce distress about the mistake and promote the well-being of the relationship over time.

People in distressed relationships are more likely to make Internal, Stable attributions (#1 – a negative character trait) for their partner’s mistakes.  These attributions exacerbate the stress about the mistake and erode relationship satisfaction over time.

Attributions for a Serious Mistake 

Let’s consider a serious life-event stressor:  Scott gets fired from his high-paying, work-from-home job because he is not actually working the hours he reports on his timesheet.  Lori, who works outside the home, is upset because Scott lost his job (and income) and because he lied to his boss and her about the amount of time he was working.  Scott has profusely apologized.

Lori contacted me for help in deciding what to do.  First, I acknowledged that it was wrong for Scott to submit a false timesheet to his boss and that his apology seems heartfelt.  Then, I explained that the relationship impact of this mistake will depend largely on Lori’s attribution for the cause of the mistake.

I created a diagram showing four different explanatory attributions and asked her which one best explained why she thought Scott was working fewer hours than he reported to his boss and to her.

My partner filed a false timesheet because:

1. …he is lazy and always tries to cut corners. (an Internal, Stable Attribution)
2. …he didn’t pay close attention to the rules and assumed that when working remotely if he got the job done, he should report full-time hours. (an Internal Temporary Attribution)
3. …his stupid company didn’t provide written instructions to the remote sales force. (an External, Stable Attribution)
4. …to camouflage the fact that he was stuck chauffeuring the kids around and taking care of more responsibilities at home while things were crazy for us (an External, Temporary Attribution)

If Lori believed that Scott filed a false timesheet because he is lazy and always tries to cut corners, and she reacts to Scott’s job loss through that lens, then Scott’s mistake will likely lead to severe relationship distress, regardless of how many times he apologizes. Lori won’t hear his apology, because, in her view, the job loss is due to Scott’s negative character trait – laziness.

But what if Lori chose to believe that Scott had good intentions, even though he did the wrong thing?  She could attribute his mistake to an External, Temporary cause (#4) and determine that he was just trying to keep too many balls in the air – to keep his compensation high, while taking on more family responsibilities, ultimately to make things easier for Lori.

Bottom line: 

When your partner makes mistakes, what you see depends on what you look for.

If you find yourself looking for external, temporary causes for your partner’s mistakes, then you will see the positive intentions in your partner’s behavior, even though you acknowledge the mistake. This will make it easier for you to accept your partner’s apology and to cooperate in finding a solution to a serious mistake.

This pattern signals a healthy relationship, likely to survive the mistake and make you closer once you’ve worked together on the solution.

If you find yourself looking for internal, stable causes for your partner’s mistakes, you will see selfish motives for your partner’s behavior, blame your partner for the negative impact on you and your relationship, and resist cooperating in finding a solution.

This pattern signals relationship distress that needs to be addressed.  You’ll have several options, depending on your level of overall relationship dissatisfaction.

Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, LLC, where we specialize in “friendly divorce” mediation and marriage revitalization sessions and programs using a practical, psycho-educational approach grounded in the Gottman Method. I also speak frequently on relationship topics and author the blog “Work it Out”  and write a monthly column for PCB Life Community Newspaper. 

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhDCheers!  This month my husband Larry and I celebrated our 25^th wedding anniversary.  Ours is a second marriage for both of us.  And, even though the 25th is traditionally considered the silver anniversary, we feel “golden” pretty much every day.

Younger couples often tell us that they want to know our secrets to staying happily married.   They are painfully aware that one of every four divorces in the U.S. is a “gray divorce” involving people over 50 ending a long-term marriage. They don’t want to be one of those statistics.

I am always eager to explain the secrets to our happy 25-year marriage with younger couple friends (when asked, of course).  And, in honor of our 25th Anniversary, it seems appropriate to share our approach more broadly.  We learned from social science research and our own personal experience that couples can stay close and protect their marriage against the “gray divorce” phenomenon by adopting these four practices.

Our Four Secrets to Staying Happily Married  

(1) Treat your marriage as the foundation of your family.

If you allow your marriage to erode in the early years, you, your spouse, and your children will feel insecure, unsettled, and tense. Without deliberate care and attention, a once intimate, loving marriage could become conflictual and distant. Even if a distressed marriage survives until children are launched or careers have ended, the kids will likely be troubled, and the couple will likely opt for divorce as a relief from their unfulfilling relationship.

When it comes to family priorities, put marriage stability first, whether you are a family with children or without.  Make time for date nights out or at home each week.  Have relationship talks and routinely kiss each other goodbye and hello.   Show affection often, voice your genuine appreciation for each other’s contribution to your daily life together, and sincerely say “I love you” at least once every single day.  And, if you start drifting apart, double down on these important habits of connection. 

(2) Create a long-term goal and work toward it together.

Young adult couples are less likely to divorce if they are well educated.   Older adult couples, however, are less likely to divorce if they are financially secure. 

It’s not because they have money.  It’s because financial security typically results from a shared commitment to a long-range plan. To achieve financial security couples must define their financial goals and form a joint commitment toward them. Working toward shared goals requires constructive discussions about conflicting priorities. However, establishing shared goals also creates shared interests, a joint commitment, mutual respect for each other’s contribution, and reasons to celebrate your success – all components of a satisfying marriage. 

Whether your goal is to buy a beach house, start a business together as we did, pay off your debt, save for college, or take a dream vacation, once you set a shared goal and start working toward it, you will grow closer, feel proud of your joint progress, and enjoy celebrating your success together. 

(3) Be your best physical self.  

Despite the stereotype, divorce for older couples is rarely connected to male sex enhancement drugs that allow men to satisfy younger women.  But physical appearance is still important to keeping sexual intimacy alive for couples in long-term marriages.

Fortunately, satisfied older married couples don’t expect their partners to conform to an unrealistic, unnatural standard. Instead, they expect each other to show affection and make the most of what they’ve got.

So, work toward a shared goal to stay fit and healthy, clean up each day even when you’re just hanging out at home, hold hands, kiss regularly, and occasionally, share physical intimacy any way you still can, whether that’s dancing on the kitchen floor, rolling like thunder under the covers…or anything in-between.

(4)  Be your partner’s best friend. A romantic spark ignites initial attraction and typically only continues to burn through the first few years of marriage. Couples who have shared interests and a true friendship are the ones most likely to stay married and thrive when that romantic flame becomes embers.

The single most distinguishing characteristic between happy couples and distressed couples is that happy couples are more likely to be best friends.

These married friends truly enjoy each other’s company and embrace their partner’s interests. They routinely create opportunities to do activities they both enjoy and alternate between each other’s favorites. So, if your husband loves to watch football, get excited about the game. If your wife loves musicals, take her to the theater.

Take exercise walks. Ride bikes. Cook together. Plan trips and travel together. Or try something new like a UTV Mountain Experience!

To sustain a happy long marriage, show an interest in what interests your spouse and treat each other with mutual respect. When you are upset by something your spouse has done, focus on the friendship and not the incident. Talk to your spouse as you would your best friend. That is the single most important habit of couples who remain golden, until their silver anniversary and beyond. 

So, the next time you worry whether your marriage will last your lifetime, remember these four habits of couples who stay golden up to and beyond their silver anniversary and “Work it Out”.

Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop where we facilitate divorce, family, and civil mediation. We also use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative, psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses for groups or individual couples who want to stay happily married ’til their silver anniversary and beyond. We call this class “Let’s Stay Together!”

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Most couples know they are supposed to have a regular “Date Night”.

Unfortunately, along the way, they let familiar routines and their life partner/parenting roles overshadow their ongoing need for novel activities and their role as romantic partners.  They just can’t seem to have a night out that doesn’t involve talking about the kids, household tasks, scheduling logistics, and, worse yet, complaints about one another.

Still, most women and men alike, long to recapture the pre-marriage, mid-courtship “date-night feeling”.  They remember when their conversation was comfortable and captivating, their mutual attraction was electric and palatable, and the night was filled with the promise of deepening their intimacy and providing a delightful escape from their daily routines and stressors.

Never thought date night was so important.  Think again.

This longing to recreate date-night intimacy could be related to a primal urge for survival.  There is a well-documented connection between the support that comes from a well-functioning intimate relationship and the personal well-being of the relationship partners.  Intimate relationships buffer partners from the negative outcomes associated with the stress due to life events like pregnancy, the birth of a child, job loss, illness, retirement, and, of course, routine daily stressors, as well.

It’s not just that intimacy adds to a marriage.  Lack of marital intimacy and satisfaction actually causes harm to the marriage and the marital partners.  Marriages (and other similar relationships) that lack intimacy and closeness tend to be unsatisfying, unstable, and highly conflictual. These relationships are associated with an increased risk of distress, physical illness, and poor psychological adjustment.

So, institutionalizing “date night” is not only fun, it can protect your marriage from deterioration and it can keep you and your spouse healthy, happy, and able to manage your life stressors.

If you think you are too busy for date night, then, according to relationship experts John and Julie Gottman, “you’re too busy”. 

Follow these 6 Tips for Successful Date Nights

1. Make “Date Night” affordable. Don’t allow date night to add financial stress.  Decide how much you can budget for your weekly date nights.  Your budget will determine the frequency and location of your dates.  Most budgets don’t allow for a weekly night out at a special occasion restaurant.  But, most budgets do allow for a weekly Date-Night dinner, late-night dessert, or glass of wine at home and a once-a-month Date Night out at a favorite restaurant for dinner or dessert.  Or, if you prefer, a picnic at a picturesque spot.

2.  Decide when you will schedule Date Night. For at-home Date Nights, examine your weekly routine, and find the time when a Date Night activity at home can be added to the routine.  Do NOT let other activities get in the way of this intimate time together.  For monthly Date Nights out, set a routine night (e.g. the last Saturday of the month) and get it on the calendar.  Only make adjustments to your Date Night schedule for important events that cannot be scheduled on another day.

 Note:  Date Night may also be at lunch rather than dinner, depending on work and family schedules.  It’s the time for intimate conversation, not the time of day that matters.

3.  Decide who is in charge of planning  There are as many ways to divide the planning as there are types of marriages.  Here are some ideas to stimulate your thinking:

Planning monthly Date Night  

Work together to generate a list of restaurants that fit your budget and that you would both enjoy, then take turns picking a restaurant from the list and making the reservations, etc.  Be sure not to use this as a “gotcha” opportunity.  If you know your spouse is habitually forgetful about these kinds of things, then volunteer to be the one who always makes the reservation.  Or, if you have historically been forgetful about reservations, then you could use this as an opportunity to show your commitment to “date night”, your marriage, and your spouse.

When you generate the list of restaurants, also include other activities you could enjoy before or after dinner, such as a movie, a play, a concert, or a walk on the beach.   The secret is to always include a meal in a sit-down restaurant in order to create an atmosphere conducive to conversation.

Planning weekly Date Nights at home  

Generate a list of ideas that work for you, depending on the time of your Date Night (dinner, dessert, nightcap).  Then take turns executing your at-home date.  That is, take turns shopping for and making (or bringing in) dinner/dessert. Take turns setting the table or the cozy nightcap atmosphere.  Use the good dishes, play music, and, most importantly, turn off the television.  When it is your turn, avoid being too contrived, but do behave as if you have invited your spouse over to your place and take the lead, while allowing your spouse to help a bit.

Be sure not to use this as a “gotcha” opportunity.  If you know your spouse is habitually clumsy in the kitchen or very busy at a new job, let it be ok for him to bring in takeout.  You might volunteer to pick up something from the store or help a bit with the cooking.   And, if you’re the one known to stay out of the kitchen, then you could get out of your comfort zone and use this as an opportunity to show your commitment to “date night”, your marriage, and your spouse.

When you decide on the best format for your Date Night at home, be sure to make it doable, without much negative stress.  The point is to create a time for just the two of you to talk, relax, and show love and support for one another.

4.  Make a Special Effort to Get Ready for Date Night. It’s a date.  So, whether it is your at-home Date Night or your monthly Date Night out, invest some time in refreshing your personal appearance.  At home, take a few minutes to wash up, spruce up and present your best “at home, relaxed” self.  For going out, do a full date-night primp routine and have fun with it.

For example, have the husband get ready first, then he can take care of the dog, settle the kids, and/or go get the babysitter while the wife finishes getting ready, undisturbed.  You’ll be surprised how luxurious that can feel to a busy wife and how transformative it can be for her.  Whatever your relationship configuration, make sure Date Night preparation adds anticipation, not anxiety to your date.

5. Turn off your cell phone during Date Night. (except maybe to have the waiter take your picture).   If you have small children and are truly (not artificially) worried about your babysitter being able to contact you, then put your phone on Do Not Disturb and only let the babysitter call come through.  I repeat:  Turn off your cell phone during Date Night.

6. The most important tip of all is to plan your Date Night conversation. If you want to avoid slipping into a night of talk about the kid’s antics, the household chores, and other logistics, you must have conversational starters at the ready.  You also need to be adept at gently changing the subject when your spouse starts talking about laundry, carpooling, home maintenance, or grocery lists.

So, make a list.  And, yes, write it down.  Write it down and then either commit it to memory or have a cheat sheet in your pocket.  (You can’t put your list in your phone, because your phone is off, remember?)   You’ll find a full dinner’s worth of conversational ideas here.

After a while, inventive Date Night conversation will come more naturally.

Bottom line:  If you want to start dating your spouse….that is,  if you want to improve the level of intimacy in your marriage, then share this post with your spouse.  Talk about the importance of instituting or enhancing your Date Nights plans, and work it out.

And, Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop where we facilitate divorce, family, and civil mediation. We also use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative, psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses for groups or individual couples who want to stay married, restore the joy in their marriage, and keep date nights going forever!  We call this class “Let’s Stay Together!”

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

If you want to improve your relationship and think making New Year’s Resolutions as a couple is a good idea, think again.  Relationship-based resolutions can’t lead to sustainable increases in happiness because they are worded like wishful thinking instead of like SMART relationship goals that ignite motivation and turn it into action and behavior change.

Sure, relationship resolutions are paved with good intentions.  Bridal Guide magazine even suggests eight New Year’s Resolutions that couples should make, including ideas like “spend more time together”, “go on dates”, “try new experiences”, and “do nice things for each other”.  

These Resolutions sound like ways to strengthen a relationship…until we acknowledge the studies that show that only 8% of Americans who make a New Year’s resolution keep them all year and 80% have failed by the start of February.  

Why New Year’s Resolutions Fail

Clinical Psychologist and self-coaching expert Joseph J. Luciani, Ph.D. says most resolutions fail due to a lack of self-discipline. But I think people fail to keep their New Year’s Resolutions because their wishful thinking is not backed up by sustainable action plans. 

Whether trying to avoid something detrimental to your relationship (like too much screen time) or trying something new that will be good for your relationship (like date nights), the change will be difficult because your current patterns likely evolved gradually, outside of your awareness. And, the status quo is at least predictable and comfortable in the short term, even if you know it isn’t producing the kind of relationship you want for the long term.

Make SMART Relationship Goals, Not Lofty Resolutions

I encourage couples to break current patterns by making optimistic challenges for their relationship in the form of SMART goals, galvanized by action plans. SMART goals are Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Bound. 

Unlike New Year’s Resolutions, SMART goals produce success because the process of achieving them is segmented into small steps that can be taken one at a time. This makes the goal much less overwhelming and lets you plan clearly toward achieving it.

Here’s an example of a SMART relationship goal:

We will have out-of-the-house date nights (specific), once per month (achievable, measurable), so that we have more couple time to restore intimacy (relevance), between now and our 10th-anniversary trip (time-bound).

How to Transform New Year’s Resolutions into SMART Relationship Goals

Couples can transform their New Year’s Resolutions into Relationship SMART Goals following these five steps:  

1. Reflect on your relationship and determine how you want your relationship to change. You can do this individually and then share your ideas or do it as a couple from the start.  Just be sure you are future-focused and don’t let the conversation lead to fault-finding or blame.
2. Write down your SMART goals for the areas in your relationship that you both are committed to changing.  Be specific. Your goals should describe what you want to accomplish and why it is important to you. Make sure your goal is measurable in a way that you have control.  Make sure your goal is achievable – a stretch, but not practically impossible to reach. And, set a specific deadline for accomplishment to be sure your goal is timebound.
3. Post your relationship goals so that you both can see them every day.
4. Share your goals with family or friends that you trust.  Research shows that you will be more likely to achieve your goals if you tell the right people (not everyone) about them and keep those people informed of your progress.
5. Be flexible. If your goals become outdated or irrelevant, tweak them or replace them.

Close relationships are fragile.  A small crack that goes untended can easily become a larger break that leads to patterns of more distant interaction (or fighting) that slowly erode intimacy. Unless couples resolve to repair the damage, they will eventually reach a point of no return. 

Despite good intentions, however, a couple’s New Year’s Resolution to “spend more time together” or “go on dates” will likely fail by February if they don’t create SMART goals and a sustainable action plan.

Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, LLC, where we specialize in “friendly divorce” mediation and psycho-educational marriage revitalization sessions and programs using a practical, psycho-educational approach grounded in the Gottman Method. I also speak frequently on relationship topics and author the blog “Work it Out”.   

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD 

This time of year most of us are more intentional about having an “attitude of gratitude”. We ought to do this all year long, however, because feeling and expressing gratefulness makes us happier and more resilient, improves our relationships, and even boosts our psychological and physical health. 

Adopting an “attitude of gratitude” in your marriage also has positive effects. Couples who practice gratitude together have happier marriages than those who do not practice gratitude.  Research shows that couples who mutually express gratitude to each other strengthen their relationship, enhance the levels of perceived intimacy and mutual care, reinforce their sense of belonging, and bolster their levels of marital satisfaction.

Conversely, people who initiate divorce often do so because their spouse is overly critical, takes their contributions to their marriage and homelife for granted, and doesn’t seem to value who they are as a person, outside of the tasks they perform in the relationship. 

You and your partner can protect your marriage from this type of erosion by adopting an “attitude of gratitude” and practicing the following four reciprocal expressions of gratitude.

1. Look for reasons to say “thank you”.   

Pay attention to the contributions your partner makes to your daily routine such as cooking, making the bed, paying the bills, grocery shopping, loading the dishwasher, house cleaning, laundry, yard work, gassing up the car, and all the other little favors that make your day easier.

Stop taking these contributions for granted and instead acknowledge, value, and appreciate your partner’s role in making your life together work well.  It’s as easy as saying “thank you” sincerely and frequently.

2. Show that you appreciate who your partner is to you, not just what your partner does for you. 

Compliments are meaningful when they focus on behaviors and even more meaningful when they highlight the receiver’s core values.  So, of course, it is important to be thankful for your partner’s hard work and acts of service to your relationship, but it is even more important to praise your partner’s virtues. 

Is your partner smart, well-organized, a good storyteller, patient, empathetic, honest, funny, or a good friend?  Pay attention to how your partner lives out important values and express appreciation for the kind of person your partner is to you and others.

3. Avoid public criticism and give public praise.

One of the fundamental rules in relationship communication is never to criticize your partner in public. To do so is disrespectful, embarrasses and demoralizes your partner, and erodes relational trust, intimacy, and satisfaction. 

Praising your partner in public has the opposite effect.  Expressing appreciation for your partner publicly shows respect and pride, and will make your partner feel appreciated, important, and loved.  As a happy by-product, your partner will feel enhanced warmth toward you and your relationship.

So, take advantage of opportunities to thank or congratulate your partner in front of your children, extended family, and friends.  You might even create a social media post showing your partner’s good qualities or sharing news of your partner’s success.

4. Act grateful and show appreciation every day. 

Do small things often, rather than just isolated grand gestures. These small loving actions speak louder than words when it comes to making your partner feel loved and appreciated.  

Bring your partner a cup of coffee. Make her favorite meal.  Send a text message of encouragement when you know your partner has a presentation, an important meeting, or a long day. Send heart emojis when you text the grocery list. Draw a heart on a post-it and leave it on your partner’s windshield or stick it on the bathroom mirror.  Look for ways to do little favors for your partner every day.

Small, from-the-heart expressions of love and support send consistently authentic messages of love and appreciation and so they mean much more than a once-a-year candlelit dinner or perfunctory bouquet of roses on special occasions.

These four approaches to practicing gratitude will help you and your partner avoid taking each other for granted and keep you on a satisfying relationship path.  So, as you begin the season of love and joy this year, why not adopt an “attitude of gratitude” and incorporate these acts into your holiday preparations? If you do, you’ll more likely experience the true measure of the Season.

Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, LLC, where we specialize in “friendly divorce” mediation and Let’s Stay Together couples counseling workshops using a practical, psycho-educational approach grounded in the Gottman Method. I also speak frequently on relationship topics and author the blog “Work it Out”.   

By  Jamie C. Williamson, Ph

Spring symbolizes rebirth and reminds us of the opportunity to refresh and renew our lives and improve our relationships.  These 3 R’s guide the relationship improvement process.

If couples don’t get too caught up in “making” themselves seem happy, they can use these longer spring days to relax and reflect on how to refresh their daily priorities, renew their relationships, and let their  “happy”  bloom naturally.

The 3 R’s of Relationship Improvement

Despite what you may think, people don’t really learn from experience. Instead, we learn from reflecting on our experience. And, the same goes for couples, too.

Think about it.   Unless they reflect on their experiences, couples just rehash the same arguments and make the same mistakes over and over again.

To renew their relationship, couples have to truly think about how their life could flow more easily and be filled with the simple pleasures that constitute true happiness, not the manufactured kind. This type of reflection usually begins with one person, who later shares it with the other.

So, this spring try to capture some private time for yourself so that you can truly reflect on your relationship. Does your marriage seem routine?  Does your spouse seem like your roommate and not your best friend and the love of your life?  Do you fight about things that don’t really matter and avoid talking about the things that do?  Have you let the kids’ activities monopolize all your discretionary time?  Have you let your own interests take away from the time you could (and probably should) be spending with your partner?  Have you let financial concerns keep you from finding creative ways to bring simple joys into your relationship?

In order to to let your “happy” bloom naturally again, you first have to identify the patterns you would like to improve.  So whatever life stage or circumstance you are in, think honestly about what small changes would make a big difference, and keep in mind, that it might be YOUR approach that needs to change.

Once you have identified the existing patterns that interfere with the easy flow of happiness in your relationships, select the one non-threatening pattern that you believe — if changed — would bring a sense of renewal to the daily life of your relationship.  Later, you can address the other issues you identified.

Make one change at a time, because the increased happiness you feel from the first change, makes subsequent changes easier to implement.

Begin to change the interfering pattern by refreshing the way you and your spouse/partner approach the issue involved. This will, of course, require you to disclose what you’ve been thinking about to your partner.

The trick is to initiate the conversation with what’s called a “soft start-up”.  A “soft start-up” addresses the issue directly and head-on, but does NOT include criticism or blame. Begin with an “I” statement and say, for example, “Things are so hectic for us these days, I really miss having time to just hang out with you.  Will you help me figure out some small changes we could make in our routines so that there is more time for us to just be together?”

This refreshed approach will not work if your partner feels blamed for your discontent. Be sure to use the soft start-up and take the time needed to create a safe conversational zone. Then, don’t be surprised if you learn that your partner has been feeling the same way.

When couples refresh their approach to managing the daily patterns in their lives, they are able to reprioritize the allocation of their time, energy, and finances; recapture time to invest in their relationship; and, create a sense of renewal and base-line happiness in their relationship.  When this happens, couples don’t even think about how to make happiness, it just blooms naturally, like spring, every day.

So, share this post with your partner, grab some couple time, and brush up on the 3 R’s that let happy relationships bloom naturally.

And, Let me know if I can help.

 You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we facilitate divorce, family, and civil mediations.  We also are authorized to use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative, psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses  with our clients who want to stay together, but restore the joy in their marriage.

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

 ‘tis the season.  But how do you know the right gift to give your partner? 

Most gift givers assume that a more expensive present will be more appreciated, yet, receivers don’t appreciate expensive gifts more than other less expensive gifts.  And, that goes for gifts of clothes, wine, home décor, jewelry, and even the price of an engagement ring.

Research clearly shows that money can’t buy you love.  Instead, when it comes to gift giving, it truly is the thought (and effort) that counts.  

Or, said differently, expensive gifts can’t buy you love, but the right gift can.

So, how do you select the “right” gift? 

Selecting the right gift begins with the understanding that the gift you give – no matter the cost – communicates how you feel about the receiver and the relationship you share.  If you want your partner to receive a message of love, appreciation, admiration, and commitment, then you need a gift that makes that statement.

A good gift is tailored to the needs and desires of the receiver and also communicates a commitment to the relationship.

But the best gifts do all of that and more.  The best gifts also reflect effort and high levels of involvement.

For example, if your husband dreams of owning a sailboat and, like most of us, you can’t afford it, don’t buy him a toolbox or a new pair of running shoes.  Show him you want his dreams to come true.  Buy him a sailboat (and captain) for a day. Arrange with his boss for a day off, schedule child care, and buy him a pair of deck shoes.  Then, the two of you go for a day of sailing. Include a night sleeping on the boat, if your budget allows.   If that is too much, buy him a subscription to Sailing magazine, open a special “sailing” savings account, and start saving for next year’s rental or even boat ownership.  Just let him know his dream is your dream, too.

Or if your wife is a busy mother who longs for the romance and excitement of your early marriage but barely has time to blow dry her hair, don’t buy her a gold bracelet or the truly forbidden food processor (unless it comes with a cooking class in Italy).   If she longs to feel passionate again, show her she is still the woman you married. Buy her a day of luxury and romance.

Do all the planning. Book her into a resort spa, arrange for her to have a day off, arrange childcare, and schedule a massage, mani-pedi, facial, and blow-out (or whichever services you can afford).  Give her a new sexy top to wear with her black pants, and end with an overnight “date night” at the resort.  If that’s too much, give her the mani-pedi, send the kids to grandma’s, and prepare a romantic dinner at home.  Just let her know for sure that, to you, she’s not just a mom, she’s the love of your life.

If you can follow the spirit of these examples and create a gift tailored to your partner’s unique needs and desires, you should be able to send a strong message of love, appreciation, and commitment to your partner.  These types of gifts truly have a long-lasting “wow” effect and create wonderful holiday memories.

It truly is the thought and effort that counts.

Here’s another, less extravagant but still effective example.  Last year around Thanksgiving, my husband broke his favorite reading glasses.  He had a backup pair and could get along fine for a few weeks.  I could have easily ordered him a new pair of readers. But, I knew they wouldn’t be the same.  So, instead, I searched until I found an optometrist’s office willing to repair the old ones, wrapped the repaired glasses in tissue, and put them in his Christmas stocking.

When he unwrapped his repaired favorite glasses on Christmas morning, he said “This is way better than a new pair….how did you do it?”  And, I replied, “That’s the real present”.

Getting the glasses repaired was tailored to his needs and the effort showed my commitment to him and our relationship.  The effort also showed a high level of involvement (I had to do a lot of running around rather than just order something online).

Although my husband received other more expensive gifts last year, the repaired readers were his favorite because they told him the lengths I would go to make him happy.   In turn, he was happy with me.

Money didn’t buy that all-around happy feeling.  It truly was the thought and effort that counted.

Love is, after all, an action word.

Give all of this some thought and get creative. Make this the year you give your spouse (and anyone else) the best Christmas present ever.

Try sharing this post with your spouse to start a discussion about what you both might want most for yourselves and your relationship this year.  Talk about what it means to recognize that the best gifts are not the most expensive.  The best gifts are tailored to the receiver’s unique needs and desires, reflect effort and involvement on your part, and demonstrate your commitment to the person and the relationship you share. Then work it out so you have the best (and perhaps, least expensive) Christmas ever.

If you would like to give your spouse a private and fun marriage enhancement course, contact me and I’ll set it up for you. You’ll find me at Amity Mediation and Relationship Workshop, where we offer psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Sessions grounded in the Gottman Method. We call these “Let’s Stay Together” and offer them to happy couples who want to stay together forever.

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By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Most marital conflict is unsolvable.  In fact, according to renowned relationship researcher John Gottman, 69% of marital conflicts are perpetual problems that couples will never resolve. Only 31% of the problems in marriage are solvable. This is true for both happy couples and unhappy couples.

So, it is not the presence of on-going problems that makes couples unhappy.  It is the way the couples talk about perpetual problems that distinguishes between happy and distressed couples.  Happy couples learn to cope with perpetual problems rather than let the on-going issues infect their relationship.  Distressed couples rehash the same issue over and over again and allow those conflicts to erode their relationship.

This does not mean that couples should ignore or avoid perpetual problems. Ignoring the issues will not make them go away.  If the issue is important, pretending that it doesn’t matter will eventually create emotional distance between you and your partner, lead to resentment, and begin to negatively impact your entire relationship.

The good news is that most couples can learn to manage their perpetual problems once they recognize them as unresolvable on-going issues that they need to cope with rather than situational conflicts that can be resolved.

So, what’s the difference between Solvable Problems and unsolvable, Perpetual Problems?

In the book The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, Gottman explains that Solvable Problems are situational and tied to specific circumstances where a solution to the problem is possible.  Once the problem is resolved, couples can move on and not have to address it again.  In contrast, Perpetual Problems are on-going because they are rooted in differences in personality, beliefs, values, and hidden feelings.

Examples of perpetual, unsolvable problems include:

• One person is neat, the other is messy.
• One person is a spender, the other a saver
• One person is punctual, the other typically runs late
• One person wants to spend more time with friends, the other wants more couple time.

How do couples cope with Perpetual Problems?

First, accept the fact that problems, differences of opinion, and mismatched expectations are normal and inevitable in couple relationships. This realization helps couples keep the issue in perspective, rather than blow it out of proportion.

Second, look for the hidden feelings behind your partner’s behavior or point of view.  For example, if Tyler routinely fails to help with the housework, Maria might feel abandon – left on her own to take care of their home, like her single Mother was.  When Maria complains to Tyler about his laziness or lack of support, he might feel like she is trying to control him, which makes him feel like a scolded child instead of the man of the house.  

Third, have a conversation (not a fight) about the issue.  Pick the right time, the right place, and start with soft, respectful tone. Ask your partner to please listen because this is important to you. Speak honestly about your position and what it means to you. Describe your feelings and where they come from. Discuss your position and explanation for it, without criticizing your partner or blaming your partner for your feelings.

If you are the listener, seek to understand your partner rather than think about your rebuttal. Encourage your partner to explore his/her feelings and preferences. Do not evaluate your partners’ feelings and desires or mention any reason why they are impractical or unimportant.  Show empathy and truly try to understand. Then, switch roles so that the listener now describes his/her position and the feelings behind it.

Fourth, use your new understanding to find ways to cope with the issue with respect, cooperation, and humor.  In the Tyler-Maria example, this might include jointly making a list of the chores that need to be done over the weekend. Divide the chores and agree to do those allocated to you. Praise each other for what got done. Tease each other about what didn’t get done. And, set another deadline for what didn’t get done.  Do not do each other’s chores unless the other sincerely requests help due to unexpected circumstances.

If you can follow this approach to coping with inevitable Perpetual Problems you will be much more likely to retain (or regain) and stable, happy marriage.

Let me know if I can help.  

Want to talk about it?

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, LLC, where we specialize in “friendly divorce” mediation and marriage revitalization sessions and programs using a practical, psycho-educational approach grounded in the Gottman Method.  I also speak frequently on relationship topics and author the blog “Work it Out”.   

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

The secret to long-lasting romance in marriage is simple, inexpensive, and fool proof.

You’ve probably figured out that it isn’t a candlelit dinner on your anniversary or the obligatory sex that followed.  And, unless you learn this one simple secret it won’t be your long-anticipated romantic get-away either.

Events designed to be romantic flop when you aren’t already lovingly connected to your partner. Instead of helping you reconnect, the contrived candlelit dinner becomes a struggle for conversation topics and that romantic “get-away” reveals that you don’t really know what you enjoy doing together anymore. The empty feeling and disappointment these realizations produce lead, at best, to awkward silences and, at worst, to frustration, angry accusations, and harsh criticism. Either way, they don’t enhance that loving feeling.  You can’t purchase togetherness.

So, how do you prime your marriage for romance and lasting love?  

You do small things often. You turn to each other in little ways, every day.

According to Dr. John Gottman, it’s that simple. In The Relationship Cure, Gottman explains that small, intentional moments of kindness and connection have a more positive impact on creating and sustaining marital romance than isolated, grand gestures.

These small loving actions also speak louder than words, when it comes to making your partner feel loved.   In a 2017 study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, Saeideh Heshmati and his Penn State colleagues found an American cultural consensus that showing compassion and displaying affection (e.g. snuggling) on a daily basis rank higher on the list of what makes people feel loved then typical romantic scenarios or grand verbal declarations of love.

Ready to put this one simple action to the test?  Every day, just try another small way of turning toward your spouse, instead of away. For example:

Pay attention and respond with interest.

Notice when your partner subtly asks for your attention, affection, or support and give it. Look at the hummingbird and comment on it when she calls it to your attention. Take his side when he shares a work concern. Show that you are glad (really glad) to see your partner at the end of the day. Respond with curiosity when your partner talks about family, friends, and other interests. Theses mundane moments of connection truly matter.

When you don’t have time to respond, express regret and take the time to explain.  Don’t say “I don’t have time”. Instead, say you wish you had time, clarify why you don’t have time, and set up a plan to talk about it “when I get home tonight” or “after the kids are in bed” or “when I get home from my meeting”.

Voluntarily (and routinely) take action to support and connect with your partner.

Fold the laundry or take out the garbage, when it’s not your turn. Run errands for each other. Make dinner together. Pay the bills together. Plan and host a dinner for friends together. Share each other’s burdens and you become more interdependent. Support each other’s contributions and you create a shared sense of purpose. These small, day-to-day gestures go a long way toward deepening your marital connection, helping your partner feel loved, and prime you for marital romance.

Look for small ways to send messages of love.

Send a text message of encouragement when you know your partner has a presentation, an important meeting, or a long day. Send heart emojis when you text the grocery list.  Pack a love note in your partner’s suitcase, briefcase or lunch box. These notes don’t have to be poetic, or long, or even include words at all. Put on lipstick, kiss a napkin, and tuck it in the bag. Draw a heart on a post-it and leave it on your partner’s windshield or sitck it on the bathroom mirror. These small, from-the-heart expressions of love and support send consistently authentic messages of love and so they mean much more than a once-a-year candlelit dinner or perfunctory bouquet of roses on special occasions.

How does this one simple action create more romance in your marriage?

If you’re like most people, you are surprised that the single most essential action that grounds your marital stability and contributes to your on-going romance is the simple act of turning toward your spouse in many small, routine ways every day.

It works because these gestures solidify your marital connection and promote positive feelings that will sustain your marriage during stressful times and grow the loving feeling of togetherness you share.

Take this loving connection and your positive feelings out to a candlelit dinner or on vacation, and the romantic spark you’re hoping for will ignite. But, chances are, if you adopt this one simple action – and turn towards your spouse in small ways every day – you won’t need expensive dinners or exotic vacations to stir up romance. You’ll have that at home every day.

If you engage in these small gestures every day, you’ll be going on date nights or vacation to enjoy each other. Not to save your marriage.

How do you begin turning toward each other?

If you want to strengthen your relationship and create more romance in your marriage, share this post with your partner. Then, start a conversation about the importance of being truly engaged in your routine interactions. Discuss the value of tuning into each other’s daily needs for attention, support, and encouragement. And, then imagine the difference that doing “small things often” can make in your feelings toward each other and the quality of your life together. Do your best to “work it out”.

Let me know if I can help.

 You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we facilitate divorce, family and civil mediations.  We also are authorized to use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative Let’s Stay Together private workshop sessions with our client who want to stay together, but refresh and restore the joy in their marriage.

Sign UpNow  to receive Dr.  Jamie’s “Work it Out – Relationship Tips”  emails packed with practical, helpful, and fun relationship improvement tips.

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by Jamie C.  Williamson, PhD

Married couples who play together, stay together.  

But that doesn’t mean you should treat your marriage like a game.  If you treat your marriage like a game, you’ll get played and lose every time.

What this does mean is that couples who “play together” by engaging in fun, novel activities grow closer to each other, experience more positive emotions toward each other and their relationship, and as a result are happier and want to stay together.

Can it really be that easy?   Yes, it can.

Why Playing Together Helps You Stay Together

First, playing together in novel and arousing activities keeps you (and your spouse) from getting bored and your relationship from becoming a boring routine.

Boredom sacks the current joy out of your relationship and, if not addressed, leads to increasing dissatisfaction over time, the temptation to seek excitement outside the relationship, and/or ultimately the “we’ve just grown apart” explanation for divorce.

Second, playing together also helps you and your spouse connect the good feelings you experience during the activity to your overall relationship.

Third, participating in novel and arousing activities makes people feel happier in general, and when you are a happier person, you are more likely to be a happy partner and extend that positive emotion to your marriage and spouse.

How far do you have to go to keep you and your spouse out of a boring routine?

Off the couch, maybe.  But, not that far.

Go for a bike ride. Throw a football around. Take a walk on the beach or a canoe ride. Try a Stand-Up Paddle board.  A new restaurant.  Get to know other couples — new friends you make together.

Remember, marriage is not a game.  Both husband and wife are on the same side.

So be sure you aren’t keeping score.  If your wife “wins” because you agree to try something new that she recommended, you both win.

And, if your husband “wins” because you agree to try something new that he likes, you also both win.

Here’s a common example for football season (just remember, the point of the story is gender neutral)

If your husband really enjoys watching college football, learn to like it, too, rather than pout and try to make him feel guilty.  (You might have to pretend at first).  This will add a new activity for you to enjoy together.

In turn, he will naturally connect the fun he has watching the game with you to positive feelings about you.  As a result, he will be more likely to want to make you happy and will look for ways to do that – like take a cooking class, or run a 5-K, go with you to church, or start a weekly date night.

Husbands, keep in mind that if you initiate the weekly date night (for example), your wife will transfer her good feeling about that to you and, as a result, be more likely to want to look for novel ways to make you happy, as well.

The point is that if you want to avoid (or get out of) the rut of relationship boredom, you have to play together by engaging in novel and arousing activities.  It doesn’t matter who is ahead at the end of the first quarter.  You’re both on the home team.

Can the novel and arousing activities involve sex?

Sure.

But, you are unlikely to be any good at sex play, if you aren’t fully engaged with each other out of the bedroom.  And, if you suggest novel sex before you’ve shown a willingness to “get off the couch”, your effort will backfire.   First things first.

If you are starting to feel bored in your marriage, share this post with your spouse and talk about ways you can add some new activities or people to your life.   Discuss how the positive feelings you get from these new experiences will help you grow closer again, increase your relationship satisfaction, and decrease the likelihood that you will “grow apart” (or be tempted to find excitement elsewhere).

Pick a new activity and begin to work it out.  If your spouse won’t go along at first, try learning to like something your spouse already enjoys so you can do it together. Then, try to add something novel to you both.

And, let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we facilitate divorce, family and civil mediations.  We also use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative, psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses for individal couples who want to stay together, but restore the joy in their marriage.

Sign Up Now  to receive Dr.  Jamie’s “Work it Out – Relationship Tips”  emails packed with practical, helpful, and fun relationship improvement tips.

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by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

A new school year is a perfect time to refresh your approach to parenting and renew the way you interact with your kids. As kids grow and change, your family communication patterns should change, too.

Back-to-school means back-to-routines for children and their parents or caregivers. In anticipation of this annual change, insightful parents adjust their family routines based on their children’s age, disposition, and learning needs. Bedtimes, homework, extracurricular activities, chores, screen time, friend time, meal times, and family time all get adjusted to match a growing child’s needs.

Establishing routines and expectations helps to decrease stress and create a smooth, predictable family life. So, this is all good….Probably even necessary for healthy child development and parental sanity.

Families also benefit when parents and caregivers review the way they interact with their children and make similar age-appropriate adjustments in family communication patterns involving parental encouragement of two-way conversation and parental expectations for conformity of attitudes and values.

Family Communication Patterns

Conformity Orientation denotes the degree to which children are expected to obey their parents without question and express similar attitudes, beliefs, and values. High Conformity families express similar attitudes, beliefs, and values and try to avoid conflict. So, they seem harmonious. But, may not be under the surface. Low Conformity family members express highly divergent attitudes, beliefs, and values and do not shy away from conflict. So, these families seem discordant. But, may actually be more supportive of each other differences than high conformity family members.

Conversation Orientation designates the degree to which parents and children openly express their differing points of view and remain supportive of each other in the process. High Conversation families encourage members to discuss issues and alternative attitudes, beliefs, and values. Low Conversation families discourage (and often sanction) voicing divergent opinions and refrain from open discussion. Instead, children are expected to think like their parents and do as they are told, without question.

With Conversation Orientation and Conformity Orientation in mind, Ascan Koerner and Mary Ann Fitzpatrick identified four types of families, which I have depicted in the “Types of Families” graphic below.

1. Protective Families are low in conversation and high in conformity. They avoid conflict and emphasize the importance of agreement among members, but engage in little communication about issues. They expect children to obey their parents without asking challenging questions (except the ubiquitous “why”, of course).
2. Consensual Families are high in conversation and high in conformity. They encourage (or at least tolerate) open communication about issues but parents still seek (and often expect) their child’s agreement on important values.
3. Pluralistic Families are high in conversation and low in conformity. They encourage members to appropriately express different points of view and openly engage in communication, while remaining supportive of each other.
4. Laisser-faire Families are low in conversation and low in conformity. They avoid communicating with each other, encourage privacy, and adopt a “do what you want” approach to conflict resolution.

Create Age-Appropriate Family Communication Patterns

Some relationship scholars argue that none of these four family communication patterns are better or more productive than the other types, saying “what works for some families will not work for another family”.

But I disagree.

My research on family conflict, my experience helping families solve problems, and my university-level teaching have convinced me that children need to learn how to formulate their own attitudes, beliefs, and values and express their opinions in a civilized manner before becoming adults.

And, I believe the best way for children to develop moral reasoning and learn to express themselves appropriately and effectively is through age-appropriate interaction at home

In fact, I’ve numbered the Family Communication Patterns 1-2-3 in the order that is likely to work best for most children as they move from pre-school through high school, with parents determining the appropriate pace of skill development for their child.

(Please note that I have intentionally left out #4 Laisser-fair Families because this family structure seems inappropriate for school-age children. The Laisser-fair approach ignores the interdependence of people who share a history, space, and life together, so it is likely to be dysfunctional for an all-adult family, as well).

Here is your challenge:

As part of crafting your new back-to-school routines, review these Family Communication Patterns with your parenting partner, whether you live together or not. Think about which combination of conversation and conformity is appropriate for your child’s age, temperament, and learning needs. Then plan time in your new routines that encourage the family interaction you believe is appropriate for you and your child. If your children are old enough, let them participate in the decisions about how your family will balance conversation and conformity this school year.

You can “work it out” together. Let me know if I can help.

I am a Florida Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and Gottman Methods Couples Counselor.  You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, a mediation practice specializing in “friendly divorce” mediation and family mediation, as well as Marriage Revitalization and Family Dynamics Mediation for families of all configurations.  Family Dynamics Mediation re-calibrates communication among family members in a way that restores amity in your home.

If you liked this blog post, SIGN UP NOW for my “Work it Out – Relationship Tips” emails packed with practical, helpful, and fun relationship guidance that you can really use to help your relationship work.

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By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Happy people have figured out that it is not happiness that makes you grateful, it is gratefulness that makes you happy.

So, the trick to having a Happy Thanksgiving is simple: “Just Be Grateful” and, like this cornucopia, your holiday will be overstuffed with joyful thanks and generous giving.

Easier said than done, right?

After all, even David Steindle-Rast –  who coined the phrase “if you want to be happy, be grateful” – admits that obviously people cannot be grateful for everything.

Life happens.

Betrayal, hurt, disappointment, job loss, violence, death, disease, and family dysfunction are real. They cannot and should not be blithely ignored. They must be confronted, head on. And, time for acceptance and healing must be allowed. But, these misfortunes also must be kept in perspective. They are a part of life, not the whole of it.

So, in the face of life’s oh-so-real heartaches and stressors, how do you keep the pithy and affirming “Just Be Grateful” slogan from being trite and tiresome like “Just Say No” and turn it into something powerful and effective like “Just Do It”?

Consider this:

In his TED-Talk David Steindle-Rast suggests that the secret to being happy is not being grateful for everything that happens, but being grateful for each moment we are given.

Thinking this way, each moment becomes an opportunity to celebrate, to forgive, to understand to reconnect, to stand up, to love, to laugh, to let go, to welcome in, and to learn.

To “Just Be Grateful” we need to recognize the opportunities each moment provides us. But moments are fleeting and clouded by our feelings of loss, distrust, sickness, and hurt. How do we break through these emotional clouds and accept the moment we are given for the gift that it is?

Brother David suggests we adopt the “Stop, Look and Go with it” approach. And, it works for me, with a few modifications – today using the Thanksgiving Holiday as an example – I offer my Five Step Path to “Just Be Grateful”:

1. IDENTIFY WHAT IS TROUBLING YOU. What about Thanksgiving keeps you from being grateful? The preparation and work? The uncertainty of other’s behavior? The dread of dealing with your former spouse? Missing a loved one? The threat to your weight-loss goals? Loneliness?

2. CREATE STOP SIGNS. What physical sign or symbol can you put in place that keeps you focused on the moment of opportunity and not what is threatening you? Instead of drifting mindlessly into thinking about overeating, your Uncle’s political rantings, your co-parent’s faults, or your husband’s indifference to your hard work, create your own version of a STOP sign around your home that keeps you and yours focused on the initial purpose of a day of Thanksgiving. This will help you notice Thanksgiving Day as the special moment that it is, despite your concerns.  Here’s mine:

3. LOOK FOR THE OPPORTUNITY AND DEFINE IT YOURSELF. Does Thanksgiving Day give you the opportunity to apologize? To forgive? To reconnect? To be supportive? To show self-discipline? To abandon grudges? To embrace new family members? To show respect for your family elders? To honor those who have passed? To create new traditions? To help others feel included. To show your kids that you still care about their dad? To help less -fortunate others? To order in, stress less, and have more fun?

4. GO FOR IT! Act to take advantage of the opportunity you have been given. Claim the moment as yours. Act genuinely out of a sense of your newly defined purpose for the moment. Be grateful for this chance to learn, grow, make amends, support, show kindness, have fun, or make peace.

5. BE HAPPY.  Keep repeating steps 1-4 and you’ll get there.  It really is that simple.

President Abraham Lincoln seems to have understood the power of the “Just Be Grateful” philosophy when he created our national Thanksgiving Day holiday.

In the United States, Thanksgiving Day has two officially proclaimed purposes: To remind Americans of the need to thank God (however you envision God to be) for our “bountiful blessings” and to encourage prayer for the “full enjoyment of peace, harmony, tranquility, and unity”.

With humility, I’ve taken the liberty to paraphrase President Lincoln’s October 3, 1863 official (and rather wordy) Proclamation that established a national day of “thanksgiving and praise”. The announcement was written by then Secretary of State William Seward and signed by President Lincoln just a few weeks after significant Union victories forecasted the near end of the Civil War. Although the idea of a formal day of Thanksgiving had been around in various forms for 200 years, Lincoln was the first president to establish a national day of thanksgiving.

He did it to help unify the American family, torn apart by years of war and conflict.

Like Lincoln, you, too, could use Thanksgiving Day as the mechanism to work toward your own happiness and toward enhanced peace and harmony among your immediate and extended family members.

To claim this opportunity, follow the five step path to “Just Be Grateful”.

If your desire for family amity has been gestating for a while, I hope this Five Step Path to Gratefulness will fill you and yours with happiness one moment at a time.  Identify what’s troubling you, create stop signs, claim each moment for something good, act and go for the joy, peace, harmony, tranquility and unity you can create in those moments.

Before you know it “Just Be Grateful” will be your new philosophy of life. And, then just watch what happens to those around you – this affirming way of life is contagious.

Share this post with people you care about that need to learn how gratefulness creates happiness and that, surprisingly enough, you can be in control of what you do with your moments of opportunity, not the other way around. Try to Work it Out  together.

And, let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop where we embrace the “Just Be Grateful” philosophy and do Family Dynamics Mediation that can make your house feel like home again.

If you liked this blog post, SIGN UP NOW for Dr. Jamie’s “Work it Out – Insider” emails packed with Hot Topics and Relatable Insights, plus helpful (and fun) relationship tips and insights.

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By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Fall is the time when trees remind us how important – and beautiful—it can be to let things go.

Trees let go of their leaves to save energy and protect themselves from damaging conditions. As the days grow shorter, trees sense the natural loss of light. In fact, trees can detect changes in daylight of as little as a half an hour. When trees sense the threat of colder temperatures and less sunshine, they undergo chemical changes that causes their leaves to shift from a green pigment to the colorful yellow, orange, and red we associate with autumn’s unique beauty.  Then, the leaves fall.

Lovely as this all is, it happens because, as the days grow shorter, trees block the veins that move water to the leaves. Once a leaf is completely choked off, it is detached from the tree. The trees know that letting go of the leaves is necessary if they are to cope well during winter and thrive in the spring.

So, how do you make like a tree and let go of what is draining your energy and threatening your ability to thrive?

Follow these 5 steps. 

1.     FACE REALITY. Identify the aspect of your current or past circumstances that drains your energy, keeps you agitated, and threatens your overall happiness. Many people have more than one bad experience, loss, injustice, betrayal, disappointment, personal regret, or broken relationship that troubles them. To get started on letting go, focus first on the concern that is most central to your identity, whether that be your marriage, your job, your kids, your X, some unjust treatment, or an unfortunate past event.

2.      ASSESS YOUR REASONS FOR HOLDING ON.   What do you keep telling yourself that justifies holding on to something or someone that brings you no joy, drags you down, or is toxic for you? What causes you to fixate on and try to reinvent the past? What rationale do you use to deny reality, sustain your delusions and prolong your ability to let the heavy burden go? Read these common examples. Then be honest with yourself and write down your own story.

a.   My inattentive husband will show more affection to me if I just lose these 20 pounds I gained since we got married.

b.   I got screwed. They moved me down here and then fired me due to downsizing. I thought my boss was my friend. But, all he cares about is the bottom line. Sure, they gave me a severance. But I have a house I can’t afford and a wife and four kids to support. So, I’m unemployed for no fault of my own. How dare they do this to me.

c.  My wife is an ungrateful, angry person (to put it nicely). So, when she starts complaining, I just start drinking so I can tune her out and give her something to really be mad about.

d. My unmarried, college-educated daughter ruined her life having a baby with a guy who is not remotely good enough for her. She supports herself but still expects me to treat her the same and to be a real grandpa to that child of hers. It all makes me sick, angry and sad. I can’t believe she embarrassed me and threw her life away. I just can’t pretend it’s all ok. It never will be.

e. He cheated on me. He and his tramp destroyed my family and shouldn’t be allowed to get away with it. I’m going to get a cut-throat lawyer and make him pay for all he has done to me and the kids. I keep telling everybody what he did to me, so he’ll be treated like a pariah and our kids won’t want to be around him.

3.    REFRAME YOUR REALITY.   Rephrase the way you think about your situation and acknowledge your personal power and responsibility for your own happiness and peace of mind. In other words, face the facts. Delusional thinking and denial involve a misplaced sense of personal power. On the one hand, when people distort the reality of their relationships or life circumstances, they are accepting the belief that they have the power to change the past and/or to change others – which, of course, they do not. Nobody does. On the other hand, when people manufacture these types of distortions, they also are embracing the belief that they have no power to change themselves or their reactions to the people or past events in their lives – which of course, they do. Everybody does.

Face the facts. Then try reframing your response to that reality, so that you are the hero of your story, not the victim. Write your new story down using something like this:

a.   My husband is indifferent to me and has been for some time. Rather than accept the blame for his lack of interest in our marriage, I am going to tell him that he has two choices: Either enter marriage mediation with me or I will leave him so that I will be free to enter a new relationship with someone who truly loves me, just the way I am.

b.   Losing my job sucked on so many levels. And, it almost broke me both financially and emotionally. But, I know it was a business decision and not personal. I’ll use my severance to start a new career where I won’t have to travel so much. In a way, they did me and my family a favor. We sure learned what is most important in life: each other.  Now it’s my job to make sure we stay optimistic and get through this together.

c.   My wife is an unhappy, disgruntled person who is impossible to please. And, no matter what I do, she will remain unhappy until she decides to change herself. All of this drinking is very unhealthy for me. Rather than become a miserable alcoholic and blame her for it, I am going to leave her, file for divorce, and when the time is right, find a kind, optimistic person to share my life with.

d.   My daughter made choices that I believe are mistakes. No matter how much I wish things were different, I can’t change the fact that I now have a grandson and neither can she. I’m proud of her for accepting responsibility for her son. She is a loving and hardworking single mom. If she can do it, so can I. I will show her that my love for her is unconditional and that I can be a role model for my grandson.

e.   My husband was unfaithful to me, which is not ok. But, I know his stepping-out was just a symptom of the problems in our marriage. We were both unhappy. I will stop whining because, in a very real way, he did me a favor. Now I am free to find someone who will really love me. And, the kids will eventually be happier because they won’t hear us fighting all the time. I will encourage them to have a close relationship with their dad. We can have a friendly divorce that will make co-parenting easier and allow us all to be less stressed out all the time. I can do that for my kids….and for me.

4.    FORGIVE THOSE WHO HURT YOU, INCLUDING YOURSELF.   Reframing your story is an important step on the climb up to the high ground of forgiveness. Forgiveness challenges most people because they feel that if they let go of their anger they are either giving up or giving in. But, forgiveness is neither of these. Forgiveness releases you from the hold others have on you so you can truly let go of your hurt, anger, disappointment, embarrassment, or shame and focus on living out your new, much happier story line.

Forgiving others makes it possible to stop constantly re-igniting your anger about being deeply hurt, unjustly treated, used, or abused. Forgiving yourself, while also making amends to those you wronged, liberates you from the self-imposed shackles of shame, embarrassment, guilt, and remorse.

Forgiveness frees us all from the futility of trying to change things we cannot change. Forgiveness – for yourself or others – brings out your vibrant colors, cuts off the water supply to your pain, and allows the spent leaves of the past to fall gracefully to the ground. Forgiveness is NOT giving in, it is letting go. Forgiveness restores your positive energy, improves your ability to cope, and makes it possible to prepare for and thrive in your new life.

5.    FOCUS ON IMPROVING THE PRESENT.  Accept  personal responsibility for letting go of the coping strategies that drain your energy and keep you from thriving. Take advantage of the lessons learned and wake up every day determined to boldly face the facts and replace your denial and delusional thinking with acceptance and an authentic assessment your reality. Decide once and for all to change the way you respond to your circumstances. Write down and consistently repeat your revised story that makes you the hero, even if only because you are creating a second chance for yourself. Dream about and set goals for a stable, happy future. Commit to and plan for making progress on those goals each day.  Make a list.  Cross at least one thing off each day.

You CAN let go.

And, when your leaves of anger, resentment, disappointment, and heartache fall away, you will be much stronger and ready to prepare for your own delightful spring.

Henry David Thoreau described it this way in his journal entry for October 29, 1958:

“Nature now, like an athlete, begins to strip herself in earnest for her contest with her great antagonist Winter. In the bare trees and twigs what a display of muscle.”

Letting go shows your strength.

And, letting go makes you stronger.

If you are  finding it hard to let go of an unsatisfying relationship or something from the past that drains the joy from the present,  print this post, do some serious introspection, follow the five steps, and change your life for the better.

If it’s a current relationship that troubles you,  share this post with your partner, face reality, and decide together how to either let go of the past, or let go of each other.

And, let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop on Florida’s Emerald Coast where we do Marriage Mediation, Family Dynamics Mediation, and Divorce Mediation. We’ll help you let go of the past, focus on the future, re-calibrate the colors of your life, and remain on friendly terms, whether you stay together or not.

Sign Up Now  to receive Dr.  Jamie’s “Make it Work” emails packed with practical, and helpful relationship improvement tips.

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Special thanks to Roger Di Silvestro of the National Wildlife Federation Blog for helping me learn why leaves fall from trees in autumn and to my friend Kathryn Fraser at Fraser Studios for her professional consultation on the media for this post. 

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

So, you’ve been thinking that if you made it through the seven-year-itch, a mid-life crisis (or two), and your kids’ teenage years, you’d be golden, right?

Probably…. but maybe not.

Although the divorce rate is declining for couples under 40, the divorce rate is on the rise for older adults. These days, one of every four divorces in the U.S. is a “gray divorce” – a divorce involving people over 50+ ending a long-term marriage.

According to the Pew Research Center, for adults 50 and older the divorce rate has roughly doubled since 1990 and for those 65 and older the divorce rate has nearly tripled. As a divorce and family mediator at Amity Mediation Workshop, I’ve gotten to know many “gray divorce” couples. They often seek a pre-suit, pro se divorce without lawyers because they want minimal drama, minimal expense, and minimal heartache for themselves and their partner, who they still care for deeply.

When the nest becomes empty, older couples with children often find they have very little in common. They focused on their children’s lives to the detriment of their marriage relationship and wake up one day realizing that they relate well together as Mom and Dad, but are not in tune with each other as Husband and Wife. For older couples without children, the similar realization that they are basically living like “roommates with benefits” is often delayed until they both retire.

Clearly, some long-term married couples seem immune to the dynamics of married life and steadfastly retain a healthy relationship throughout all the changes and challenges that naturally come to a long-term couple. Others experience the ups and downs and even consider divorce, but find a way to re-ignite the feelings that brought them together as a couple and they, too, stay together.

Still others look across the breakfast table at their spouse (who seems like a relative stranger) and think “how did this happen to us?”.

They aren’t angry. They are sad. They simply don’t want to live the next 20-30 years in an unsatisfying marriage that does not meet their emotional needs. With great reluctance, they conclude that divorce – and the fresh chance it offers – seems like the better option.

Stay Golden with These 4 Habits 

Protect your marriage against this “gray divorce” phenomenon by adopting these four habits that will to keep your marriage golden, even when you’re gray.

(1) Treat your marriage as the foundation of your family. If you allow your marriage relationship to erode in the early years, you, your spouse, and your children will feel insecure, unsettled, and tense. Without deliberate care and attention, a once intimate, loving marriage could become conflictual and distant. Even if this type of distressed marriage survives until children are launched or careers have ended, the kids will likely be troubled and the couple will likely opt for divorce as a relief from their unfulfilling relationship.

When it comes to family priorities, put marriage stability first, whether you are a family with children or without.

(2) Create a long-term goal and work toward it together. Young adult couples are less likely to divorce if they are well educated. So, it makes sense for you both to earn a degree or a trade specialization. Older adult couples, however, are less likely to divorce if they are financially secure. This means that unhappy older couples who can least afford to establish two households in their later years, are the ones most likely to separate.

This trend seems counter-intuitive at first. But, it makes sense when considering that financial security typically results from shared commitment to a long-rang plan. Unless one or both members of a couple come from wealth or receive a substantial inheritance, to achieve financial security they must define their financial goals and form a joint commitment toward them, whether the goal be home ownership, college funds, debt reduction, a beach house, a 5th wheel, or a dream retirement. Enthusiastically working toward shared goals like these requires constructive discussions about conflicting priorities. But, at the same time, establishing shared goals creates shared interests, a joint commitment, mutual respect for each other’s effort and contribution, and reasons to celebrate your success – all components of a satisfying marriage…all something worth striving for and holding on to.

(3) Be your best physical self. Contrary to popular belief, gray divorce is rarely connected to male sex enhancement drugs that allow men to satisfy younger women. But, this doesn’t mean that physical appearance isn’t important to physical intimacy for older husbands and wives. According to research conducted by Karl Pillemer, author of “30 Lessons for Loving: Advice from the Wisest Americans on Love, Relationships and Marriage”, taking care of your physical appearance is important to keeping sexual intimacy alive in your marriage.

Fortunately, satisfied older married couples don’t expect their partners to conform to an unrealistic, unnatural standard. Instead, they expect each other to show affection and make the most of what they’ve got. So, create and work toward a shared goal to stay fit and healthy, clean up each day even when you’re just hanging out at home, hold hands, kiss regularly, and every once in a while, share passion and physical pleasure any way you still can, whether that’s dancing on the kitchen floor, rolling like thunder under the covers…or anything in-between.

(4)  Be your partner’s best friend. A romantic spark ignites initial attraction and typically continues to burn through courtship and only the first few years of marriage. Couples who have shared interests and a true friendship are the ones most likely to stay married and thrive when that romantic flame becomes embers and then, eventually only fades.

The single most distinguishing characteristic between happy couples and distressed couples is that happy couples are more likely to be best friends and actually treat each other as best friends would.

These married friends truly enjoy each other’s company and embrace their partner’s interests. They routinely create opportunities to be together doing activities they both enjoy and alternate between each other’s favorite activities. So, if your husband loves to watch college football, get excited about the game. If your wife loves musicals, buy her a season pass to the local Broadway series. Take exercise walks. Ride bikes. Plan trips and travel together.

Do everything together? Of course not. But, develop some shared interests that you both enjoy, even if you must fake it at first.

To sustain a life-long marriage, show an interest in what interests your spouse and treat each other with mutual respect. When you are upset by something your spouse has done, focus on the friendship and not the incident. Talk to your spouse as you would your best friend. That is the single most important habit of couples who remain golden, even when they are gray.

So, the first moment you begin to feel alone in your own home…. or the next time you worry whether your marriage will last your lifetime, remember these four habits of couples who stay golden, even when they are gray. Ask yourself if you have adopted these habits. Then, share this post with your partner and focus on the changes you both need to make in order to stay golden and “Work it Out”.

Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation and Relationship Workshop, where we now offer psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses for couples who want to stay together and restore the warmth and friendship in their marriage.

We also conduct Divorce Mediation for couples who have decided that divorce is their best (and maybe only) option, but want an amicable process that allows them to remain friendly and avoid expensive litigation.

By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

My friend Mike confided to me yesterday that he and his wife of over 20 years are getting a divorce.   Although the split was her idea, he was quick to choose to forgive her and focus on building a stable future for himself, his wife, and their children. 

He told me he thought it all through carefully. He said he understood that even though he was content in their marriage, no amount of effort or counseling could put the joy back in their marriage for her.  Something was missing for her that he knew he could not provide.  And, he quoted Desmond Tutu saying “Without forgiveness, there’s is no future.”

This is a very mature, evolved perspective.  And, I wanted to check if it was real.  So, I asked “what about you and your feelings”?  You’re giving up a life that made you happy…a life that once made her happy…so that she can build a different kind of happiness without you.  Aren’t you hurt? Angry? Sad?

And, Mike explained:

Even after all this time to get used to the idea, I am quite sad over the family life I am losing and I want to make sure my kids hurt as little as possible.  And, I’ll admit I felt angry at first.  I wanted to hurt her.  I wanted her to beg me to forgive her.  But, I quickly realized I was more in shock, than angry.   

So, I stopped reacting and started to truly listen to her explanation, which she patiently provided a few times. Then I made myself think about our marriage from her perspective. About my own role in the deterioration of our romantic side.  I thought about the opportunities for happiness she could have in a different life.  And, I got it. I truly did.  After that, it was easy for me to tell her that I forgive her and to focus on solutions that worked for both of us, and our kids.

Why did forgiveness come so easy for Mike?

I know Mike pretty well.  He has strong spiritual beliefs that require him to turn the other cheek.  He also ranks high in his ability to take another person’s perspective. He can feel and express empathy.  And, he still cares about his soon-to-be X-wife, so he doesn’t want to try to make her feel worse than she already does.  In fact, he wants to help her save-face, so she feels less guilty and can regain happiness more quickly.

Mike also knows the value forgiveness plays in preserving a relationship.  He knows he and his wife will not be able to be good co-parents, if they do not forgive one another.

In the end, forgiveness is a choice.

 A choice not to fight.

A choice not to hold a grudge.

A choice to surrender your pride to obtain peace.  In the end, waving the white flag of surrender, is a sign of maturity and strength, not submission and weakness.

What makes forgiveness difficult for some people?

People who generally find it hard to forgive others include (1) people with a fairly low self-esteem who build themselves up by viewing the other’s mistakes as much worse than their own and (2) people who are cognitively immature and have an underdeveloped sense of empathy.

But, even the most empathic and developmentally mature among us have to remind ourselves about the importance of forgiveness when the transgression is quite severe, has occurred too often, or is likely on-going – especially when the transgressor has not sincerely apologized.

(If you are seeking forgiveness, you may want to read “Effective Apologies Turn Conflict Aftermath into Healing Afterglow” to learn the five key attributes of an effective apology.)

There also is a common tendency, called the Fundamental Attribution Error,  that makes people view other’s mistakes as due to internal causes like their personality or character traits.  In Mike’s case, he could have said his wife’s falling out of love with him was caused by her “her lack of ability to keep her promises”, “her selfishness”, or “her overly romantic idea of what long-term married life is like”.

These are harsh judgments that would have made it difficult, if not impossible, for Mike to forgive his wife and preserve a friendly relationship with her.

The flip side of the Fundamental Attribution Error makes it even more difficult.

Instead of assuming that our own mistakes are caused by our character or personality traits, we explain away our mistakes by attributing them to external causes like situational factors or life circumstances.  In Mike’s case, he would say “I was only inattentive because I had to work such long hours”, “It just the aging process” or “The guys count on me”.

These explanations allow Mike to let himself off the hook, rather than take responsibility for his part in the deterioration of his marriage.  Both sides of the Fundamental Attribution Error combined allow Mike to blame his wife and absolve himself.   To judge her harshly, rather view her through empathetic eyes.  To self-righteously hold a grudge, rather than forgive.

Fortunately, Mike quickly reframed his attributions and listened carefully to his wife’s concerns. He surrendered his pride and obtained an empathic perspective.  As a result, he and his wife have maintained a peaceful relationship as they try to reach agreement on important issues and build a stable future for themselves and their children, rather than keep rehashing the past.

Please give the Fundamental Attribution Error some thought.  Is this common tendency prohibiting you and your partner from forgiving each other, preserving a friendly relationship, and having a happy future?

If so, share this post with your partner (or anyone else you’re struggling with) and suggest that you both give forgiveness a try.

Surrender your pride. Choose not to fight.  Not to hold a grudge.

Choose forgiveness. 

Then, start to Work it Out.  Even if you are headed for divorce, you can make it a friendly one.   But, if you want to stay together, choosing forgiveness is necessary.  Without forgiveness, there is little hope for a happy future together.

Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we facilitate divorce, family and civil mediations.  We also use the Gottman Relationship Checkup as we conduct transformative, psycho-educational Marriage Refresher Courses for our clients who want to stay together and  restore the joy in their marriage.

If you liked this blog post, SIGN UP NOW for my “Work it Out – Relationship Tips” emails packed with practical, helpful, and fun relationship guidance that you can really use to help your relationship work.

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by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

There are four signs that signal a progressive, downward relationship spiral leading to divorce.   But, you can learn to recognize these cautionary signals and take a detour that will put you back on the path to a long, satisfying marriage.

Which couple are you?

This week I met two young couples.  Both couples have been married for about four years.  Both couples are loving parents of a toddler.   Both parents in both couples are gainfully employed in professional jobs that provide health insurance and retirement benefits.  Both couples seem to “have it all”.

But yet, they are distressed.

Amy and Brian are heartbroken because no matter how hard they both try, they can’t seem to stop having the same fights over and over again.  In contrast, Lisa and Mike feel angry because they each see their marital problems as the other’s fault and they have given up trying to talk about it because talking just leads to another fight.

From the outside looking in, these couples seem similar. Both couples experience a lot of conflict and feel distressed.  But for Amy and Brian there is still a high likelihood that they can bring the joy back to their marriage if they quickly take steps to turn their relationship around.  For Lisa and Mike, the chances are slim because they’ve gone too far down the wrong road.

Four Signs You Could Be Headed for Divorce

1. You view your relationship problems as severe.  You started out as flovers (lovers who are also best friends).  But, now you notice that conflict is more frequent and has taken on a negative tone, especially for major issues that keep recurring.  This negativity then begins to bleed over into other aspects of your life, as well.  But, still you are turning toward each other to work things out.
2. Talking things over seems useless. You begin to blame the other for your relationship problems and your relationship talk is characterized by complaints, sarcasm, reciprocated negative feelings, and problem escalation or flooding the conversation with multiple criticisms.  You start to turn away from each other and try to solve the problems individually, rather than as a couple.
3. Spouses start leading parallel, but separate lives. To reduce conflict and tension, and to get some perspective on the relationship, spouses avoid talking about their relationship or issues other than those topics that surround their daily routines.  When other issues do come up, the intense conflict, criticism, and even contempt return.  So, you and your spouse begin to keep your distance and to live more like polite roommates than the intimate flovers you once were.
4. You feel alone in your own home. When communication is restricted to routine matters peppered with the inevitable eruptions of intense conflict, there is little intimacy exchanged between spouses.   You may go through the motions of your daily routine and family life, and may even continue to have sex.  But, your marital intimacy has been replaced, at best, by cordial indifference or, at worst, controlled hostility that lies barely under the surface and frequently erupts.

Where is the Point of No Return?

Couples like Amy and Brian can more easily reverse the downward trajectory because they noticed the first warning signs of relationship distress.  Either on their own, or with the help of a psycho-education course like “Let’s Stay Together”, they have a good chance of restoring the intimacy and happiness in their marriage.

Couples like Lisa and Mike, who continued to ignore the warning signs, have likely reached a “point of no return” or will have a rougher road back to each other than they would have if they had noticed the early warning signs that they were possibly headed to divorce.

If you’ve been seeing the early signs that you are on the road to divorce, try starting a conversation about how to become flovers again.

If you think you might have reached the “point of no return” in your marriage, try starting a civil conversation about your choices:  Are you both willing to try the rough road back to each other or, if not, can you dissolve your marriage amicably before you hurt each other and your children even more.  Granted…that’s a hard conversation to have.  But, I’ve seen couples who thought divorce was inevitable find their way back to each other.  And, ironically, I’ve also seen many miserable couples build a better life for themselves and their children through divorce.

Whether you are seeing the early warning signs or afraid you are reaching the point of no return, share this post with your spouse, start a conversation to discover the right road for you,  and work it out.

Let me know if I can help.

You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we (a) deliver our own “Let’s Stay Together – Marriage Refresher Course” – a private psycho-educational course delivered in a workshop-for-two format that serves couples who want to stay married, but also improve their relationship and (b) Divorce Mediation for couples that have decided to divorce but want to remain friendly and reach an agreement that serves the needs of all involved, especially the children.   If you aren’t sure, we can help you figure that out, too.

I’m a Gottman Leader authorized to deliver the Seven Principles of Making Marriage Work Couples Program and to use the Gottman Relationship Checkup when working with couples trying to decide if they have reached a “point of no return”.    I’ll help you work it out. 

If you liked this blog post, SIGN UP NOW for Dr. Jamie’s “Work it Out – Relationship Tips” emails packed with practical, helpful, and fun relationship guidance that you can use to make your relationships work. 

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by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

You might be surprised to learn that stubbornness in marriage is a good thing.

Some spouses try to create a happy marriage through grand romantic gestures like sending flowers, planning romantic dinners, champagne at sunset, or wearing sexy lingerie. Special plans like these do go a long way toward creating a terrific date night or memorable summer vacation, but they are woefully inadequate for sustaining a happy marriage.

Other, more enlightened spouses realize that love is an action word that is best demonstrated by frequent small gestures.

These spouses understand that a happy, love-filed marriage involves daily actions that sustain intimacy, commitment, and passion. Robert Sternberg used these concepts to articulate his powerfully descriptive Triangle Theory of Love.

I use this theory to help couples understand that to sustain a happy, loving marriage over a lifetime they must continually and intentionally:

(1)  Remain open and responsive to one another and act like (not just say) they are best friends with their spouse;

(2) Touch and show physical affection and passion toward each other, recognizing that the frequency and type of sex evolves with the length of the relationship and throughout the aging process; and

(3) Demonstrate their commitment to each other and their relationship by consistently behaving positively to each other and being dependable, especially when it counts.

Happy, well-adjusted couples understand that they need all three sides of the Love Triangle to sustain a happy marriage.

In fact, they make it look easy.

Clearly, this kind of approach to marriage does make day-to-day life easier and more pleasant, in part, because relationship intimacy, commitment, and passion fuse together to create a Teflon-type protection against routine ups and downs.

But, when real challenges enter a marriage, spouses must show commitment “on steroids”!  To sustain a marriage through life’s big challenges, couples must be stubbornly persistent.  And it also helps to take a marriage refresher course, to prove it.

Some big challenges are invited, like raising children and building a career. Others are unwanted, like illness, job loss, alcoholism, or a big mistake.

But what it takes to sustain a happy marriage through both invited and unwanted marital challenges is good, old-fashioned stubbornness.   That is, couples must want to stay together and be unwilling to accept any other outcome.

Judy C. Pearson author of Lasting Love: What Keeps Couples Together, included in her book an explanation of the value of stubbornness provided to her by Larry Constantine, who at the time was the editor of Lifestyle and a professor of family studies.

Mr. Constantine explained that in this context,

“Stubbornness is a quality which keeps people hanging in there when problems seem to defy solution, when logic or fear or pain might otherwise lead them to quit”.

Relationship professionals like me often talk and write about the value of commitment in a lasting relationship. But I think Constantine was on to something when he said that the important, but complex concept of commitment “pales beside the adrenaline of real stubbornness when it comes to sustaining a vital relationship”.

So, this year on your summer vacation go ahead and display a grand romantic gesture, as it will create a happy memory and earn you some relationship points.  Go ahead and profess that your spouse is your best friend, your lover, and your soul mate all wrapped up in one.  But, if you really want your spouse to feel the love, repeat the promises you made on your wedding day and turn them into daily actions that enhance intimacy, fuel passion, and, especially, demonstrate commitment.

Or you could channel Colbie Caillat and sing “I’m never gonna walk away…. always gonna have your back”.   (Or maybe you might just want to have this cued up on your phone.)

Whatever way you declare your love this summer, why not share this post with your spouse and talk about the importance of being stubbornly committed to your marriage?   Then, when times get tough (and they will), you can remind each other of your promise to be stubborn.  If you are already in tough times, maybe these ideas will help you “work it out”.

Let me know if I can help.

I am a FL Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and Couples Counselor who is part of the Gottman Referral Network.  You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop where we offer “friendly divorce” mediation and a private, psycho-educational  “Let’s Stay Together” Marriage Refresher Course to help couples deepen their intimate connection, work out any current issues, and master the essential habits of couples who stay happily married for a lifetime.

This built-for-two workshop makes a great present because it shows you are stubbornly committed to your marriage.

Click here to check it out:

by Jamie C. Williamson, PhD

Many people started out the New Year thinking about getting a divorce, even if they didn’t realize it at first.

People rarely include “get a divorce” on their list of resolutions. Instead, divorce becomes the unhappy (but necessary) by-product of resolutions like “This is the year I’m going to have the courage to change the things I can”…..  Or  “This is the year I’m going to start taking care of my own needs and quit trying to get my spouse to change”….Or “This is the year I’m going to stop playing these games and start a new  life — before it’s too late. ”  …or some other version of:  “This is the year I’m going to find a way to be happy”.

These are familiar resolutions, with the thought of divorce often hidden by the worthy intentions to make a better life. So, it follows that divorce filings peak during the post-holiday season, particularly in January and March.  The January spike derives from couples who do their best to get through the holidays for the children’s sake, and then act on their joint decision to divorce after the holidays.  The March uptick can be traced to individuals who decide they want a divorce before or during the holiday period but choose not to tell their spouse until after the holidays.

Sometimes, of course, people hang on to their last bit of optimism and believe that the holiday magic will rekindle their marriage flame. But, that rarely happens.  Instead, fake holiday warmth and cheer provides a stark contrast to true holiday joy.

And, by mid-January many distressed people decide to either stick with their resolve to take action or to resign themselves (and their spouse and children) to another game of charades or worse yet, family feud.

If you have resolved that “this is the year you create a better life for yourself and your family” you may have also reached the painful conclusion that getting a divorce is the best (and maybe only) option that will promote your future emotional and psychological well-being, and that of your spouse and children.

If so, your next step is to determine which of the four paths to a legal divorce is right for you and your circumstances: You can choose the Do it Yourself Divorce, the Pre-Suit Pro Se Divorce (with a mediator, but not attorneys), the Pre-Suit Divorce (with attorneys and a mediator), or the Attorney Driven Divorce.

To decide which path will serve you best, answer the following questions:

(1A) If you have children, what type of divorced parenting partnership is in the best interest of your children.  For most people, the answer to this question is either “Facilitating Friends” or “Accommodating Allies”, both of which involved high levels of good will and cooperative communication.  Read more about type of Divorced Parenting Partnerships here.

(1B) If you don’t have children, would you and your spouse like to remain on friendly terms?

If you want a friendly divorce, you could select from among the Do It Yourself, Pre-Suit Pro Se (without attorneys), or the Pre-Suit, with Attorneys.

(2) How complicated are your financial circumstances?

Do you have customary assets like a home, car, bank accounts, and retirement accounts, as well as typical liabilities like a mortgage, car payment, and credit card bills? Or are your finances more complicated, involving a family business, a trust, or a complex investment portfolio?

If you have simple finances and no children, the Do It Yourself may work for you. If you have children and simple/moderately complex assets and liabilities to equitably distribute, then you could choose between Pre-Suit Pro se (without attorneys), or Pre-Suit, with Attorneys. If you have a highly complex mix of assets and liabilities, you may best be served by an Attorney Driven divorce.

(3) What amount of family resources are you able or willing to invest in the divorce process?

The Do It Yourself divorce is the least expensive, but comes with the need to complete complicated forms and work through emotional issues on your own.   If your finances are simple AND you and your spouse are detail oriented, well organized, have a high level of good will for one another and excellent communication and conflict resolution skills, then the DYI option may work for you.

The Pre-Suit Pro Se path (a friendly divorce without lawyers) is also relatively inexpensive.  For example, Pre-Suit, Pro Se fees at Amity Mediation Workshop on Florida’s Emerald Coast range from $1,400 to $3,000, depending on the complexity of your assets and whether or not you have children. The fees may be even less if you qualify for the Court Sponsored mediation program.

For this moderate cost, in the Pre-Suit  Pro Se option your mediator facilitates the emotional discussions and empowers you to reach mutual agreement on all of your current issues. The mediator also prepares your Marital Settlement Agreement , Parenting Plan, and Child Support Guidelines Worksheet.   Many mediators, like those at Amity Mediation Workshop, also include assistance with document preparation and Family Law Forms.  This type of one-stop shop helps simplify and de-stress the divorce process.

The Pre-Suit with Attorneys path is more expensive than a divorce without lawyers, but also typically less expensive and less adversarial than an attorney driven divorce.  Along this path to divorce, attorneys guide their clients’ decision making, but work in a collaborative manner with each other. The mediator works directly with the parties to help them resolve issues and create their Marital Settlement Agreement.

The Attorney-Driven path to divorce is the most expensive and will vary by lawyer and region. According to Lawyers.Com , the average attorney fees for a divorce in Florida are $10,700 and the average total cost of a Florida divorce with attorneys $13,500.   The costs range depending on whether or not children and complicated assets are involved, as well as how acrimonious and protracted the process becomes.

(4) How quickly would you like to complete the divorce process so you can start building a stable future for you and your children?

The DYI divorce could be the quickest, if you have limited/no assets, no children, no problem completing the forms, and high levels of good will and cooperation with one another.

The Pre-Suite Pro Se friendly divorce without lawyers typically involves a one-hour planning session and two weekly 2-to-3 hour mediation sessions.  This means that by utilizing a mediation practice like Amity Mediation Workshop you could resolve all of your issues and be ready to file for a non-contested divorce in about one month.

The Pre-Suite with Attorneys path stretches over a longer time period than the Pre Suit, Pro Se, in large part due to the attorneys’ scheduling and the time they need for advance consultation and preparation with their client.  Still, this path is much quicker than the Attorney Driven path.

The Attorney-Driven path to divorce takes the longest.  According to Lawyers.Com, the average duration of the attorney-driven divorce process in Florida is 15 months and ranges from 7 to 30 months, depending on attorney schedules, the complexity of the case, and the amount of acrimony that creeps into the process.

So you decide.

If you are like most (but certainly not all) people, a Pre-Suit, Pro Se divorce may be your best option:

1. You want to remain friendly with your spouse, especially if you will continue being Parenting Partners.
2. You have typical assets and liabilities that can be equability distributed without complicated legal transactions.
3. You would rather reserve family resources so that you and your spouse have the money you need to start over and build a stable future for yourselves and your children.
4. You would rather move forward deliberately and begin building a happy, stable future rather than be stuck in limbo for a year or more rehashing the past.

At Amity, our guiding philosophy of civility and a friendly approach to facilitating conversations permeates our mediation work. And we embrace an optimism about what people can do with and for each other if they are simply willing to focus on finding solutions that are good for them AND for the others involved in their issues, especially children.  

We know that most couples and families truly value peaceful resolution of issues with as little hurt to those involved as possible.  We hope couples and families can stay together. But, our goal is to help people eliminate distress in their relationships and maintain at peace, whether they stay together or not.

Our approach supports and guides individuals as they work to settle their differences and define for themselves the future of their relationships. If you have decided to divorce, share the Paths to Legal Divorce graphic with your spouse. Decide which option is best for you.  Then, start to Work it Out.

And, let me know if I can help. You’ll find me at Amity Mediation Workshop where we conduct Pre-Suit, Pro Se Divorces in an amicable environment.  Our approach to Divorce Mediation helps you to resolve your issues without another fight and to build a stable future for all involved, especially the children.

P.S.   Deciding whether or not to get divorced is excruciatingly difficult. If you are struggling with that question, and need help working through the decision-making process, read my three-part series titled Should I Stay or Should I Go?    And, let me know if I can help you and your spouse work through the decision together.