By Jamie C. Williamson
Feeling angry is not shameful and expressing anger is not bad. If done appropriately, expressing anger promotes individual wellbeing and strengthens relationships.
Expressing anger appropriately prevents emotional buildup, while suppressing anger can lead to emotional “flooding” and sudden explosive outbursts.
Expressing anger appropriately stops minor issues from turning into major conflicts and allows couples to clear the air, have necessary conversations, and resolve issues. These constructive conversations lead to greater understanding, increased intimacy, and stronger connection.
To follow that path we must understand what anger is, how it is triggered, and how to express anger constructively.
What is Anger?
Anger joins Contempt, Disgust, Enjoyment, Fear, Sadness and Surprise as one of the seven universal emotions identified by Paul Ekman and his colleagues in the Ekman Group. Like all emotions, Anger arises naturally in response to our interpretations of events and produces distinct physiological signals.
Specifically, anger produces an increased heart rate and blood pressure, and the secretion of adrenaline and other hormonal changes. These physiological changes create a surge of energy and the desire to approach your partner to communicate your dissatisfaction.
Depending on the intensity, anger can override rational thought. Anger can be a dangerous emotion because of the potential connection to verbal and physical abuse. So, it is important to recognize your body’s response to anger and what triggers it.
What Triggers Anger?
In close relationships, Anger triggers include perceptions of unfairness, unmet expectations, goal interference, broken promises, lying, and betrayal, abandonment, or rejection.
Angry feelings can also be triggered by a partner’s expressed anger. The Norm of Reciprocity explains that people are likely to get what they give. Kindness begets kindness. And forceful expressions of anger attract similar negative responses.
Anger also sometimes emerges as a symptom of other unexpressed emotions a person might be feeling. That is, people sometimes use anger to cover up deeply personal feelings like embarrassment, disappointment, or shame.
What Determines the Intensity of the Anger?
Anger ranges in intensity from Annoyance (least intense) to Frustration, Exasperation, Argumentativeness, Bitterness, Vengefulness, and Fury or Rage (most intense). For most people, the strength and duration of their angry feelings is impacted by the nature of the trigger and their partner’s intent.
The more threatening the violation of expectations or the more frequent the trigger, the more intense the emotional response. And, if the hurt is perceived as purposeful rather than accidental, the feeling of anger intensifies.
For example, if Steve forgets to take out the trash because he was watching his favorite team play, Susan may be only slightly annoyed. But, if Steve forgets to take out the trash every week, despite repeated reminders, then Susan may feel bitterness triggered by the cumulative effect of him not doing his fair share around the house.
However, if Steve lost the couple’s retirement savings by secretly making risky investments, Susan would likely be furious because his intentional actions threatened their financial security and violated their marital value of telling each other the truth. This is a case of a serious violation of trust, that would like extend the duration of anger.
How to Express Anger Appropriately and Constructively
Expressing anger should not become an angry expression. To avoid overreacting, do not communicate anger in the heat of the moment, especially in a text. Instead, calmly follow these three steps:
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- Reduce Your Anger: Pay attention to your anger arousal signals. Engage in self-soothing to calm down. Count to 10. Take a Walk. Take a time out. Give yourself the cooling off period you need to be able to think clearly.
- Analyze your Anger: What was the trigger? Is the intensity of your reaction fair? Was your partner’s mistake intentional? How often do things like this happen? Label the feeling. Is it anger? Or is your anger covering up another feeling? You must understand your anger BEFORE you can effectively explain it to your partner, without overreacting.
- Plan your expression of Anger:
- Pick a time when your partner will be undistracted and ready to have a meaningful conversation.
- Select a private, comfortable setting for your face-to-face conversation. Politely invite your partner to join you.
- Focus on creating mutual understanding and improving your relationship.
- Avoid criticism, blaming, defensiveness, and contempt.
- Choose your words carefully. Phase your complaint using “I” statements to construct a “soft start up” to the conversation.
For example, if you partner repeatedly forgets to take out the trash, don’t attack his character by saying “You forgot the trash again. You are so lazy and inconsiderate.”
Instead: Focus on the issue by saying: “I know you are tired when you get home. But, when you forget trash day, I feel frustrated and taken for granted because you’re not doing your fair share of the household chores. What system can we use so you remember trash day without me nagging you?”
Let me know if I can help.
Jamie C. Williamson, PhD is a FL Supreme Court Certified Family Mediator and Member of the Gottman Referral Network, with a Certificate in the Science of Wellbeing and Happiness from the Harvard School of Medicine. She is an owner and partner at Amity Mediation Workshop, a mediation practice specializing in “friendly divorce” mediation and psycho-educational couples counseling. Dr. Jamie speaks frequently on relationship topics and authors the blog “Work it Out”. You can find her on our website at amitymediationworkshop.com.
