By Jamie C. Williamson, PhD
As the old song goes, pride could be the chief cause of the decline in the number of husbands and wives. But the type of pride displayed makes a big difference.
The right type of pride strengthens relationships. But, the wrong type of pride leads to the wrong kind of apology, which escalates conflict resolution and inhibits forgiveness. And, without forgiveness, marriages fail.
Two Types of Pride
There are two basic types of pride produced by different motivations and associated with distinct approaches to communication in relationships.
Authentic Pride derives from accomplishments and involves high self-esteem that further motivates personal goal setting, goal engagement, and goal achievement. Authentic Pride is linked to positive features such as emotional stability, self-control, self-confidence, self-worth, agreeableness, and an emphasis on interpersonal connectivity.
People experiencing Authentic Pride are value-centered, conscientious, open, productive, and helpful to others. They are guided by a sense of purpose and appear to enjoy life.
Hubristic Pride derives from arrogance propped up by external recognition rather than accomplishment. This motivates the pursuit of goals to receive external attention and social validation. Hubristic Pride is linked to negative features such as high narcissism, conceit, defensiveness, disagreeableness, anger, aggression, impulsiveness, the need for social dominance, and relationship dissatisfaction.
Self-esteem based on external validation is quite fragile. To compensate, people experiencing Hubristic Pride often seem overconfident, express an inflated sense of self-esteem to cover for their actual low self-esteem, and set unrealistically ambitious extrinsically motivated goals. They appear stressed as they strive for recognition or financial success and a higher place in the social hierarchy.
Two Types of Pride Produce Two Kinds of Apology
Spouses filled with Authentic Pride would be comfortable making True Apologies. These other-oriented partners value relationship harmony, conscientiously strive to contribute to their own and their partner’s happiness, cooperate and compromise in problem-solving, and most often maintain self-control.
So, when Authentic Pride spouses make a mistake or fail to live up to relationship expectations, they are likely to quickly provide a True Apology.
The five key attributes of a true apology include:
- Be earnest and sincere, and not rushed.
- Acknowledge specifically what you did wrong and state that you take responsibility.
- Explain what happened, but do not offer excuses.
- Offer to make amends or promise to change.
- Ask for forgiveness.
True Apologies are disarming. When given freely and sincerely, True Apologies most often result in forgiveness and increased relationship satisfaction.
In contrast, spouses fueled by Hubristic Pride rarely apologize and if they do, they are likely to provide a pseudo-apology. These ego-driven spouses value their power in the relationship, strive for dominance, seek constant validation, want to win during conflict, and often become aggressive or hostile as they lose control of their emotions.
When Hubristic Pride spouses make mistakes, they are unlikely to admit it or apologize. Instead, they become defensive and angry and place blame on someone or something other than themselves. If they apologize at all, they utilize a “pseudo-apology” that goes something like this:
“I’m sorry you are so upset” or “I’m sorry I can’t live up to your impossible standards”.
These statements are NOT true apologies. They are critical statements that imply that the other partner is overly sensitive not that the Hubristic Pride partner made a mistake. Pseudo-apologies lead to more conflict, and, if used repeatedly, can severely deteriorate relationship satisfaction.
The Rules and the Exceptions
So far, we made the following general connections:
Authentic Pride + True Apologies = Forgiveness and Relationship Strengthening
Hubristic Pride + Pseudo Apologies = Continued Conflict and Relationship Deterioration
Exception #1 – How does a Hubristically Proud spouse respond to a True Apology?
The Hubristic spouse likely ignores or refuses to accept the True Apology and berates the apologetic spouse. There is no forgiveness, relational healing, or reconciliation. Instead, there is humiliation and relationship deterioration. If this pattern continues, the Authentically Proud person will see the relationship as “failed”, leave this relationship, and establish new goals.
Exception #2 – How does an Authentically Proud spouse respond to their Authentically Proud partner’s out-of-character, major transgression?
A major violation of relationship expectations can catapult an Authentically Proud spouse into an uncharacteristic state of Hubristic Pride. And, despite repeated True Apologies from the transgressor, the newly (and likely temporarily) Hubristic spouse will initially behave like the characteristically Hubristic spouse. As time passes and the shock wears off, this wounded spouse will struggle to regain self-confidence and to rationally assess if the transgression is forgivable or if they passed a point of no return.
If forgivable, they stay together and work it out.
If not, the two Authentic Spouses sadly decide together to end their failed relationship. For without forgiveness, they know they have no future.
If you see your marriage in any of this, let me know if I can help.
Jamie C. Williamson, PhD is a Florida Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and member of the Gottman Referral Network of relationship professionals. You’ll find her at Amity Mediation Workshop, where we specialize in “friendly divorce” mediation and use the Gottman Method in our psycho-educational “Let’s Stay Together” counseling programs and workshops, designed for couples who want to restore or enhance their marital happiness. Dr. Jamie also speaks frequently on relationship topics and authors the relationship blog “Work it Out”.
